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Team Talk for Better Relationships

A Lesson in Teamwork—From My Driveway

Outside my office window today, I watched a six-man crew pour a new driveway at our house. It was remarkable to see how well they worked together as a team. No one complained. They switched roles easily, picking up whatever tool or task was needed in the moment. They talked, they laughed, they worked hard—and they got the job done beautifully.

That got me thinking…

What if those of us who are married—or part of a family—took the same approach? What if it wasn’t about me or my spouse, but about us? What if we truly saw ourselves as a team on a mission? We wouldn’t complain. We’d switch roles as needed, stepping in to handle whatever task keeps things moving. We’d talk, make it fun, laugh together. And we’d work hard at being good teammates.

The result? A beautiful picture of what marriage can be.

And what if we brought that same mindset into PLEDGEtalk and our daily relationships? For instance, someone could step in and say:

  • PAUSE: “Can we stop for a moment? The way we’re talking right now isn’t good for us. Let’s take a break, then come back ready to communicate as teammates.”

  • LISTEN: “I sense something’s going on in you—or between us. I’d like to really listen so I can understand.”

  • ECHO: “You just said a lot. Let me echo it back to make sure I’ve got it right.”

  • DISARM: “Thank you for sharing that. I see where you’re coming from. That makes sense.”

  • GIVE: “I appreciate hearing your view. Would you be okay if I share mine too, so we both understand and can work toward the best outcome as a team?”

  • ENGAGE: “Can we agree to use PLEDGEtalk as our regular way of enhancing communication—as teammates?”

Here’s the point: the person who chooses to step into dialogue with PLEDGEtalk strengthens the team. The one who knows what to do but stays silent? That person contributes to the team’s breakdown.

So, when conflict comes your way this weekend—which kind of teammate will you be?

—Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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Decode the Message: Bids for Connection

When a Spouse Seems to Attack

A wife brings her frustrations or hurts to her husband, and he feels attacked. He brushes them off and counters with his own frustrations. Her defenses go up, and she fires back again. Around and around it goes.

But here’s the truth: the wife usually isn’t trying to attack—she’s trying to send a message. The key is to set aside your own immediate reaction and ask:

What is she really saying or wanting?

Simply put, she wants connection.

More fully, she wants the relationship to be one of connection—on every level. She longs to be on the same page, to see eye to eye, to be heard and understood, to make amends, to experience life as teammates, to work well together, and to enjoy a deep, rich bond.

Bids for Connection

John Gottman, the country’s foremost researcher on marriage, calls these attempts “bids for connection.”

Bids are the small, everyday gestures—verbal, physical, or emotional—that reach for closeness. They can be obvious, like saying, “Look at that bird!” or reaching for a hug. Or they can come out sideways, in the form of complaints:

  • “You never help out.”

  • “You’re always in the garage.”

  • “You’re always on your phone.”

On the surface, these sound like attacks. But underneath, they are still bids for connection. Trust me—they are signals that say, “I want to matter to you.”

Three Possible Responses

Gottman found that how partners respond to bids is critical to the health of the relationship. There are three typical responses:

  • Turning Toward: Engaging positively with the bid. Example: “Wow, that IS a pretty bird!” Or, when faced with a complaint: “You sound hurt about this. Tell me what’s going on inside.” This builds trust and connection.

  • Turning Away: Ignoring or missing the bid—such as being lost in your phone and not responding.

  • Turning Against: Responding with irritation or hostility. Example: “Why are you bothering me with that?”

Gottman’s research is sobering. In healthy, lasting relationships, partners turn toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time. In marriages that eventually collapse, that number drops to about 33%. These small moments—repeated day after day—are what make or break emotional intimacy.

Your Turn

So here’s my question for you:
What will you do this week when your spouse—or child, friend, neighbor, or co-worker—makes a bid for connection, whether it comes across as positive or negative?

Will you turn toward, turn away, or turn against?

I’d love to hear your reflections and experiences this week.

—
Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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Are You Kind?

Kindness

When was the last time you truly experienced kindness? And what effect did it have on you?

I experience being “kinded” (my word for the experience of someone being kind to me) regularly through my wife. Just last night, she listened with genuine understanding—even when it meant her admitting some fault in a conflict we had.

She “kinded” me again when she offered to get me water, helped with a task without a single complaint, and came alongside me to support my endeavors. She kinds me every day when she…

  • looks at me when I speak

  • doesn’t interrupt

  • smiles when she sees me

  • teams with me in the work of our home, inside and out

  • leaves post-it notes of thanks or encouragement

  • prays with me and for me

  • listens to my endless new thoughts about life

  • affirms my work and my worth

  • …and more

What’s the effect? I am drawn to her. I feel safe with her. My love deepens, and I want to return the gift by showing kindness to her in the same ways.

How about you? Do you intentionally practice kindness? We all long for it and appreciate it when others extend it. Kindness sits at the very core of the PLEDGEtalk way of communicating—even outside of conflict. To pause and give others time to share what’s on their mind is kind. To listen well, to echo back, and to validate someone’s thoughts, ideas, or concerns is an act of kindness.

