Our plane from LaGuardia left 90 minutes late, and it looked like we were going to miss our connecting flight in Dallas to take us back to Wichita. Indeed, when we landed in Dallas, we had 15 minutes to get to our next gate. We sprinted at least 1/2 mile through the airport only to find a sign at our gate telling us the boarding had been completed.

​I was out of breath, in disbelief, and could feel anger growing inside of me. I didn’t know what to do. No one was around to ask for help. We were stuck. I didn’t know what to do. We had never missed a flight before. It was late. We needed to get back to Wichita. Zerrin had school to teach the next day. I had clients to see. But the plane was gone!

​Fortunately, that wasn’t the end of the story. We actually did get home that night. It turns out we were off on our time with setting clocks back over the weekend and criss-crossing time zones from Wichita to New York and back again.

​When we realized what had happened and heard our plane home had actually been changed to another gate, feelings of frustration over our mistake were now added to my overwhelm and shame, too.

​I was shut down.

​I was glad in this case, my negative emotions weren’t towards my wife (though other times they are.) Still, it created distance between us.

​It took the next couple of hours, a late night’s sleep, and some time in the morning with an open Bible for me to finally process my anger, my frustration, and my shame. I was thankful to be able to pull up out of my personal nose-dive and land safely on my feet once again, ready to start my day in a better frame of mind.

​But then…

Over the next 24 hours, we found out that a one-year-old niece of mine had been attacked by a dog, a friend’s financial security was severely threatened, another friend shared about a sister dying, and I was back counseling with couples whose marriages were falling apart!

​Whew!

​I thought to myself, “How many people know what to do when life dishes them a lemon?”

​I know, I know the saying – you turn it into lemonade. But how exactly do we do that?

​The complete answer is too long for a simple email or blog such as this. But it starts with the idea once again of PAUSING – the first step of PLEDGE. We must take time to quiet our souls, reflect, and listen to the whisper of God leading us to truth. For me, that also meant sitting down for a bit with my Bible in hand. It claims to offer direction and help in life. It did just that for me! I “heard” the quiet voice of God, which enabled me to understand my emotions, and I got back on track.

​I want you to be able to do the same!

I will be sharing more in the next several weeks about a project we have been working on behind the scenes that we are pretty excited about. It’s for those of you who want more. You have followed me long enough to know there is real value in PLEDGEtalk and the related materials we have shared, but you have questions. You’ve gotten stuck. You need some kind of hands-on help.

​It’s coming.

​Watch for more!

​Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

The post Missed Flight – Rising Emotions and the Need to Pause! appeared first on PLEDGEtalk.

I was preparing a post for this week when I happened upon the following post on Facebook. I wanted to share it with you as I thought of how each of us is seeking to love well in the way we communicate. It’s about giving someone time to speak – as much time as needed – while you notice them and listen. This is a gift so rarely offered, and yet so powerful when it is. Read the following and take some time to reflect on how well you listen to others!

Taylor Sophie/NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC

A Facebook post… September 29, 2025

I know the exact pressure it takes to crack a rib during CPR. But last Tuesday, I learned a patient’s silence can break a doctor’s soul

His name was David Chen, but on my screen, he was “Male, 82, Congestive Heart Failure, Room 402.” I spent seven minutes with him that morning. Seven minutes to check his vitals, listen to the fluid in his lungs, adjust his diuretics, and type 24 required data points into his Electronic Health Record. He tried to tell me something, gesturing toward a faded photo on his nightstand. I nodded, said “we’ll talk later,” and moved on. There was no billing code for “talk later.

“Mr. Chen died that afternoon. As a nurse quietly cleared his belongings, she handed me the photo. It was him as a young man, beaming, his arm around a woman, standing before a small grocery store with “CHEN’S MARKET” painted on the window.

​The realization hit me like a physical blow. I knew his ejection fraction and his creatinine levels. I knew his insurance provider and his allergy to penicillin. But I didn’t know his wife’s name or that he had built a life from nothing with his own two hands. I hadn’t treated David Chen. I had managed the decline of a failing organ system. And in the sterile efficiency of it all, I had lost a piece of myself.

The next day, I bought a small, black Moleskine notebook. It felt like an act of rebellion.

My first patient was Eleanor Gable, a frail woman lost in a sea of white bedsheets, diagnosed with pneumonia. I did my exam, updated her chart, and just as I was about to leave, I paused. I turned back from the door.

“Mrs. Gable,” I said, my voice feeling strange. “Tell me one thing about yourself that’s not in this file.

“Her tired eyes widened in surprise. A faint smile touched her lips. “I was a second-grade teacher,” she whispered. “The best sound in the world… is the silence that comes just after a child finally reads a sentence on their own.

