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Missed Flight – Rising Emotions and the Need to Pause!

While flying back from NYC this past weekend, we hit a snag.

Our plane from LaGuardia left 90 minutes late, and it looked like we were going to miss our connecting flight in Dallas to take us back to Wichita. Indeed, when we landed in Dallas, we had 15 minutes to get to our next gate. We sprinted at least 1/2 mile through the airport only to find a sign at our gate telling us the boarding had been completed.

​I was out of breath, in disbelief, and could feel anger growing inside of me. I didn’t know what to do. No one was around to ask for help. We were stuck. I didn’t know what to do. We had never missed a flight before. It was late. We needed to get back to Wichita. Zerrin had school to teach the next day. I had clients to see. But the plane was gone!

​Fortunately, that wasn’t the end of the story. We actually did get home that night. It turns out we were off on our time with setting clocks back over the weekend and criss-crossing time zones from Wichita to New York and back again.

​When we realized what had happened and heard our plane home had actually been changed to another gate, feelings of frustration over our mistake were now added to my overwhelm and shame, too.

​I was shut down.

​I was glad in this case, my negative emotions weren’t towards my wife (though other times they are.) Still, it created distance between us.

​It took the next couple of hours, a late night’s sleep, and some time in the morning with an open Bible for me to finally process my anger, my frustration, and my shame. I was thankful to be able to pull up out of my personal nose-dive and land safely on my feet once again, ready to start my day in a better frame of mind.

​But then…

Over the next 24 hours, we found out that a one-year-old niece of mine had been attacked by a dog, a friend’s financial security was severely threatened, another friend shared about a sister dying, and I was back counseling with couples whose marriages were falling apart!

​Whew!

​I thought to myself, “How many people know what to do when life dishes them a lemon?”

​I know, I know the saying – you turn it into lemonade. But how exactly do we do that?

​The complete answer is too long for a simple email or blog such as this. But it starts with the idea once again of PAUSING – the first step of PLEDGE. We must take time to quiet our souls, reflect, and listen to the whisper of God leading us to truth. For me, that also meant sitting down for a bit with my Bible in hand. It claims to offer direction and help in life. It did just that for me! I “heard” the quiet voice of God, which enabled me to understand my emotions, and I got back on track.

​I want you to be able to do the same!

I will be sharing more in the next several weeks about a project we have been working on behind the scenes that we are pretty excited about. It’s for those of you who want more. You have followed me long enough to know there is real value in PLEDGEtalk and the related materials we have shared, but you have questions. You’ve gotten stuck. You need some kind of hands-on help.

​It’s coming.

​Watch for more!

​Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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A New Way to Relate – the PLEDGEtalk Table

Stay at the Table

Recently, while counseling a husband and wife, I used an illustration I had never shared before — and it really hit home.

I told them that coming together to connect relationally is a lot like sitting down at a table. One person brings up a topic — something they’ve been thinking about or feeling. Sometimes it’s lighthearted. Other times, it’s heavy — maybe something that’s been simmering under the surface for a while.

They place that concern on the table, like a plate of food, and wait.

Unfortunately, in most relationships, they don’t have to wait long before the person across the table pushes the plate right back.

“That’s not true.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“That’s not even the real issue.”

Or they push it aside altogether, saying something like,

“That’s not what we should be talking about. This is the problem.”

​And just like that, they slide their own plate onto the table instead. What began as an invitation to connect becomes a competition of plates — a back-and-forth of who’s right, who’s wrong, and whose story gets to stay on the table.

​The tragedy is that when we do this, we miss the very reason the table exists in the first place. The table isn’t for proving who’s right. The table is a place to connect by coming to understand one another.

​What Healthy Couples Do Differently

In a healthy and helpful PLEDGEtalk conversation, something very different happens.

​When one person “serves up” an issue, the other doesn’t shove it back or push it aside. Instead, they take a good look at it. They turn the plate around to see it from different angles.

