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Joy and Marriage – How do you keep a marriage healthy for life?

Further Thoughts on the Joy of the Dance in Marriage For Life…

Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay

A dance that brings joy – married for Life. It’s what we all want. My parents are in their 68th year. It’s not a perfect marriage, but I still see those moments when Mom – with love in her eyes – reaches out to touch Dad to show him she is there and she cares. And I see Dad bringing home flowers sometimes for no reason at all except that he cares too for Mom.

How do we get there? How do we get to the end of life still holding each other’s hands and thanking God for the gift He gave us in each other?

It takes work!

We must:

  • forgive countless times
  • seek to serve rather than to be served
  • be patient – like we hope the other is patient with us
  • show kindness every day, in every way possible
  • remember why we first so appreciated each other
  • take time to give time to enjoy time to make the best of time
  • expect conflict, prepare for when conflict will occur, and commit to resolving conflict as soon as it emerges
  • seek help from outside sources when we can’t figure it out ourselves
  • listen without interruption, staying focused as you do
  • be each other’s greatest cheerleader
  • encourage each other day after day
  • DECIDE NOW how important your spouse is to you. If she or he really matters, THEN commit to becoming a life-long learner about marriage.
  • And my list could go on and on and on.

In short, we must love the other as we once promised we would. I know it is hard. Let me say that again. I KNOW it is hard! I have been so angry at my wife sometimes and she me – but we kept returning to love. We have no other option.

In one of the bullet points above,  I mentioned becoming a life-long learner about marriage. Here are some ways to do that:

Read one book on marriage every 3 – 6 months. Here are my top four books on marriage and relationships:

Attend a marriage retreat/conference in 2024. Here is one I HIGHLY recommend:  A Weekend to Remember, put on by Family Life Ministries. Zerrin and I have been and loved it. You can go HERE to find out the nearest one to you and all the available dates. When you register, look for the box that says “Group Name” and put in:  Madlyinlove. That will get you a discount.

For 2024, FamilyLife will offer a Half-Off promotion during a Black Friday promo on November 17-22, and again on January 3-22, 2024. These are the best times for couples to get the best price offered. There are three area conferences happening on Valentine’s weekend next year, February 9-11 – a great way to celebrate and invest in your marriage! Again, when you register, put MadlyInLove in the Group Name box. With this special promotion, you may not get a further discount, but it helps us. For every five couples that use this group name, we get to give away a free Weekend.

REMEMBER – it takes work to learn the dance!  But it is the best kind of work!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Give me a heads up below if you will get a book above or attend The Weekend To Remember Marriage Conference!

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Word Choice – How can you change your speech to help conflict progress?

Further Thoughts on What to Say Rather than “But” in a Conversation!  11/2/23

Half empty or half full?

You have heard the question – probably many times. It is asked after a speaker holds up a glass with water up to the halfway mark. The question is then posed for the purpose of discovering whether people tend to be more optimistic in life or pessimistic. Everyone then gives a bit of a chuckle and the speaker makes some kind of point from the illustration.

One day, I found myself thinking, they’re wrong. They are all wrong!  The glass is not half empty OR half full, it is BOTH!  It is half empty AND half full!

What does this have to do with conversations or conflict?

In almost every conflict conversation I have been a part of personally or professionally, I see two things take place. First, both parties think their way is the right and only way when it comes to resolving the conflict. I must confess, this describes me as well. It is what I tend to think at first when I am in conflict. I would go so far as to say it is the default position we all take when in conflict. I’m right – you are wrong.  Someone says, “The glass is half-full” and they are sure they are right.” The other party says: “The glass is half-empty” and they are sure THEY are right. There is no other position to even consider on either behalf!

The second thing I see is this:  as time is taken to understand each person’s perspective the view of the problem begins to change. It may happen quickly, or it may take quite some time.  But it does happen – almost universally if we take the time to truly listen and understand – our view changes. We may not agree with another’s side of the story, but we come to see that the glass was not just one way or another. It was both. There was more to see and understand as to why the conflict occurred.