“I wrote it down in my notebook. Eleanor Gable: Taught children how to read.

I kept doing it. My little black book began to fill with ghosts of lives lived.

Frank Miller: Drove a yellow cab in New York for 40 years.

Maria Flores: Her mole recipe won the state fair in Texas, three years running.

Sam Jones: Proposed to his wife on the Kiss Cam at a Dodgers game.

Something began to change. The burnout, that heavy, gray cloak I’d been wearing for years, started to feel a little lighter. Before entering a room, I’d glance at my notebook. I wasn’t walking in to see the “acute pancreatitis in 207.” I was walking in to see Frank, who probably had a million stories about the city. My patients felt it too. They’d sit up a little straighter. A light would flicker back in their eyes. They felt seen.

The real test came with Leo. He was 22, angry, and refusing dialysis for a condition he’d brought on himself. He was a “difficult patient,” a label that in hospital-speak means “we’ve given up.” The team was frustrated.

I walked into his room and sat down, leaving my tablet outside. We sat in silence for a full minute. I didn’t look at his monitors. I looked at the intricate drawings covering his arms.

“Who’s your artist?” I asked.

He scoffed. “Did ’em myself.”

“They’re good,” I said. “This one… it looks like a blueprint.”For the first time, his gaze lost its hard edge.

“Wanted to be an architect,” he muttered, “before… all this.

“We talked for twenty minutes about buildings, about lines, about creating something permanent. We didn’t mention his kidneys once. When I stood up to leave, he said, so quietly I almost missed it, “Okay. We can try the dialysis tomorrow.

“Later that night, I opened my Moleskine. I wrote: Leo Vance: Designs cities on paper.

The system I work in is designed to document disease with thousands of data points. It logs every cough, every pill, every lab value. It tells the story of how a body breaks down.

My little black book tells a different story. It tells the story of why a life mattered.

We are taught to practice medicine with data, but we heal with humanity. And in a world drowning in information, a single sentence that says, “I see you,” isn’t just a kind gesture​

It’s the most powerful medicine we have.

______________________________

Make time to notice and listen to someone you love this weekend, and then again, to even a stranger. You will never know the difference you might make in their life!

Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

​

*Article taken from Taylor Sophie/National Geographic on Facebook. CLICK HERE for the exact link.

The post The World’s Most Powerful Medicine appeared first on PLEDGEtalk.

Is One Better Than the Other?

Simply put, it depends on your purpose.

Think of a continuum from 1 to 10. On the end with the “1” is Dialogue. On the other end, with the “10”, is Debate. We all fall somewhere along that line when we disagree and try to make a point. Most of us shift positions on that continuum depending on the conversation. Neither form of communication is inherently wrong; they are just different.

​Where We Naturally Land

Most of my time in communication is spent on the dialogue end—probably between a 2 and 4. Charlie Kirk, by contrast, was primarily a debater. I would rate him as moving between 6 and 9 on the continuum most of the time.

In my profession, I’ve sought to help couples communicate so both sides feel fully heard and understood, with the hope of resolving conflict and creating deeper connection. The majority of couples come to my office in “debate” mode, trying not only to make their case but also to convince me they are right and the other is wrong. Needless to say, this never goes well – and I never use the word ‘never!’ 🥴 I coach them to shift into healthy dialogue instead. That’s what PLEDGEtalk is built on—a constructive method of dialogue.

​Dialogue vs. Debate in Effectiveness

In one-to-one conversations, my experience is that dialogue is more effective than debate. By effective, I mean it increases the chances that both sides will be heard and understood, and it fosters connection—even when full agreement isn’t reached.

Debate, on the other hand, often seeks to win an argument not only with the other person but with an audience listening in. Charlie excelled at this. He brought convictions about truth, country, marriage and family, and faith in Jesus Christ into the public square with passion and impacted thousands—millions, in fact—who were listening.

​The Guiding Principle: Love

Ultimately, what guides whether we lean toward dialogue or debate should be our call to love.

But when it comes to communication, what does love look like?

Love in Dialogue

In dialogue, the one who loves seeks first not to be understood, but to understand. Listening isn’t the only component of healthy dialogue, but it’s far more important than many realize. To love well is to enter another’s world, hear their story, walk alongside them, and connect.

Jesus modeled this perfectly. He left heaven to enter our broken world, experiencing life from conception in a womb to death in a tomb.

Love in Debate

In debate, love can be harder to see—but it is present when the intent is to speak truth for the other’s good. Love here is less about listening and more about declaring truth. Charlie Kirk embodied this. And again, Jesus is the ultimate example.