​They might say things like:

  • “Help me understand what you mean.”
  • “Tell me more about how this feels to you.”
  • “What else might be on this plate that I should see?”

​In other words, they get curious instead of defensive.

​They don’t pick up their own dish until they’ve fully understood the one that was served to them. In fact, they might even ask,

“Is there anything else that needs to be dished up — anything we haven’t talked about yet?”

​Only after they’ve really listened, understood, and echoed does the table turn — naturally and respectfully — to their own thoughts or perspective.

​The PLEDGEtalk Table

That’s what PLEDGEtalk is all about:

  • Pause before reacting.
  • Listen to understand.
  • Echo what you’ve heard.
  • Disarm defensiveness by validating feelings.
  • Give space for both stories to be fully heard.
  • Engage together toward resolution.

When both people learn to stay at the table — not just to win but to win together — something sacred happens. Understanding grows. Hearts soften. And what once felt like conflict begins to taste like connection.

Try This

​The next time your spouse “dishes something up,” try this simple shift:
Don’t push it back. Don’t push it aside. Stay at the table.

​Turn the plate. Look at it from their side. Ask questions. Listen deeply.

​Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about winning the argument — it’s about staying at the table long enough to truly understand what’s being served.

​Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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The World’s Most Powerful Medicine

The World’s Most Powerful Medicine

I was preparing a post for this week when I happened upon the following post on Facebook. I wanted to share it with you as I thought of how each of us is seeking to love well in the way we communicate. It’s about giving someone time to speak – as much time as needed – while you notice them and listen. This is a gift so rarely offered, and yet so powerful when it is. Read the following and take some time to reflect on how well you listen to others!

Taylor Sophie/NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC

A Facebook post… September 29, 2025

I know the exact pressure it takes to crack a rib during CPR. But last Tuesday, I learned a patient’s silence can break a doctor’s soul

His name was David Chen, but on my screen, he was “Male, 82, Congestive Heart Failure, Room 402.” I spent seven minutes with him that morning. Seven minutes to check his vitals, listen to the fluid in his lungs, adjust his diuretics, and type 24 required data points into his Electronic Health Record. He tried to tell me something, gesturing toward a faded photo on his nightstand. I nodded, said “we’ll talk later,” and moved on. There was no billing code for “talk later.

“Mr. Chen died that afternoon. As a nurse quietly cleared his belongings, she handed me the photo. It was him as a young man, beaming, his arm around a woman, standing before a small grocery store with “CHEN’S MARKET” painted on the window.

​The realization hit me like a physical blow. I knew his ejection fraction and his creatinine levels. I knew his insurance provider and his allergy to penicillin. But I didn’t know his wife’s name or that he had built a life from nothing with his own two hands. I hadn’t treated David Chen. I had managed the decline of a failing organ system. And in the sterile efficiency of it all, I had lost a piece of myself.

The next day, I bought a small, black Moleskine notebook. It felt like an act of rebellion.

My first patient was Eleanor Gable, a frail woman lost in a sea of white bedsheets, diagnosed with pneumonia. I did my exam, updated her chart, and just as I was about to leave, I paused. I turned back from the door.

“Mrs. Gable,” I said, my voice feeling strange. “Tell me one thing about yourself that’s not in this file.

“Her tired eyes widened in surprise. A faint smile touched her lips. “I was a second-grade teacher,” she whispered. “The best sound in the world… is the silence that comes just after a child finally reads a sentence on their own.

“I wrote it down in my notebook. Eleanor Gable: Taught children how to read.

I kept doing it. My little black book began to fill with ghosts of lives lived.

Frank Miller: Drove a yellow cab in New York for 40 years.

Maria Flores: Her mole recipe won the state fair in Texas, three years running.

Sam Jones: Proposed to his wife on the Kiss Cam at a Dodgers game.

Something began to change. The burnout, that heavy, gray cloak I’d been wearing for years, started to feel a little lighter. Before entering a room, I’d glance at my notebook. I wasn’t walking in to see the “acute pancreatitis in 207.” I was walking in to see Frank, who probably had a million stories about the city. My patients felt it too. They’d sit up a little straighter. A light would flicker back in their eyes. They felt seen.