Herein is the reason to use the phrase “at the same time” rather than the word “But” when in a conflict conversation. The latter response infers there is only one side to the story.  Saying “at the same time” clearly indicates an understanding of a greater picture.

Sometimes I use the idea of a puzzle when in a conflict. I seek to gather all the pieces of the puzzle from the other party or parties making sure to validate them.  I then say I have a few more pieces to add, and ask if they would be willing to hear or see them as well. Upon putting my “pieces” on the table to complete the puzzle, we can then step back to gain the full picture of what took place when the conflict occurred.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict make sure you do all you can to slow down the process and put the entire puzzle together. Committing to the process of seeing the whole picture will go a long way to helping you have healthy and helpful conflict conversations!

Oh and be sure to nix that BUT word!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

What one idea is most helpful from the above?  Drop it into the comments below!

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Surrender! When? – How and when should you surrender during conflict?

Further Thoughts on SURRENDER! Where? When? Why? 10/27/23

Image by Paul Zilvanus Lonan from Pixabay

I first had the notion of “surrender” come to mind when I recently imagined how I would respond to my wife after listening to her side of the conflict:

  • I observed that I had a type of “but” in my first sentence
  • I could hear “tone” in my voice
  • I saw how quickly I would jump in as soon as she was finished talking
  • I felt how eager I was to get to my point rather than affirm hers

That’s when I heard in my head:

“Surrender!”

I didn’t like the idea. My reaction to what I had “heard” made me suspect this was something I ought to pay attention to.  Suggestions of personal growth are rarely first welcomed with glee.

I kept musing… Succumbing to the idea of surrender might not benefit me. It might be hard or costly.

It’s so often difficult – even for me – to communicate in love the way I teach others to with PLEDGEtalk.

When we are unwilling to surrender the felt right to give our perspective in a conflict, it is often indicative of further work needing to be done in us.  Consider what I mean with each of the four bullet points above:

  • Why would I start with a “yeah, but” statement? Am I unwilling to appreciate or validate my wife’s thoughts or feelings?
  • Why “tone” in my response? Was I seeking to shame my wife or put her in her place?
  • Why jump in so quickly? Was I really listening to her in the first place? If not, why not?
  • Why was I so eager to get my point across? Do I think my thoughts and feelings are more important than hers?

I hope you can see the need I had for self-examination before I proceeded with the conversation. The word “surrender” was exactly what I needed to hear, and needed to heed. I needed to surrender my felt right to react in any of the above ways. For me to do anything else at the moment, would not have been in line with love. At the very least, my wife would have felt missed, and at the most, she would have felt shamed, hurt, and attacked. All at the expense of my reacting out of a feeling like I had the right to do so.

Here me closely: I am not saying we cannot or should not give our perspective on a matter. What I am saying is, we must spend time considering what is happening inside us before we do. We must aim to love above all else.

Zerrin and I did continue the conversation. And I did share my thoughts and feelings – but later than I initially felt like doing so. Only after noting what was happening inside me, and choosing instead to love was I ready to share. It made all the difference in the world!

Can you give me a one-word reaction below?

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Halting Conflict – What can you do to stop conflict before it starts?

Further Thoughts on How To Keep Conflict From Creeping Up On You!  10/19/23

For various reasons, I suspect almost everyone is afraid of conflict. Because of this, we do all we can to avoid it. This includes redefining conflict as something other than what we are currently experiencing. We think, as long as we aren’t ______________  (fill in the blank) we aren’t really having conflict. As long as we aren’t physical with each other, or yelling, or using hurtful language, or… we aren’t in conflict. The result? Much of the conflict we experience is never attended to. We brush past it because we don’t see it for what it is – real conflict. It may be low-level conflict in your eyes, but it is nevertheless, still conflict. The danger of not attending to low-level conflict is that frustration and resentment builds until we have a full-blown conflict, which is nearly impossible to manage.

