Hot Topics–What You Can Do When They Come Up

Zerrin and I had a great conversation with our son Micah recently that involved some hot topics. He lives in Miami and teaches History at Florida International University. Micah was telling us about some hot topics he has with his students. BUT AS WE TALKED, OUR CONVERSATION MORPHED INTO SOME HOT TOPICS BETWEEN US AND HIM! They were areas where we differ politically. Whew! Thankfully, the more we talked, the more we saw how we weren’t so different after all in our primary concerns.

I mentioned to Micah how I appreciated the conversation, and THEN he said this: “Dad, there are more talks like this that would be good for us to have, but we will only be able to do it to the degree we are willing to use the 6th step of the PLEDGEtalk process, that of Engage. Only when we are willing to Engage in conversation in areas that could potentially cause conflict will we be able to have more good conversations like this.”

Great point!

I had to agree.

I spend most of my time and writing detailing how to follow a healthy path to process conflict. We must learn how to do so, or our relationships will crumble.

Then there are whole different levels of conversation–hot topics–to be had that we avoid altogether because they might cause conflict.

Sadly, by choosing not to enter into discussions on hot topics we miss significant learning opportunities. A corollary thought certainly would be, if we don’t follow a healthy path to guide us through the hot topic discussions, we also miss learning from each other. In our family–on the surface at least–we have differing viewpoints in politics, in our spiritual life, and how we live life in general. The more we listen and understand each other, however, the more we are learning from each other and the closer relationally we are becoming.

Healthy and helpful conversations require that we engage the entire PLEDGEtalk process to talk through areas where we differ.

We have to PAUSE–and do so repeatedly. Again, and again, and again. Why? Because it is difficult for any one of us to keep from reacting to what others might say. We must discipline ourselves to keep our emotions in check and remind ourselves of the greater purposes of our conversation. Then too, it is imperative that we LISTEN to really understand. All too often we are guilty of listening just long enough to build up our defense before we jump in! This is rarely productive but only intensifies the conflict. Instead, we must focus on staying in the listening mode. Often it includes asking for further information by saying something as simple as “can you tell me more about…”  After listening, it is helpful to ECHO back what the other party has spoken to make sure we heard correctly. This is followed by some kind of validating remark such as “I can see why you think that” which DISARMS the tension between us. And finally, each person or group must have the opportunity to GIVE their perspective while the other takes their turn at Pausing, Listening, Echoing, and Disarming.

At the end of our conversation with Micah, both Zerrin and I agreed we would choose to ENGAGE even in the most difficult topics as a family, the hot topics–while using, of course, all the principles of PLEDGEtalk. It is not easy–but I am confident that to the degree we do, we will have amazing conversations.

I believe you can too! Keep working at PLEDGEtalk!!!!