May 2018 - PLEDGEtalk

PAUSE! (A GUEST POST BY Chris Greenlee:)

When I was first introduced to PLEDGEtalk, the first step: pause – immediately impacted my life because I began to pause before I spoke. Now, for those like me – who like to talk – you might relate to my view. For those that already pause before you speak (I commend you) – allow me to explain: it isn’t that I want to dominate conversations, because I love listening as well; but rather, I like to talk because I think what I choose to share is valuable and will be appreciated.

(Listen to Chris share this post, then discuss with Mark how learning to pause has changed Chris’s life!)

Since I began intentionally pausing before I speak, I have noticed that the person I am listening to isn’t always finished speaking when I am ready to begin speaking myself. I have realized that sometimes people like to pause in the middle of their stories. Sometimes they pause to gather their thoughts, while other times they pause just to catch a breath.

When I choose to PAUSE instead of cut in with my input, it allows the other person to finish their point.

Let me illustrate this with an all-too-familiar scenario: pretend I am listening to you tell a story. Your story has 3 main points to it and then your final conclusion. If, after you finish making your first point, you take a short pause to catch your breath and/or gather your thoughts, I jump in and pivot from your first point (either agreeing or disagreeing with it) and then steer the conversation into a different topic – would you be satisfied with our conversation if you never got to finish your story? Now, what if I allowed you to catch your breath, waited patiently while you gathered your thoughts, listened intently to your final conclusion, and then responded – would you be more satisfied with our conversation?

Unfortunately, I had to admit that I was “hi-jacking” conversations in order to share MY thoughts and in the process I have missed out on a better understanding of those around me by not showing them the respect they deserve by truly listening to them.

The power of PAUSE has recently appeared in my life in a new situation as well.

I recently had my first child, and for those of you that have not experienced parenthood – sometimes a baby cries and it is difficult to figure out how to soothe the child. That may sound simple, but in reality, when another human being is screaming in your ear for an extended period of time it can test our patience and drive us to our mental, emotional, and physical limits. Incidentally, as my newborn son was screaming in my ear for an extended period of time, I recalled the other purpose of PAUSE – to take a break and think about the other person: What kind of relationship do I want to have with them? How much do they mean to me? What do they really need right now? How can I truly love them?

Since I have begun the habit of asking my wife for a short break from failing to console my child, I have been able to shift my perspective to his needs and realized that he isn’t mad at me; he just has needs that are difficult for him to communicate. This has given me the break I needed and allowed me to come back to him “on his side” as I approach him with more empathy and true love. Just realizing that he isn’t yelling AT me – but is yelling FOR me to help him – has changed everything and made parenting much more enjoyable.

Every conversation in my life has been improved and I am a better father to my newborn son: that is the power of PAUSE!

I hope that my words encourage you to use the power of pausing in your relationships and that it serves you as well as it has served me!

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Thank you to Chris Greenlee–an entrepreneur in Wichita, Kansas, and expert in training people in the skills of optimizing their time. I (Mark) have greatly benefited from Chris and his training and coaching! I would go so far as saying it is changing my life! If you are interested in working with Chris, you can reach him at: christoddgreenlee@gmail.com)

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We are on a mission to improve relationships and create peace–one conversation at a time!

How has PAUSING helped you in your conversations? Leave a comment or example below. OR leave a comment to thank Chris for him sharing his experience with us! And if you would like to write a guest blog and be on my blogcast, email me at: mark@pledgetalk.com

We all need a friendship or want one. Someone might object and say that is not true for them–they are fine on their own. But that’s not really true. We were made for relationship. It is part of our DNA. When you or I deny this, it is only because we have been hurt by one or more who have claimed to be our friend. We don’t want to be hurt again, so we lie to ourselves in order to silence the inner cry for relationship. Sadly, it leads to a life of loneliness, boredom, and bitterness. We were never meant to be alone. The greatest joys in life are experienced in relationships with others.

So what about that friendship? How do you go about creating one, or making the ones you have even better? And what is the power in a true friendship?

You have to know a KEY! It is found in an ancient Proverb!

