Should you Share Your Thoughts or Not?

LISTEN OR READ!

There I was with two people beside me engaging in a conversation that was not going well. The cause? Both kept dumping more and more thoughts into the pile of words and sentences already on the table. Finally, I stopped them and asked why they kept interrupting each other to state their own opinion. Their reply was: “when she (he) is talking, I have all these thoughts going on in my head, so I figure they must be important and I have to share them.”

My response was something like:  “because you have all kinds of thoughts going through your head only means you are not brain dead. It doesn’t mean they all need to be spoken!” (I tried to say it nicely!)

So what do you do with all those thoughts in your head? How do you know if you should share them?

Think about it: you and I have all kinds of things going through our minds all day long that we don’t speak out. Why then do we think they should all be spoken when in a conversation?

Seriously–having thoughts swirl around in our head just means we’re not brain dead!

Before we share, we must stop and evaluate our thoughts. It is critically important that we regularly pause before we speak not only in the middle of a conflict but in the middle of every conversation. We must get in the habit of evaluating the thoughts in our head.

When are our own thoughts important enough to speak out? How do we know?

Consider this: a person speaking is seeking to share a story, explain a concept, give reasons for an action taken, or something similar. When YOU are that person, what are you hoping those around you will do? Interrupt? Tell a bigger story? Spout off and say why your concept is wrong? Tell what actions THEY would have taken in a similar situation?  Not likely.

Instead, if you are like me, you would prefer first and foremost that your listener stays WITH you. That is to say, that they engage in the conversation in such a way that you continue to feel valued by what you have to say. They listen well without interjecting their own thoughts. And when they finally do, they first speak in some way to show appreciation for your thoughts. Maybe they even add to them by clarifying what you said or sharing something that would provoke further thought or insight into the subject. The LAST thing you want (but unfortunately the most common thing) is for someone to immediately take control of the conversation or switch the topic to something of their own liking while leaving you in the dust.

A personal example:

Think of the last time you were sitting around a table with your family or a group of friends. For me, it was when my wife and I were with our girls just a couple weeks ago at the Cheesecake Factory. Great time, great food, and awesome company! Each of us was taking time to share about events and challenges in our lives. When it came time for me to share, I began doing so only to be interrupted by the waiter asking if we wanted more water. Moments later, a new course of food was brought to the table interrupting the conversation once again. Then different ones around the table wanted to try some of the food on the plate next to them or across from them. With one distraction after another, I began feeling like what I had to say wasn’t that important! I know this is a very common experience we have all had.

What typically happens next? All too often, unfortunately, the conversation never comes back around to the original person speaking or to what he or she was talking about. The group is no longer WITH that person. Other people’s thoughts are now front and center. And the original person speaking feels left behind. Can you relate?

Here’s a question: how often do you THINK about dynamics like these when in a conversation with others?

All too often we don’t. Instead, we are simply more concerned about speaking out our own thoughts as if that were the more important matter. In so doing, we fail to value the person in front of us who is speaking.

The rest of the Cheesecake Factory story turned out differently. After each interruption, someone at the table turned back towards me and said in some way:  “So Dad, you were saying…??” It was incredible. I felt loved and honored. My family thought more about me at those moments than they did themselves. It’s not to say they didn’t have their own thoughts or a new conversation they wanted to start, but they put it aside in order to first stay WITH me and value what I was sharing.

Today and all week, I offer this challenge:

When in a conversation with your spouse, your child, a friend, a boss, a co-worker–or anyone else–and they are speaking, stay WITH them. Keep focused on what they are saying. Don’t try to “one-up” them, argue their point, or tell them where they are wrong. Stay focused and listen. Be genuinely interested in what THEY have to say. Go further whenever possible to even verbalize that you appreciate that they shared. Be prepared to catch them if they faint from shock!

Finally, I know this still begs the question: when do I share my thoughts? Are they important too? Great question.  What do you think?

Tell me your thoughts below (no pun intended.) Seriously! I’d love to hear from you.