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Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict?

Hi.

Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It’s a really important question for all of us today! Here’s why:

I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.

So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk – that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?

I had stepped into what I believe most of us do when we first encounter someone who disagrees with us–debate mode. And I was out to win!

There is an irony in DEBATE, that is so often missed. The person stating their case is seeking an audience-whether it is a hundred or one-who will listen intently to them and give thoughtful consideration to what is being said. They are hoping to be heard and seen as right.

I understand and appreciate that. I want to be heard too as was evidenced by my efforts to drive home my points with my wife in the conflict alluded to earlier.

It is also what we are seeing all around us now, whether it is masks and Covid19, Black Lives Matter, De-funding Police, CHOP Zones or Trump vs Biden. It is all about debating one’s point, hoping to be heard and seen as right.

Herein lies the irony. Though debaters expend great amounts of energy and often go to great lengths to get others to listen to them, they expend very little energy or effort to listen to another.

It’s a shame. Or a sham. And it’s what most of us do when in conflict!

Whatever happened to the golden rule?

If you want someone to really listen to and understand you, will you do the same for them?

I wonder what just might happen if the democrats and republicans sat down together to really listen and LEARN from each other. Or if supporters and non-supporters of Black Lives Matter BOTH committed to listening and learning from each other?

Whether on a small scale (my wife and I) or large scale (police and those who created the capital hill autonomous zone), I am convinced we all have much to learn if we just paused long enough to listen – but I mean REALLY listen. To do so, both sides must enter a DIALOGUE rather than a debate, with the firm conviction that both could learn from the other.

As I further reflected on my manner of communication with my wife, I realized just that. I needed to step out of debate mode and enter into dialogue mode. You see when I am in debate mode, what matters most is that I win, regardless of the cost to others. Ouch.

That’s not love. It’s not respectful. That is not how I want to be treated by others, and that’s really not how I want to treat them.

No, winning is not what life and relationships is all about, unless it is winning together. That is the goal of dialogue, and that is the way of PLEDGEtalk!

The next time you find yourself in the debate mode because of a conflict, large or small, I challenge you to join me and pause. Then re-enter the conversation in a dialogue mode so that you both might listen to learn and even win together!

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thanks,

Mark Oelze
Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk

HOME – PLEDGEtalk 2020

Two people arguing their point to the boss

two people arguing their point to the boss

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When Your Children Are Hurting – 7 Actions to Take!

When your children are hurting–at any age–it’s tough. No parent wants to see their children suffer, and yet it happens because we live in a world with a lot of disappointment and brokenness. What can you do as a parent when it happens? Much could be said in response. Here are seven actions to consider:

First, strike a balance between shielding them and sheltering WITH them.

Pain in this world is inevitable. Our children need to learn that life will be hard and disappointing, sometimes profoundly so. At the same time, we want them to learn they don’t have to go it alone. All trauma has a damaging effect on a person. What makes it worse, however, is when they feel alone, when they have no one to cry or talk with about what happened.

If a child is abused, if a child’s parents divorce, if they lose a friend or experience any other kind of loss, the pain is very real. What paves the way for healing is having someone(s) to walk with them through the hurt. As parents, we do our best to shield them, but more importantly, we must be careful to shelter WITH them–we must get into their world to be with them. Let them know they are not alone.

Second, when your children are hurting, help them name what they are feeling.

This can be hard for children and adults. We often act out our feelings rather than name or talk about them. Naming our feelings brings definition to our experience. This then opens the door to understanding ourselves and invites others to as well.

Are your children sad, mad, scared, disappointed, or hurt? Use these words when talking with them and any others that would most accurately define their experience. Doing so will be a further part of their healing experience as we all want to be understood.

Third, once you name their feelings, be sure to validate them.

