Don’t make it your goal to WIN when you are in a conflict! THAT mentality will lead to the ruin of your relationships!

Now you might say “I’m not out to win! I just want to get him to see my point!”

OR:  “She is always right. I can’t take it anymore. She has to see there are other ways of looking at things!”

I get it.

I understand both ideas. Frustrating experiences for sure.

Maybe if I define what I mean by “win” you might find it more helpful. Here’s how I would define having a “win” mindset when you enter into a conversation or argument:

• when the number one goal is to be sure YOU are being heard
• when you know you are right and you are doing all you can to make sure the other person knows it
• when you are doing more talking than listening
• when what you are listening for is all the errors in thinking that the other person mention
• when consciously or subconsciously there is the idea that there is only one right answer and you have it.

The “win mindset” is most noticeably present:

• when you know you are being reactive
• when you experience some kind of anger – whether it is irritation, frustration, aggravation, rage, being ticked, or just plain anger.

What can we do when we discover we have a “win” mindset that is driving us and damaging our relationship?

Ask yourself what you want most.  To win or be winsome?  I fear for your relationships if winning stays the predominant focus. But if you sought to be winsome – you might positively affect the relationship.

Winsome comes from the Old English wynn, meaning “joy” or “pleasure.” (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)

A verse in the Bible, Romans 12: 20, 21 says:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Whereas the person you are having conflict with may not be your “enemy,” the principles still apply. What if instead of fighting to be right, we sought instead to overcome our differences by changing focus and doing something good for or to the other?  What if we did acts of kindness, or sought to bring them joy? And what if we spent more time working on ourselves than working on changing the other?

By “offering them a drink” or food for their hunger, could we become winsome in our approach and maybe in doing so, even win some?

Just some thoughts.

What are your thoughts in relation to mine?  Leave them below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk