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Name Your Feelings, Lead Your Life!

Name It to Tame It: The Simple Secret to Calmer Conversations

Ever had a conversation with your spouse (or anyone close to you) that went south fast?
One minute you’re talking, the next your blood pressure’s climbing, and words are flying that you wish you could take back.

Here’s a simple, science-backed tool that can stop that downward spiral: Pause. Name it. Tame it.

Step 1: Pause for 90 Seconds

In my last post, HERE, I shared how hitting the “pause button” for just 90 seconds when you feel a strong emotion gives your body time to cool off. Those 90 seconds allow the adrenaline surge to fade so your brain can think clearly again.

Think of it as a reset button for your mind.

Step 2: Name What You Feel

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, coined the phrase “name it to tame it.” His research shows that labeling your emotions—whether you’re a child or an adult—can actually calm the brain’s fight-or-flight response.

When you name your emotion, you begin to tame it.
It’s not magic—it’s neuroscience.

Why Naming Works

When you name your emotion, you start understanding it.
That understanding begins to strip away its power over you.

Example:​
​Your spouse interrupts you mid-sentence. You feel your shoulders tense. You blurt something sharp that you regret. You’re left wondering, Why did I react like that?

Later, you replay the moment. You realize they spoke out of turn. They didn’t let you finish. They assumed they knew your point and cut you off, saying you were wrong. What were you feeling?
Maybe it was irritation. Or frustration. Or just plain anger.
By giving it a name, you connect the dots between what happened and how you reacted.

The Marriage Superpower

This “naming” habit gives you the power to:

  • Understand why you’re feeling what you feel, and respond the way you do.
  • Reduce emotional overwhelm.
  • Choose a better response next time.

The result? Less regret. More connection.

Weekend Challenge:

Next time emotions run high:

  1. Pause & breathe – Give yourself those 90 seconds.
  2. Name it – Choose the word that best describes your emotion(s).
  3. And if you choose, share it – Tell your spouse or friend, “I’m feeling frustrated,” instead of launching into attack mode.

The more you practice, the easier it gets—and the calmer your conversations will become.

💡 Remember: Strong marriages aren’t built by avoiding emotion. They’re built by handling emotion well!​

To help, I am including a diagram that lists the names of various emotions you might feel:

Name Your Feelings, Lead Your Life!

In my next posts, we will further discuss a course of action for what to do after we feel and name our emotions.

That’s all for now!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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God’s Invitation: A Friendship Awaits

God’s Invitation:  A Friendship Awaits!

In last week’s Talking Tip, I wrote about John Gottman’s idea that we make “bids” to each other to start a conversation. To the degree they are noticed and appreciated, a healthy and helpful conversation ensues.

This week I have been thinking of another kind of bid…

In life, we make horizontal bids to those around us, but we also have the opportunity to make vertical bids – to begin a conversation with God. Even more amazing, He makes bids to start conversations with us!

This morning on a walk God reminded me of that very thing. I am not quite sure how to explain it, but I felt this nudging inside me, like a desire whelming up to start talking to God. I believe the nudging was Him calling out to me – making a bid – to start a dialogue. Imagine that – the Creator of the world wanted to have conversation with me! He wants to dialogue with you too! So I started talking. He and I had a conversation.

Toward the end of my walk, I sat on a park bench, and as I did, this phrase came to mind: “I am your friend, not your foe!” God was making another bid! It reminded me of what Jesus said to His disciples: “I call you my friends.”

Ok STOP.

Think about this: God wants to be our friend AND He wants to have conversation with us!

Whew! When you do STOP and THINK ABOUT it – that is mind blowing!

The God of the universe wants to be your friend and mine, and He wants to converse with us!

I know that not everyone who gets these emails are followers of Jesus. I hope when I talk about Him that it doesn’t turn you off. Rather, my hope would be that it intrigues you, or even more so, that the nudge inside you grows to the point where you too, just might start talking to Him.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to write more about talking to God and the impact it has on our relationships. I hope you keep reading!

