For various reasons, I suspect almost everyone is afraid of conflict. Because of this, we do all we can to avoid it. This includes redefining conflict as something other than what we are currently experiencing. We think, as long as we aren’t ______________  (fill in the blank) we aren’t really having conflict. As long as we aren’t physical with each other, or yelling, or using hurtful language, or… we aren’t in conflict. The result? Much of the conflict we experience is never attended to. We brush past it because we don’t see it for what it is – real conflict. It may be low-level conflict in your eyes, but it is nevertheless, still conflict. The danger of not attending to low-level conflict is that frustration and resentment builds until we have a full-blown conflict, which is nearly impossible to manage.

Address conflict even when it’s in its infancy stage!

Here’s the good news: if you know PLEDGEtalk, you can do this. Simply say something like: “Hey I think something just happened between us that doesn’t feel right. ‘I said this and you said or did that’ (or ‘You said this and I said or did that’). Can we stop a moment (pause!) and back up to see what just happened?” Then volunteer to LISTEN first, then ECHO, and then DISARM the tension by validating what the other shares.

QUESTION: Why would you not do this?

Some might say: “that would take too much time!”

• That might indeed be true – especially at first.

• At the same time (see how I did that? I did not use the word BUT), think of how much time is lost because you both feel the disconnect even from low-level conflict. And, when things blow up you waste hours, days, weeks, or even longer because of the fighting and distance between each other.

Others might say: “that sounds like a lot of work!”

• And again I would say, yes – it takes a lot of work!

• I would also add – it is the best kind of work! Building strong relationships will pay HUGE benefits throughout your lifetime!

And still others might say: “it’s simply too scary to address conflict even if it is low-level conflict.”

• That makes sense. Even I often feel the discomfort when engaging in conflict conversations.

• Here’s what helps the scariness: learning PLEDGEtalk like the back of your hand. When you practice the principles every day in every conversation, they become a part of who you are. So when conflict happens you will know exactly what to do. Add to that, when you and your partner, or friend or co-worker both know the process and agree to use it, all the better.  You might ask what to do if they don’t know PLEDGEtalk. Good question – ask them if you can share it with them so you can both better your communication with each other and create a strong relationship!

Over this past weekend, my wife and I had a pretty significant conflict. Because we were in different parts of the country we were forced to pause for a few days until we were together again. The good news is we had an AMAZING conflict conversation, all guided by PLEDGEtalk! You can learn to do the same.

A final thought…

One of the biggest reasons we don’t attend to conflict at all – whether it is low-level or full-blown conflict – is because it requires us to work on ourselves and change! I know this is true. As Zerrin and I talked through our conflict last night I learned more about myself and one specific area that I needed to do some work on me! I remind myself though, it is the best kind of work!!!

Hope that helps for the week – now practice all the above over the weekend. Engage the PLEDGEtalk process with any and all conflict you might experience!

(If you need a review of PLEDGEtalk, download the infographic HERE!)

What might make you hesitant to address even low-level conflict?  Leave a comment below!