Address conflict even when it’s in its infancy stage!

Here’s the good news: if you know PLEDGEtalk, you can do this. Simply say something like: “Hey I think something just happened between us that doesn’t feel right. ‘I said this and you said or did that’ (or ‘You said this and I said or did that’). Can we stop a moment (pause!) and back up to see what just happened?” Then volunteer to LISTEN first, then ECHO, and then DISARM the tension by validating what the other shares.

QUESTION: Why would you not do this?

Some might say: “that would take too much time!”

  • That might indeed be true – especially at first.

  • At the same time (see how I did that? I did not use the word BUT), think of how much time is lost because you both feel the disconnect even from low-level conflict. And, when things blow up you waste hours, days, weeks, or even longer because of the fighting and distance between each other.

Others might say: “that sounds like a lot of work!”

  • And again I would say, yes – it takes a lot of work!

  • I would also add – it is the best kind of work! Building strong relationships will pay HUGE benefits throughout your lifetime!

And still others might say: “it’s simply too scary to address conflict even if it is low-level conflict.”

  • That makes sense. Even I often feel the discomfort when engaging in conflict conversations.

  • Here’s what helps the scariness: learning PLEDGEtalk like the back of your hand. When you practice the principles every day in every conversation, they become a part of who you are. So when conflict happens you will know exactly what to do. Add to that, when you and your partner, or friend or co-worker both know the process and agree to use it, all the better.  You might ask what to do if they don’t know PLEDGEtalk. Good question – ask them if you can share it with them so you can both better your communication with each other and create a strong relationship!

Over this past weekend, my wife and I had a pretty significant conflict. Because we were in different parts of the country we were forced to pause for a few days until we were together again. The good news is we had an AMAZING conflict conversation, all guided by PLEDGEtalk! You can learn to do the same.

A final thought…

One of the biggest reasons we don’t attend to conflict at all – whether it is low-level or full-blown conflict – is because it requires us to work on ourselves and change! I know this is true. As Zerrin and I talked through our conflict last night I learned more about myself and one specific area that I needed to do some work on me! I remind myself though, it is the best kind of work!!!

Hope that helps for the week – now practice all the above over the weekend. Engage the PLEDGEtalk process with any and all conflict you might experience!

(If you need a review of PLEDGEtalk, download the infographic HERE!)

What might make you hesitant to address even low-level conflict?  Leave a comment below!

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Pausing In Conflict – How do you better utilize listening?

Further thoughts on the most important step to take when in conflict!  10/12/23

Do either of you feel a bit of tension right now – this moment – between you?” I had stopped a couple mid-sentence in a recent counseling conversation to ask them the question.

They looked at me, then at each other, as if they were assessing the situation. First, the husband and then the wife agreed. They were experiencing tension, though they would not have recognized it as such if I had not stopped to ask.

We talk about PLEDGEtalk being a six-step process to resolve conflict – and then miss the most important time to put it into practice. The time is the VERY moment when you experience even the smallest amount of tension in you, in the person in front of you, or in between you.

PAUSE and start the process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

All too often we don’t notice the tension. Perhaps we are unaware of low levels of tension. We weren’t taught much about emotions or what to do with them so we trained ourselves to ignore them.  Maybe we are too focused on ourselves and what we want to say that we miss seeing the tension. It could also be that we don’t care at that moment – we just want to unload. Unfortunately, in doing any of the above we sail right past the tension, and the wind picks up rather quickly until we are in a full-blown conflict storm.