During the final years of His ministry, Jesus frequently taught and debated truth. He did this not to win arguments, but because He knew the brokenness in people’s hearts and where it would lead if uncorrected. Out of love, He spoke truth plainly, pointing out error and offering the way to fullness of life.

​None of Us Does It Perfectly

Did Charlie always debate perfectly? No. There were times I wished he would have moved closer to the dialogue side.

Have I always loved perfectly in dialogue? No. There are times I wish I would take courage and move more towards the debate side of the continuum, speaking the truth more boldly.

We are all still in process, hopefully all seeking to love well in the way we communicate. That’s the bottom line of my passion for teaching PLEDGEtalk!

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I welcome any and all thoughts!

Mark Oelze​
Author / Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

The post Dialogue or Debate? appeared first on PLEDGEtalk.

When was the last time you truly experienced kindness? And what effect did it have on you?

I experience being “kinded” (my word for the experience of someone being kind to me) regularly through my wife. Just last night, she listened with genuine understanding—even when it meant her admitting some fault in a conflict we had.

She “kinded” me again when she offered to get me water, helped with a task without a single complaint, and came alongside me to support my endeavors. She kinds me every day when she…

• looks at me when I speak

• doesn’t interrupt

• smiles when she sees me

• teams with me in the work of our home, inside and out

• leaves post-it notes of thanks or encouragement

• prays with me and for me

• listens to my endless new thoughts about life

• affirms my work and my worth

• …and more

What’s the effect? I am drawn to her. I feel safe with her. My love deepens, and I want to return the gift by showing kindness to her in the same ways.

How about you? Do you intentionally practice kindness? We all long for it and appreciate it when others extend it. Kindness sits at the very core of the PLEDGEtalk way of communicating—even outside of conflict. To pause and give others time to share what’s on their mind is kind. To listen well, to echo back, and to validate someone’s thoughts, ideas, or concerns is an act of kindness.

Today, practice kindness—with your spouse, your child, a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger you cross paths with. Notice the effect. You’ll brighten their day—and you’ll brighten your own in the process.

—
Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

The post Are You Kind? appeared first on PLEDGEtalk.

I threw my phone the other day. I don’t like to admit it, but I did. Thankfully, I threw it into the couch, so I still have my phone—but yes, I threw it. Irrrrr!

I’m also thankful no one else was around. Not because I’m embarrassed (I am sharing it here after all), but because my outburst could have made others feel afraid or unsafe.

This raises the bigger question: Is it ever OK to vent our emotions in front of others? And if so, how do we know when?

Anger as Protection

When a dad raises his voice at his son because the boy is ignoring his Father’s concerns and about to do something unsafe, is that OK? Likely yes. The motivation in this case is love and protection.

Frustration as Venting

When a wife tells her husband how fed up she is with his late hours, is that OK? Likely no. If the motivation is simply to “vent,” to “tell it like it is,” or to “be honest,” then the focus is more about self-relief than love. Often, it risks hurting rather than helping.

Silence as Escape—or Love

When a husband walks off without talking to his wife, is that OK? It depends.

• Yes—if it’s a conscious Pause to avoid saying something harmful, especially if he communicates: “I need to Pause and go on a walk.”
• No—if it’s dismissive, meant to escape “the noise,” or driven by self-protection. In that case, the motivation is not love for his wife, but concern for himself.

The Common Thread: Motivation

Are you catching the common element here? The key is motivation.

We are called—by God, and by Love itself—to interact with others in ways that build safety and connection, not fear or distance.

Questions to Ask Before Speaking

• Am I pausing long enough to examine my motives?
• Am I aware of how my words might affect the other person?
• Will this expression further relational connection?
• If Jesus is part of my life, have I prayed for wisdom, timing, words, and love?

If you can answer yes to all of these, then proceed—but with caution. Circumstances can shift quickly: defensiveness can rise, timing can be interrupted, emotions can escalate. In those moments, it’s often wiser to ​Pause again—90 seconds or more​—before continuing. Pushing forward rarely produces a good outcome.

Final Thought

There’s much to consider when deciding whether or not to express emotions to another. Reflect on the above, practice, and feel free to reply with your questions—I may address them in a future post.

That’s all for now,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

– Why I want to vent –

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Ever had a conversation with your spouse (or anyone close to you) that went south fast?
One minute you’re talking, the next your blood pressure’s climbing, and words are flying that you wish you could take back.

Here’s a simple, science-backed tool that can stop that downward spiral: Pause. Name it. Tame it.