For now, when you feel the nudge, consider looking up and start a dialogue!

God’s Invitation:  A Friendship Awaits!

​

Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com!

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Why Make Room for THIS during Christmas!

Christmas 2023:  There is No Room!

Every year around this time, during the Christmas season, I like to reread The Story with a fresh perspective. It’s amazing how something new always jumps out at me. This year was no different.

A few weeks ago, at church, our pastor was speaking on the Christmas story, and something really stood out to me. Joseph and Mary were heading into Bethlehem, and Mary was about to give birth. They were desperate for a place to stay, but there was no room. The man at the door said, “Sorry, no room.” As Pastor Bob read that again, it hit me. This man was essentially saying that there was no room for God.

The concept of not having room for God is profound. Jesus, whose name is Emmanuel, which means “God with us,” was being rejected. This man unknowingly symbolized the rejection of God, the creator of everything. It made me realize how often we don’t make room for God in our lives. It’s incredible; it just was stirring me. Oh, my word, oh, my word, no room for God, think about that. He left and he knocked on another door, the same response. Another door, same response, until finally, they said, “There’s a place out there in the barn, we’ll put God out there.” It’s overwhelming when you stop to think about that, there’s no room for him here, we can put him out there.

For several weeks now, I’ve been pondering that and thinking about how that applies even to my own life. I am wondering how it applies to all of our lives. How often do we say, do I say, there’s no room right now? There’s no room, I’m too busy in my life. I don’t have room for God. I don’t have the energy. There’s no room for God. I don’t have any interest. My interest is in too many other things. I’m not interested in Jesus, in Emmanuel, in God. There’s no room for him in my life. Or how often do we say there’s no room for him in our marriage? There’s too much going on, too many other things we’re interested in, too many things we have to make happen, and we don’t have any room.

There’s another verse that also came to mind. The verse is found in the Gospel of Luke, that’s the book with the longest story of Joseph and Mary, the Christmas story. But there’s another book of the Bible, at the very end of the Bible, the Book of Revelation, where there’s a verse that says in Revelation 3:20, “Hey! Whoa!” Jesus is saying this. The translation we read uses the word ‘behold” but it means “Hey!!!” He is trying to get our attention. Jesus is like, he’s saying, “I’m here.” And perhaps he’s even shouting, “I’m standing at the door, I’m knocking.” This is the second most stunning thing! The first most stunning thing in the Luke story is Joseph saying, “We have this God here,” and the guy at the Inn says, “No room.” Now God himself is knocking on our door, your door, my door. And he’s saying, “I’m out here, I want in.” Think about that again, the God of the universe, the creator of all things is saying to us, “I want in.” But he’s a gentleman, he’s not forcing his way in, but he’s knocking and he wants in. And then it says he wants in, and for everybody that opens the door to God, to Jesus, he says, ‘I’m going to come in,’ and he says, ‘we’re going to have dinner together.” It gives the idea that we’re going to hang out around the table. We’re going to have a wonderful time, and a friendship and a relationship that gets established with us and God! He wants in – that’s the most amazing part!

This year, as we consider once again the Christmas story, every one of us has the choice to keep the door closed and say no room in my life. In my time, in my interest, in my energy, there’s no room. Or we can say, “Oh yes, please, I can’t believe it! I’m stunned that you’re even knocking on my door. I’m overwhelmed by the idea that you’re even knocking.” 

The God of the universe is knocking at our door. He wants in. And I just want to say to you, during this Christmas season let’s make room for God, let’s make room for Jesus.

Merry Christmas,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Joy and Marriage – How do you keep a marriage healthy for life?

Further Thoughts on the Joy of the Dance in Marriage For Life…

Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay

A dance that brings joy – married for Life. It’s what we all want. My parents are in their 68th year. It’s not a perfect marriage, but I still see those moments when Mom – with love in her eyes – reaches out to touch Dad to show him she is there and she cares. And I see Dad bringing home flowers sometimes for no reason at all except that he cares too for Mom.

