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It’s probably more true for most of us than we’d like to admit – whenever we differ with someone on important matters we feel disbelief and disdain. What? They don’t think like we think? What is wrong with them?

Unchecked, the feelings lead to a felt disconnect and polarization.

Me against you.

Us against them.

Arguments might ensue as we try to convince the other they are wrong and we are right. Rarely, however, is either side convinced they are in the wrong.

At worst, we separate and no longer wish to associate with each other. At best, our enjoyment of each other is lessened and conversation stays superficial.

One of the essential matters missing when it comes to addressing our differences is a core understanding of why we differ. In the book The Righteous Mind – Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, the author Jonathan Haidt sheds some very important insights into the why.

Haidt talks about the idea that the opinions any one of us hold to regarding divisive issues were not formed simply by our own cognitive processes. We didn’t just sit down one day with the the top ten hot topics and take 3 minutes on each one to think and decide on what side to land.

No!

We have come to the conclusions we have because of a lifetime of experiences, influences, encounters with various people, ideas and perspectives we have read or heard, and more. Our perspectives have been formed over a period of years. This is CRITICAL to keep in mind.

If we have come to our conclusions NOT by a simple rational process, but because of a host of life experiences and influences, no one will change their views through a simple rational discussion, debate or argument. It just won’t happen.

Jonathan Haidt goes on to say that if you even hope to influence another to turn from one way of thinking to another, you must give them a whole new set of experiences, and encounters in life with others who believe differently than themselves.  AND – this too is critical – it must be done in such a way that they open up to other possibilities with curiosity and appreciation of the experience.

For this to happen – relationship is key!  Love and respect for who they are regardless of what they believe is huge.

So your neighbor doesn’t believe the way you do? Don’t respond with disdain and disbelief. Of course they – and many others – disagree with what you believe.  Why? Because of their entire life experience up to that point. Love them as they are. Listen to and validate their story so that you gain a growing understanding of why they think like they do. Then get back to loving on them some more. Over time they just might be interested in what you think and believe and even ask you why. THEN, you tell them your life story and lifetime experiences that brought you to the place of believing what you do. If done graciously, not condescendingly or judgmentally, you just might over time see them re-consider their thinking.

But whether or not they do, we are still mandated to love them!

What strikes you most about what I have written?  Leave a thought below.