We have all had questions at times about our feelings or the degree to which we felt them. Are we crazy for feeling what we are feeling? Being too sensitive? Just a wimp? Shouldn’t I be stronger? Are my feelings ok? Will I be shamed for feeling them? When should I be over them? And on and on. What we all want is someone to come alongside to simply validate our experience. We are looking for words like:

  • “it’s Ok.”
  • “We are with you.”
  • “We understand.”
  • “I am mad too.” (or sad, or scared, or hurt, etc.)
  • “I would feel that way if I were you.”

Having someone validate our feelings further alleviates our sense of aloneness, and allows us to move one step closer to healing in that we settle in to our experience rather than fight against it. What has occurred has occurred. There is no way to undo it. We must feel what we feel. This is just as true for us as adults as it is for our children. To the degree we validate our children’s feelings even by talking to them about our feelings, it helps to heal…over time.

Fourth, help guide their thinking.

Often times when painful events or losses occur, one’s thinking can become quite distorted. We had our home broken into a little over a year ago. It took quite some time before my mind was more at peace and my thoughts more normal whenever we would leave the house or go to sleep at night. For children going through a divorce a mom might have to answer questions in their minds like, “If daddy doesn’t want to be with us anymore, will you stop wanting to be with us too?”

Much could be said about distorted thinking. Just know that it happens to us all, adults and children alike. Listening to when your children are hurting and asking what they are thinking gives us the opportunity to help steer their thinking in a healthy direction.

Fifth, when your children are hurting, be patient with the process.

There are many factors that determine how long a child will feel pain from a difficult experience in life and what the long term effects will be. Be careful to not let your pre-conceived ideas be the deciding factor. It will likely be different than whatever you think. It has never helped me when someone said I should stop being angry, or I should be over it by now. That won’t help your children either. Be patient–for as long as it takes, staying focused on each of the above steps, rather than pushing them to “get over it.”

Sixth, keep up with life as best as you can.

Whereas I just said to be patient with the process, we still have to keep up with life. Children still need to get up and go to bed at regular hours, eat, and go to school, help around the house, etc., and have time for fun. Yes, fun. Even in the midst of difficult times, whenever possible, it is good to take breaks from grieving and have some levity. It gives forth an underlying message that though what we have gone through is tough, perhaps REALLY tough, we are not ruined, we are still together, and we will get through this.

One word of caution, however, be careful that you do not assume or indicate to your children, that once laughter occurs or other matters have been attended to, that everyone is over the event. This is seen as a reprieve, not an end to the hurt that has occurred. You will likely experience many times when you go back and forth between feelings expressed needing to be validated and times of reprieve. It is all part of the healing process.

Seventh, seek help from others.

Even when taking all the above action steps, it is always good to consider what outside help is available. This can be family, friends, church, a counselor, etc. We live in an era where we are blessed with so many resources. For followers of Christ, we have the assurance that He is always with us, that He will comfort us, and provide in time of need. Teaching this to our children is another way to help them heal.

Whereas we might be hesitant at times to express need to others, giving way to that hesitation may hinder us from finding some key help in the process. Reach out and seek help!

A final note:

As I wrote the above, I had many scenarios in mind, not the least of which of course is the challenge everyone of us is facing right now with the Corona Virus. This is a world-wide traumatic experience playing out in all kinds of various degrees across our nation and the world. Adults and children alike have been affected.

With my wife and daughter being grade school teachers, we are hearing how many children are sad they can no longer attend school. They didn’t even say good-bye to friends or teachers. In every respect, this is a good time for us all to be practicing everything I have written!

–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk.com

Questions? Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts!

For more tips on how to walk through this life click this link… https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

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5 Musts for your reading on helpful communication this year!

​This year of 2020 I want to make 5 strong suggestions for your reading in communication that will be extremely helpful.

Every one of the following resources have been extremely helpful in growing my skills and understanding of how to love well in the way I communicate to others and resolve conflict. I know they will be for you too!

Think of communication as the hub of a wheel. Everything is connected and dependent upon the hub for the wheel to turn. In the same way, all of your interactions, all of your problem solving, and all of the growth in your relationship is connected to and dependent on your ability to communicate in a healthy and helpful manner.

