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How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

 

What do I do, I thought.

 

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

  • Reacting
  • Fighting back
  • Being defensive
  • Standing up for my rights
  • Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

  • Showing them I heard them
  • Seeking to understand them and their story
  • Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
  • Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.

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My Reactivity is My Responsibility…

I have a past story. You have one too.  Hopefully, it is at least a mixture of bad and good if not more good.

Most of us don’t like looking back at the bad, and for good reason. It’s bad! It brings bad thoughts and feelings.  We’d rather just move on. And even if we do look back at the bad, we don’t want to do it for long. Maybe just long enough to say we did and “get over it” so it no longer affects us.

I get it. I understand.

Unfortunately, that’s really not how it works. I wish it was, but it isn’t. We don’t just look back once to recognize where we came from, get over it, and then move on

Just this week, I saw again how my past still affects my present.

On three different occasions, I found myself reacting to situations where I felt I was being criticized. Without going into a lot of detail (because I am not writing a book here!) one of the prominent feelings I experienced growing up was that of being criticized. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how good I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough – and I heard about it. Over and again I felt incredible frustration, anger, and shame.

So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.

Keep in mind, I am 63 years old as I write this. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling. I have thought of my past and spoken to others about it for hours and hours – and it still affects me.

Here’s the good news. Because I don’t turn a blind eye to my past and because I am real with a few people close to me, this awareness enables me to recognize how my past still affects me. And once I recognize the connection between my past and the present, it opens a new door for me to walk through. I can stop in the midst of my reaction, say to myself “that is of my past,” and walk across the threshold into a new and better way of relating to others, even when being criticized.

One more thing. Don’t hear me saying it is easy. And don’t think I will never struggle with this again. I will. I am quite certain of that. But keeping the above in mind, I have found that I don’t have to be controlled by my past, and neither do you!

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Slow Down – and think HOW to communicate!

As a marriage counselor for over 30 years, I have spent a lot of time watching couples communicate their frustrations to each other. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about HOW to communicate!

Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it. I agree. That is the reason for one immediate suggestion I would make to most couples – and really everyone when in conversation. It is this: slow down the conversation so you can think more about how to communicate.

At times when I give counsel to two people in conflict, I interrupt them in the middle of a discussion.  I ask them to simply STOP talking. Then I look at each of them intently, back and forth, in total silence for a few moments.

When I begin again to speak, I do so quietly and slowly – all very deliberately to help them experience something new…

  • I want their minds to stop spinning and their emotional reactions to come to a standstill. Remember, when we are full of anger, hurt and anxiety, the rational part of the brain tends to shut down so we can’t think straight.
  • I want them to know what it is like to step away from pressing their own agenda. All too often when in a conversation where there is conflict what’s on our mind is what’s on our mind…our agenda. And we are out to get the other person to hear us.  Never mind the thought that they might want to be heard too.
  • I want to bring them to a place where instead they can begin to listen.  To really listen and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings.

Here’s what is likely to happen for all of us when we slow down our conversations and think more about how to communicate by genuinely listening:

  1. we will gain fresh or further understanding of each other;
  2. that will pave the way for us to experience empathy for the other;
  3. this, in turn, helps the other feel cared for once again;
  4. and that leads to the renewal of connection – what we both long for and are trying to achieve by our talking.

There is a time to voice our concerns as I teach in the TALK class, but never forget there is equally if not even more so, a need to LISTEN!

So this week simply STOP talking. Seek to slow down your conversations. It will likely require you to give up much of what you want to say so that you might call to mind the equally important task of listening. And when you do – listen that is – carefully observe the difference it makes in you, in the other, and between you. Test and see if the points above come true for you!

Leave a comment/question below or email:  mark@pledgetalk.com

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Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict?

Hi.

Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It’s a really important question for all of us today! Here’s why:

I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.

So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk – that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?

I had stepped into what I believe most of us do when we first encounter someone who disagrees with us–debate mode. And I was out to win!

There is an irony in DEBATE, that is so often missed. The person stating their case is seeking an audience-whether it is a hundred or one-who will listen intently to them and give thoughtful consideration to what is being said. They are hoping to be heard and seen as right.

I understand and appreciate that. I want to be heard too as was evidenced by my efforts to drive home my points with my wife in the conflict alluded to earlier.

It is also what we are seeing all around us now, whether it is masks and Covid19, Black Lives Matter, De-funding Police, CHOP Zones or Trump vs Biden. It is all about debating one’s point, hoping to be heard and seen as right.