Instead, PAUSE and start the PLEDGEtalk process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

Another error people make when they first hear me teach PLEDGEtalk is to think that Pausing is only something to do when in conflict, at the beginning of the process. Though I am glad they recognize and may even practice the step of Pause in this way – it is not at all the only time to do so. Throughout any conflict conversation, tensions will rise and fall. My counsel is to pause repeatedly as often as you experience the tension. Sometimes it will be a verbal pause “Excuse me, I’m sorry, I know I just reacted, give me a moment to dial down and do better at communicating (or listening.)”  You take a few deep breaths, remind yourself how this person matters to you, tell yourself they have a story that needs to be heard too, and then you begin again. Sometimes it is an internal pause, where you catch yourself before reacting outwardly. You rehearse the same line of thinking as just written, as you work to stay focused in your listening to hear what the other wants you to hear. This type of “pausing” could take place numerous times in a conflict conversation.

In addition, if we add the idea that we can use the PLEDGEtalk principles in every conversation throughout the day, we will see even more opportunities to Pause! If we just catch ourselves from interrupting others, if we stop reacting to every idea that we don’t agree with, if we don’t take everything personally – and Pause instead – we might be surprised how often we use that first step of PLEDGE.  When I stop and think about it, I bet I pause a hundred times a day or more!  Not saying that to say how good I am as much as to say how reactive I can be!

Just in case you didn’t get the main point in this post, here it is again:

PAUSE and start the PLEDGEtalk process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

What’s your takeaway – leave a sentence below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

If you are new to PLEDGEtalk, download the Infographic by CLICKING HERE and learn how to quiet the storms in your relationships!

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Supporting Grieving – How do you better help a loved one in mourning?

Further thoughts on Supporting a Loved One in Mourning: Practical Tip and Guidance:

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

What does someone need most when they are grieving? Dr. Alan Wolfelt from the Center For Loss & Life Transition, says they need a companion. In his work, Introduction to Companioning the Bereaved he says the following:

“… the word “companion,” when broken down into its original Latin roots, means “messmate”: com for “with” and pan for “bread.” Someone you would share a meal with, a friend, an equal. I have taken liberties with the noun “companion” and made it into the verb “companioning” because it so well captures the type of counseling relationship I support and advocate. That is the image of companioning—sitting at a table together, being present to one another, sharing, communing, abiding in the fellowship of hospitality.”

I love this.

Com means “with” and pan means “bread.”

When we first moved to Wichita, KS we felt like we were supposed to practically live out what it meant to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We began by deliberately looking for and actually creating reasons to get to know our neighbors.

My wife baked cookies or bread and one by one, we delivered them to each one who lived on our block as we introduced our family and told them we were glad we got to be neighbors. We instigated the Neighborhood Watch program on our street specifically so we’d have an excuse to invite all our neighbors together and introduce them to each other. We looked for opportunities to be neighborly, helping one neighbor dig out an old stump from his front yard, and babysitting the children of another neighbor.  Then along with another couple, we began a neighborhood Supper Club. For years we invited all our neighbors up and down our street and some from around the corner to have a potluck dinner together in our home. We had from 8 to 40 people on any given Wednesday night!

All of us experienced the “com” part (being with) as we “panned” together. We broke bread and had a smorgasbord better than any in town! Significant relationships were established between everyone, and we had numerous opportunities to “companion” each other over time. We laughed together and listened to each other’s stories. We loved on and cried with one person whose brother committed suicide, and with a couple who experienced a miscarriage. We even attended funerals together.

We became like family – because of “companioning.”

What does it mean to be a companion?

Webster’s definition is: “one that keeps company with another.”

Our universal experience might say that a companion is someone who comes over to be “with” us, to enjoy us, to listen to us, to help us, to cry with us, to encourage us, or to go through all or even a portion of life with us.

