As a marriage counselor for over 30 years, I have spent a lot of time watching couples communicate their frustrations to each other. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about HOW to communicate!
Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it. I agree. That is the reason for one immediate suggestion I would make to most couples – and really everyone when in conversation. It is this: slow down the conversation so you can think more about how to communicate.
At times when I give counsel to two people in conflict, I interrupt them in the middle of a discussion. I ask them to simply STOP talking. Then I look at each of them intently, back and forth, in total silence for a few moments.
When I begin again to speak, I do so quietly and slowly – all very deliberately to help them experience something new…
- I want their minds to stop spinning and their emotional reactions to come to a standstill. Remember, when we are full of anger, hurt and anxiety, the rational part of the brain tends to shut down so we can’t think straight.
- I want them to know what it is like to step away from pressing their own agenda. All too often when in a conversation where there is conflict what’s on our mind is what’s on our mind…our agenda. And we are out to get the other person to hear us. Never mind the thought that they might want to be heard too.
- I want to bring them to a place where instead they can begin to listen. To really listen and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings.
Here’s what is likely to happen for all of us when we slow down our conversations and think more about how to communicate by genuinely listening:
- we will gain fresh or further understanding of each other;
- that will pave the way for us to experience empathy for the other;
- this, in turn, helps the other feel cared for once again;
- and that leads to the renewal of connection – what we both long for and are trying to achieve by our talking.
There is a time to voice our concerns as I teach in the TALK class, but never forget there is equally if not even more so, a need to LISTEN!
So this week simply STOP talking. Seek to slow down your conversations. It will likely require you to give up much of what you want to say so that you might call to mind the equally important task of listening. And when you do – listen that is – carefully observe the difference it makes in you, in the other, and between you. Test and see if the points above come true for you!
Leave a comment/question below or email: mark@pledgetalk.com