The real test came with Leo. He was 22, angry, and refusing dialysis for a condition he’d brought on himself. He was a “difficult patient,” a label that in hospital-speak means “we’ve given up.” The team was frustrated.

I walked into his room and sat down, leaving my tablet outside. We sat in silence for a full minute. I didn’t look at his monitors. I looked at the intricate drawings covering his arms.

“Who’s your artist?” I asked.

He scoffed. “Did ’em myself.”

“They’re good,” I said. “This one… it looks like a blueprint.”For the first time, his gaze lost its hard edge.

“Wanted to be an architect,” he muttered, “before… all this.

“We talked for twenty minutes about buildings, about lines, about creating something permanent. We didn’t mention his kidneys once. When I stood up to leave, he said, so quietly I almost missed it, “Okay. We can try the dialysis tomorrow.

“Later that night, I opened my Moleskine. I wrote: Leo Vance: Designs cities on paper.

The system I work in is designed to document disease with thousands of data points. It logs every cough, every pill, every lab value. It tells the story of how a body breaks down.

My little black book tells a different story. It tells the story of why a life mattered.

We are taught to practice medicine with data, but we heal with humanity. And in a world drowning in information, a single sentence that says, “I see you,” isn’t just a kind gesture​

It’s the most powerful medicine we have.

______________________________

Make time to notice and listen to someone you love this weekend, and then again, to even a stranger. You will never know the difference you might make in their life!

Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

​

*Article taken from Taylor Sophie/National Geographic on Facebook. CLICK HERE for the exact link.

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Team Talk for Better Relationships

A Lesson in Teamwork—From My Driveway

Outside my office window today, I watched a six-man crew pour a new driveway at our house. It was remarkable to see how well they worked together as a team. No one complained. They switched roles easily, picking up whatever tool or task was needed in the moment. They talked, they laughed, they worked hard—and they got the job done beautifully.

That got me thinking…

What if those of us who are married—or part of a family—took the same approach? What if it wasn’t about me or my spouse, but about us? What if we truly saw ourselves as a team on a mission? We wouldn’t complain. We’d switch roles as needed, stepping in to handle whatever task keeps things moving. We’d talk, make it fun, laugh together. And we’d work hard at being good teammates.

The result? A beautiful picture of what marriage can be.

And what if we brought that same mindset into PLEDGEtalk and our daily relationships? For instance, someone could step in and say:

  • PAUSE: “Can we stop for a moment? The way we’re talking right now isn’t good for us. Let’s take a break, then come back ready to communicate as teammates.”

  • LISTEN: “I sense something’s going on in you—or between us. I’d like to really listen so I can understand.”

  • ECHO: “You just said a lot. Let me echo it back to make sure I’ve got it right.”

  • DISARM: “Thank you for sharing that. I see where you’re coming from. That makes sense.”

  • GIVE: “I appreciate hearing your view. Would you be okay if I share mine too, so we both understand and can work toward the best outcome as a team?”

  • ENGAGE: “Can we agree to use PLEDGEtalk as our regular way of enhancing communication—as teammates?”

Here’s the point: the person who chooses to step into dialogue with PLEDGEtalk strengthens the team. The one who knows what to do but stays silent? That person contributes to the team’s breakdown.

So, when conflict comes your way this weekend—which kind of teammate will you be?

—Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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Decode the Message: Bids for Connection

When a Spouse Seems to Attack

A wife brings her frustrations or hurts to her husband, and he feels attacked. He brushes them off and counters with his own frustrations. Her defenses go up, and she fires back again. Around and around it goes.

But here’s the truth: the wife usually isn’t trying to attack—she’s trying to send a message. The key is to set aside your own immediate reaction and ask:

What is she really saying or wanting?

Simply put, she wants connection.

