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Words Matter – How do your words affect others?

Further Thoughts on: Do Your Words Matter?

Here’s a very simple exercise:

  1. Take five minutes to write down the names of as many people as you can throughout your life, who have spoken to you with encouraging words (and upbeat tones) – supportive, helpful, positive, or life-giving words. Just write their names, one after another until you run out of time or can’t think of anyone else.
  2. Now take five minutes and write down the names of as many people as you can throughout your life who have spoken discouraging words (and/or negative tones) – hurtful, negative, even death words over you. Again, just write their names, one after another until you run out of time or can’t think of anyone else.

Now – let’s make some observations:

First, looking at your lists above, who have you enjoyed being around more throughout your life? This is really a no-brainer. It easily and quickly shows the impact of words!

Second, do a numbers comparison. If you were to redo the above exercise looking at just the people currently in your life who are positive or negative, how do the numbers balance out? Are there more positive people in your life than negative? That is great and certainly helps with one’s own emotional wherewithal.

Are there more negative people than positive? It stands to reason, you would be good to find some more positive people in your life. I have several good friends and some family members I make extra effort to be around because of who they are and the life-giving words and actions they give to others.

It also might be good to examine the relationships you have with the negative people in your life. Some are unavoidable such as family or people you work around. What can you do with these to bring a more positive experience into the relationship?  OR using the principles of TALK, how could you dialogue with them about the experience you and no doubt others have when they are around them – with the hope of bringing growth and greater connection?

Then there may also be those around you who need not be a part of your close circle, if at all. Think of the Proverbs:

  • “Make no friendship with a man given to anger…”  22:24
  • “A gossip goes around telling secrets so don’t hang around chatterers.” 20:19
  • “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.”  I Cor 15:33

Or quotes:

  • “Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than in bad company.” George Washington
  • “Nothing perhaps affects man’s character more than the company he keeps.” J. C. Ryle

THIRD and lastly – how do people view you? This is a tough one. I fear sometimes people see me as too intense. Or too much of a glass-half-empty person. Or one who complains or is easily frustrated. I see these things in myself enough that it causes me to practice smiling more in the mirror (yes I actually practice this sometimes!) It is what often drives me to take time away from the stresses in life so I can breathe more easily, reflect, pray, and meditate on truths from reading the Bible. And I regularly work at and deliberately choose to speak life words over people whenever I am aware and am given the chance to do so. I want to be a giver of life and love to those around me!

How do you react to what I have written above? Leave a one-word or sentence below to let me know!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Falling Out of Love – How do you address it?

Further Thoughts on When You Have Fallen Out of Love!

Feelings come and go.

Feelings are important – but they come and go.

Feelings are like lights on a dashboard – they indicate something is taking place that is important to be aware of.  Are your brights on? A dashboard light should let you know and remind you to turn them off when another car is approaching. Is a red light on in the dash that looks like a little battery? You just might want to stop and check it out soon, like really soon. I have a light that comes on to tell me when a door isn’t shut all the way. Helpful.

Do you feel mad? It is an indicator that something is taking place under “your hood” that would be good to check out. Do you feel glad? Stop a moment to think about why and be thankful. Do you feel anxious or afraid? That would be good to stop and note as well.

Paying attention to our emotions – like paying attention to the lights on our dash – gives us direction and instruction. It’s important, however, to understand what the lights or the emotions are directing us towards – what it is they are trying to tell us. On a recent trip, a light came on the dash of our SUV. I wasn’t remembering what it meant, and began to feel a bit uneasy – so I had Zerrin look it up in our manual. Thankfully, it was just a reminder that my door wasn’t closed all the way – which is another whole story because it really was but the indicator light was incorrect. Something malfunctioning with the switch when the door closes.

The feelings of love or the lack thereof – are also very instructional and give us direction. Sometimes, however, such emotion might indicate something that is inaccurate or not to be trusted – at least in our understanding of it. Let me explain.