Step 1: Pause for 90 Seconds

In my last post, HERE, I shared how hitting the “pause button” for just 90 seconds when you feel a strong emotion gives your body time to cool off. Those 90 seconds allow the adrenaline surge to fade so your brain can think clearly again.

Think of it as a reset button for your mind.

Step 2: Name What You Feel

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, coined the phrase “name it to tame it.” His research shows that labeling your emotions—whether you’re a child or an adult—can actually calm the brain’s fight-or-flight response.

When you name your emotion, you begin to tame it.
It’s not magic—it’s neuroscience.

Why Naming Works

When you name your emotion, you start understanding it.
That understanding begins to strip away its power over you.

Example:​
​Your spouse interrupts you mid-sentence. You feel your shoulders tense. You blurt something sharp that you regret. You’re left wondering, Why did I react like that?

Later, you replay the moment. You realize they spoke out of turn. They didn’t let you finish. They assumed they knew your point and cut you off, saying you were wrong. What were you feeling?
Maybe it was irritation. Or frustration. Or just plain anger.
By giving it a name, you connect the dots between what happened and how you reacted.

The Marriage Superpower

This “naming” habit gives you the power to:

• Understand why you’re feeling what you feel, and respond the way you do.
• Reduce emotional overwhelm.
• Choose a better response next time.

The result? Less regret. More connection.

Weekend Challenge:

Next time emotions run high:

1. Pause & breathe – Give yourself those 90 seconds.
2. Name it – Choose the word that best describes your emotion(s).
3. And if you choose, share it – Tell your spouse or friend, “I’m feeling frustrated,” instead of launching into attack mode.

The more you practice, the easier it gets—and the calmer your conversations will become.

💡 Remember: Strong marriages aren’t built by avoiding emotion. They’re built by handling emotion well!​

To help, I am including a diagram that lists the names of various emotions you might feel:

Name Your Feelings, Lead Your Life!

In my next posts, we will further discuss a course of action for what to do after we feel and name our emotions.

That’s all for now!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

The post Name Your Feelings, Lead Your Life! appeared first on PLEDGEtalk.

Author Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg, in her book 90 Seconds to a Life You Love, offers an insight that beautifully reinforces the first step of the PLEDGEtalk process—PAUSING when we find ourselves in conflict.

Drawing from more than 30 years of clinical practice as a psychologist, Dr. Rosenberg explains that “emotions are biological events that last roughly 90 seconds and register first as bodily sensations.” The key, she says, is not to suppress or avoid these feelings but to consciously “lean into them.” That means first allowing the emotion and labeling it, then staying present with the sensation for the full duration, trusting it will dissipate. This process, she concludes, builds “emotional strength, resilience, self-confidence, and authenticity.”

Whew! There is so much I could comment on—too much for one post—but let me highlight what I believe is most important.

I have said from the beginning that PAUSING when we find ourselves in a conflict is not the same as ignoring or suppressing what we feel. If we do that, those emotions will find another way to come out—often at a worse time and in a more damaging way. Pausing, instead, is a firm decision to stop any further harm in the conversation. I believe that is an act of love.

Now, I understand that some will see it as avoidance rooted in a fear of conflict. Fair enough—sometimes that’s true. But can it not also be both? Yes, pausing may stem from fear, but it can also be motivated by love—love for the relationship and love for the other person’s well-being.

I often tell the spouse who complains that their husband or wife “won’t share their feelings” to be grateful when that restraint keeps them from unloading in anger. Right?

Of course, that’s not the end of the work. We must also learn to label our emotions, discover the reasons behind them, and decide how to respond constructively. That’s a conversation for another day.

​For now, when emotions rise and you feel the urge to react—can you hold it for 90 seconds? When you want to interrupt—can you choose silence for 90 seconds? When every fiber in you wants to “tell it like it is”—can you wait just 90 seconds? Those moments allow the physiological wave to crest and fade, bringing the rational part of your brain back online so you can think clearly and choose wisely.

And for those who follow Jesus, those 90 seconds can also be a sacred pause—a moment to pray before you speak. Not a bad idea! 😊

As Dr. Rosenberg points out, this practice doesn’t just keep you from reacting in ways you’ll regret. It strengthens your self-control, builds confidence that your emotions don’t have to run your life, and develops resilience in the face of hardship. That’s a lot of gain for a minute and a half of patience

Ok – there’s a lot to think about in this one. You might just want to save this and read it again, even several times over the next few days.

More to come,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

P.S. Learn more about Dr. Rosenberg’s work in 90 Seconds to a Life You Love.

Building Resilience Through the 90-Second Pause

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For years, the divorce rate in our country in any given year has reportedly been as high as 50% of the number of marriages that were performed that same year.

