It’s a question that is often posed when I teach on conflict resolution. In truth, we all have the tendency to think WE are!

Recently a friend and I were discussing a matter and I felt myself getting tense. He wasn’t getting it! I knew what I had to say was “right.” The problem was he didn’t. So obviously I had to convince him. The harder I tried however, the more frustrated I became. He still wasn’t getting it! My friend was getting increasingly flustered, appearing unsure how to explain his side any more clearly than he already had. A kettle like conflict was brewing, and the whistle was about to blow.

When I teach the PLEDGEtalk principles, I speak of the occurrence of conflict being like that of a collision between two vehicles at a crossroads. Besides the immediate concern of everyone being ok, questions loom: what happened? Who was at fault? And who had the right of way?

None of us like to be wrong, let alone admit when we are. We want to be right – and see to it that others agree. That’s a problem, especially when it comes to resolving conflict.

When assessing who is at fault in an accident, Insurance adjusters use a term called “comparative negligence.” Through their investigation, adjusters determine the degree to which each driver was wrong. For example, one driver might have been 80% at fault, and the other 20%. Though clearly different in this case, both were still at fault to some degree. In most cases of conflict between two people, it is very similar. Both are to blame, at least to some degree or another. Maintaining the posture of being right will never lead to resolve. Instead, both must be willing to examine their part in the conflict and admit their wrong, regardless of the percent of the “wrongness.”

Examine with me, an age old illustration to practice what I just wrote. It is the illustration of the glass half full. Or is it half empty? Which is it? How often have you answered that with a bit of laughter saying: “well of course, it is ____________” And everyone laughs with you, even those who claim to know otherwise, claiming it is just the opposite of what you purport.

Here is my question: are you sure the glass is half full or half empty? Do you KNOW you are right? How strongly would you hold to your position?

Now I ask – what if I were to say that both of you are wrong? Well, I tell you in this case–as in most cases of conflict–it is true. You are both wrong! There is another answer I will share in a moment.

First, back to the conversation with my friend. As the tension grew and I became more insistent on what I had to say, I finally remembered what I have spent the better part of my life teaching others to do when in conflict…listen to understand. Not until I began to put that into practice did the conversation begin to change for the good — starting with my frustration level decreasing. This happened in part because I was no longer focused on getting my friend to see my viewpoint. Instead my focus shifted as I sought to understand his. When that happened, I began to see there were things right and good in both of our perspectives. I wasn’t all right or all wrong. Neither was he. We both began to relax as we came to see and appreciate both sides of the story.

Later I pondered, what’s more important: being right or loving right? (Tweet this!)

I hope you know that wasn’t a hard question for me to answer. Loving the right way especially when in conflict, is challenging to put into practice at times but worth it every time.

Oh–and back to the glass illustration. Is it half full–or half empty? The truth is this. Are you ready?

It is BOTH!

The glass is truly half full of water AND half empty. It is both at the same time! This is the case with our conflict the vast majority of the time. Both sides have it right to a degree and wrong to a degree, or at least incomplete. Both have much to learn from the other–and they will–if they take turns to listen well and understand what the other is saying.

Here’s my challenge: this weekend, catch yourself whenever you think “you are right” and go back to your spouse, your child, or a friend and ask them to tell you more what they were thinking or feeling over a matter. Listen well. Seek to understand them. Watch the difference it will make in your relationship. THEN come back here and post to tell me one thing you learned from doing this!!

Twice recently I have been asked: “What do you do when your spouse won’t talk?” Good question. No doubt most all of us have faced that at some time or another. We want connection with others. Two-way connection. But what about when your child or teenager isn’t talking? Or a friend suddenly stops talking? What do you do?

Those are all important questions – at least if relationships matter to you. And honestly – I know that is all of us. Sometimes we tell ourselves, I don’t need her or him, but the truth is relationships DO matter to all of us. There is something in our design as humans, that we need relationships.

So what do we do when someone that matters to us, shuts down, shuts up, or shuts us out?

First, be aware of your own frustration when it happens.