Herein lies the irony. Though debaters expend great amounts of energy and often go to great lengths to get others to listen to them, they expend very little energy or effort to listen to another.

It’s a shame. Or a sham. And it’s what most of us do when in conflict!

Whatever happened to the golden rule?

If you want someone to really listen to and understand you, will you do the same for them?

I wonder what just might happen if the democrats and republicans sat down together to really listen and LEARN from each other. Or if supporters and non-supporters of Black Lives Matter BOTH committed to listening and learning from each other?

Whether on a small scale (my wife and I) or large scale (police and those who created the capital hill autonomous zone), I am convinced we all have much to learn if we just paused long enough to listen – but I mean REALLY listen. To do so, both sides must enter a DIALOGUE rather than a debate, with the firm conviction that both could learn from the other.

As I further reflected on my manner of communication with my wife, I realized just that. I needed to step out of debate mode and enter into dialogue mode. You see when I am in debate mode, what matters most is that I win, regardless of the cost to others. Ouch.

That’s not love. It’s not respectful. That is not how I want to be treated by others, and that’s really not how I want to treat them.

No, winning is not what life and relationships is all about, unless it is winning together. That is the goal of dialogue, and that is the way of PLEDGEtalk!

The next time you find yourself in the debate mode because of a conflict, large or small, I challenge you to join me and pause. Then re-enter the conversation in a dialogue mode so that you both might listen to learn and even win together!

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thanks,

Mark Oelze
Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk

HOME – PLEDGEtalk 2020

Two people arguing their point to the boss

two people arguing their point to the boss

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ANXIETY? You can do THIS to find calm.

How is your anxiety these days?

​(WARNING: this article is a bit longer than usual, and will require reflection. Scan to the summary at the end if needed–not recommended though. My suggestion, find a time when you can read the article in full and consider how it can apply to you. Then let me know what you think.)

​Not sure about you, but my anxiety level goes up and down in life a lot, and even more so these days with Covid-19.

​The latest for me has been my daughter’s wedding. It is coming up soon–in Oklahoma. It’s been in the works for months but has created a lot of uncertainty for weeks now with the pandemic. Should we have postponed it or changed the date? How many people should we have invited? We had 250, then 60, then 10, then 30, and now – who knows? What really matters is that they get married, right? Yes? No? You get the point. All kinds of questions and uncertainties in my head.

​Or how about another source of anxiety – finances. They are a source of anxiety all the time for most, but especially during CV19. What happened to your retirement funds (if you had any in the first place)? Will they ever recover? Will you have a job yet throughout this year to provide for your family? Will the economy come back as some say it will or will it get worse? Will there be a second wave? Will it ever be the same as it was?

​I could add more questions. You could too. Before I wrote the next sentence I counted up how many other sources of anxiety there are currently in my life – at least 8. You may have more.

​There is much that is uncertain these days.

​How do we find calm in the midst of anxiety?

​We have to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Let me explain.

​Think of anxiety as being the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen, but are uncertain if it will.

(I define “need” as something that the one in need requires in order to experience a sense of ok-ness, security, calm, etc.)

​That something we “need” to happen could be as simple as a business meeting producing positive results, or a difficult conversation leading to a hope-for outcome. If these turn out how we want, we are happy and excited, if they don’t we are frustrated or disappointed. BUT until we know the outcome, we are anxious – because of the uncertainty of what will happen. Other examples could include:

  • A person who needs their marriage to survive, but they aren’t sure it will, experiences anxiety.
  • Someone hopes (needs) their employer will keep them on during this crisis, but they have no guarantee of it happening. The uncertainty creates anxiety.
  • Parents “need” their teenager to connect more with the family but don’t know how to reach their child. What they have tried hasn’t seemed to work. Time is running short before the teen leaves the nest. The parents experience anxiety.

​Remember, anxiety is the result of needing something to happen, but being uncertain if it will. The more dependent one is on what they need, and the less certain of it happening, the greater the anxiety.

​To decrease anxiety then, one option is to create greater certainty that what we need to happen WILL happen. This is what most of us seek to do as we face life’s challenges.