​Here are the five best resources I recommend for your reading on communication this year:
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​NonViolent Communication​

By Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

“If ‘violent’ means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate could indeed be called ‘violent’ communication.” (On the cover of the book.)

A good friend recommended this to me three years ago. I have underlined, circled, starred more in this book than I have in most. It is chocked full of insights, practical ideas, and direction on how to express one’s needs and hear the needs of others leading the way to real breakthrough in relationships. You will need to read this multiple times to gain all the knowledge between the two covers.

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​Crucial Conversations

By Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler

“Tools for talking when stakes are high.” (from the cover)

I was introduced to this book when I heard one of the authors at a conference. He was speaking my language and my heart. I knew it was a book I had to read. Highly practical direction for what to do and say when a conversation takes a sudden twist and you know that what happens next is “crucial” for how matters turn out. Again – you will find yourself going back to this book often!

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​Never Split The Difference

By Chris Voss

“Negotiating as if your life depended on it.” (front cover)

While listening to a podcast, this author was introduced as the top FBI hostage negotiator in the nation! I thought to myself, I’ll bet this guy knows a thing or two about dealing with conflict! So I bought the book. I wasn’t disappointed. I have put his principles to use and negotiated a great deal on a large screen TV with a worker at Sam’s Club (didn’t know that could even happen.) Then I lost a deal on buying a car and pulled out the book again to see what I missed.

This is a fun read, by a brilliant individual who has had to learn how to communicate successfully with others because indeed his and others’ lives depended upon it. It also helped that a lot of what he wrote coincided with what I have written in my book. I am sure you won’t be disappointed reading this!​
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​The PLEDGE of a Lifetime

By Mark Oelze (my book)

“Her hope for connection, His guide through conflict.” (front cover)

In every conversation and every conflict, there are two components: the content of the dialogue, and the process by which the content is being discussed. What sets my book apart from all others about handling conflict, is that I focus on the process.

Just as there is a recipe to follow to make a good dish, or a plan to execute the next play in football, there is a critical recipe or plan one must follow in order to have a healthy and helpful dialogue over our differences. With no plan, you will fumble the conversation, tackle the wrong subject, and lose the relationship. So read the book, execute the plan, and make every conversation a win-win for everyone!

​BONUS: The Larger Story​

​I have been counseling individuals and couples for over 30 years now – but I am just getting started! 🙂 (Threw that in there rather than what I first wrote about feeling old!)

Who I am today and whatever help I have been to others has been dependent upon many people, but most significantly my parents for all the love, nurture and spiritual direction they gave me, and two men who were my mentors and instructors in my counseling degree. The main instructor was Dr. Larry Crabb and Dr. Dan Allender. It would take hours upon hours to detail how their lives and thinking has shaped mine. I will forever be grateful to them.

The new website, largerstory.com, is a legacy to Dr. Crabb, where you can find all of his works in one location–books, teachings, videos, writings and more. I invite you to bookmark this site, and throughout this year and the years to come, read and learn from the wisest man I know!

​

What books or resources have you read would you put in the category “best ever” for strengthening relationships? Comment below and tell me about them!

Thanks,

​–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk

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Six Actions When Someone Escalates the Situation

When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question – one I think we have all wondered about at times – so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.

Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and doing my best to communicate with friends and family (including all my grown kids) of the seriousness of the situation. One morning my wife, Zerrin, was telling our girls how frustrated she was about the news media and how they were blowing it up all out of proportion. She kept going on and on (in my mind) and my girls were agreeing. All the while, I was feeling increasingly angry because I felt like what she was saying might result in our girls not understanding the seriousness of the matter and then begin doing things that might put them and others more at risk.

At some point, I interrupted Zerrin to try to balance out or even stop the conversation. Then later, after my girls went out for a bit, I told my wife how angry I was and that she was undermining my attempts to help our girls clearly understand the crisis we are facing. She tried stating her thoughts, but I interrupted and pointed out how she was wrong with me and wrong in saying everything she had said to our girls.