Giving way to your own frustrations will only exacerbate the situation. Resist the temptation. Temporarily walk away if necessary, rather than giving in to the urge to express your anger to feel better. You will both be happier you did.

Second, keep in mind there is always a reason why a husband, a child, or a friend isn’t talking.

Be intrigued. Wonder to yourself, why aren’t they talking? Consider ideas like the following:

• Did something negative happen between you and them recently?
• Could you have said or done something that caused hurt or shame, resulting in them shutting down?
• If this is a person you used to get along with fine, when did things change? Wonder why.
• Perhaps something difficult happened that day and they have pulled inside their shell. What happened?
• What have the important relationships been like in their life? Angry? Shaming? Hurtful? Maybe they are hesitant to open up with others as a result.
• Do they not see or understand the importance of talking? Do they feel like they have anything valuable to say?
• Do they talk much with anyone? If so, with whom and what about?

Reflecting on questions like these can yield valuable insights.

As a science teacher for nearly 300 children, my wife sees children with a wide array of behaviors. Often she wonders what is happening with little Johnnie or Suzie when they act the way they do. Regularly, when she takes time to focus on the child, she learns of difficulty in their home or how they were hurt by another child. Valuable data.

We all get quiet at times. Just remember: there is a reason why. As a teacher or parent, spouse or friend, we must patiently seek to discover the why, rather than impatiently telling them to shape up or shrugging it off with a whatever attitude.

Third, note out loud what you see happening.

Say for example, “I realized just now that you shut down – you stopped talking.” Then ask if they are willing to talk about why. If not, let them know you will be willing to listen and talk about it whenever they are ready. Then get up and get back with your day so they don’t feel pressured right there and then to start talking. A word of caution: if they do come back to talk, take great care to listen well. If you are defensive, they may never come back to talk again.

Fourth, be ok with silence.

Sometimes a person simply will not speak, no matter what you say or do. You need to be ok with that. While you might wish they would open up and talk to you, you must love them as they are. Think about it: none of us have it all together in life. If we are honest we know areas in our lives that we would like to change but don’t know how or seem to have the courage or motivation to do so. Whereas we need encouragement from others to spur us on, we also appreciate their patience. We want to know we are still ok in their book right now, and all throughout the process of change.

I remember a time when my son was having a huge meltdown as an 8-year-old. I wasn’t sure at all how to help him. I prayed and sensed God reminding me of what He does with me when I am a mess. He remains present and loves me. With that, I was prodded to do the same with my son. I went into his room and sat at the foot of his bed, quietly waiting, reaching out with a touch on occasion, until he finally calmed down and laid quietly on his bed.

Sometimes our quiet, assuring presence is the best part of us we can give to another. (Tweet this)

One final point–to the non-talker: your voice matters!

It took me years to figure this out, and to be honest, I am still learning. You see, my nature is to be much more of a listener than a talker. Growing up I often felt that what I had to say wasn’t good enough. I remember times of great shame when I did speak up. As a result, I kept much of what I thought inside.

I didn’t understand that each of our voices, including mine, is important. But they are. What you and I have to say in conversations matter. It may appear that others don’t think so, but it does. Take courage and speak. You will have to learn how to do so without demanding that others listen, and without cowering like a mouse. That will come in time as you work at it. But you must begin to speak.

In sum, for the one who wishes others would talk:

• • Don’t let your frustration make things worse.
  • Keep in mind, there is always a reason why they are not talking.
  • Note out loud what you see happening.
  • Be ok with silence.

Your assignment this week: take time to wonder about those around you who may rarely share what they think.

In sum, for the one who is quiet:

• Your voice matters.
• Take courage; you will learn as you go.
• Begin to speak.

Your assignment this week: dare to speak what is on your mind and make a difference.

 

**LEARN MORE at:  https://learnpledgetalk.com  It is our latest project – an online learning community with courses, weekly communication tips by me, a community interacting about how to do relationships well, and a lot more.  PLUS – it is free, for real! ~Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk (Update as of June 2022)

 

Then leave a comment below about your experience!