When your children are hurting–at any age–it’s tough. No parent wants to see their children suffer, and yet it happens because we live in a world with a lot of disappointment and brokenness. What can you do as a parent when it happens? Much could be said in response. Here are seven actions to consider:

First, strike a balance between shielding them and sheltering WITH them.

Pain in this world is inevitable. Our children need to learn that life will be hard and disappointing, sometimes profoundly so. At the same time, we want them to learn they don’t have to go it alone. All trauma has a damaging effect on a person. What makes it worse, however, is when they feel alone, when they have no one to cry or talk with about what happened.

If a child is abused, if a child’s parents divorce, if they lose a friend or experience any other kind of loss, the pain is very real. What paves the way for healing is having someone(s) to walk with them through the hurt. As parents, we do our best to shield them, but more importantly, we must be careful to shelter WITH them–we must get into their world to be with them. Let them know they are not alone.

Second, when your children are hurting, help them name what they are feeling.

This can be hard for children and adults. We often act out our feelings rather than name or talk about them. Naming our feelings brings definition to our experience. This then opens the door to understanding ourselves and invites others to as well.

Are your children sad, mad, scared, disappointed, or hurt? Use these words when talking with them and any others that would most accurately define their experience. Doing so will be a further part of their healing experience as we all want to be understood.

Third, once you name their feelings, be sure to validate them.

We have all had questions at times about our feelings or the degree to which we felt them. Are we crazy for feeling what we are feeling? Being too sensitive? Just a wimp? Shouldn’t I be stronger? Are my feelings ok? Will I be shamed for feeling them? When should I be over them? And on and on. What we all want is someone to come alongside to simply validate our experience. We are looking for words like:

  • “it’s Ok.”
  • “We are with you.”
  • “We understand.”
  • “I am mad too.” (or sad, or scared, or hurt, etc.)
  • “I would feel that way if I were you.”

Having someone validate our feelings further alleviates our sense of aloneness, and allows us to move one step closer to healing in that we settle in to our experience rather than fight against it. What has occurred has occurred. There is no way to undo it. We must feel what we feel. This is just as true for us as adults as it is for our children. To the degree we validate our children’s feelings even by talking to them about our feelings, it helps to heal…over time.

Fourth, help guide their thinking.

Often times when painful events or losses occur, one’s thinking can become quite distorted. We had our home broken into a little over a year ago. It took quite some time before my mind was more at peace and my thoughts more normal whenever we would leave the house or go to sleep at night. For children going through a divorce a mom might have to answer questions in their minds like, “If daddy doesn’t want to be with us anymore, will you stop wanting to be with us too?”

Much could be said about distorted thinking. Just know that it happens to us all, adults and children alike. Listening to when your children are hurting and asking what they are thinking gives us the opportunity to help steer their thinking in a healthy direction.

Fifth, when your children are hurting, be patient with the process.

There are many factors that determine how long a child will feel pain from a difficult experience in life and what the long term effects will be. Be careful to not let your pre-conceived ideas be the deciding factor. It will likely be different than whatever you think. It has never helped me when someone said I should stop being angry, or I should be over it by now. That won’t help your children either. Be patient–for as long as it takes, staying focused on each of the above steps, rather than pushing them to “get over it.”

Sixth, keep up with life as best as you can.

Whereas I just said to be patient with the process, we still have to keep up with life. Children still need to get up and go to bed at regular hours, eat, and go to school, help around the house, etc., and have time for fun. Yes, fun. Even in the midst of difficult times, whenever possible, it is good to take breaks from grieving and have some levity. It gives forth an underlying message that though what we have gone through is tough, perhaps REALLY tough, we are not ruined, we are still together, and we will get through this.

One word of caution, however, be careful that you do not assume or indicate to your children, that once laughter occurs or other matters have been attended to, that everyone is over the event. This is seen as a reprieve, not an end to the hurt that has occurred. You will likely experience many times when you go back and forth between feelings expressed needing to be validated and times of reprieve. It is all part of the healing process.

Seventh, seek help from others.

Even when taking all the above action steps, it is always good to consider what outside help is available. This can be family, friends, church, a counselor, etc. We live in an era where we are blessed with so many resources. For followers of Christ, we have the assurance that He is always with us, that He will comfort us, and provide in time of need. Teaching this to our children is another way to help them heal.

Whereas we might be hesitant at times to express need to others, giving way to that hesitation may hinder us from finding some key help in the process. Reach out and seek help!

A final note:

As I wrote the above, I had many scenarios in mind, not the least of which of course is the challenge everyone of us is facing right now with the Corona Virus. This is a world-wide traumatic experience playing out in all kinds of various degrees across our nation and the world. Adults and children alike have been affected.

With my wife and daughter being grade school teachers, we are hearing how many children are sad they can no longer attend school. They didn’t even say good-bye to friends or teachers. In every respect, this is a good time for us all to be practicing everything I have written!

–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk.com

Questions? Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts!

For more tips on how to walk through this life click this link… https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

​This year of 2020 I want to make 5 strong suggestions for your reading in communication that will be extremely helpful.