More fully, she wants the relationship to be one of connection—on every level. She longs to be on the same page, to see eye to eye, to be heard and understood, to make amends, to experience life as teammates, to work well together, and to enjoy a deep, rich bond.

Bids for Connection

John Gottman, the country’s foremost researcher on marriage, calls these attempts “bids for connection.”

Bids are the small, everyday gestures—verbal, physical, or emotional—that reach for closeness. They can be obvious, like saying, “Look at that bird!” or reaching for a hug. Or they can come out sideways, in the form of complaints:

  • “You never help out.”

  • “You’re always in the garage.”

  • “You’re always on your phone.”

On the surface, these sound like attacks. But underneath, they are still bids for connection. Trust me—they are signals that say, “I want to matter to you.”

Three Possible Responses

Gottman found that how partners respond to bids is critical to the health of the relationship. There are three typical responses:

  • Turning Toward: Engaging positively with the bid. Example: “Wow, that IS a pretty bird!” Or, when faced with a complaint: “You sound hurt about this. Tell me what’s going on inside.” This builds trust and connection.

  • Turning Away: Ignoring or missing the bid—such as being lost in your phone and not responding.

  • Turning Against: Responding with irritation or hostility. Example: “Why are you bothering me with that?”

Gottman’s research is sobering. In healthy, lasting relationships, partners turn toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time. In marriages that eventually collapse, that number drops to about 33%. These small moments—repeated day after day—are what make or break emotional intimacy.

Your Turn

So here’s my question for you:
What will you do this week when your spouse—or child, friend, neighbor, or co-worker—makes a bid for connection, whether it comes across as positive or negative?

Will you turn toward, turn away, or turn against?

I’d love to hear your reflections and experiences this week.

—
Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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Dialogue or Debate?

Dialogue or Debate?

Is One Better Than the Other?

Simply put, it depends on your purpose.

Think of a continuum from 1 to 10. On the end with the “1” is Dialogue. On the other end, with the “10”, is Debate. We all fall somewhere along that line when we disagree and try to make a point. Most of us shift positions on that continuum depending on the conversation. Neither form of communication is inherently wrong; they are just different.

​Where We Naturally Land

Most of my time in communication is spent on the dialogue end—probably between a 2 and 4. Charlie Kirk, by contrast, was primarily a debater. I would rate him as moving between 6 and 9 on the continuum most of the time.

In my profession, I’ve sought to help couples communicate so both sides feel fully heard and understood, with the hope of resolving conflict and creating deeper connection. The majority of couples come to my office in “debate” mode, trying not only to make their case but also to convince me they are right and the other is wrong. Needless to say, this never goes well – and I never use the word ‘never!’ 🥴 I coach them to shift into healthy dialogue instead. That’s what PLEDGEtalk is built on—a constructive method of dialogue.

​Dialogue vs. Debate in Effectiveness

In one-to-one conversations, my experience is that dialogue is more effective than debate. By effective, I mean it increases the chances that both sides will be heard and understood, and it fosters connection—even when full agreement isn’t reached.

Debate, on the other hand, often seeks to win an argument not only with the other person but with an audience listening in. Charlie excelled at this. He brought convictions about truth, country, marriage and family, and faith in Jesus Christ into the public square with passion and impacted thousands—millions, in fact—who were listening.

​The Guiding Principle: Love

Ultimately, what guides whether we lean toward dialogue or debate should be our call to love.

But when it comes to communication, what does love look like?

Love in Dialogue

In dialogue, the one who loves seeks first not to be understood, but to understand. Listening isn’t the only component of healthy dialogue, but it’s far more important than many realize. To love well is to enter another’s world, hear their story, walk alongside them, and connect.

Jesus modeled this perfectly. He left heaven to enter our broken world, experiencing life from conception in a womb to death in a tomb.

Love in Debate

In debate, love can be harder to see—but it is present when the intent is to speak truth for the other’s good. Love here is less about listening and more about declaring truth. Charlie Kirk embodied this. And again, Jesus is the ultimate example.