Here are a few practical thoughts:

  • People everywhere and all around us need a companion. Remember at the core of who we are, we are relational beings.
  • Though everyone needs a companion, you can’t be a companion to everyone.
  • Then who are you to be a companion to?
  • In the immediate sense:  anyone around you at any given time, starting with those closest to you. Does your spouse, your child, your friend, or your workout partner sense you being “with” them? Do you listen well, seek to be of help, cry (feel) with them what they are feeling, encourage them, and cheer them on? Do you help them feel not so alone in this world?
  • In the broader sense: Who comes to mind in your circle of influence who might use a companion especially right now? Look around you. Is someone you know struggling in life? Hurting because of a loss through death, divorce, or distance? Do they sense you care because you are “with” them in this part of their journey?
  • Lastly, you need a companion too! It is often hard to admit – even for me – but we also need others to walk with us and help us in our times of need. Again, look around you in your circles of life. Find one person you would most like to be able to be real with about matters of concern in life. Ask them to do lunch or coffee. Share this post with them, and dare to ask if they might be a “companion” and if you could do the same for them.

To watch this week’s video short CLICK HERE!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

In the comments below, tell me one thing you have experienced with someone who was a “companion” to you in some way or another.

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Solving Conflict – How to fight WITH problems instead of others?

Further Thoughts on: Do You Fight With or Against Each Other When in Conflict?

(CLICK HERE to watch the short video!)

Picture the last argument you experienced. You were facing each other pointing out how you were right and the other was wrong.  My guess is the conversation didn’t go very well. In fact, most likely it went from bad to worse – and you wondered why.

Now picture yourself going back in time to that same argument. Before you start the argument – or as soon as you realize an argument has ensued – STOP.

Look at the person in front of you. Do they matter to you? How much? And why? Likely they matter a great deal. Good. Taking this moment to remind yourself of how much they matter can help you with the next few steps.

Think: that person is not your problem. There obviously is a problem or you wouldn’t be in conflict. But that PERSON is not the problem. Neither are you.

Keep thinking: picture the problem as being “out there” that you both have to work on. It is something that happened that needs to be looked at and addressed. Rarely does either party do or say to purposely hurt the other. (And if they did, you have another problem!) Now envision turning away from each other and sitting side by side to look instead towards the problem.

First: decide what is the PROBLEM.

In most conflicts, the PROBLEM is some form of miscommunication.

  • Someone wasn’t listening fully
  • One of you feels misunderstood
  • A tone was used or a word spoken that was hurtful
  • Someone reacted before you were able to explain fully

The PROBLEM could also be some degree of polarization of ideas. Read my ideas on this from last week’s blog post and video by CLICKING HERE. The shortened version is this: when it comes to issues that divide us, we must recognize that we each have arrived at our own views over the course of time based on numerous inputs or experiences. Thus, if we hope to influence someone to view an issue differently, we must keep in mind it will take time, understanding, and different inputs or experiences to possibly persuade them. This requires great patience and the pursuit of relationship over recruitment!

And in most cases, at least to some degree, the PROBLEM stems from sheer self-serving interest.

  • In most conversations, and especially conflict, we default to looking first after our own interests. Unfortunately, when and as we do, it most often leads to poorer communication, more conflict, and an inability to resolve it when it happens.
  • In PLEDGEtalk we speak of the underlying motive for good, healthy, and helpful conversation – being that of love. Saying it another way, we must choose to place the idea of serving others above ourselves. This is similar to what I just wrote, that we must make the pursuit of relationship, more important than the pursuit of recruiting people to see things our way.
Second, after we have determined to at least some degree, what the PROBLEM really is, we turn side by side to work on the problem. 

Image by Tomas Gomez from Pixabay

I am not saying we literally no longer talk face-to-face. If that helps great, if not, fine. What I am saying is, together, work on the PROBLEM – not “work” on the other PERSON. And to do so we use the PLEDGEtalk process to guide the conversation with the motive of love, putting the other person first with each step of PLEDGE.

Recently I was frustrated at Zerrin over how she wanted to spend our evening – and it caused some conflict.