How do we get there? How do we get to the end of life still holding each other’s hands and thanking God for the gift He gave us in each other?

It takes work!

We must:

  • forgive countless times
  • seek to serve rather than to be served
  • be patient – like we hope the other is patient with us
  • show kindness every day, in every way possible
  • remember why we first so appreciated each other
  • take time to give time to enjoy time to make the best of time
  • expect conflict, prepare for when conflict will occur, and commit to resolving conflict as soon as it emerges
  • seek help from outside sources when we can’t figure it out ourselves
  • listen without interruption, staying focused as you do
  • be each other’s greatest cheerleader
  • encourage each other day after day
  • DECIDE NOW how important your spouse is to you. If she or he really matters, THEN commit to becoming a life-long learner about marriage.
  • And my list could go on and on and on.

In short, we must love the other as we once promised we would. I know it is hard. Let me say that again. I KNOW it is hard! I have been so angry at my wife sometimes and she me – but we kept returning to love. We have no other option.

In one of the bullet points above,  I mentioned becoming a life-long learner about marriage. Here are some ways to do that:

Read one book on marriage every 3 – 6 months. Here are my top four books on marriage and relationships:

Attend a marriage retreat/conference in 2024. Here is one I HIGHLY recommend:  A Weekend to Remember, put on by Family Life Ministries. Zerrin and I have been and loved it. You can go HERE to find out the nearest one to you and all the available dates. When you register, look for the box that says “Group Name” and put in:  Madlyinlove. That will get you a discount.

For 2024, FamilyLife will offer a Half-Off promotion during a Black Friday promo on November 17-22, and again on January 3-22, 2024. These are the best times for couples to get the best price offered. There are three area conferences happening on Valentine’s weekend next year, February 9-11 – a great way to celebrate and invest in your marriage! Again, when you register, put MadlyInLove in the Group Name box. With this special promotion, you may not get a further discount, but it helps us. For every five couples that use this group name, we get to give away a free Weekend.

REMEMBER – it takes work to learn the dance!  But it is the best kind of work!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Give me a heads up below if you will get a book above or attend The Weekend To Remember Marriage Conference!

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Word Choice – How can you change your speech to help conflict progress?

Further Thoughts on What to Say Rather than “But” in a Conversation!  11/2/23

Half empty or half full?

You have heard the question – probably many times. It is asked after a speaker holds up a glass with water up to the halfway mark. The question is then posed for the purpose of discovering whether people tend to be more optimistic in life or pessimistic. Everyone then gives a bit of a chuckle and the speaker makes some kind of point from the illustration.

One day, I found myself thinking, they’re wrong. They are all wrong!  The glass is not half empty OR half full, it is BOTH!  It is half empty AND half full!

What does this have to do with conversations or conflict?

In almost every conflict conversation I have been a part of personally or professionally, I see two things take place. First, both parties think their way is the right and only way when it comes to resolving the conflict. I must confess, this describes me as well. It is what I tend to think at first when I am in conflict. I would go so far as to say it is the default position we all take when in conflict. I’m right – you are wrong.  Someone says, “The glass is half-full” and they are sure they are right.” The other party says: “The glass is half-empty” and they are sure THEY are right. There is no other position to even consider on either behalf!

The second thing I see is this:  as time is taken to understand each person’s perspective the view of the problem begins to change. It may happen quickly, or it may take quite some time.  But it does happen – almost universally if we take the time to truly listen and understand – our view changes. We may not agree with another’s side of the story, but we come to see that the glass was not just one way or another. It was both. There was more to see and understand as to why the conflict occurred.

Herein is the reason to use the phrase “at the same time” rather than the word “But” when in a conflict conversation. The latter response infers there is only one side to the story.  Saying “at the same time” clearly indicates an understanding of a greater picture.

