Hi.
Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It’s a really important question for all of us today! Here’s why:
I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.
So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk – that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?
I had stepped into what I believe most of us do when we first encounter someone who disagrees with us–debate mode. And I was out to win!
There is an irony in DEBATE, that is so often missed. The person stating their case is seeking an audience-whether it is a hundred or one-who will listen intently to them and give thoughtful consideration to what is being said. They are hoping to be heard and seen as right.
I understand and appreciate that. I want to be heard too as was evidenced by my efforts to drive home my points with my wife in the conflict alluded to earlier.
It is also what we are seeing all around us now, whether it is masks and Covid19, Black Lives Matter, De-funding Police, CHOP Zones or Trump vs Biden. It is all about debating one’s point, hoping to be heard and seen as right.
Herein lies the irony. Though debaters expend great amounts of energy and often go to great lengths to get others to listen to them, they expend very little energy or effort to listen to another.
It’s a shame. Or a sham. And it’s what most of us do when in conflict!
Whatever happened to the golden rule?
If you want someone to really listen to and understand you, will you do the same for them?
I wonder what just might happen if the democrats and republicans sat down together to really listen and LEARN from each other. Or if supporters and non-supporters of Black Lives Matter BOTH committed to listening and learning from each other?
Whether on a small scale (my wife and I) or large scale (police and those who created the capital hill autonomous zone), I am convinced we all have much to learn if we just paused long enough to listen – but I mean REALLY listen. To do so, both sides must enter a DIALOGUE rather than a debate, with the firm conviction that both could learn from the other.
As I further reflected on my manner of communication with my wife, I realized just that. I needed to step out of debate mode and enter into dialogue mode. You see when I am in debate mode, what matters most is that I win, regardless of the cost to others. Ouch.
That’s not love. It’s not respectful. That is not how I want to be treated by others, and that’s really not how I want to treat them.
No, winning is not what life and relationships is all about, unless it is winning together. That is the goal of dialogue, and that is the way of PLEDGEtalk!
The next time you find yourself in the debate mode because of a conflict, large or small, I challenge you to join me and pause. Then re-enter the conversation in a dialogue mode so that you both might listen to learn and even win together!
Please let me know your thoughts!
Thanks,
Mark Oelze
Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk
two people arguing their point to the boss
Debate or discuss that is the question! It is interesting that even in a school debate, interruptions or exclamations that disrupt the speaker or are excessively rude are not allowed, yet we do those very things when in conflict with those we love!
Pledgetalk gives us the tools to avoid debating and instead meaningful discussion take it’s place.
So good Ed – and so right! If we practiced in our relationships what we have learned in other places like school debates – it just might bring about a significant positive effect!!
Very good article. We slip into debate mode so automatically! As we try to listen and dialogue, we need to remember that many people have been deprived of the privilege of being heard. For them, their drive to be heard escalates quickly. That is another reason it is so important to listen to a person’s story, and find out what context they are speaking from. Thank you for the reminder and transparency!
You are welcome Susan! Listening well to other people’s story is SO IMPORTANT! And it models to others what we desire ourselves! Thanks for commenting!