We both felt it. So we STOPPED – or in PLEDGEtalk language, we Paused. Doing so gave me some time to reflect. As I did, I realized I was making some assumptions about Zerrin and judgments. I had to admit to myself, I didn’t know if they were true or not but I could feel a lot of emotional energy around them. As I continued to reflect, I began to think of how we are just different. When we have free time in the evening, she might want to spend it one way, and I another – because of views and ideas about time and life that are different. Not wrong, just different.

Upon understanding the above, I sensed the negative emotional energy draining away and I was able to see the PROBLEM for what it was – and that it wasn’t the PERSON of my wife. This set us up for a later conversation where we shared our thoughts and life experiences leading to some greater understanding and appreciation of each other with no harm done to each other in the way we related. Quite the contrary, love was experienced and greater connection as a result.

When in conflict we must learn to fight WITH each other on the problem itself, not AGAINST each other as if the person is the problem!

Comments? Thoughts? Reflections? I’d love to hear them below!

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Decrease Polarization – How can I have more productive conversations?

Further Thoughts on How To Connect While Decreasing Polarization…

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

It’s probably more true for most of us than we’d like to admit – whenever we differ with someone on important matters we feel disbelief and disdain. What? They don’t think like we think? What is wrong with them?

Unchecked, the feelings lead to a felt disconnect and polarization.

Me against you.

Us against them.

Arguments might ensue as we try to convince the other they are wrong and we are right. Rarely, however, is either side convinced they are in the wrong.

At worst, we separate and no longer wish to associate with each other. At best, our enjoyment of each other is lessened and conversation stays superficial.

One of the essential matters missing when it comes to addressing our differences is a core understanding of why we differ. In the book The Righteous Mind – Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, the author Jonathan Haidt sheds some very important insights into the why.

Haidt talks about the idea that the opinions any one of us hold to regarding divisive issues were not formed simply by our own cognitive processes. We didn’t just sit down one day with the the top ten hot topics and take 3 minutes on each one to think and decide on what side to land.

No!

We have come to the conclusions we have because of a lifetime of experiences, influences, encounters with various people, ideas and perspectives we have read or heard, and more. Our perspectives have been formed over a period of years. This is CRITICAL to keep in mind.

If we have come to our conclusions NOT by a simple rational process, but because of a host of life experiences and influences, no one will change their views through a simple rational discussion, debate or argument. It just won’t happen.

Jonathan Haidt goes on to say that if you even hope to influence another to turn from one way of thinking to another, you must give them a whole new set of experiences, and encounters in life with others who believe differently than themselves.  AND – this too is critical – it must be done in such a way that they open up to other possibilities with curiosity and appreciation of the experience.

For this to happen – relationship is key!  Love and respect for who they are regardless of what they believe is huge.

So your neighbor doesn’t believe the way you do? Don’t respond with disdain and disbelief. Of course they – and many others – disagree with what you believe.  Why? Because of their entire life experience up to that point. Love them as they are. Listen to and validate their story so that you gain a growing understanding of why they think like they do. Then get back to loving on them some more. Over time they just might be interested in what you think and believe and even ask you why. THEN, you tell them your life story and lifetime experiences that brought you to the place of believing what you do. If done graciously, not condescendingly or judgmentally, you just might over time see them re-consider their thinking.

But whether or not they do, we are still mandated to love them!

What strikes you most about what I have written?  Leave a thought below.

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Silent Moments – When should you use silence during interactions?

Further Thoughts on Silence…

Image by Gaertringen from Pixabay

Why is it so hard to be silent with someone?

There are numerous times in life when being quiet or silent is best. We wake up in the morning before anyone else, so we practice silence. We are watching a movie, attending church, or have been called to an important business meeting and must be quiet and silent. We are playing hide and seek with our children or grandchildren and we are silent – unless of course, we are helping them find us. We attend a wedding or a funeral and there are times of silence.

No doubt we can all think of times when we know we should remain silent but it is so hard to do so. Why?