Every one of the following resources have been extremely helpful in growing my skills and understanding of how to love well in the way I communicate to others and resolve conflict. I know they will be for you too!

Think of communication as the hub of a wheel. Everything is connected and dependent upon the hub for the wheel to turn. In the same way, all of your interactions, all of your problem solving, and all of the growth in your relationship is connected to and dependent on your ability to communicate in a healthy and helpful manner.

Here are the five best resources I recommend for your reading on communication this year:

NonViolent Communication

By Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

“If ‘violent’ means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate could indeed be called ‘violent’ communication.” (On the cover of the book.)

A good friend recommended this to me three years ago. I have underlined, circled, starred more in this book than I have in most. It is chocked full of insights, practical ideas, and direction on how to express one’s needs and hear the needs of others leading the way to real breakthrough in relationships. You will need to read this multiple times to gain all the knowledge between the two covers.

​Crucial Conversations

By Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler

“Tools for talking when stakes are high.” (from the cover)

I was introduced to this book when I heard one of the authors at a conference. He was speaking my language and my heart. I knew it was a book I had to read. Highly practical direction for what to do and say when a conversation takes a sudden twist and you know that what happens next is “crucial” for how matters turn out. Again – you will find yourself going back to this book often!

Never Split The Difference

By Chris Voss

“Negotiating as if your life depended on it.” (front cover)

While listening to a podcast, this author was introduced as the top FBI hostage negotiator in the nation! I thought to myself, I’ll bet this guy knows a thing or two about dealing with conflict! So I bought the book. I wasn’t disappointed. I have put his principles to use and negotiated a great deal on a large screen TV with a worker at Sam’s Club (didn’t know that could even happen.) Then I lost a deal on buying a car and pulled out the book again to see what I missed.

This is a fun read, by a brilliant individual who has had to learn how to communicate successfully with others because indeed his and others’ lives depended upon it. It also helped that a lot of what he wrote coincided with what I have written in my book. I am sure you won’t be disappointed reading this!​

The PLEDGE of a Lifetime

By Mark Oelze (my book)

“Her hope for connection, His guide through conflict.” (front cover)

In every conversation and every conflict, there are two components: the content of the dialogue, and the process by which the content is being discussed. What sets my book apart from all others about handling conflict, is that I focus on the process.

Just as there is a recipe to follow to make a good dish, or a plan to execute the next play in football, there is a critical recipe or plan one must follow in order to have a healthy and helpful dialogue over our differences. With no plan, you will fumble the conversation, tackle the wrong subject, and lose the relationship. So read the book, execute the plan, and make every conversation a win-win for everyone!

​BONUS: The Larger Story

​I have been counseling individuals and couples for over 30 years now – but I am just getting started! 🙂 (Threw that in there rather than what I first wrote about feeling old!)

Who I am today and whatever help I have been to others has been dependent upon many people, but most significantly my parents for all the love, nurture and spiritual direction they gave me, and two men who were my mentors and instructors in my counseling degree. The main instructor was Dr. Larry Crabb and Dr. Dan Allender. It would take hours upon hours to detail how their lives and thinking has shaped mine. I will forever be grateful to them.

The new website, largerstory.com, is a legacy to Dr. Crabb, where you can find all of his works in one location–books, teachings, videos, writings and more. I invite you to bookmark this site, and throughout this year and the years to come, read and learn from the wisest man I know!

What books or resources have you read would you put in the category “best ever” for strengthening relationships? Comment below and tell me about them!

Thanks,

​–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk

When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question – one I think we have all wondered about at times – so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.

Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and doing my best to communicate with friends and family (including all my grown kids) of the seriousness of the situation. One morning my wife, Zerrin, was telling our girls how frustrated she was about the news media and how they were blowing it up all out of proportion. She kept going on and on (in my mind) and my girls were agreeing. All the while, I was feeling increasingly angry because I felt like what she was saying might result in our girls not understanding the seriousness of the matter and then begin doing things that might put them and others more at risk.

At some point, I interrupted Zerrin to try to balance out or even stop the conversation. Then later, after my girls went out for a bit, I told my wife how angry I was and that she was undermining my attempts to help our girls clearly understand the crisis we are facing. She tried stating her thoughts, but I interrupted and pointed out how she was wrong with me and wrong in saying everything she had said to our girls.

THEN…

My wife got quiet, turned away from me, and finished what she was doing in the kitchen.

She had effectively PAUSED…

I can’t quite remember, but I might have said a few more things. And she remained quiet. Her PAUSE button was still on.

I started calming down – realizing she was practicing what I teach. The first step of the PLEDGEtalk process is to Pause when in a conflict. She was doing that well.

I also began experiencing shame – a good shame – which started the process of me evaluating what I had done wrong in the conversation. For example, I reflected on how I voiced my thoughts in a reactionary mode, rather than take the time to first think about what I wanted to say and how to say it best. I interrupted, rather than taking the time to listen to understand her perspective she was trying to tell me at first. And I scorned her for saying all she did to the girls, rather than talk with her about what I was concerned about.