Results from a 1997 Gallup Poll, however, suggested extremely LOW divorce rates among couples who pray together regularly, like 1 out of 1,152 couples!

WHAT? !!!

In 2010, the Journal of Marriage and Family published similar compelling conclusions about couples who engage regularly in spiritual practices such as prayer.

This should cause all of us to stop and take note: there is a strong connection between praying together and the effect it has on our relationships, especially in marriage.

The question that comes to my mind is…

WHY?

Why would praying together regularly make such a profound difference in the life and longevity of a marriage?

I am quite certain there are a number of answers to the question. I have one reason in mind as I write this, stemming from a remark made by a client: “Well it’s pretty hard to hate someone you are praying with.”

Ooooh! That got me thinking about how true that is and why.

Before I share my thoughts, however, I want to leave you thinking about the same question.  Why might regularly praying together with a spouse, and even a friend, have such a positive effect on that relationship?

Reply to let me know your thoughts, and I will share mine next week!

Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com!

The post A Surprising Insight on Relationships appeared first on PLEDGEtalk.

God’s Invitation:  A Friendship Awaits!

In last week’s Talking Tip, I wrote about John Gottman’s idea that we make “bids” to each other to start a conversation. To the degree they are noticed and appreciated, a healthy and helpful conversation ensues.

This week I have been thinking of another kind of bid…

In life, we make horizontal bids to those around us, but we also have the opportunity to make vertical bids – to begin a conversation with God. Even more amazing, He makes bids to start conversations with us!

This morning on a walk God reminded me of that very thing. I am not quite sure how to explain it, but I felt this nudging inside me, like a desire whelming up to start talking to God. I believe the nudging was Him calling out to me – making a bid – to start a dialogue. Imagine that – the Creator of the world wanted to have conversation with me! He wants to dialogue with you too! So I started talking. He and I had a conversation.

Toward the end of my walk, I sat on a park bench, and as I did, this phrase came to mind: “I am your friend, not your foe!” God was making another bid! It reminded me of what Jesus said to His disciples: “I call you my friends.”

Ok STOP.

Think about this: God wants to be our friend AND He wants to have conversation with us!

Whew! When you do STOP and THINK ABOUT it – that is mind blowing!

The God of the universe wants to be your friend and mine, and He wants to converse with us!

I know that not everyone who gets these emails are followers of Jesus. I hope when I talk about Him that it doesn’t turn you off. Rather, my hope would be that it intrigues you, or even more so, that the nudge inside you grows to the point where you too, just might start talking to Him.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to write more about talking to God and the impact it has on our relationships. I hope you keep reading!

For now, when you feel the nudge, consider looking up and start a dialogue!

God’s Invitation:  A Friendship Awaits!

​

Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com!

The post God’s Invitation: A Friendship Awaits appeared first on PLEDGEtalk.

What If It Is NOT an Attack, But a Message!!

Ok – this is really helpful, because what if it’s not an attack, but a message???  Think with me…

In her frustration, she makes all kinds of statements that sound to you like complaints at best and attacks at worst. He, in turn, counters by negating everything she says and then turns around to tell her the real problems. She then responds in like manner, negating everything he just claimed as the real problems, and once again resumes with her attack. On and on it goes.

Sound at all familiar? Even to the slightest degree?

I picture it like this:

She is making statements, yes, but she is really sending messages. He has an arrowhead shield around himself for protection to deflect each of her arrows.

Now picture this:

After deflecting her arrows, he sends his own messages back to her, which are also deflected by her self-protective stance inside her arrowhead shield.

Sadly, matters consistently go from bad to worse as this scenario continues to play out, back and forth, back and forth.

Perhaps even more sad, is that both are missing the point (no pun intended!) What sounds like complaints – even attacks, are really messages being sent to the other. The key is to fend off the felt attack while still seeking to interpret the message. So, what do you think? What is the overall message being delivered?

After all, what if it’s not an attack…?

I’ll share my thoughts on the answer in a later email – but for now, what do YOU think is the underlying reason she says the things she says and he does the same? I promise you, there is a reason – and it’s likely not what you think. She doesn’t wake up in the morning – and neither does he – thinking about how to hurt the other (and if I am wrong on that, there is another problem!) Something else is taking place! What is that? Why is she or he saying things to you that seem to hurt and cause you to feel attacked? And what is the message (or plea) being sent?

Let me know your thoughts by responding in the comments.

I’ll share MY thoughts next time!
​
Mark Oelze

Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com!

P.S. I know, I know my drawings could use a lot of work! If you know CANVA and would like to be of help, let me know! I would love to hear from you!

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