A man meets a woman and there is a certain chemistry – an emotional experience indicating some kind of connection is taking place that might be worth checking out. The emotion is instructional and can lead to a direction in the relationship. But what if that chemistry experience takes place between two people where one or both are married? This is not an uncommon experience at all. The emotional experience is a light going off on our dashboard, but if we are not careful we will interpret it incorrectly. It is still giving us instruction and direction but about what?

Rather than interpreting the feelings of chemistry for another woman or man when married as something to pursue, and rather than reading the lack of feeling in love with the man or woman you are now with as a sign to abandon the relationship, take a look instead at what once was and may no longer be apart of your current relationship.  Nearly 100% of the time when I talk with couples struggling in their marriage I find that the amount of time they spend with each other currently is less than 10 or even 5% of the time they spent connecting when they first met. And they wonder where their feelings have gone? This is just one reason of many as to why feelings wane over time.

Betrayals of trust, the consequences of addiction, past trauma in life, and unresolved conflict of course play a huge role in deadening the feelings for another, but so does what we might erroneously assume as little matters. Failing to greet one another enthusiastically, looking at each other when conversing, holding hands, helping each other in various tasks, being kind and respectful, laughing and having fun together, exploring or going on adventures, and learning something new together were all part of what most of us did at the beginning of the relationship.  Each one added to the chemistry!

As I said at the beginning of this post, feelings come and go. It’s important to recognize it is a common experience and that we don’t misinterpret why. We must instead be careful to “read” them accurately so we receive the correct instruction from them and head in a healthy direction as a result. This is exactly what Zerrin and I do whenever we sense a lack of closeness. We stop to take note. We seek what issues past or present might need to be addressed. We talk about what “little matters” need to be reinjected again into our relationship. And in time, the feelings return.

A final word:  the larger the issue, the more likely we need outside help. But understand, addressing the “little matters,” are just as critical. If not taken care of, they will become a big issue over time that drives you apart. I implore you to pay attention to the emotional dashboard lights you might be seeing in your marriage. Address them now. Talk about them. Take healthy action steps between you and consider getting additional help if needed.

Marriage works if we do the needed work on ourselves and the needed work together.

Zerrin and I are 41 years and counting…

Leave your thoughts or questions below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Being Interrupted – How should you react to interruptions?

Further thoughts on What to Do When Someone Keeps Interrupting You!  8/24/23

Recently I was in a conversation which at one point somehow quickly turned into a “hot topic.” My new friend just lit up with loud arm-waving anger! I was really taken aback and immediately found myself withdrawing and doing what I could to lighten the situation. I was completely taken off guard and felt less engaged for the rest of the conversation.

Later I thought: what happened? And why did I respond the way I did? What could I have done differently – or what would I like to do differently the next time something like that happens?

Being interrupted or having someone react strongly to what we have said is at the least very frustrating and at the most very frightening. Looking back, I felt frustrated AND frightened!

So, why DID I respond the way I did?

  • I wasn’t prepared.
  • I was afraid.
  • I didn’t have a plan in the front of my mind!

What COULD I have done differently?

  • I could have done what I teach everyone to do – I could have said to my friend, “Hey can we PAUSE a minute? I am not sure what just happened but let’s just stop a minute to reset our conversation.”
  • I could have re-oriented our entire conversation to PLEDGEtalk.

What WOULD I like to do differently the next time I am interrupted or someone reacts to something I say?

  • Be prepared. Every relational encounter is an opportunity to use PLEDGEtalk. And every conversation has the potential of becoming tense or turning into a conflict. If we keep that in mind from the moment we wake up, to the time we go to bed at night, we will be prepared!
  • Be bold and loving – at the same time. Engaging well in conversations because they matter will require courage AND love. At times we will need to be bold to guide the conversation in a helpful direction, and at ALL times we must keep in mind that first and foremost we are called to love!
  • Remember PLEDGEtalk! It is our GUIDE for all conversations and all conflicts!

If you haven’t watched the video on this yet from this week or read the great thread of thoughts afterward, CLICK HERE!

Leave a one-sentence reaction below to what you read above!!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Good Conflict – What needs to change for conflict to be positive?

Further Thoughts on Two MUSTs for conflict to be good!  8/17/23

“Dad, I’ve made an observation about conflict.”