THEN…

My wife got quiet, turned away from me, and finished what she was doing in the kitchen.

She had effectively PAUSED…

I can’t quite remember, but I might have said a few more things. And she remained quiet. Her PAUSE button was still on.

I started calming down – realizing she was practicing what I teach. The first step of the PLEDGEtalk process is to Pause when in a conflict. She was doing that well.

I also began experiencing shame – a good shame – which started the process of me evaluating what I had done wrong in the conversation. For example, I reflected on how I voiced my thoughts in a reactionary mode, rather than take the time to first think about what I wanted to say and how to say it best. I interrupted, rather than taking the time to listen to understand her perspective she was trying to tell me at first. And I scorned her for saying all she did to the girls, rather than talk with her about what I was concerned about.

For me, that was the effect of my wife pausing. It was a good thing. I needed time to see my wrong.

So again: what is the best way to handle communication when the other party escalates the situation?  I would say:

  1. Pause. Simply refuse to argue.
  2. Give time and space for the other person to calm down and think about how they were responding and what they might like to say if and when they were in a more emotionally controlled state of being.
  3. You might add at some point in a very quiet, slow, and gentle voice: “I am more than willing to discuss what you are frustrated about when we can do so in a quiet, helpful and healthy manner.” When finished saying this, don’t keep staring at them, simply say it and then turn back to doing what you were doing before. Staring only makes the other feel more pressured or stressed. Turning back to what you were doing, gives the other person time to think about what you just said without feeling pressured to respond.
  4. If you consistently find yourself in the position where another party escalates the situation with you, at some point – again in a very quiet, slow, gentle voice – you might say something like: “________ (name) often when we are in conflict or have an argument it seems as though you get quite upset or heated with me. Can you help me understand why?” OR “Am I doing or saying something or acting in a certain way that is causing you to get so upset with me?”
  5. If the other party does come back to talk in a better manner, or as in case #4 above, if they say you are doing something that causes them to react, then do everything in your power to listen well to what they have to say so that you might learn more about them and know how to better relate in the future.
  6. Finally, never hesitate to get outside help. When in a relationship with someone who consistently escalates the situation, it becomes quite damaging to the relationship.  Fear sets in, ongoing distance occurs between the parties, safety becomes an issue, and the relationship deteriorates. If this describes your situation, you may need to leave and/or get help to save the relationship. Call a wise friend or mentor, your Pastor or Priest, or a counselor to get help.

I hope this gives you some direction the next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone who escalates the situation! 

As always, leave your thoughts or questions below or send them to me! 

–Mark Oelze

Author and creator of PLEDGEtalk: when communication really matters! 

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How Can I Help You With COVID-19?

I have been wanting to write this for about a week now, regarding COVID-19.

On the one hand I have more time being “homebound.” On the other hand, I have not had as much time as I might have thought, because I have been spending a lot more time with family – and that’s a good thing! I hope you have experienced the same!

BUT THEN I WONDER–has it been good for you?

I know that conflict is also more apt to happen when we have more time together. On a walk with Zerrin this morning I had to apologize for two incidents over COVID-19 the last few days when I was short and reactive. I hate it when I am like that. I’m aware when I am mad, that I can be so unkind. I am truly so thankful for my wife and sad when I am like that. I’m also thankful that I can say both Zerrin and I know what to do when we have moments like these. We know how to get back to peace and the enjoyment of being together.

How about you? What has it been like so far with the stay at home orders? And how confidant are you that you know what to do when conflict happens?

My greatest desire is to be of help to you in your relationships – whether it is with a spouse, a child, an extended family member or friend.

So my simple question: how can I be of help?

What one question on communication or conflict resolution could I answer for you in a future email or blog post that would hold the greatest potential to improve your relationship(s) – particularly when we are spending so much more time together?

I look forward to hearing your answer!

Warmly,

Mark Oelze

ps…And by the way, I did a short two-minute video on our PLEDGEtalk Facebook page this week about perspectives. You might find it helpful. And if you do, would you share it with others? Thanks!

pss…don’t forget to email me your one question!

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A positive to the Corona Virus?

No doubt you like me, are hearing from every available news source about the effect the Corona Virus is having throughout the world, and the United States. Fear about the virus and the effects on our lives, jobs, and the overall economy continues to grow.

Schools and Universities have all gone online. Sports are suspended. Parades, political rallies and events of all kinds have been canceled. It’s the fear of gathering in crowds, and how it could spread the virus. These are just a few of the many ways in which this is affecting our country.

Then we were simply all told to stay home for a while!

Might I suggest some positive in the midst of all this?

In our all too busy world, “being” has been replaced by “doing.” Families are so busy running children from one event to another, there is no time for mom and dad to connect with each other or their kids. The noise we are offered from TV and movies and video games and music and podcasts and smartphones and social media and more, hinders us all from sitting still and quietly with someone to converse about life, to listen, and even enjoy their presence. I am afraid for many, they would not even know how to do this anymore.

What if in the midst of the corona virus, we came to realize on a much deeper level that what matters most in life is people, relationships and the gift of life?

For those of us who live with others, “having to stay at home” might just mean that we would have the opportunity to connect more with our spouse or our kids or a roommate or friend.

For those who live alone, it may be a good opportunity to reach out to someone and acknowledge any needs you may have. That can be hard, but it is part of what makes us human – we need others.

And a final word to all of us who do not live alone – may we be stirred to look around us and seek to meet the needs of anyone we know who is alone. It is following what Jesus once said: “love your neighbor as yourself.”

So my simple advice:

1. Keep up with the toilet paper :), prescription drugs, and food.

2. Maybe get more to share with a neighbor or family member who is alone.

3. Then spend time enjoying and rebuilding those relationships that matter most to you!

4. And for those of you who pray, please do! Pray for wisdom for our leaders. Pray for a growing understanding to fall on our nation of what is truly important in life, and most important – to know God Himself.

–Mark Oelze

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Hot Topics–What You Can Do When They Come Up

Zerrin and I had a great conversation with our son Micah recently that involved some hot topics. He lives in Miami and teaches History at Florida International University. Micah was telling us about some hot topics he has with his students. BUT AS WE TALKED, OUR CONVERSATION MORPHED INTO SOME HOT TOPICS BETWEEN US AND HIM! They were areas where we differ politically. Whew! Thankfully, the more we talked, the more we saw how we weren’t so different after all in our primary concerns.

I mentioned to Micah how I appreciated the conversation, and THEN he said this: “Dad, there are more talks like this that would be good for us to have, but we will only be able to do it to the degree we are willing to use the 6th step of the PLEDGEtalk process, that of Engage. Only when we are willing to Engage in conversation in areas that could potentially cause conflict will we be able to have more good conversations like this.”

Great point!

I had to agree.

I spend most of my time and writing detailing how to follow a healthy path to process conflict. We must learn how to do so, or our relationships will crumble.

Then there are whole different levels of conversation–hot topics–to be had that we avoid altogether because they might cause conflict.

Sadly, by choosing not to enter into discussions on hot topics we miss significant learning opportunities. A corollary thought certainly would be, if we don’t follow a healthy path to guide us through the hot topic discussions, we also miss learning from each other. In our family–on the surface at least–we have differing viewpoints in politics, in our spiritual life, and how we live life in general. The more we listen and understand each other, however, the more we are learning from each other and the closer relationally we are becoming.

We must be willing to engage in all conversations learning whatever it takes to do so in a healthy manner. (Tweet this!)Click To Tweet

Healthy and helpful conversations require that we engage the entire PLEDGEtalk process to talk through areas where we differ.