Here are five reasons:

  1. We feel like we SHOULD say something so we do.
  2. It’s uncomfortable to remain in silence.
  3. We get an idea which we interpret as now having something we think is important to say.
  4. We like talking and telling people what we think, so we take silence as a sign of our time to talk.
  5. We aren’t aware there was a need for silence or that silence can be a good or helpful thing.

Note how each reason for why we “can’t” remain silent, has something to do with self being the focus. We feel like WE should say something, we are uncomfortable, we get an idea, or we like talking. And with number five, we haven’t thought long enough to even consider the needs of the moment.

With a simple shift of focus from our self to that of others, we can offer the wonder of silence.

  • When there is silence in a group, it offers others the opportunity to speak up who would not necessarily do so.
  • When silence is uncomfortable like at a funeral, it offers space and time for the one grieving to process their loss even as they are deeply encouraged simply by your presence.
  • When we keep silent rather than immediately expressing our ideas, it can enable us to consider if and when the best time is to share the idea, even as we stay focused on actively appreciating what others are saying.
  • When we remain silent rather than talk because we like talking, we discipline ourselves to become better listeners so that others can experience being heard.
  • And when we stop long enough to consider the need for silence, we become more self-aware enabling us to consider what might be most helpful to all at the moment.

When practiced deliberately and thoughtfully, silence is indeed a wondrous gift we can give to anyone and everyone!

Why else might it be hard to remain silent? What other wonders might take place if we choose to be silent in a given moment rather than give in to the urge to speak?

Leave a comment below to get us thinking!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Words Matter – How do your words affect others?

Further Thoughts on: Do Your Words Matter?

Here’s a very simple exercise:

  1. Take five minutes to write down the names of as many people as you can throughout your life, who have spoken to you with encouraging words (and upbeat tones) – supportive, helpful, positive, or life-giving words. Just write their names, one after another until you run out of time or can’t think of anyone else.
  2. Now take five minutes and write down the names of as many people as you can throughout your life who have spoken discouraging words (and/or negative tones) – hurtful, negative, even death words over you. Again, just write their names, one after another until you run out of time or can’t think of anyone else.

Now – let’s make some observations:

First, looking at your lists above, who have you enjoyed being around more throughout your life? This is really a no-brainer. It easily and quickly shows the impact of words!

Second, do a numbers comparison. If you were to redo the above exercise looking at just the people currently in your life who are positive or negative, how do the numbers balance out? Are there more positive people in your life than negative? That is great and certainly helps with one’s own emotional wherewithal.

Are there more negative people than positive? It stands to reason, you would be good to find some more positive people in your life. I have several good friends and some family members I make extra effort to be around because of who they are and the life-giving words and actions they give to others.

It also might be good to examine the relationships you have with the negative people in your life. Some are unavoidable such as family or people you work around. What can you do with these to bring a more positive experience into the relationship?  OR using the principles of TALK, how could you dialogue with them about the experience you and no doubt others have when they are around them – with the hope of bringing growth and greater connection?

Then there may also be those around you who need not be a part of your close circle, if at all. Think of the Proverbs:

  • “Make no friendship with a man given to anger…”  22:24
  • “A gossip goes around telling secrets so don’t hang around chatterers.” 20:19
  • “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.”  I Cor 15:33

Or quotes:

  • “Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than in bad company.” George Washington
  • “Nothing perhaps affects man’s character more than the company he keeps.” J. C. Ryle

THIRD and lastly – how do people view you? This is a tough one. I fear sometimes people see me as too intense. Or too much of a glass-half-empty person. Or one who complains or is easily frustrated. I see these things in myself enough that it causes me to practice smiling more in the mirror (yes I actually practice this sometimes!) It is what often drives me to take time away from the stresses in life so I can breathe more easily, reflect, pray, and meditate on truths from reading the Bible. And I regularly work at and deliberately choose to speak life words over people whenever I am aware and am given the chance to do so. I want to be a giver of life and love to those around me!

How do you react to what I have written above? Leave a one-word or sentence below to let me know!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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