My son was living in Brazil doing research on his dissertation – and inadvertently doing some research for me too on conflict!

He went on: “You know, everyone in the States seems to have a strong aversion to conflict. They fear if there is a conflict, it marks the end, if not the beginning of the end of the relationship. But here in Brazil, that’s not the case. In fact, it’s almost as if it marks the beginning of a true relationship – because they believe they have gotten to the place where the relationship is strong enough to work through conflict.

VERY INTERESTING PERSPECTIVE!

The question is: how do they – or we – get to that place of having a strong enough relationship where we don’t fear conflict, but see it in a very real way as a positive marker of us being in a good place relationally?

There are countless books written to address the idea in one way or another of how to build a strong relationship. I want to focus on three ideas that are not written about as much as the rest.

First, we have to stop long enough to examine our business in life, our boredom in life, or the burying ourselves in one pursuit or another of life’s promising attractions and ask ourselves why. Why are we so busy? Why are we bored? Why are we always trying out the next new thing? When we stop long enough for a good examination, we experience a growing awareness of hunger and thirst inside our soul – not for literal food or water, but for something more… something else that satisfies us on a deep and lasting level.

What you and I are most hungry and thirsty for, what we long for most in life, is relationship. We must come to recognize this. On some level we all know this to be true – and on another level, we fight this truth because we have all been hurt in relationships, so we push away from the idea that we really need them.

As long as we push away from pursuing deep relationships, or push others away, we won’t experience what we long for most. And instead, we will keep busy – to hide the gnawing hunger inside. We will seek out one attraction or another thinking it will satisfy only to eventually find ourselves again and again in a state of boredom at best or life-draining emptiness because what we’ve pursued didn’t quench the thirst.

We must recognize we were made for relationship – we need relationship. It is the only place ultimate satisfaction is found.

Second, we have to know what a good and strong relationship looks like. I fear for many if not most people today, their list of good role models is short – if it even exists at all. Not only is this terribly sad, but it is a very serious concern for our nation. We are desperately in need of others showing us the way. My suggestion for anyone reading this is to look around you and find some one or two people or couples you would like to emulate. Get with them and ask them if you can deliberately spend more time with them to learn from them. And if you are so fortunate to have a strong healthy understanding of relationships – look around and invite others to spend time with you.

Third, we must work at building strong relationships. This is where having role models is so important. From them, we can learn what good relationships look like, sound like, and even feel like. From them, we will see areas of growth needed in our personal lives and relationships. From them, we can receive wisdom, support, and encouragement in our growth journey. It will take time and focus. Remembering our first point, we must keep in mind there is nothing more satisfying in life and no work more important than that of growing and deepening our relationships. It will require perseverance – a commitment to specific relationships even when, or better said especially when it gets difficult because that is when we stand to learn the most.

Creating strong relationships by keeping the above three ideas in mind PLUS having a proven understanding such as PLEDGEtalk on how to converse well with others are MUSTS if conflict is ever to be experienced as good.

Who knows? We might even get to the point where there Brazilians are – that of welcoming conflict as a sign that our relationship has grown as strong as it has!

What have YOU done to help you grow as a person or grow in your relationships?  Leave a comment below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Embracing Conflict – How do you LEARN from conflict?

Further thoughts on why one business loves conflict!  8/10/23

What is it about conflict that causes most of us to despise it? To avoid it at all costs? To shut it down or the other person down as quickly as possible? Why is it so difficult?

There are at least three reasons:

First, it’s not comfortable even in the simplest of conflicts. At worst, it is terrifying.

Second, our experience with conflict is very poor. We have been misunderstood, hurt, wronged, and even abused.

Third, we don’t know what to do when it happens.

Thankfully, for those of us who know and understand PLEDGEtalk, the above three concerns are largely mitigated. We now know what to do when conflict happens. We can start creating a new history with positive experiences involving conflict. And lastly, though it may still be uncomfortable to a degree, it doesn’t have to create such discomfort that it holds us back from engaging in conflict when it arises.