Today, practice kindness—with your spouse, your child, a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger you cross paths with. Notice the effect. You’ll brighten their day—and you’ll brighten your own in the process.

—
Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com

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Why I Want to VENT?

When Is It OK to Vent Our Emotions?

I threw my phone the other day. I don’t like to admit it, but I did. Thankfully, I threw it into the couch, so I still have my phone—but yes, I threw it. Irrrrr!

I’m also thankful no one else was around. Not because I’m embarrassed (I am sharing it here after all), but because my outburst could have made others feel afraid or unsafe.

This raises the bigger question: Is it ever OK to vent our emotions in front of others? And if so, how do we know when?

Anger as Protection

When a dad raises his voice at his son because the boy is ignoring his Father’s concerns and about to do something unsafe, is that OK? Likely yes. The motivation in this case is love and protection.

Frustration as Venting

When a wife tells her husband how fed up she is with his late hours, is that OK? Likely no. If the motivation is simply to “vent,” to “tell it like it is,” or to “be honest,” then the focus is more about self-relief than love. Often, it risks hurting rather than helping.

Silence as Escape—or Love

When a husband walks off without talking to his wife, is that OK? It depends.

  • Yes—if it’s a conscious Pause to avoid saying something harmful, especially if he communicates: “I need to Pause and go on a walk.”
  • No—if it’s dismissive, meant to escape “the noise,” or driven by self-protection. In that case, the motivation is not love for his wife, but concern for himself.

The Common Thread: Motivation

Are you catching the common element here? The key is motivation.

We are called—by God, and by Love itself—to interact with others in ways that build safety and connection, not fear or distance.

Questions to Ask Before Speaking

  • Am I pausing long enough to examine my motives?
  • Am I aware of how my words might affect the other person?
  • Will this expression further relational connection?
  • If Jesus is part of my life, have I prayed for wisdom, timing, words, and love?

If you can answer yes to all of these, then proceed—but with caution. Circumstances can shift quickly: defensiveness can rise, timing can be interrupted, emotions can escalate. In those moments, it’s often wiser to ​Pause again—90 seconds or more​—before continuing. Pushing forward rarely produces a good outcome.

Final Thought

There’s much to consider when deciding whether or not to express emotions to another. Reflect on the above, practice, and feel free to reply with your questions—I may address them in a future post.

That’s all for now,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

– Why I want to vent –

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A Surprising Insight on Relationships

PLEDGEtalk because communication mattersA Surprising Insight on Relationships

For years, the divorce rate in our country in any given year has reportedly been as high as 50% of the number of marriages that were performed that same year.

Results from a 1997 Gallup Poll, however, suggested extremely LOW divorce rates among couples who pray together regularly, like 1 out of 1,152 couples!

WHAT? !!!

In 2010, the Journal of Marriage and Family published similar compelling conclusions about couples who engage regularly in spiritual practices such as prayer.

This should cause all of us to stop and take note: there is a strong connection between praying together and the effect it has on our relationships, especially in marriage.

The question that comes to my mind is…

WHY?

Why would praying together regularly make such a profound difference in the life and longevity of a marriage?

I am quite certain there are a number of answers to the question. I have one reason in mind as I write this, stemming from a remark made by a client: “Well it’s pretty hard to hate someone you are praying with.”

Ooooh! That got me thinking about how true that is and why.

Before I share my thoughts, however, I want to leave you thinking about the same question.  Why might regularly praying together with a spouse, and even a friend, have such a positive effect on that relationship?

Reply to let me know your thoughts, and I will share mine next week!

Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com!

 

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God’s Invitation: A Friendship Awaits

God’s Invitation:  A Friendship Awaits!

In last week’s Talking Tip, I wrote about John Gottman’s idea that we make “bids” to each other to start a conversation. To the degree they are noticed and appreciated, a healthy and helpful conversation ensues.

This week I have been thinking of another kind of bid…

In life, we make horizontal bids to those around us, but we also have the opportunity to make vertical bids – to begin a conversation with God. Even more amazing, He makes bids to start conversations with us!

This morning on a walk God reminded me of that very thing. I am not quite sure how to explain it, but I felt this nudging inside me, like a desire whelming up to start talking to God. I believe the nudging was Him calling out to me – making a bid – to start a dialogue. Imagine that – the Creator of the world wanted to have conversation with me! He wants to dialogue with you too! So I started talking. He and I had a conversation.

Toward the end of my walk, I sat on a park bench, and as I did, this phrase came to mind: “I am your friend, not your foe!” God was making another bid! It reminded me of what Jesus said to His disciples: “I call you my friends.”

Ok STOP.

Think about this: God wants to be our friend AND He wants to have conversation with us!

Whew! When you do STOP and THINK ABOUT it – that is mind blowing!

The God of the universe wants to be your friend and mine, and He wants to converse with us!

I know that not everyone who gets these emails are followers of Jesus. I hope when I talk about Him that it doesn’t turn you off. Rather, my hope would be that it intrigues you, or even more so, that the nudge inside you grows to the point where you too, just might start talking to Him.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to write more about talking to God and the impact it has on our relationships. I hope you keep reading!