We have to PAUSE–and do so repeatedly. Again, and again, and again. Why? Because it is difficult for any one of us to keep from reacting to what others might say. We must discipline ourselves to keep our emotions in check and remind ourselves of the greater purposes of our conversation. Then too, it is imperative that we LISTEN to really understand. All too often we are guilty of listening just long enough to build up our defense before we jump in! This is rarely productive but only intensifies the conflict. Instead, we must focus on staying in the listening mode. Often it includes asking for further information by saying something as simple as “can you tell me more about…”  After listening, it is helpful to ECHO back what the other party has spoken to make sure we heard correctly. This is followed by some kind of validating remark such as “I can see why you think that” which DISARMS the tension between us. And finally, each person or group must have the opportunity to GIVE their perspective while the other takes their turn at Pausing, Listening, Echoing, and Disarming.

At the end of our conversation with Micah, both Zerrin and I agreed we would choose to ENGAGE even in the most difficult topics as a family, the hot topics–while using, of course, all the principles of PLEDGEtalk. It is not easy–but I am confident that to the degree we do, we will have amazing conversations.

I believe you can too! Keep working at PLEDGEtalk!!!!

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STOP with me for just a moment to wonder…

In the last lines of the last verse of one of the most common Christmas songs, Joy To The World, we sing this repeated phrase: “… and wonders of his love, and wonders of his love, and wo-onders, wo-onders of His love.”  Can you hear it?

…AND WONDERS OF HIS LOVE.

Most often I would imagine, we think of the wonders of his love being shown in that Jesus sacrificed His life for us on the cross. Indeed, that kind of sacrificial love should cause us all to wonder every day of our lives! As we near the celebration of Christmas, however, we think of the love He has shown by coming to live in our world, in the flesh. Every other god is a distant god…a god that does not come close, but in fact, requires it’s worshippers to achieve all they can to somehow work their way close. But the God of the Bible came close to us.

Now THAT is something to wonder about!

God came so close that He:

  • lived in a womb for nine months. Wonder.
  • experienced every aspect of life from birth until he died at 33. Wonder!
  • learned everything from how to eat, walk, and talk to raising up a group of men who would change the world. Wonder again!!
  • loved and was loved by family, friends, and complete strangers. Wonder.
  • touched a man with leprosy when everyone else sought to chase the leper away. Wonder!
  • welcomed tax collectors, prostitutes, and all other sinners. Wonder!!
  • on the night of His betrayal, spoke to His betrayer calling him “friend.” Wonder again!!!

God came close, so very close.

Fear did not hold Him back; love propelled Him forward.

Over the next few days, you may have the opportunity to be close to people you love. On the other hand, you may have the challenge of being close to people you don’t even enjoy. And there are others of you who can only wish for that experience of closeness once again.

Whatever your case may be, I still invite you to wonder.

God came close to us, so that we might know the experience of being close to Him and shown how to be close to others.

The prayer I have for my self and each of you this coming year, is:

– that we might come to know and experience His closeness at least a bit if not a lot more, than we do today. Be patient, however, with the process. Relationships take time. In the first stanza of the song I mentioned earlier in this post, Joy To The World, one of the lines you will remember is:  “…let every heart, prepare Him room.” That’s what you and I must do more of this coming year–prepare more room for Him in our busy lives and restless hearts. And when we do, the closeness we may feel might just cause us all the more to experience the “wonders of His love!”

 

Merry Christmas from all of us at PLEDGEtalk!

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The Power of Pause – A Guest Post

Copyright: fotogestoeber / 123RF Stock Photo

 

 

PAUSE! (A GUEST POST BY Chris Greenlee:)

When I was first introduced to PLEDGEtalk, the first step: pause – immediately impacted my life because I began to pause before I spoke. Now, for those like me – who like to talk – you might relate to my view. For those that already pause before you speak (I commend you) – allow me to explain: it isn’t that I want to dominate conversations, because I love listening as well; but rather, I like to talk because I think what I choose to share is valuable and will be appreciated.

