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When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question – one I think we have all wondered about at times – so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.

Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and doing my best to communicate with friends and family (including all my grown kids) of the seriousness of the situation. One morning my wife, Zerrin, was telling our girls how frustrated she was about the news media and how they were blowing it up all out of proportion. She kept going on and on (in my mind) and my girls were agreeing. All the while, I was feeling increasingly angry because I felt like what she was saying might result in our girls not understanding the seriousness of the matter and then begin doing things that might put them and others more at risk.

At some point, I interrupted Zerrin to try to balance out or even stop the conversation. Then later, after my girls went out for a bit, I told my wife how angry I was and that she was undermining my attempts to help our girls clearly understand the crisis we are facing. She tried stating her thoughts, but I interrupted and pointed out how she was wrong with me and wrong in saying everything she had said to our girls.

THEN…

My wife got quiet, turned away from me, and finished what she was doing in the kitchen.

She had effectively PAUSED…

I can’t quite remember, but I might have said a few more things. And she remained quiet. Her PAUSE button was still on.

I started calming down – realizing she was practicing what I teach. The first step of the PLEDGEtalk process is to Pause when in a conflict. She was doing that well.

I also began experiencing shame – a good shame – which started the process of me evaluating what I had done wrong in the conversation. For example, I reflected on how I voiced my thoughts in a reactionary mode, rather than take the time to first think about what I wanted to say and how to say it best. I interrupted, rather than taking the time to listen to understand her perspective she was trying to tell me at first. And I scorned her for saying all she did to the girls, rather than talk with her about what I was concerned about.

For me, that was the effect of my wife pausing. It was a good thing. I needed time to see my wrong.

So again: what is the best way to handle communication when the other party escalates the situation?  I would say:

  1. Pause. Simply refuse to argue.
  2. Give time and space for the other person to calm down and think about how they were responding and what they might like to say if and when they were in a more emotionally controlled state of being.
  3. You might add at some point in a very quiet, slow, and gentle voice: “I am more than willing to discuss what you are frustrated about when we can do so in a quiet, helpful and healthy manner.” When finished saying this, don’t keep staring at them, simply say it and then turn back to doing what you were doing before. Staring only makes the other feel more pressured or stressed. Turning back to what you were doing, gives the other person time to think about what you just said without feeling pressured to respond.
  4. If you consistently find yourself in the position where another party escalates the situation with you, at some point – again in a very quiet, slow, gentle voice – you might say something like: “________ (name) often when we are in conflict or have an argument it seems as though you get quite upset or heated with me. Can you help me understand why?” OR “Am I doing or saying something or acting in a certain way that is causing you to get so upset with me?”
  5. If the other party does come back to talk in a better manner, or as in case #4 above, if they say you are doing something that causes them to react, then do everything in your power to listen well to what they have to say so that you might learn more about them and know how to better relate in the future.
  6. Finally, never hesitate to get outside help. When in a relationship with someone who consistently escalates the situation, it becomes quite damaging to the relationship.  Fear sets in, ongoing distance occurs between the parties, safety becomes an issue, and the relationship deteriorates. If this describes your situation, you may need to leave and/or get help to save the relationship. Call a wise friend or mentor, your Pastor or Priest, or a counselor to get help.

I hope this gives you some direction the next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone who escalates the situation! 

As always, leave your thoughts or questions below or send them to me! 

–Mark Oelze

Author and creator of PLEDGEtalk: when communication really matters! 

Here is what one of our our recentPLEDGEtalk Live event attendees said when she went home from the and began teaching PLEDGE to her family:

“We started implementing this in our marriage, AND with our four young children, right away. My 6 and 7 year olds are already responding positively when they see me do the pause sign during the conflict between them! Thank you for this new tool!

This same person said even further: “Even after such a short time, I’ll hear my 7 year old son comment to himself, pause and shift, when he gets frustrated with his sister!”

Imagine similar experiences in your home:

A mother stops what she is doing when her angry daughter speaks to her. She turns towards her daughter with the intent of really listening. As the mother seeks to understand her heart, the daughter feels loved and her heart softens. Mom disarms the conflict by validating her daughter’s hurt and angry feelings. Both feel closer, thankful for the connection they experience. As the tension in the room subsides, the daughter expresses more of an openness to hear what mom has to say in response.

That same daughter begins to note the destructive nature of her words towards her mother. Convicted, she learns to pause before she speaks. She considers more carefully her words and how to express her anger, but in a loving way.

In another family, two children are playing when a conflict occurs over who grabbed the new toy first. Mom is about to intervene before either hurts the other, but before she can say anything, the older child uses a hand motion to signal they need to pause. Moments later, the children agree to give each other a turn rather than fight.

As the kids get older, each family member learns to listen well and understand each other when communicating. Each one reflects on what the other is saying, clarifying wherever needed, and valuing what is said. Imagine a family where felt love is more common than not because of the way each member relates to the other.

You say: “Is that really possible?” More than you think.

It will not be easy. It will take work. More specifically it will require that you first put the principles into action in the way you relate to your spouse and your children. After doing so, you then teach and train your children to follow after you.

If you have been reading my blog for very long at all, it would hardly be a surprise to hear that most of my life I have sought to learn principles to get through conflict in a more productive manner rather than just fighting. As an adult I formed those principles into a conflict resolution process we call PLEDGE. I use the process personally and teach it to others on a regular basis so that they might truly learn to love well.

More recently I have been thinking that to get the most out of the PLEDGE process, some key ingredients are necessary to put into the mix.  Read more