For now, when you feel the nudge, consider looking up and start a dialogue!

God’s Invitation:  A Friendship Awaits!

​

Mark Oelze

Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com!

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I Get Defensive Too! UGH

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Joy and Marriage – How do you keep a marriage healthy for life?

Further Thoughts on the Joy of the Dance in Marriage For Life…

Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay

A dance that brings joy – married for Life. It’s what we all want. My parents are in their 68th year. It’s not a perfect marriage, but I still see those moments when Mom – with love in her eyes – reaches out to touch Dad to show him she is there and she cares. And I see Dad bringing home flowers sometimes for no reason at all except that he cares too for Mom.

How do we get there? How do we get to the end of life still holding each other’s hands and thanking God for the gift He gave us in each other?

It takes work!

We must:

  • forgive countless times
  • seek to serve rather than to be served
  • be patient – like we hope the other is patient with us
  • show kindness every day, in every way possible
  • remember why we first so appreciated each other
  • take time to give time to enjoy time to make the best of time
  • expect conflict, prepare for when conflict will occur, and commit to resolving conflict as soon as it emerges
  • seek help from outside sources when we can’t figure it out ourselves
  • listen without interruption, staying focused as you do
  • be each other’s greatest cheerleader
  • encourage each other day after day
  • DECIDE NOW how important your spouse is to you. If she or he really matters, THEN commit to becoming a life-long learner about marriage.
  • And my list could go on and on and on.

In short, we must love the other as we once promised we would. I know it is hard. Let me say that again. I KNOW it is hard! I have been so angry at my wife sometimes and she me – but we kept returning to love. We have no other option.

In one of the bullet points above,  I mentioned becoming a life-long learner about marriage. Here are some ways to do that:

Read one book on marriage every 3 – 6 months. Here are my top four books on marriage and relationships:

Attend a marriage retreat/conference in 2024. Here is one I HIGHLY recommend:  A Weekend to Remember, put on by Family Life Ministries. Zerrin and I have been and loved it. You can go HERE to find out the nearest one to you and all the available dates. When you register, look for the box that says “Group Name” and put in:  Madlyinlove. That will get you a discount.

For 2024, FamilyLife will offer a Half-Off promotion during a Black Friday promo on November 17-22, and again on January 3-22, 2024. These are the best times for couples to get the best price offered. There are three area conferences happening on Valentine’s weekend next year, February 9-11 – a great way to celebrate and invest in your marriage! Again, when you register, put MadlyInLove in the Group Name box. With this special promotion, you may not get a further discount, but it helps us. For every five couples that use this group name, we get to give away a free Weekend.

REMEMBER – it takes work to learn the dance!  But it is the best kind of work!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Give me a heads up below if you will get a book above or attend The Weekend To Remember Marriage Conference!

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Word Choice – How can you change your speech to help conflict progress?

Further Thoughts on What to Say Rather than “But” in a Conversation!  11/2/23

Half empty or half full?

You have heard the question – probably many times. It is asked after a speaker holds up a glass with water up to the halfway mark. The question is then posed for the purpose of discovering whether people tend to be more optimistic in life or pessimistic. Everyone then gives a bit of a chuckle and the speaker makes some kind of point from the illustration.

One day, I found myself thinking, they’re wrong. They are all wrong!  The glass is not half empty OR half full, it is BOTH!  It is half empty AND half full!

What does this have to do with conversations or conflict?

In almost every conflict conversation I have been a part of personally or professionally, I see two things take place. First, both parties think their way is the right and only way when it comes to resolving the conflict. I must confess, this describes me as well. It is what I tend to think at first when I am in conflict. I would go so far as to say it is the default position we all take when in conflict. I’m right – you are wrong.  Someone says, “The glass is half-full” and they are sure they are right.” The other party says: “The glass is half-empty” and they are sure THEY are right. There is no other position to even consider on either behalf!

The second thing I see is this:  as time is taken to understand each person’s perspective the view of the problem begins to change. It may happen quickly, or it may take quite some time.  But it does happen – almost universally if we take the time to truly listen and understand – our view changes. We may not agree with another’s side of the story, but we come to see that the glass was not just one way or another. It was both. There was more to see and understand as to why the conflict occurred.

Herein is the reason to use the phrase “at the same time” rather than the word “But” when in a conflict conversation. The latter response infers there is only one side to the story.  Saying “at the same time” clearly indicates an understanding of a greater picture.

Sometimes I use the idea of a puzzle when in a conflict. I seek to gather all the pieces of the puzzle from the other party or parties making sure to validate them.  I then say I have a few more pieces to add, and ask if they would be willing to hear or see them as well. Upon putting my “pieces” on the table to complete the puzzle, we can then step back to gain the full picture of what took place when the conflict occurred.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict make sure you do all you can to slow down the process and put the entire puzzle together. Committing to the process of seeing the whole picture will go a long way to helping you have healthy and helpful conflict conversations!

Oh and be sure to nix that BUT word!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

What one idea is most helpful from the above?  Drop it into the comments below!

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