This week’s video added an additional help to all of us when it comes to conflict. It could become a game-changing paradigm shift* for most of us.  We might call it:  Look, Love, and Learn.

We LOOK for conflict, choose to LOVE, and seek to LEARN what we may from the experience.

One could also say, when conflict arises we LOOK squarely at it (rather than avoid it in some way), and endeavor to LOVE well in the process, even as we seek to LEARN what we may from the experience.

LOOK, LOVE and LEARN.

Keep in mind we could go to the other extreme with this idea by looking under every tone or look or word spoken to see if more is really being said than what first appears. It wouldn’t be long before that kind of LOOKING would not feel very LOVING, and quickly cause conflict in and of itself!

Remember instead, the LOOK, LOVE, and LEARN idea is first a paradigm shift when it comes to our view of conflict. We no longer have to see conflict in such a negative light. It can be a positive and even beneficial experience. Secondarily the LOOK, LOVE, and LEARN ideas become the underlying reasons and motives for engaging in conflict. When we find ourselves in conflict, or it arises somewhere in our view we look towards rather than away. We remind ourselves to love even as we seek to create a learning experience for all when engaging in that conflict.

Thoughts?  Comments? Leave them below – thank you!!

(*Thanks for the term paradigm shift Lois!)

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Fighting FOR Rather than AGAINST Eachother – What can you do?

Further thoughts on fighting FOR each other rather than AGAINST each other!  8/3/23

“What do I do when I am so mad at him (or her)?”

This is a common question I suspect we have all thought about at one time or another. Let’s start answering it by looking at what we typically do…

Your friend or spouse says something that hurts or makes you mad. The first thing that happens for most of us is we react oftentimes immediately out loud. But if we could put everything in slow motion we would more likely see that most of us first react in our heads. Emotions spring up and are accompanied by thoughts like:

  • I can’t believe he said that!
  • Why does she always say things that way?
  • He can be so rude!
  • She is always so disrespectful!
  • They never listen!
  • I hate it when they are like that!
  • Or any of 100 other similar thoughts!!

THEN we either react out loud, roll our eyes and walk away, or shut down. And as we do, we have more emotions and thoughts like:

  • This will never end.
  • I hate my life!
  • I’m done with this.
  • I’m tired of dealing with this.
  • They will never get it.
  • Or any of 100 other similar thoughts again!

The battle is on. The conflict has started.

So what CAN we do when we are so mad at him (or her)?

We must first fight the inward battle if we hope to bring peace to the external relational battle. The inward battle must become the immediate focus. This is what that battle consists of:

  • We need to recognize our internal ambivalence. At one end of the continuum, we want to react and hurt the person who has hurt us (hurt people hurt people) but on the other end, we don’t want to react or hurt them.
  • We choose which ambivalent desire we want to be our focus. (I would suggest focusing on the end of the continuum that you don’t really want to react or be hurtful!)
  • You choose to remind yourself who this person is to you – a friend, a mate, a child, a co-worker, etc – and that you want to do what you can to bring health to the relationship, not further destruction.
  • You further remind yourself this person is not your enemy – it may feel like they are at the moment which is why you are so ready to defend and hurt them back – but they are in fact NOT your enemy.
  • Now, if you are someone who believes in the devil as I do, you can believe HE is your enemy and do battle with him because his goal is to steal joy and peace from people, and even kill and destroy people’s entire lives and relationships!
  • So we say to ourselves: No! I will NOT react back and hurt the other as I have been hurt! I will instead do whatever I can to move the relationship back towards health and life again, rather than death!

If we fight THROUGH the inward battle successfully, we will have the best chance at responding to the external relational battle in a healthy and helpful manner.

  • We then take time – as much time as is needed – to consider what instead would move the relationship towards health and life again, rather than death. We might apologize. Or first ask the other person to tell us more why they are hurt or mad, and then apologize.
  • We must seek to really hear what they want us to hear, and understand what THEY want us to understand – rather than listen to build the case for our defense!
  • Then we show that we did in fact hear them by echoing what we heard them say and validate it by telling them their perspective makes sense or that we can understand how they came to their conclusion.

The outcome is the restoration of peace and greater connection!

RECAP:  when anger arises in a relationship, learn to fight THOUGH your own inner battle until you are ready to speak only words that bring health and life into the relationship and therefore restore peace and connection!

Thoughts? Reactions? Questions?  Leave a comment below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Becoming Better Together – How does it happen?

Further Thoughts on “Better Together:”

When I tell people my wife and I have been married 41 years, I always get two responses. The first is “Whoa – you don’t look that old!”  I always reply with:  “Good answer!  You said the right thing!”  And we both chuckle.  Then they say something about how rare this seems today – and sadly, I tell them that that is my experience as well as I work with the couples in my marriage counseling practice or really, talk with people anywhere.

When Zerrin and I did the video short for this week, we talked about being “Better Together.”

What was going through my mind is this: I have spent 41 years of my life with this woman. There is no way in the world I would want to lose her! We have too much invested in each other, in our marriage, in our family, and in life to let anything come between us!  In actuality, we have been saying that to each other for a long time!

It’s why we:

  • have gone to 14 marriage conferences over the course of time
  • have read over 20 books on marriage
  • written a book about marriage
  • sought counsel for our marriage
  • spent time purposefully with other couples who have been further down the road of marriage than we were at the time
  • pray together daily
  • live missionally in our neighborhood (i.e. seek to love our neighbors together like Jesus said to do)
  • spent literally countless hours talking and working through conflicts
  • work HARD to use all the principles of PLEDGEtalk so we don’t hurt each other with our words but endeavor constantly to create a stronger connection between us
  • and more!

Why?

Because we are BETTER TOGETHER!

I am a better person with her.

She is a better person with me.

WE ARE BETTER TOGETHER!

You are too!  Or you can be if you work at it! Too many people today are calling it quits on relationships far too easily and far too quickly. Relationships are hard. They take work. Marriage is hard. It takes work! But it is so worth it!

If you are reading this in a newsletter or through social media, I SO STRONGLY want to invite you to be a part of growing together with me and others in the PLEDGEtalk Learning Community. You will learn SO MUCH of what you need to improve your marriage, your relationships with your kids, your friends, co-workers, and really everyone,

To join, go to:  Learnpledgetalk.com

WHY DO THIS?

BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE BETTER TOGETHER!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Connecting with Others – Why is it important?

Further thoughts on how to connect!

We were five minutes into a conversation – just five minutes – and I could tell my eyes were watering. I was tearing up. Why? How in such a short amount of time?

LISTENING!

(CLICK HERE for the youtube SHORT!)

I knew it all had to do with listening!

I had been paired up with the trainer in a refresher course on counseling, who had been teaching about how to communicate. One of us was to share something significant that was going on in our life at the time, and the other was simply to listen.

I shared and my partner – the instructor – listened.

She listened WELL.

And I was in tears.

Why?

We all want to know that we matter at the core of who we are. That someone sees us, understands us, and cares. In short, that we are loved.

This is universally true about all mankind.

Some people might try to argue with their words or actions that they don’t want to be loved, but I promise you it’s a front. They have been so hurt in life they won’t allow themselves to even think about it, let alone let anyone else know love is what they want. So they act independent, tough, cool, hard, never letting on that they need anything or anyone. But as I said, it’s a front. It’s not true. It’s a lie they communicate, even to themselves. Keep this in mind – not to call them liars – but to love them anyway. Over time the walls will come down.

Why was I in tears? Because I was experiencing being cared for or loved by someone in the way they were listening to me.

She acted very interested in what I was saying – because she was interested. It wasn’t just practice.

How interested are you really – am I – when someone is talking to us?

Her whole posture signaled to me she was listening. Her eyes, face, and body position all communicated that I mattered, that she cared. And I felt loved.

How often do you – do I – think about how we posture ourselves when someone is speaking? Do we lean in? Ask questions? Look interested? Sit in wonder with what someone might be sharing with us?

Note again the effect – within 5 minutes I had tears in my eyes. How we communicate with others and why changes everything. In this case, it turned a routine practice listening session into an emotionally stirring real-life moment having such an impact that I remember it 10 years later!