Zerrin and I have three children. Along the way, we’ve been very blessed to have others call us Mom and Dad as well. As our kids approached school age, we taught them a KEY to a great friendship. It is found in an ancient proverb–a wise saying. It says: “He who wants friends must make himself friendly.” We taught them the same proverb again when they went to middle school, high school, and college. Each of our children practiced the proverb well and have wonderful friends to this day wherever they go. And one day I have no doubts, they will be married to a best friend!

Those who want a friendship must make themselves friendly.

The obvious question is: how do you make yourself friendly?

There are many ways, of course, such as encouraging someone, standing up for them, giving them something of value, or going out of your way to help them. No real surprise here–we have heard this before.

I want to talk about a more specific way that involves the way we relate to them. Our daughter is working on a massive project, a curriculum that she hopes one day will be adopted by schools to lead children into the experiential knowledge of how to make and keep friends. She calls it The PLEDGE of Friendship. She is taking the principles of PLEDGEtalk and applying them to building friendships!

Think of how this might work for you.

First, remember the principles of PLEDGEtalk:

Pause
Listen
Echo
Disarm/Declare
Give
Engage

Intentionally apply PLEDGEtalk to your friendships.

Now imagine you are with a person with whom you would like to build a friendship. Here is how:

PAUSE: might I suggest you think more–a LOT more–about the principle of pause? To become a good friend, it is critical that you pause before you speak. Pause to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it!

Another Proverb (18:21 KJV) says: “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue!” Everything you and I say has the power to tear someone down or lift them up; bring them low as to the grave, or raise them up as to bring them life.

I have been shamed, called names, yelled at, and poked fun at. No doubt you have too. I am thankful I can also say I have been deeply encouraged, shown great care and love, and felt strongly supported by the words of others. Death and life–in the power of the tongue.

No doubt also, you and I have experienced times when words came out of our mouths and we wished we could have a do-over! I look back and shudder at comments I have made in the past towards my wife and others. Our words can bring great pain and sorrow to our relationships.

Each of us would do well to practice PAUSING a lot more than we do in our conversations. Mastering this principle alone would go a long way towards creating or improving a friendship!

LISTEN: listen to really understand that person you are hoping to befriend or with whom you want to develop a deeper friendship! There are realities being experienced in their life or world that they want to share with someone. Be that someone!!! And you will make a friend!

ECHO: when you are able to echo back what someone has said, it shows that person how much you care because of how well you listened! It will deepen the friendship.

DECLARE: when someone shares their thoughts or ideas, declare in some way that you appreciate what they said, or see value in their point of view. Thank them for sharing. I have a friend who does this with me regularly. Each time I experience his genuine care for me and our friendship is strengthened.

GIVE: your thoughts when invited OR ask to give your thoughts. Consider how this might better a conversation. Rather than each party jumping in with whatever they have to say whenever they want, mutual respect is demonstrated throughout a conversation as time is given for each one to speak. I wrote more about the power of this here.

ENGAGE: make each of the PLEDGEtalk steps a daily part of how you engage with others and in so doing you will be “making yourself friendly.”

Use PLEDGEtalk to make yourself friendly and experience its POWER:

John Gottman, nationally renowned therapist and researcher on successful marriages, in his New York Times best-selling book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work says he has found that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”

Beautiful.

In her article, Beyond the Classroom: The importance of friendship for success in school, Laurie Futterman says: “Children are not born with social skills. Parents need to help prepare them to interact successfully with peers.”

Yes of course! Why not start by teaching your children PLEDGEtalk?

Jane Collingwood, in her blog post, The Importance of Friendship, references Tom Rath, Gallup Organization’s director, and Time Magazine saying: “Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee.”

Totally makes sense! Having good friends at a job has always improved my work!

Practice the PLEDGE of Friendship every day to improve your marriage, have better relationships with children, and enjoy going to work!

Remember: “He or she who wants friends must make themselves friendly.”

As you finish reading this, will you “make yourself friendly” to me by doing one or the other of these?

Share with me whom will you implement the PLEDGE of friendship? Leave me a comment below. It will be encouraging to me and build our friendship!!
Share this with one person today!

The Power of Pause – A Guest Post