​In our anxiety over finances, for instance, there are a number of things we seek to do to create greater certainty we will have enough income to provide for our family, now and in the future. We:

  • Work harder
  • Strive to get out of debt
  • Use a budget (Like Dave Ramsey’s – and I don’t get commission for mentioning him!)
  • Spend wisely
  • Develop a savings account
  • Build one’s assets
  • Invest

​Some or all of these steps are do-able to some degree or another for each of us. And that can create a greater sense of certainty that we will be able to provide both now and in the future for our family.

​Until COVID-19 hits or some other disaster we had not been expecting!

​Then we are faced with the reality that as hard as we try, we can’t be certain that we can make happen what we think needs to happen. We don’t have that level of ultimate control–not only in our finances but in any area of life. We like to think we do, but deep down we know we don’t.

​THAT is why we are anxious.

​So if in fact, we cannot be certain about getting which we need, because we don’t have as much control as we like, what can we do?

​We must take option two: change our needs to desires, and seek a greater good.

​Consider the following scenarios to understand what I mean:

​Last year, we lost a good friend to cancer. She was an amazing person in so many ways, even up to the very point of death. I can’t remember her ever really complaining though she battled for two years and went through so much. Days before she died, Zerrin and I visited her, and she was still not complaining. She even asked how we were! She wasn’t mad at life or God and was largely at peace. She left behind a husband and two young teenagers. How did she do it?

She changed her “need” for health, to a “desire” for health. It was a strong desire for sure, but still a desire. It ceased being a need. And she sought a greater good.

​Strangely, during the last two months, I have lived with less anxiety than ever over the future of our finances. And it’s not because we came into an inheritance or anything! Rather, we have changed our “need” to a “desire” for financial security. And we seek a greater good.

​In order to reduce their anxiety, the parents who “need” their kids to connect more with the family, will have to change their “need” to a “desire” and seek a greater good.

​And finally, I think of Jesus, who faced a terrible death and cried out to his Father for intervention, but nevertheless, downgraded his “need” to a “desire” and sought a greater good.

​What is that “greater good” to seek?

​At first glance, one might say the “greater good” to seek is to leave a legacy, or put things in perspective, or to love without demanding. These are all worthy pursuits for each of us.

​For those of us who follow Jesus, we can seek an additional “greater good.” We can seek to live a life where we don’t deny our desires, but not confuse them with needs. We know our greatest good is to entrust our lives to our Creator and follow Him wherever He leads, knowing for certain that whatever He does here on earth and afterward is best.

​If our finances suffer, we can seek God and His leading in our lives.

​If our teens choose to not connect with the family and go their own way, we can still trust God and seek His direction on how to still best love our kids.

​When we are diagnosed with that terminal illness–we can seek His comfort and help knowing He is with us and that soon we will be with Him.

​Towards the end of his prayer, when Jesus asked a third time for another plan to be drawn up, He expressed His prayer as a desire – not a need. And instead, He sought to do the greater good–that of carrying out what His Father requested and focusing on the joy it would bring in the end.

​In summary, anxiety is the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen but are uncertain if it will.

​It is a common experience known to every person on earth. How we deal with it, however, is not so common. We all engage in various stress relievers, but to process anxiety most fully and find calm, we must learn to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Did you find this helpful? If so, would you share it with a friend or family member who might also be helped?

Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear from you!

​Thank you!

​Mark Oelze

Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk, a How To When Communication Matters

For more useful tips go here…https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

Don’t forget to visit our Facebook page!  https://www.facebook.com/PLEDGEtalk/

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Listening: Seven Tools For Doing It Well

Listening involves more than you think! It takes work, focus, time, and energy. Are you up for the task? How important is it really? Learn seven critical tools for good listening!

Here is a scenario I see play out in my office over and over again: one spouse wishes the other would speak up more. They are frustrated thinking that the other doesn’t really care to make the relationship work because they won’t talk. I have seen wives who wish their husbands would talk more and husbands who wished the same of their wives. I have seen parents who wish their teens would talk more or team leaders who are frustrated because they can only get a few of their group members to share their ideas. What’s wrong? Why does this happen?

I can tell you one of THE biggest factors has to do with listening.

I shared a PLEDGEtalk Facebook post this week, that said: “Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.”

The person in front of you–whether it is your spouse, your daughter, or the team–won’t believe you are ready and willing to listen unless you are silent.