During the final years of His ministry, Jesus frequently taught and debated truth. He did this not to win arguments, but because He knew the brokenness in people’s hearts and where it would lead if uncorrected. Out of love, He spoke truth plainly, pointing out error and offering the way to fullness of life.

​None of Us Does It Perfectly

Did Charlie always debate perfectly? No. There were times I wished he would have moved closer to the dialogue side.

Have I always loved perfectly in dialogue? No. There are times I wish I would take courage and move more towards the debate side of the continuum, speaking the truth more boldly.

We are all still in process, hopefully all seeking to love well in the way we communicate. That’s the bottom line of my passion for teaching PLEDGEtalk!

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I welcome any and all thoughts!

Mark Oelze​
Author / Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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Are You Kind?

Kindness

When was the last time you truly experienced kindness? And what effect did it have on you?

I experience being “kinded” (my word for the experience of someone being kind to me) regularly through my wife. Just last night, she listened with genuine understanding—even when it meant her admitting some fault in a conflict we had.

She “kinded” me again when she offered to get me water, helped with a task without a single complaint, and came alongside me to support my endeavors. She kinds me every day when she…

  • looks at me when I speak

  • doesn’t interrupt

  • smiles when she sees me

  • teams with me in the work of our home, inside and out

  • leaves post-it notes of thanks or encouragement

  • prays with me and for me

  • listens to my endless new thoughts about life

  • affirms my work and my worth

  • …and more

What’s the effect? I am drawn to her. I feel safe with her. My love deepens, and I want to return the gift by showing kindness to her in the same ways.

How about you? Do you intentionally practice kindness? We all long for it and appreciate it when others extend it. Kindness sits at the very core of the PLEDGEtalk way of communicating—even outside of conflict. To pause and give others time to share what’s on their mind is kind. To listen well, to echo back, and to validate someone’s thoughts, ideas, or concerns is an act of kindness.

Today, practice kindness—with your spouse, your child, a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger you cross paths with. Notice the effect. You’ll brighten their day—and you’ll brighten your own in the process.

—
Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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Mourning Charlie Kirk – Some Personal Reflections

Mourning Charlie Kirk — A Candle in the Darkness

Like many around the world, I was stunned when I heard the news of the shooting and death of Charlie Kirk. Millions are mourning his loss. And, shockingly, some seem not just indifferent—but even celebratory.

I’ve found myself reflecting on what to think… and what to say.

Regardless of where one stands politically or spiritually, I want to share a few thoughts I’ve had about Charlie:

  • He was profoundly courageous.
  • He believed in universal, absolute truths.
  • He addressed how these truths, or the lack thereof, affect culture, country, and life.
  • He stood for those truths often in hostile environments.
  • He deeply loved his wife and children.
  • He was grateful to be forgiven and loved by Jesus Christ—despite his own brokenness.
  • He wanted others to experience that same forgiveness and love in their own brokenness.
  • He firmly believed that if people truly understood the love of Christ, they would discover Jesus to be “the Way, the Truth, and the Life,” just as He claimed.

Charlie believed, for example:

  • The more fully we grasp the WAY Christ has loved all humanity, the more racism would be dismantled at every level.
  • As we grow in our understanding of Christ’s TRUTH about His intentional creation of male and female, we begin to treat one another with deeper reverence and receive our sexuality as a sacred gift—not a personal construct.
  • The closer we experience LIFE with Jesus and follow Him, the more we realize that nothing else truly and lastingly satisfies—not money, sex, or changing one’s sex, not alcohol, drugs, pornography, fame, or fortune.

I have been sobered, deeply saddened, and stirred.

Purportedly, St. Francis of Assisi once said:

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”

Thank you Charlie!

However many days God grants me on this earth, I aim to be one of those candles. I want to shine the light of Christ—to help others find Jesus as the Way to the Father in Heaven, who embodies all Truth and is the source of everlasting Life.

Mark Oelze Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

P.S. Debate or dialogue? Charlie was big into debate. I am passionate about dialogue. I have come to believe both have their place—and I’ll share more on that in a future post.

