How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

What do I do, I thought.

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

• Reacting
• Fighting back
• Being defensive
• Standing up for my rights
• Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

• Showing them I heard them
• Seeking to understand them and their story
• Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
• Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.