That means:

  1. you are looking intently at them.
  2. you will be sure not to have a frown on your face but an expression that portrays the idea that you care what they have to say.
  3. you will be patient, for as long as it takes for them to gather their thoughts. And when they do begin talking, you will do everything you can to make sure you don’t interrupt or interject. Instead, you will work hard to stay focused on each word and sentence that comes out of their mouth.
  4. you will wonder and maybe ask why they chose the words they did to describe how they are feeling or to explain their perspective on a matter.
  5. you will be intrigued with what they are saying while at the same time actively putting your own thoughts and reactions up on a shelf in your mind. Note I did not say put them under a rug to be buried, but up on a shelf for later. Your ideas, your reactions can’t be your focus–not if you are listening. Makes sense?
  6. you will keep working at putting your reactions on the shelf while staying SILENT and listening.
  7. And the only time you will speak is for the purpose of clarifying what the other has said or echoing back to make sure you heard correctly.

THAT is real listening!

When a person finally gets the experience of someone genuinely listening, they believe they matter and find their voice!

Now a few words of caution:

  • You may try using the seven tools above and not see the same intended results as I get. Don’t despair or give up. Remember I have been doing this for years as my profession! Go back through the list above to see if you missed anything and keep working at it. It also might take the quiet person awhile to believe that you really are sincere.
  • You may use any or all of the above tools and see quick results. Beware. If these tools are not already part of who you are, you will quickly forget them, fall into old patterns, and watch the person in front of you once again fade away into silence. If this happens, take note, admit what you just did (i.e. interrupted, or reacted, or grew impatient, etc.) and ask them if they would continue to share while you work once again at listening well.
  • You may grow weary or discouraged when you see how much work it takes to really listen well. You may even be tempted to think “if I have to go through all of that and more just to find out what another person is thinking, it’s not worth it. What they have to say must not be all that important.” You couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rather, they are like a mine full of precious jewels just waiting to be discovered!

Most of the breakthroughs I see in my office between spouses, or between parents and a child come when they learn to really listen. When truly listening, we give the gift of being heard. It’s when tears are most apt to appear, and real connection begins!

Think of the last time you felt really heard by someone. What was it they did to make you feel that way?  Let me know below!! I always appreciate your comments–it is encouraging to me as I feel like I am being heard!  🙂

Copyright: iqoncept / 123RF Stock Photo

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Change? Here Is A Simple Plan

Yesterday, my 82 year old Dad asked me about my goals for the new year. Then he told me of an area in his life he hopes to change in 2018. I have great respect for him that at his age, he still has personal plans for self-improvement! I hope I have that same mindset when I am in my 80’s.

What about you and I for this coming year?

You have probably heard it said:  “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.”

That quote is supposedly from Benjamin Franklin, along with the following story.  At one point Benjamin became painfully aware that people didn’t like being around him. In fact, they would cross over to the other side of a muddy street to avoid him. Soon thereafter, he chose 13 characteristics about himself that he didn’t like and set out to change them. He chose one characteristic each week for 13 weeks to work on changing. At the end of the 13 weeks, he started over doing the same. No doubt, Benjamin’s plan for self-improvement, was the critical element in him becoming a better version of himself.

We have probably all made resolutions at the beginning of a new year–or any time during the year for that matter–that we haven’t kept. That doesn’t mean we should stop making efforts to change. Again remember Benjamin Franklin:  “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.”

I am writing this blog post, because I have made a plan to do more writing this year. Without that plan, you would not be reading this.

Whatever you think about New Year’s Resolutions, let me encourage you to do this:

Pick one area of personal change–just one–to focus on. Then make a plan to bring about that change. That might involve learning about that area, telling one person or several about your plan, and asking them to encourage you to keep up the effort. It will no doubt take work and persistence. You will likely fail, more often than not especially at first. But if you don’t give up, and stick with your plan, your chances of seeing real change are very high.

Now, being a marriage and family counselor and coach, may I suggest a few change options to consider for those of you who are married?

First, reading or listening to a book together can be very helpful. One important element to bring about change in any area of life is to gain new insights from others.  Here are three books I am currently recommending:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman.  One reviewer said this about Gottman’s book:  “Read this book just when I was about to give up on my marriage. It turns out that there have been so many things I took for granted and this book helped me realize exactly what my husband and I have been doing right, what we’ve been doing wrong and what else we can do to strengthen the bond. This saved me from so much marital grief and frustration.”

Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage, by Gary Thomas. One reviewer said this:  “Whether you are a newlywed or married 20 years plus, this is a great book to spice up the romance & intimacy in your marriage. It’s funny how that works. As you begin to Cherish your spouse and honor them when they are present or not, they begin to change toward you. The smiles are more genuine and they feel truly LOVED and Cherished.”