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Why I Want to VENT?

When Is It OK to Vent Our Emotions?

I threw my phone the other day. I don’t like to admit it, but I did. Thankfully, I threw it into the couch, so I still have my phone—but yes, I threw it. Irrrrr!

I’m also thankful no one else was around. Not because I’m embarrassed (I am sharing it here after all), but because my outburst could have made others feel afraid or unsafe.

This raises the bigger question: Is it ever OK to vent our emotions in front of others? And if so, how do we know when?

Anger as Protection

When a dad raises his voice at his son because the boy is ignoring his Father’s concerns and about to do something unsafe, is that OK? Likely yes. The motivation in this case is love and protection.

Frustration as Venting

When a wife tells her husband how fed up she is with his late hours, is that OK? Likely no. If the motivation is simply to “vent,” to “tell it like it is,” or to “be honest,” then the focus is more about self-relief than love. Often, it risks hurting rather than helping.

Silence as Escape—or Love

When a husband walks off without talking to his wife, is that OK? It depends.

  • Yes—if it’s a conscious Pause to avoid saying something harmful, especially if he communicates: “I need to Pause and go on a walk.”
  • No—if it’s dismissive, meant to escape “the noise,” or driven by self-protection. In that case, the motivation is not love for his wife, but concern for himself.

The Common Thread: Motivation

Are you catching the common element here? The key is motivation.

We are called—by God, and by Love itself—to interact with others in ways that build safety and connection, not fear or distance.

Questions to Ask Before Speaking

  • Am I pausing long enough to examine my motives?
  • Am I aware of how my words might affect the other person?
  • Will this expression further relational connection?
  • If Jesus is part of my life, have I prayed for wisdom, timing, words, and love?

If you can answer yes to all of these, then proceed—but with caution. Circumstances can shift quickly: defensiveness can rise, timing can be interrupted, emotions can escalate. In those moments, it’s often wiser to ​Pause again—90 seconds or more​—before continuing. Pushing forward rarely produces a good outcome.

Final Thought

There’s much to consider when deciding whether or not to express emotions to another. Reflect on the above, practice, and feel free to reply with your questions—I may address them in a future post.

That’s all for now,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

– Why I want to vent –

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It’s OK to Feel!

It’s Ok to Feel!

In my last two posts, I discussed the importance of pausing for 90 seconds when we feel an emotion—especially when we perceive it as a “negative” one. I also wrote about naming our emotions to help tame them.

But what if we have a hard time even recognizing or naming what we feel? Sometimes this happens simply because we were never taught enough about emotions or given a wide vocabulary to describe them. That’s why I shared an emotions chart in the last post—you may want to revisit it.

There’s another reason many struggle: men, perhaps more than women, but really both, often associate emotions with shame, weakness, or vulnerability. To protect themselves from further pain, they learn to shut down their emotions quickly. Over time, they may lose touch not only with naming their feelings but with noticing that they are feeling at all. I can appreciate that, and I recognize how that’s played out in my own life at times.

Yet I’ve come to understand this: it’s vital to accept our emotions as a very real part of who we are. God created us as emotional beings. And though emotions may sometimes feel unsafe, feeling what we feel is not weakness. Quite the opposite. It takes true strength to admit—to ourselves and sometimes to others—that we feel, and to name what we feel.

This is something I’ve learned by looking at Jesus. He was a man who experienced virtually every human emotion. Here are just a few:

If Jesus felt free to experience such a full range of emotions, surely we can as well.

One final note: while we do have the freedom to feel everything, that doesn’t mean we’re free to express everything however we wish. That’s a topic for another post.

For now, give yourself space to acknowledge that you feel, and to notice what you feel. It’s not only okay—it’s good. If you’ve never tried journaling, now is the perfect time to start. Writing helps give your body and mind permission to feel and to name those feelings. In the coming weeks, I’ll share why this practice is so valuable.

That’s all for today!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEGEtalk.com

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