(Listen to Chris share this post, then discuss with Mark how learning to pause has changed Chris’s life!)

 

Since I began intentionally pausing before I speak, I have noticed that the person I am listening to isn’t always finished speaking when I am ready to begin speaking myself. I have realized that sometimes people like to pause in the middle of their stories. Sometimes they pause to gather their thoughts, while other times they pause just to catch a breath.

When I choose to PAUSE instead of cut in with my input, it allows the other person to finish their point.

Let me illustrate this with an all-too-familiar scenario: pretend I am listening to you tell a story. Your story has 3 main points to it and then your final conclusion. If, after you finish making your first point, you take a short pause to catch your breath and/or gather your thoughts, I jump in and pivot from your first point (either agreeing or disagreeing with it) and then steer the conversation into a different topic – would you be satisfied with our conversation if you never got to finish your story? Now, what if I allowed you to catch your breath, waited patiently while you gathered your thoughts, listened intently to your final conclusion, and then responded – would you be more satisfied with our conversation?

Unfortunately, I had to admit that I was “hi-jacking” conversations in order to share MY thoughts and in the process I have missed out on a better understanding of those around me by not showing them the respect they deserve by truly listening to them.

The power of PAUSE has recently appeared in my life in a new situation as well.

I recently had my first child, and for those of you that have not experienced parenthood – sometimes a baby cries and it is difficult to figure out how to soothe the child. That may sound simple, but in reality, when another human being is screaming in your ear for an extended period of time it can test our patience and drive us to our mental, emotional, and physical limits. Incidentally, as my newborn son was screaming in my ear for an extended period of time, I recalled the other purpose of PAUSE – to take a break and think about the other person: What kind of relationship do I want to have with them? How much do they mean to me? What do they really need right now? How can I truly love them?

Since I have begun the habit of asking my wife for a short break from failing to console my child, I have been able to shift my perspective to his needs and realized that he isn’t mad at me; he just has needs that are difficult for him to communicate. This has given me the break I needed and allowed me to come back to him “on his side” as I approach him with more empathy and true love. Just realizing that he isn’t yelling AT me – but is yelling FOR me to help him – has changed everything and made parenting much more enjoyable.

Every conversation in my life has been improved and I am a better father to my newborn son: that is the power of PAUSE!

I hope that my words encourage you to use the power of pausing in your relationships and that it serves you as well as it has served me!

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Thank you to Chris Greenlee–an entrepreneur in Wichita, Kansas, and expert in training people in the skills of optimizing their time. I (Mark) have greatly benefited from Chris and his training and coaching! I would go so far as saying it is changing my life! If you are interested in working with Chris, you can reach him at:  christoddgreenlee@gmail.com)

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We are on a mission to improve relationships and create peace–one conversation at a time!

How has PAUSING helped you in your conversations? Leave a comment or example below. OR leave a comment to thank Chris for him sharing his experience with us! And if you would like to write a guest blog and be on my blogcast, email me at:  mark@pledgetalk.com

 

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Friendship: Learn this Key and Experience Its Power!

Copyright: stockbroker / 123RF Stock Photo

We all need a friendship or want one. Someone might object and say that is not true for them–they are fine on their own. But that’s not really true. We were made for relationship. It is part of our DNA. When you or I deny this, it is only because we have been hurt by one or more who have claimed to be our friend. We don’t want to be hurt again, so we lie to ourselves in order to silence the inner cry for relationship. Sadly, it leads to a life of loneliness, boredom, and bitterness. We were never meant to be alone. The greatest joys in life are experienced in relationships with others.

So what about that friendship? How do you go about creating one, or making the ones you have even better? And what is the power in a true friendship?

You have to know a KEY!  It is found in an ancient Proverb!

Zerrin and I have three children. Along the way, we’ve been very blessed to have others call us Mom and Dad as well. As our kids approached school age, we taught them a KEY to a great friendship. It is found in an ancient proverb–a wise saying. It says: “He who wants friends must make himself friendly.” We taught them the same proverb again when they went to middle school, high school, and college. Each of our children practiced the proverb well and have wonderful friends to this day wherever they go. And one day I have no doubts, they will be married to a best friend!