Sometimes I use the idea of a puzzle when in a conflict. I seek to gather all the pieces of the puzzle from the other party or parties making sure to validate them.  I then say I have a few more pieces to add, and ask if they would be willing to hear or see them as well. Upon putting my “pieces” on the table to complete the puzzle, we can then step back to gain the full picture of what took place when the conflict occurred.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict make sure you do all you can to slow down the process and put the entire puzzle together. Committing to the process of seeing the whole picture will go a long way to helping you have healthy and helpful conflict conversations!

Oh and be sure to nix that BUT word!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

What one idea is most helpful from the above?  Drop it into the comments below!

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Surrender! When? – How and when should you surrender during conflict?

Further Thoughts on SURRENDER! Where? When? Why? 10/27/23

Image by Paul Zilvanus Lonan from Pixabay

I first had the notion of “surrender” come to mind when I recently imagined how I would respond to my wife after listening to her side of the conflict:

  • I observed that I had a type of “but” in my first sentence
  • I could hear “tone” in my voice
  • I saw how quickly I would jump in as soon as she was finished talking
  • I felt how eager I was to get to my point rather than affirm hers

That’s when I heard in my head:

“Surrender!”

I didn’t like the idea. My reaction to what I had “heard” made me suspect this was something I ought to pay attention to.  Suggestions of personal growth are rarely first welcomed with glee.

I kept musing… Succumbing to the idea of surrender might not benefit me. It might be hard or costly.

It’s so often difficult – even for me – to communicate in love the way I teach others to with PLEDGEtalk.

When we are unwilling to surrender the felt right to give our perspective in a conflict, it is often indicative of further work needing to be done in us.  Consider what I mean with each of the four bullet points above:

  • Why would I start with a “yeah, but” statement? Am I unwilling to appreciate or validate my wife’s thoughts or feelings?
  • Why “tone” in my response? Was I seeking to shame my wife or put her in her place?
  • Why jump in so quickly? Was I really listening to her in the first place? If not, why not?
  • Why was I so eager to get my point across? Do I think my thoughts and feelings are more important than hers?

I hope you can see the need I had for self-examination before I proceeded with the conversation. The word “surrender” was exactly what I needed to hear, and needed to heed. I needed to surrender my felt right to react in any of the above ways. For me to do anything else at the moment, would not have been in line with love. At the very least, my wife would have felt missed, and at the most, she would have felt shamed, hurt, and attacked. All at the expense of my reacting out of a feeling like I had the right to do so.

Here me closely: I am not saying we cannot or should not give our perspective on a matter. What I am saying is, we must spend time considering what is happening inside us before we do. We must aim to love above all else.

Zerrin and I did continue the conversation. And I did share my thoughts and feelings – but later than I initially felt like doing so. Only after noting what was happening inside me, and choosing instead to love was I ready to share. It made all the difference in the world!

Can you give me a one-word reaction below?

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Halting Conflict – What can you do to stop conflict before it starts?

Further Thoughts on How To Keep Conflict From Creeping Up On You!  10/19/23

For various reasons, I suspect almost everyone is afraid of conflict. Because of this, we do all we can to avoid it. This includes redefining conflict as something other than what we are currently experiencing. We think, as long as we aren’t ______________  (fill in the blank) we aren’t really having conflict. As long as we aren’t physical with each other, or yelling, or using hurtful language, or… we aren’t in conflict. The result? Much of the conflict we experience is never attended to. We brush past it because we don’t see it for what it is – real conflict. It may be low-level conflict in your eyes, but it is nevertheless, still conflict. The danger of not attending to low-level conflict is that frustration and resentment builds until we have a full-blown conflict, which is nearly impossible to manage.

Address conflict even when it’s in its infancy stage!

Here’s the good news: if you know PLEDGEtalk, you can do this. Simply say something like: “Hey I think something just happened between us that doesn’t feel right. ‘I said this and you said or did that’ (or ‘You said this and I said or did that’). Can we stop a moment (pause!) and back up to see what just happened?” Then volunteer to LISTEN first, then ECHO, and then DISARM the tension by validating what the other shares.

QUESTION: Why would you not do this?

Some might say: “that would take too much time!”

  • That might indeed be true – especially at first.

  • At the same time (see how I did that? I did not use the word BUT), think of how much time is lost because you both feel the disconnect even from low-level conflict. And, when things blow up you waste hours, days, weeks, or even longer because of the fighting and distance between each other.

Others might say: “that sounds like a lot of work!”

  • And again I would say, yes – it takes a lot of work!

  • I would also add – it is the best kind of work! Building strong relationships will pay HUGE benefits throughout your lifetime!

And still others might say: “it’s simply too scary to address conflict even if it is low-level conflict.”

  • That makes sense. Even I often feel the discomfort when engaging in conflict conversations.

  • Here’s what helps the scariness: learning PLEDGEtalk like the back of your hand. When you practice the principles every day in every conversation, they become a part of who you are. So when conflict happens you will know exactly what to do. Add to that, when you and your partner, or friend or co-worker both know the process and agree to use it, all the better.  You might ask what to do if they don’t know PLEDGEtalk. Good question – ask them if you can share it with them so you can both better your communication with each other and create a strong relationship!

Over this past weekend, my wife and I had a pretty significant conflict. Because we were in different parts of the country we were forced to pause for a few days until we were together again. The good news is we had an AMAZING conflict conversation, all guided by PLEDGEtalk! You can learn to do the same.

A final thought…

One of the biggest reasons we don’t attend to conflict at all – whether it is low-level or full-blown conflict – is because it requires us to work on ourselves and change! I know this is true. As Zerrin and I talked through our conflict last night I learned more about myself and one specific area that I needed to do some work on me! I remind myself though, it is the best kind of work!!!

Hope that helps for the week – now practice all the above over the weekend. Engage the PLEDGEtalk process with any and all conflict you might experience!

(If you need a review of PLEDGEtalk, download the infographic HERE!)

What might make you hesitant to address even low-level conflict?  Leave a comment below!

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Pausing In Conflict – How do you better utilize listening?

Further thoughts on the most important step to take when in conflict!  10/12/23

Do either of you feel a bit of tension right now – this moment – between you?” I had stopped a couple mid-sentence in a recent counseling conversation to ask them the question.

They looked at me, then at each other, as if they were assessing the situation. First, the husband and then the wife agreed. They were experiencing tension, though they would not have recognized it as such if I had not stopped to ask.

We talk about PLEDGEtalk being a six-step process to resolve conflict – and then miss the most important time to put it into practice. The time is the VERY moment when you experience even the smallest amount of tension in you, in the person in front of you, or in between you.

PAUSE and start the process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

All too often we don’t notice the tension. Perhaps we are unaware of low levels of tension. We weren’t taught much about emotions or what to do with them so we trained ourselves to ignore them.  Maybe we are too focused on ourselves and what we want to say that we miss seeing the tension. It could also be that we don’t care at that moment – we just want to unload. Unfortunately, in doing any of the above we sail right past the tension, and the wind picks up rather quickly until we are in a full-blown conflict storm.

Instead, PAUSE and start the PLEDGEtalk process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

Another error people make when they first hear me teach PLEDGEtalk is to think that Pausing is only something to do when in conflict, at the beginning of the process. Though I am glad they recognize and may even practice the step of Pause in this way – it is not at all the only time to do so. Throughout any conflict conversation, tensions will rise and fall. My counsel is to pause repeatedly as often as you experience the tension. Sometimes it will be a verbal pause “Excuse me, I’m sorry, I know I just reacted, give me a moment to dial down and do better at communicating (or listening.)”  You take a few deep breaths, remind yourself how this person matters to you, tell yourself they have a story that needs to be heard too, and then you begin again. Sometimes it is an internal pause, where you catch yourself before reacting outwardly. You rehearse the same line of thinking as just written, as you work to stay focused in your listening to hear what the other wants you to hear. This type of “pausing” could take place numerous times in a conflict conversation.

