Copyright: stockbroker / 123RF Stock Photo
We all need a friendship or want one. Someone might object and say that is not true for them–they are fine on their own. But that’s not really true. We were made for relationship. It is part of our DNA. When you or I deny this, it is only because we have been hurt by one or more who have claimed to be our friend. We don’t want to be hurt again, so we lie to ourselves in order to silence the inner cry for relationship. Sadly, it leads to a life of loneliness, boredom, and bitterness. We were never meant to be alone. The greatest joys in life are experienced in relationships with others.
So what about that friendship? How do you go about creating one, or making the ones you have even better? And what is the power in a true friendship?
You have to know a KEY! It is found in an ancient Proverb!
Zerrin and I have three children. Along the way, we’ve been very blessed to have others call us Mom and Dad as well. As our kids approached school age, we taught them a KEY to a great friendship. It is found in an ancient proverb–a wise saying. It says: “He who wants friends must make himself friendly.” We taught them the same proverb again when they went to middle school, high school, and college. Each of our children practiced the proverb well and have wonderful friends to this day wherever they go. And one day I have no doubts, they will be married to a best friend!
Those who want a friendship must make themselves friendly.
The obvious question is: how do you make yourself friendly?
There are many ways, of course, such as encouraging someone, standing up for them, giving them something of value, or going out of your way to help them. No real surprise here–we have heard this before.
I want to talk about a more specific way that involves the way we relate to them. Our daughter is working on a massive project, a curriculum that she hopes one day will be adopted by schools to lead children into the experiential knowledge of how to make and keep friends. She calls it The PLEDGE of Friendship. She is taking the principles of PLEDGEtalk and applying them to building friendships!
Think of how this might work for you.
First, remember the principles of PLEDGEtalk:
- Pause
- Listen
- Echo
- Disarm/Declare
- Give
- Engage
Intentionally apply PLEDGEtalk to your friendships.
Now imagine you are with a person with whom you would like to build a friendship. Here is how:
PAUSE: might I suggest you think more–a LOT more–about the principle of pause? To become a good friend, it is critical that you pause before you speak. Pause to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it!
Another Proverb (18:21 KJV) says: “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue!” Everything you and I say has the power to tear someone down or lift them up; bring them low as to the grave, or raise them up as to bring them life.
I have been shamed, called names, yelled at, and poked fun at. No doubt you have too. I am thankful I can also say I have been deeply encouraged, shown great care and love, and felt strongly supported by the words of others. Death and life–in the power of the tongue.
No doubt also, you and I have experienced times when words came out of our mouths and we wished we could have a do-over! I look back and shudder at comments I have made in the past towards my wife and others. Our words can bring great pain and sorrow to our relationships.
Each of us would do well to practice PAUSING a lot more than we do in our conversations. Mastering this principle alone would go a long way towards creating or improving a friendship!
LISTEN: listen to really understand that person you are hoping to befriend or with whom you want to develop a deeper friendship! There are realities being experienced in their life or world that they want to share with someone. Be that someone!!! And you will make a friend!
ECHO: when you are able to echo back what someone has said, it shows that person how much you care because of how well you listened! It will deepen the friendship.
DECLARE: when someone shares their thoughts or ideas, declare in some way that you appreciate what they said, or see value in their point of view. Thank them for sharing. I have a friend who does this with me regularly. Each time I experience his genuine care for me and our friendship is strengthened.
GIVE: your thoughts when invited OR ask to give your thoughts. Consider how this might better a conversation. Rather than each party jumping in with whatever they have to say whenever they want, mutual respect is demonstrated throughout a conversation as time is given for each one to speak. I wrote more about the power of this here.
ENGAGE: make each of the PLEDGEtalk steps a daily part of how you engage with others and in so doing you will be “making yourself friendly.”
Use PLEDGEtalk to make yourself friendly and experience its POWER:
John Gottman, nationally renowned therapist and researcher on successful marriages, in his New York Times best-selling book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work says he has found that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”
Beautiful.
In her article, Beyond the Classroom: The importance of friendship for success in school, Laurie Futterman says: “Children are not born with social skills. Parents need to help prepare them to interact successfully with peers.”
Yes of course! Why not start by teaching your children PLEDGEtalk?
Jane Collingwood, in her blog post, The Importance of Friendship, references Tom Rath, Gallup Organization’s director, and Time Magazine saying: “Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee.”
Totally makes sense! Having good friends at a job has always improved my work!
Practice the PLEDGE of Friendship every day to improve your marriage, have better relationships with children, and enjoy going to work!
Remember: “He or she who wants friends must make themselves friendly.”
As you finish reading this, will you “make yourself friendly” to me by doing one or the other of these?
- Share with me whom will you implement the PLEDGE of friendship? Leave me a comment below. It will be encouraging to me and build our friendship!!
- Share this with one person today!
Thanks, Mark. I thought this was very timely. I wear a lot of hats and keep a lot of plates in the air, so it is hard for me to have time to develop friendships. However, we have recently become empty nesters, and I realize I have lost connections with former friends. I need to brush off my friendship skills. This was a nice nudge in the right direction.
Glad to hear Susan! In our busy lives – it truly is a good thing to set aside time for friendships, starting with our spouse if married!
Thank you for this post Mark! Your daughter is wise when she is taking this transferable concept in The Pledge into the area of developing friendships. Very practical and applicable. Reminds me of Philippians 2:3 as we consider pausing and listening, showing our “genuine” interest in others. These steps will draw others into friendship. Not using this as manipulation to gain their friendship, but simply an introduction or invitation to grow the friendship to eventually become trustworthy and transparent with one another. This is truly unique and special, but desired and needed by many of us.
Thanks Randy! I often think of that verse in Philippians! I like the Berean Literal Bible version the most when it says:
“do nothing according to self-interest or according to vain conceit, but in humility be esteeming one another surpassing themselves.” It is a bit archaic but the meaning is to stop in those moments of interaction and be willing and even eager to demonstrate to others their surpassing value. I want people to experientially know when they are talking to me that what they have to say REALLY matters! And so I am more than willing to let them speak and listen well, thereby indicating their value to me, to those around them and to God! And you are so right when you said at the end of your comment that this is so “desired and needed by many (all!) of us!”
I have recently shortened my friendship circle while adding one new friend to that circle. With this new friend, I will be sharing the PLEDGEtalk online course and principles to set a high standard of how we will treat each other moving forward.
Chris – I am always greatly encouraged hearing from you and how you are taking the PLEDGEtalk messages to all of your relationships! Thank you for sharing what you are doing so the rest of us might take the hint and do the same!!!