The PLEDGE of a Lifetime: Her Hope For Connection. His Guide Through Conflict, by yours truly. Here’s what Traci B said about my book:  “I am excited to implement PLEDGEtalk in everyday conversation with my husband, and someday with our children, to create a home where people feel understood, validated, and genuinely loved.”

I also HIGHLY suggest you plan on attending a conference this year where you learn firsthand from others how to improve your marriage. I am a big believer in the weekend getaway marriage conference entitled:  A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER. You can find all the information you need about attending this HERE. There are many dates and locations throughout the year for couples to attend. Sign up using my code:  “madly in love” and my Name:  Mark Oelze to get $100 off the price. And for every five couples using my code, I get to send someone who can’t afford to go FREE! My wife and I attended this conference a couple years ago and really appreciated it!

Now I know that some of you are thinking: how do I get my spouse to agree to work on our marriage or attend a conference so that we might see real change? Ask him or her to call or email me and I will show them how to save $10,000 (plus) by working on your marriage! (Seriously!)

Zerrin and I celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary December 19th.

Check out our PLEDGEtalk Facebook page HERE to see what our kids gave us for our anniversary. We plan to be in this for as long as we both shall live. Over the course of our marriage, Zerrin and I have attended at least 10 different marriage conferences, read at least 30+ books on marriage, and have spent countless walks and talks working on our marriage. And I know there is still MORE to learn in order to change!

So two questions as we begin 2018: what area of your life are you going to focus on this year to change and become a better version of yourself? And what is your plan?

I’d love to hear from you below!

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My Personal Struggle When I Am In Conflict

There’s a reason why most people struggle to have only a few solid relationships. They are hard and take a lot of work!

My wife and I just spent two weeks in Asia. We taught on principles of healthy communication and conflict resolution. Besides my counseling, this is what I do best and I am most passionate about. And guess what? On the last night of our trip, my wife and I had a conflict!  Ugh!

It happens to all of us!

When I teach the PLEDGEtalk process, I don’t promise it will keep you from having conflict, though it can decrease and minimize it. I do promise however, you will know what to do when conflict happens.

Often times I share openly about conflicts I have had. This one however, is just a little too fresh for me to share at this time. Suffice it to say, it was over finances.

Following is my own internal struggle when the conflict happened, and looking back–four MUSTS my wife and I had to do in order for us to come back to peace and love each other once again.

No doubt you have heard me say that we rarely just decide to have a conflict. Instead, it just happens. It usually takes us by surprise. This case was no different for us.

We had just completed 30 plus hours of training on communication and conflict resolving and there we were–in a struggle with conflict ourselves! Even though I teach this stuff all the time, I am always caught off guard how difficult it is even for me to use the principles we teach when conflict actually happens. I don’t mean difficult because they are hard to understand. In fact, I think what I teach is quite clear (see HERE for a brief refresher OR HERE to get the full Infographic!) What I mean by difficult is this: when I find myself in the midst of a conflict I struggle to will myself to do what I know and teach is right. But I must! Let’s make that the first of the four MUSTS!

MUST # 1:  When conflict happens we must will ourselves to do what is right and good, regardless of how difficult it is to do.

Quite honestly, when conflict happens, I often don’t want to do what is good. I just want to do what is best for me and make my case. I want to make sure they see how they are wrong and that they get it right hereafter. It’s not a helpful mindset, I know. I am just telling you what often goes on inside of me and where I was that night. Repeatedly I had to check that part of me, get it under control, and move onto the next MUST.

MUST # 2: When we struggle with conflict, we must remind ourselves of what we value.

I value relationships and speaking with love and respect. My daughter is a Kindergarten teacher and is writing curriculum for her classroom, calling it the PLEDGE of Friendship. She teaches her children that when they are mad at each other, they have to remind themselves of the value of friendship. She teaches them to remember that the person they are mad at is their friend. I had to remind myself I was speaking with my wife whom I love dearly. Whether it is your spouse, your child, your friend, your co-worker or your boss–remind yourself to value the person in front of you. It was and is a must for me if I want to build my relationships. And there is nothing I value more.

MUST # 3: When conflict happens we must refuse to give in to the impulse to interrupt or make unkind comments.

