Listening involves more than you think! It takes work, focus, time, and energy. Are you up for the task? How important is it really? Learn seven critical tools for good listening!
Here is a scenario I see play out in my office over and over again: one spouse wishes the other would speak up more. They are frustrated thinking that the other doesn’t really care to make the relationship work because they won’t talk. I have seen wives who wish their husbands would talk more and husbands who wished the same of their wives. I have seen parents who wish their teens would talk more or team leaders who are frustrated because they can only get a few of their group members to share their ideas. What’s wrong? Why does this happen?
I can tell you one of THE biggest factors has to do with listening.
I shared a PLEDGEtalk Facebook post this week, that said: “Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.”
The person in front of you–whether it is your spouse, your daughter, or the team–won’t believe you are ready and willing to listen unless you are silent.
That means:
- you are looking intently at them.
- you will be sure not to have a frown on your face but an expression that portrays the idea that you care what they have to say.
- you will be patient, for as long as it takes for them to gather their thoughts. And when they do begin talking, you will do everything you can to make sure you don’t interrupt or interject. Instead, you will work hard to stay focused on each word and sentence that comes out of their mouth.
- you will wonder and maybe ask why they chose the words they did to describe how they are feeling or to explain their perspective on a matter.
- you will be intrigued with what they are saying while at the same time actively putting your own thoughts and reactions up on a shelf in your mind. Note I did not say put them under a rug to be buried, but up on a shelf for later. Your ideas, your reactions can’t be your focus–not if you are listening. Makes sense?
- you will keep working at putting your reactions on the shelf while staying SILENT and listening.
- And the only time you will speak is for the purpose of clarifying what the other has said or echoing back to make sure you heard correctly.
THAT is real listening!
When a person finally gets the experience of someone genuinely listening, they believe they matter and find their voice!
Now a few words of caution:
- You may try using the seven tools above and not see the same intended results as I get. Don’t despair or give up. Remember I have been doing this for years as my profession! Go back through the list above to see if you missed anything and keep working at it. It also might take the quiet person awhile to believe that you really are sincere.
- You may use any or all of the above tools and see quick results. Beware. If these tools are not already part of who you are, you will quickly forget them, fall into old patterns, and watch the person in front of you once again fade away into silence. If this happens, take note, admit what you just did (i.e. interrupted, or reacted, or grew impatient, etc.) and ask them if they would continue to share while you work once again at listening well.
- You may grow weary or discouraged when you see how much work it takes to really listen well. You may even be tempted to think “if I have to go through all of that and more just to find out what another person is thinking, it’s not worth it. What they have to say must not be all that important.” You couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rather, they are like a mine full of precious jewels just waiting to be discovered!
Most of the breakthroughs I see in my office between spouses, or between parents and a child come when they learn to really listen. When truly listening, we give the gift of being heard. It’s when tears are most apt to appear, and real connection begins!
Think of the last time you felt really heard by someone. What was it they did to make you feel that way? Let me know below!! I always appreciate your comments–it is encouraging to me as I feel like I am being heard! 🙂
Copyright: iqoncept / 123RF Stock Photo
Thank you for your post. As always, great encouragement Mark! As I read your post I was reminded of the importance James, the brother of Jesus, placed on listening well, in James 1:17-20. Your seven points bring this truth down to a practical level. As I have tried to practice these things with my wife, I must acknowledge it is a matter of self-discipline, (Galatians 5:22-23) and a demonstration of our true concern, love or respect for the person communicating. I have found the distractions, initiated by the Enemy in our relationships, are meant to disrupt or inhibit a potentially great relationship. If we will practice your seven points on a consistent, ongoing basis, the disciplines will become second nature as we transform our minds to glorify God in any conversation or relationship.
Thank you Randy – not only for your encouraging words but for your commitment to using good listening in your relationships. I know you do, because I have been a recipient of those good ears of yours! Thanks brother!
Also, thank you Mark! While my wife and I continue to work on valuing what each other has to say, I know that the recent addition of my mother to our family has also taught me about listening. As I take time to sit with her each week and just… listen. She and I talk about a variety of subjects and I find myself wondering, why is it so hard to listen to my spouse like I do my mother?
I am still learning!
Whew! That can be quite convicting Ed – either way! It makes me think it would be good for all of us to stop and consider: who do we have a harder time listening to in our lives and why? Our spouse? Our parents? Our kids? Our boss? A friend? And then to consider, what change can we make? Thanks Ed for your comments and honesty!