In addition, if we add the idea that we can use the PLEDGEtalk principles in every conversation throughout the day, we will see even more opportunities to Pause! If we just catch ourselves from interrupting others, if we stop reacting to every idea that we don’t agree with, if we don’t take everything personally – and Pause instead – we might be surprised how often we use that first step of PLEDGE.  When I stop and think about it, I bet I pause a hundred times a day or more!  Not saying that to say how good I am as much as to say how reactive I can be!

Just in case you didn’t get the main point in this post, here it is again:

PAUSE and start the PLEDGEtalk process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

What’s your takeaway – leave a sentence below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

If you are new to PLEDGEtalk, download the Infographic by CLICKING HERE and learn how to quiet the storms in your relationships!

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Supporting Grieving – How do you better help a loved one in mourning?

Further thoughts on Supporting a Loved One in Mourning: Practical Tip and Guidance:

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

What does someone need most when they are grieving? Dr. Alan Wolfelt from the Center For Loss & Life Transition, says they need a companion. In his work, Introduction to Companioning the Bereaved he says the following:

“… the word “companion,” when broken down into its original Latin roots, means “messmate”: com for “with” and pan for “bread.” Someone you would share a meal with, a friend, an equal. I have taken liberties with the noun “companion” and made it into the verb “companioning” because it so well captures the type of counseling relationship I support and advocate. That is the image of companioning—sitting at a table together, being present to one another, sharing, communing, abiding in the fellowship of hospitality.”

I love this.

Com means “with” and pan means “bread.”

When we first moved to Wichita, KS we felt like we were supposed to practically live out what it meant to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We began by deliberately looking for and actually creating reasons to get to know our neighbors.

My wife baked cookies or bread and one by one, we delivered them to each one who lived on our block as we introduced our family and told them we were glad we got to be neighbors. We instigated the Neighborhood Watch program on our street specifically so we’d have an excuse to invite all our neighbors together and introduce them to each other. We looked for opportunities to be neighborly, helping one neighbor dig out an old stump from his front yard, and babysitting the children of another neighbor.  Then along with another couple, we began a neighborhood Supper Club. For years we invited all our neighbors up and down our street and some from around the corner to have a potluck dinner together in our home. We had from 8 to 40 people on any given Wednesday night!

All of us experienced the “com” part (being with) as we “panned” together. We broke bread and had a smorgasbord better than any in town! Significant relationships were established between everyone, and we had numerous opportunities to “companion” each other over time. We laughed together and listened to each other’s stories. We loved on and cried with one person whose brother committed suicide, and with a couple who experienced a miscarriage. We even attended funerals together.

We became like family – because of “companioning.”

What does it mean to be a companion?

Webster’s definition is: “one that keeps company with another.”

Our universal experience might say that a companion is someone who comes over to be “with” us, to enjoy us, to listen to us, to help us, to cry with us, to encourage us, or to go through all or even a portion of life with us.

Here are a few practical thoughts:

  • People everywhere and all around us need a companion. Remember at the core of who we are, we are relational beings.
  • Though everyone needs a companion, you can’t be a companion to everyone.
  • Then who are you to be a companion to?
  • In the immediate sense:  anyone around you at any given time, starting with those closest to you. Does your spouse, your child, your friend, or your workout partner sense you being “with” them? Do you listen well, seek to be of help, cry (feel) with them what they are feeling, encourage them, and cheer them on? Do you help them feel not so alone in this world?
  • In the broader sense: Who comes to mind in your circle of influence who might use a companion especially right now? Look around you. Is someone you know struggling in life? Hurting because of a loss through death, divorce, or distance? Do they sense you care because you are “with” them in this part of their journey?
  • Lastly, you need a companion too! It is often hard to admit – even for me – but we also need others to walk with us and help us in our times of need. Again, look around you in your circles of life. Find one person you would most like to be able to be real with about matters of concern in life. Ask them to do lunch or coffee. Share this post with them, and dare to ask if they might be a “companion” and if you could do the same for them.

To watch this week’s video short CLICK HERE!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

In the comments below, tell me one thing you have experienced with someone who was a “companion” to you in some way or another.

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