Problems, Problems. Which Ones Do We Talk About?

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Regularly we find ourselves being slightly annoyed to downright furious at what we see as problems in others. What are we to do? Should we talk about them? How do we know?

I can’t say there are clear and hard fast rules that apply to everyone and all the time. BUT here are some practical considerations:

First, think of a continuum – from small problems to LARGE PROBLEMS.

Small problems: on a one to ten scale, consider the small problems being from one to three. These are issues like:

• That driver who can’t tell the difference between a red and a green light. Are they color blind?
• The spouse that leaves the toothpaste lid off sitting on the counter. Now the paste in the tube is drying up.
• A co-worker who chews loudly when eating his lunch at his desk. Doesn’t he know others can hear?
• A friend who is more concerned about how she looks than watching the time to get someplace. Doesn’t she see the clock?

Ok take a moment and feel the irritation. (Moment) Now ask yourself:  does it really matter?

My suggestions on whether or not to talk about the small problems:

1. Generally speaking, let them go.
2. Practice patience and mercy. Maybe the driver IS color blind! Just put the lid on the toothpaste and be thankful your spouse brushes their teeth! Turn up the music in your earbuds when your co-worker is eating or sing a song in your head using the chomping as a metronome. And be glad you have a friend!
3. Then thank those around you for being patient with you in all the ways no doubt you might get on their nerves too!
4. Consider this instead:  these minor irritations might really be shining a light on areas in your own life that would be helpful to change. The need to be more patient, to give more grace, to learn how to appreciate people who aren’t just like you.

Medium problems on a one to ten scale, consider these to be from four to a seven. Issues like:

• Someone spending the available funds more freely than you would.
• A friend who claims to have certain values in her life but the way she lives, makes you wonder.
• You witness everyone shutting down in a team meeting in response to a leader’s reply to a question. Everyone but the leader seemed to notice the quiet that settled in.
• A spouse says or does something that hurts, and then walks away like he doesn’t notice or even worse, he doesn’t care.
• A teenager spouts off and storms to their room.

LARGE PROBLEMS on a one to ten scale consider these to be from eight to ten. Issues like:

• A spouse having an affair
• A boss or co-worker dipping from the funds
• A friend who is ruining his or her life through an addiction
• A parent who is out of control emotionally or physically with a child
• A child who is threatening self-harm

When discussing Medium and LARGE PROBLEMS:

1. Ask yourself:
   1. What’s your why for bringing it up? Are you feeling ripped off? Like you don’t deserve this kind of treatment? Are you angry and done with the person? Wanting to give them a bit of the same treatment they have given you? If your why is somehow to hurt a person back, then don’t bring it up. It will only lead to further destruction of the relationship. If on the other hand, you really care about the person(s), if they really matter to you, keep reading.
   2. What kind of thought have you given to bringing up the concern? Have you considered the timing and what you might say? How about your tone of voice? What are some different ways you could speak your concern?
   3. Are you seeking ultimately their good and the good of those around you? This clarifies your motive.
   4. Are you safe in bringing up the concern? While not the final determining factor, this is still an important obvious consideration. If not, look for ways to make it safe. Where, when, and how matters. Consider bringing someone with you – a mutual friend, co-worker, Pastor, counselor or family member.

2. Here’s how to bring it up:

1. Express care and respect for the person, indicating you value the relationship.
2. Start the conversation off something like:  “When this happens (this being a concern like any of the above), this is what happens in me (explain the hurt, anger, sadness, fear, etc) or what I see happening in those around you. Can we talk about it?”

3. THEN use the principles of PLEDGEtalk. If you don’t know them well or at all, learn them HERE.

4. When to get help. With the larger problems (and many medium problems too), it is almost always necessary to involve others for support, encouragement, knowledge, and wisdom. I underline necessary!

5. Be courageous. It is hard and scary, even for me. But if we care, it must be done.

6. Be humble. We all have much to learn. We don’t know the story behind what they are doing. We are far too quick to judge and too slow at seeking to understand.

7. Think of the rule:  “Do unto others what you would want them to do unto you.”  In all of what you do and say, keep in mind how you would hope someone would seek to help you if you were the one being approached.

There is obviously much more that could be written on these matters. What questions do you have? What would you add to this discussion? Leave your comments below!