Building Resilience Through the 90-Second Pause

Author Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg, in her book 90 Seconds to a Life You Love, offers an insight that beautifully reinforces the first step of the PLEDGEtalk process—PAUSING when we find ourselves in conflict.

Drawing from more than 30 years of clinical practice as a psychologist, Dr. Rosenberg explains that “emotions are biological events that last roughly 90 seconds and register first as bodily sensations.” The key, she says, is not to suppress or avoid these feelings but to consciously “lean into them.” That means first allowing the emotion and labeling it, then staying present with the sensation for the full duration, trusting it will dissipate. This process, she concludes, builds “emotional strength, resilience, self-confidence, and authenticity.”

Whew! There is so much I could comment on—too much for one post—but let me highlight what I believe is most important.

I have said from the beginning that PAUSING when we find ourselves in a conflict is not the same as ignoring or suppressing what we feel. If we do that, those emotions will find another way to come out—often at a worse time and in a more damaging way. Pausing, instead, is a firm decision to stop any further harm in the conversation. I believe that is an act of love.

Now, I understand that some will see it as avoidance rooted in a fear of conflict. Fair enough—sometimes that’s true. But can it not also be both? Yes, pausing may stem from fear, but it can also be motivated by love—love for the relationship and love for the other person’s well-being.

I often tell the spouse who complains that their husband or wife “won’t share their feelings” to be grateful when that restraint keeps them from unloading in anger. Right?

Of course, that’s not the end of the work. We must also learn to label our emotions, discover the reasons behind them, and decide how to respond constructively. That’s a conversation for another day.

​For now, when emotions rise and you feel the urge to react—can you hold it for 90 seconds? When you want to interrupt—can you choose silence for 90 seconds? When every fiber in you wants to “tell it like it is”—can you wait just 90 seconds? Those moments allow the physiological wave to crest and fade, bringing the rational part of your brain back online so you can think clearly and choose wisely.

And for those who follow Jesus, those 90 seconds can also be a sacred pause—a moment to pray before you speak. Not a bad idea! 😊

As Dr. Rosenberg points out, this practice doesn’t just keep you from reacting in ways you’ll regret. It strengthens your self-control, builds confidence that your emotions don’t have to run your life, and develops resilience in the face of hardship. That’s a lot of gain for a minute and a half of patience

Ok – there’s a lot to think about in this one. You might just want to save this and read it again, even several times over the next few days.

More to come,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

P.S. Learn more about Dr. Rosenberg’s work in 90 Seconds to a Life You Love.

Building Resilience Through the 90-Second Pause