Decode the Message: Bids for Connection

When a Spouse Seems to Attack

A wife brings her frustrations or hurts to her husband, and he feels attacked. He brushes them off and counters with his own frustrations. Her defenses go up, and she fires back again. Around and around it goes.

But here’s the truth: the wife usually isn’t trying to attack—she’s trying to send a message. The key is to set aside your own immediate reaction and ask:

What is she really saying or wanting?

Simply put, she wants connection.

More fully, she wants the relationship to be one of connection—on every level. She longs to be on the same page, to see eye to eye, to be heard and understood, to make amends, to experience life as teammates, to work well together, and to enjoy a deep, rich bond.

Bids for Connection

John Gottman, the country’s foremost researcher on marriage, calls these attempts “bids for connection.”

Bids are the small, everyday gestures—verbal, physical, or emotional—that reach for closeness. They can be obvious, like saying, “Look at that bird!” or reaching for a hug. Or they can come out sideways, in the form of complaints:

• “You never help out.”

• “You’re always in the garage.”

• “You’re always on your phone.”

On the surface, these sound like attacks. But underneath, they are still bids for connection. Trust me—they are signals that say, “I want to matter to you.”

Three Possible Responses

Gottman found that how partners respond to bids is critical to the health of the relationship. There are three typical responses:

• Turning Toward: Engaging positively with the bid. Example: “Wow, that IS a pretty bird!” Or, when faced with a complaint: “You sound hurt about this. Tell me what’s going on inside.” This builds trust and connection.

• Turning Away: Ignoring or missing the bid—such as being lost in your phone and not responding.

• Turning Against: Responding with irritation or hostility. Example: “Why are you bothering me with that?”

Gottman’s research is sobering. In healthy, lasting relationships, partners turn toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time. In marriages that eventually collapse, that number drops to about 33%. These small moments—repeated day after day—are what make or break emotional intimacy.

Your Turn

So here’s my question for you:
What will you do this week when your spouse—or child, friend, neighbor, or co-worker—makes a bid for connection, whether it comes across as positive or negative?

Will you turn toward, turn away, or turn against?

I’d love to hear your reflections and experiences this week.

—
Mark Oelze
Author & Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com