When you finish reading this, who will you likely see first?

Go now. Be different in the way you relate to that person. Listen well with your entire being. In doing so, you will give that person a very real taste of love.  And they just might remember it for the rest of their lives!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Slowing Down – How do you start?

Further Thoughts on SLOWING DOWN. 7/13/23

In this week’s video (CLICK HERE), I talked about the importance of SLOWING DOWN in our communication – when we listen…when we respond with our thoughts…when we ask a question.

SLOW DOWN  when we listen.

It is all too easy for anyone of us at any time to…

  • jump to conclusions when someone is speaking;
  • become defensive or reactionary;
  • assume we know what the other person is going to say;
  • interrupt with our own ideas;
  • simply be more interested in what we want to say than what they are saying.
  • So – SLOW DOWN!

SLOW DOWN  when we respond.

We must take time to respond so that we are sure to…

  • listen well to what they want us to hear – not what we want to hear for our defense;
  • learn well – whatever we need to understand to come to an “a – hah” moment.
  • love well with our response to create or deepen connection not lessen it!
  • So – SLOW DOWN!

SLOW DOWN  when we ask a question.

It is most helpful when asking a question that we…

  • do so in an effort to clarify what they are saying;
  • show that we care about THEM and what THEY are attempting to communicate;
  • draw them out by saying things like:  “Tell me more about…”
  • show they matter by allowing them to “keep the mic” while we ask to learn more;
  • become silent after asking a question to give whatever time is needed to answer;
  • work to create a feeling of safety when asking questions and in all communication;
  • So SLOW DOWN!

What is a takeaway for you in one of these areas? Write it in the comment section below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Patience and Conflict – How does it affect your everyday life?

Further thoughts on the need for patience when in conflict!

I have traveled and experienced enough to know that not everyone lives the same as we Americans. One of the big differences is the pace at which we live our lives. During one of our last dinners while in Italy, I was reminded AGAIN of the need for patience.

We were a bit short on time and wanted to explore more of the city of Florence, but needed to grab a bit to eat first. Note the words:  “a bit short on time” and “needed to grab.”

Not a good start.

We ducked into a local cafe and ordered a few dessert items to go, and then decided to eat something more substantial first in their restaurant. We were told to find a seat, and they would bring us our dessert.

We found a nearby table so we could be served fast.  As we settled in, I kept my eye on the waiter, hoping to catch his.

He soon came to our direction, and I was hopeful – until he walked on by without even looking at me.

Huh? What was that about?

I gave him the benefit of the doubt until it happened again and again. THEN I watched as he went over by a buddy, leaned against a counter and chatted a bit.

I felt my irritation rising. What was he doing?

I figured I needed to be a bit more direct so I called out to him the next time he came around and asked if we could get some water. He spoke minimally from a different language of course and shortly came back with two glasses – empty.

I thought: huh? again.

So I went back to waiting, feeling even more fidgety.

By this time I had stories going on in my head… They obviously don’t like foreigners. I must have set him off when I asked for water. He’s really not a very friendly guy. For some reason, he is doing everything he can to avoid me. I don’t think I was that bad to warrant this. What is up with him?

AND THEN…

A very nice young lady came out from the cafe with a glass bottle of cold water, our dessert, and asked what else we would like to eat.

Huh? (yet again!)

I thought the GUY was our waiter!  How did this gal know to bring us everything?

Then I felt like a smuck… Probably none of the stories were true. I had forgotten we were in a different culture, where they do things differently. I was just being impatient. My lack of regard for others and their culture along with my impatience, created a conflict that really didn’t exist – except within me!

I thought… how often does this kind of thing take place in me and really in all of us?

In a very real way, every person I interact with has a culture (think “background”)  that is different than mine. Keeping that in mind and focusing on being patient enables me to push back the “stories in my head” rather than be controlled by them. This along with believing the best in others will go a long way to bring about positive outcomes in our conversations!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

How about you? Do you tend to be patient or impatient in conversations?  Leave a comment below!

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