Even when we remind ourselves of what we value, we have to monitor ourselves very carefully when talking with others. This is especially true when in the midst of a conflict. The struggle is controlling the impulses to interrupt and argue our own point of view, to tell the other where they are wrong, or to use hurtful words–all of which is terribly destructive to our relationships. I am painfully aware that I am very capable of doing everything of which I just spoke. I had to monitor myself carefully to not harm my wife as we discussed our frustrations with each other. It is hard, but worth it to us both.

MUST # 4: When conflict happens, we must be deliberate to use the principles of PLEDGEtalk.

I apologize if in any way that sounds arrogant. I sometimes fear that it does. But here is what I know. As I counselor, I have observed the way people communicate for hundreds if not thousands of hours and can tell you without hesitation what they are missing. It is found in PLEDGEtalk. In the conflict with my wife, I knew I had to listen to understand her perspective even when I didn’t want to. I needed to echo back what she said to make sure I understood correctly and we were on the same page. It was then crucial that I acknowledged that I understood her. And we both needed to take turns sharing our thoughts and feelings. Thankfully by doing so, we came back to peace.

Two additional thoughts I wrote en route to the USA via our connecting flight from Tokyo:

First, we received a testimony with the following story from one of the leaders where we just completed the PLEDGEtalk training on our trip:

“This morning we talked with Mary (not her real name) who shared how she used PLEDGEtalk in her communication with her husband. For years she has wanted out of her marriage but felt she could not leave. Both spouses felt trapped. This past week they had a huge conflict and could not talk to each other. Finally, when they had gotten to the point where they were not highly emotional, they had the longest conversation they had ever had. They were able to listen to each other, understand each other, hear each other’s concerns, and figure out the root of their issues! Mary said she has never felt freer. Since then this past week they have been able to communicate every time a conflict comes up and resolve it almost immediately using the PLEDGEtalk steps! The huge wall that had been built up over the past few years was taken down. They literally feel like they have put down their weapons finally!”

The principles of PLEDGEtalk work, when you work the principles!

Second, I just watched a commercial on our plane–presumably selling the idea of how wonderful air travel can be because we can stay in touch with those we love the most. It was a story of a little boy who ran to his dad just coming off the plane. They embraced and then walked down the corridor hand in hand. In the next scene, the dad was holding one of the son’s hands while the mom was holding the other as they were running through a field of tall wistful grass and spring flowers. A beautiful moment. And I thought to myself: it’s what we all want. Everyone on earth deeply longs to be loved and in relationships!   BUT–it takes work to make it happen.

Will you do the work? Will I?

In summary, remember these four MUSTS the next time you find yourself in the midst of a conflict:

  1. We must will ourselves to do what is right and good.
  2. We must remind ourselves of what we value most.
  3. We must refuse to give in to any impulse to interrupt or be unkind.
  4. We must be deliberate to use the principles of PLEDGEtalk.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions about what I have written. Leave them below. Thanks!

(Photo Source)

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When I Lost My SELF in Marriage

I cringe every time I hear it.

A man or a woman states: “I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself.” It is the reason they give for why they left their marriage and family. They have left to find themselves once again.

It’s not that I don’t understand what they are talking about. There are times over the course of 35 years of marriage that I too have wondered “who am I?” What I have a problem with is how they respond to the question and seek to “find themselves” again. To leave a spouse and family is a betrayal of trust to the highest degree. Whereas it may seem to be the only answer, and even feel good at first, the decision leaves devastation in it’s wake as the spouse and children are left behind to drown in a sea of pain, confusion, and loss. In an attempt to fix one problem, the person leaving creates an untold number of other problems.

If you have ever had similar feelings of having lost yourself in your marriage, I urge you to continue reading. There is more to consider and another way…

First, you must remember that loving each other well in marriage requires that you “lose” your self. Countless times you must give up your own desires to fulfill the desire or need of a spouse or child. Each occasion could be described or thought of as a negative experience where you “lose” your self. It could also be described as love. What it is depends on the why. It is love when you voluntarily give up your self for the benefit of another, knowing full well that love costs. It comes with the territory.

Second, the question of how to find oneself again is really the wrong question. Far better to focus on questions such as: who have you become in your marriage–both good and bad? Who are you becoming? And for those who follow Christ, how is He shaping you to become more like Him?

Getting married is like voluntarily placing yourself in a mold alongside your spouse knowing full well, that when the mold is heated up you will both be shaped into something very different! It is impossible for the mold to not change you. It is two becoming one. Each person is shaped into someone they were not before entering the mold. When done right, both become better versions of themselves.