For me, that was the effect of my wife pausing. It was a good thing. I needed time to see my wrong.

So again: what is the best way to handle communication when the other party escalates the situation?  I would say:

  1. Pause. Simply refuse to argue.
  2. Give time and space for the other person to calm down and think about how they were responding and what they might like to say if and when they were in a more emotionally controlled state of being.
  3. You might add at some point in a very quiet, slow, and gentle voice: “I am more than willing to discuss what you are frustrated about when we can do so in a quiet, helpful and healthy manner.” When finished saying this, don’t keep staring at them, simply say it and then turn back to doing what you were doing before. Staring only makes the other feel more pressured or stressed. Turning back to what you were doing, gives the other person time to think about what you just said without feeling pressured to respond.
  4. If you consistently find yourself in the position where another party escalates the situation with you, at some point – again in a very quiet, slow, gentle voice – you might say something like: “________ (name) often when we are in conflict or have an argument it seems as though you get quite upset or heated with me. Can you help me understand why?” OR “Am I doing or saying something or acting in a certain way that is causing you to get so upset with me?”
  5. If the other party does come back to talk in a better manner, or as in case #4 above, if they say you are doing something that causes them to react, then do everything in your power to listen well to what they have to say so that you might learn more about them and know how to better relate in the future.
  6. Finally, never hesitate to get outside help. When in a relationship with someone who consistently escalates the situation, it becomes quite damaging to the relationship.  Fear sets in, ongoing distance occurs between the parties, safety becomes an issue, and the relationship deteriorates. If this describes your situation, you may need to leave and/or get help to save the relationship. Call a wise friend or mentor, your Pastor or Priest, or a counselor to get help.

I hope this gives you some direction the next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone who escalates the situation! 

As always, leave your thoughts or questions below or send them to me! 

–Mark Oelze

Author and creator of PLEDGEtalk: when communication really matters! 

I have been wanting to write this for about a week now, regarding COVID-19.

On the one hand I have more time being “homebound.” On the other hand, I have not had as much time as I might have thought, because I have been spending a lot more time with family – and that’s a good thing! I hope you have experienced the same!

BUT THEN I WONDER–has it been good for you?

I know that conflict is also more apt to happen when we have more time together. On a walk with Zerrin this morning I had to apologize for two incidents over COVID-19 the last few days when I was short and reactive. I hate it when I am like that. I’m aware when I am mad, that I can be so unkind. I am truly so thankful for my wife and sad when I am like that. I’m also thankful that I can say both Zerrin and I know what to do when we have moments like these. We know how to get back to peace and the enjoyment of being together.

How about you? What has it been like so far with the stay at home orders? And how confidant are you that you know what to do when conflict happens?

My greatest desire is to be of help to you in your relationships – whether it is with a spouse, a child, an extended family member or friend.

So my simple question: how can I be of help?

What one question on communication or conflict resolution could I answer for you in a future email or blog post that would hold the greatest potential to improve your relationship(s) – particularly when we are spending so much more time together?

I look forward to hearing your answer!

Warmly,

Mark Oelze

ps…And by the way, I did a short two-minute video on our PLEDGEtalk Facebook page this week about perspectives. You might find it helpful. And if you do, would you share it with others? Thanks!

pss…don’t forget to email me your one question!

No doubt you like me, are hearing from every available news source about the effect the Corona Virus is having throughout the world, and the United States. Fear about the virus and the effects on our lives, jobs, and the overall economy continues to grow.

Schools and Universities have all gone online. Sports are suspended. Parades, political rallies and events of all kinds have been canceled. It’s the fear of gathering in crowds, and how it could spread the virus. These are just a few of the many ways in which this is affecting our country.

Then we were simply all told to stay home for a while!

Might I suggest some positive in the midst of all this?

In our all too busy world, “being” has been replaced by “doing.” Families are so busy running children from one event to another, there is no time for mom and dad to connect with each other or their kids. The noise we are offered from TV and movies and video games and music and podcasts and smartphones and social media and more, hinders us all from sitting still and quietly with someone to converse about life, to listen, and even enjoy their presence. I am afraid for many, they would not even know how to do this anymore.

What if in the midst of the corona virus, we came to realize on a much deeper level that what matters most in life is people, relationships and the gift of life?

For those of us who live with others, “having to stay at home” might just mean that we would have the opportunity to connect more with our spouse or our kids or a roommate or friend.

For those who live alone, it may be a good opportunity to reach out to someone and acknowledge any needs you may have. That can be hard, but it is part of what makes us human – we need others.

And a final word to all of us who do not live alone – may we be stirred to look around us and seek to meet the needs of anyone we know who is alone. It is following what Jesus once said: “love your neighbor as yourself.”

So my simple advice:

1. Keep up with the toilet paper :), prescription drugs, and food.

2. Maybe get more to share with a neighbor or family member who is alone.

3. Then spend time enjoying and rebuilding those relationships that matter most to you!

4. And for those of you who pray, please do! Pray for wisdom for our leaders. Pray for a growing understanding to fall on our nation of what is truly important in life, and most important – to know God Himself.

–Mark Oelze