Those who want a friendship must make themselves friendly.

The obvious question is: how do you make yourself friendly?

There are many ways, of course, such as encouraging someone, standing up for them, giving them something of value, or going out of your way to help them. No real surprise here–we have heard this before.

I want to talk about a more specific way that involves the way we relate to them. Our daughter is working on a massive project, a curriculum that she hopes one day will be adopted by schools to lead children into the experiential knowledge of how to make and keep friends. She calls it The PLEDGE of Friendship. She is taking the principles of PLEDGEtalk and applying them to building friendships!

Think of how this might work for you.

First, remember the principles of PLEDGEtalk:

  • Pause
  • Listen
  • Echo
  • Disarm/Declare
  • Give
  • Engage

Intentionally apply PLEDGEtalk to your friendships.

Now imagine you are with a person with whom you would like to build a friendship. Here is how:

PAUSE: might I suggest you think more–a LOT more–about the principle of pause? To become a good friend, it is critical that you pause before you speak. Pause to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it!

Another Proverb (18:21 KJV) says: “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue!” Everything you and I say has the power to tear someone down or lift them up; bring them low as to the grave, or raise them up as to bring them life.

I have been shamed, called names, yelled at, and poked fun at. No doubt you have too. I am thankful I can also say I have been deeply encouraged, shown great care and love, and felt strongly supported by the words of others. Death and life–in the power of the tongue.

No doubt also, you and I have experienced times when words came out of our mouths and we wished we could have a do-over! I look back and shudder at comments I have made in the past towards my wife and others. Our words can bring great pain and sorrow to our relationships.

Each of us would do well to practice PAUSING a lot more than we do in our conversations. Mastering this principle alone would go a long way towards creating or improving a friendship!

LISTEN: listen to really understand that person you are hoping to befriend or with whom you want to develop a deeper friendship! There are realities being experienced in their life or world that they want to share with someone. Be that someone!!! And you will make a friend!

ECHO: when you are able to echo back what someone has said, it shows that person how much you care because of how well you listened! It will deepen the friendship.

DECLARE: when someone shares their thoughts or ideas, declare in some way that you appreciate what they said, or see value in their point of view. Thank them for sharing. I have a friend who does this with me regularly. Each time I experience his genuine care for me and our friendship is strengthened.

GIVE: your thoughts when invited OR ask to give your thoughts. Consider how this might better a conversation. Rather than each party jumping in with whatever they have to say whenever they want, mutual respect is demonstrated throughout a conversation as time is given for each one to speak. I wrote more about the power of this here.

ENGAGE: make each of the PLEDGEtalk steps a daily part of how you engage with others and in so doing you will be “making yourself friendly.”

Use PLEDGEtalk to make yourself friendly and experience its POWER:

John Gottman, nationally renowned therapist and researcher on successful marriages, in his New York Times best-selling book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work says he has found that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”

Beautiful.

In her article, Beyond the Classroom: The importance of friendship for success in school, Laurie Futterman says:  “Children are not born with social skills. Parents need to help prepare them to interact successfully with peers.”

Yes of course! Why not start by teaching your children PLEDGEtalk?

Jane Collingwood, in her blog post, The Importance of Friendship, references Tom Rath, Gallup Organization’s director, and Time Magazine saying: “Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee.”

Totally makes sense! Having good friends at a job has always improved my work!

Practice the PLEDGE of Friendship every day to improve your marriage, have better relationships with children, and enjoy going to work!

Remember:  “He or she who wants friends must make themselves friendly.”

As you finish reading this, will you “make yourself friendly” to me by doing one or the other of these?

  1. Share with me whom will you implement the PLEDGE of friendship?  Leave me a comment below. It will be encouraging to me and build our friendship!!
  2. Share this with one person today!

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