When considering who you have become in your marriage, you must ask how have you handled the molding experience in good ways? Continue in those ways, always seeking how to love well.

Where have you handled the molding experience poorly? In cases where you believe you have given up a part of who you are that you believe to be good, how are you handling that? Have you lost your ability to speak openly and honestly about important matters in the relationship? Has this resulted in you becoming distant, angry, or even bitter? No doubt it is here when you might be most apt to think, “I have lost my self.” And it is here where you might face the temptation to leave.

For the person choosing to leave, there will not only be a path of destruction left in your wake, but another problem looming ahead. The cycle will inevitably start over. After some time of “finding yourself” and enjoying who you are once again, you will likely find another life partner. Life will once again be grand until…the day you experience frustration and disappointment in that relationship. Finding resolve will again elude you, leading to repeat feelings of having lost yourself, and furthering your anger, bitterness and distance. Why? Because you did not learn in the first place how to deal with your frustration and dissatisfaction! You did not face your fear of conflict. You did not discover along with your spouse how to voice your concerns and work through your differences. And you abandoned your life long commitment–that invaluable component of marriage that is meant to hold you together through the difficult times. Commitment is designed to force us to look long and hard to discover what all is needed to thrive for a lifetime.

The greatest question we must each ask ourselves is not how do I regain that which I have lost about me, but how do I become all I am meant to be before God, my spouse, my children, and those around me?

My challenge to you is stand firm on your commitment until you answer that second question. Vow to do whatever it takes. Determine to do the hard work: to gain whatever you need to learn; to think, read, attend conferences, have mentors; to ask those who have proven records in their marriage and family; to pray and keep on praying.

Do whatever it takes.

Questions? Comments? I would love to hear from you in the space below!

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A Simple Way To Increase Respect In Your Relationships:

You and I both learned an important life lesson at a very early age: take turns.

If you have children you teach it all the time. One is playing with a toy, when another child comes along and grabs it because he wants to play with it. The first child cries or reacts in anger as she grabs the toy back, and a fight quickly ensues. As fast as we can, we jump in between the children and say: “you two need to take turns!”

How does this relate to better communication at work and at home?

At Work With Your Team:

Think back on your last team meeting. What went well? What didn’t?

Two way communication is critical for a team to succeed – where everyone understands the importance of each one sharing AND listening. All too often before one person has the chance to finish what they are saying, another jumps in on top of them with a different thought. Soon another does the same and another. Ideas, even good ones, are missed because people aren’t taking turns really listening to each other. Even when someone is able to share their entire thought without being interrupted, a very similar experience occurs as soon as there is silence – someone quickly jumps in to share their idea and then another follows suit and another.

What if there was a different norm? A question or idea is brought to the group’s attention, for the purpose of discussion and gaining further insight. The first person speaks up and has everyone else’s full attention. When finished speaking, it is obvious others are reflecting on what has been said. Questions are asked of the speaker to clarify or draw out additional ideas. Important takeaways are duly noted before someone else takes their turn to share an idea.

For communication to take place at its best, a team leader must foster a culture where each person is invited to speak and experience the respect of everyone else through intentional listening. Only then will mutual respect be experienced by all, and the optimal environment be in place to gain the most from the time together.

In team meetings or small groups, we must take turns – both speaking AND listening.

Today With Your spouse:

Tonight when you greet each other, take turns sharing about the day. Don’t be so eager to tell about your day that you cut the other person off in the middle of them telling about theirs. Listen intently instead. By doing so you are showing respect to your spouse.

Tonight With Your Kids:

Practice with your children as well. Give your full attention to them when you see them after school. Then ask them for a few moments of their time and attention as you share with them some about your day too. Being deliberate to do this will teach your children how taking turns when communicating is a way of showing respect to others. It will help them with friends and go along way in preparing them one day with a future mate and family.

Whenever In Conflict:

Perhaps nowhere is the need to take turns more apparent than when in conflict. It is a must. Each person is angry or hurt for some reason. Critical to solving that conflict is the act of giving each other an opportunity to share their side, while we listen to truly understand and appreciate their perspective.

Today and this weekend – practice and model taking turns when in dialogue with your team, your spouse, and your children.

Simple.

But powerful.

It will deepen mutual respect!

Now do this with me quickly – leave a short phrase or sentence below telling me one place today where you are going to put this into practice. Let’s encourage each other right now by writing it down in the comment section below:

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