“Dad, I’ve made an observation about conflict.”
My son was living in Brazil doing research on his dissertation – and inadvertently doing some research for me too on conflict!
He went on: “You know, everyone in the States seems to have a strong aversion to conflict. They fear if there is a conflict, it marks the end, if not the beginning of the end of the relationship. But here in Brazil, that’s not the case. In fact, it’s almost as if it marks the beginning of a true relationship – because they believe they have gotten to the place where the relationship is strong enough to work through conflict.
VERY INTERESTING PERSPECTIVE!
The question is: how do they – or we – get to that place of having a strong enough relationship where we don’t fear conflict, but see it in a very real way as a positive marker of us being in a good place relationally?
There are countless books written to address the idea in one way or another of how to build a strong relationship. I want to focus on three ideas that are not written about as much as the rest.
First, we have to stop long enough to examine our business in life, our boredom in life, or the burying ourselves in one pursuit or another of life’s promising attractions and ask ourselves why. Why are we so busy? Why are we bored? Why are we always trying out the next new thing? When we stop long enough for a good examination, we experience a growing awareness of hunger and thirst inside our soul – not for literal food or water, but for something more… something else that satisfies us on a deep and lasting level.
What you and I are most hungry and thirsty for, what we long for most in life, is relationship. We must come to recognize this. On some level we all know this to be true – and on another level, we fight this truth because we have all been hurt in relationships, so we push away from the idea that we really need them.
As long as we push away from pursuing deep relationships, or push others away, we won’t experience what we long for most. And instead, we will keep busy – to hide the gnawing hunger inside. We will seek out one attraction or another thinking it will satisfy only to eventually find ourselves again and again in a state of boredom at best or life-draining emptiness because what we’ve pursued didn’t quench the thirst.
We must recognize we were made for relationship – we need relationship. It is the only place ultimate satisfaction is found.
Second, we have to know what a good and strong relationship looks like. I fear for many if not most people today, their list of good role models is short – if it even exists at all. Not only is this terribly sad, but it is a very serious concern for our nation. We are desperately in need of others showing us the way. My suggestion for anyone reading this is to look around you and find some one or two people or couples you would like to emulate. Get with them and ask them if you can deliberately spend more time with them to learn from them. And if you are so fortunate to have a strong healthy understanding of relationships – look around and invite others to spend time with you.
Third, we must work at building strong relationships. This is where having role models is so important. From them, we can learn what good relationships look like, sound like, and even feel like. From them, we will see areas of growth needed in our personal lives and relationships. From them, we can receive wisdom, support, and encouragement in our growth journey. It will take time and focus. Remembering our first point, we must keep in mind there is nothing more satisfying in life and no work more important than that of growing and deepening our relationships. It will require perseverance – a commitment to specific relationships even when, or better said especially when it gets difficult because that is when we stand to learn the most.
Creating strong relationships by keeping the above three ideas in mind PLUS having a proven understanding such as PLEDGEtalk on how to converse well with others are MUSTS if conflict is ever to be experienced as good.
Who knows? We might even get to the point where there Brazilians are – that of welcoming conflict as a sign that our relationship has grown as strong as it has!
What have YOU done to help you grow as a person or grow in your relationships? Leave a comment below!
Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
