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How to Become a Master at Communication

In this week’s communication tip, I talked about my son, a semi-professional musician, who teaches History by day and plays guitar in restaurants by night.

I can’t tell you how amazing he is – you would just think I am just biased. I could tell you for instance that:

  • he has mastered not only the 6-string but the Brazilian 7-string guitar
  • he knows hundreds of songs in English and Portuguese by heart – chords, and lyrics.
  • I marvel at how he moves up and down the neck without even looking at where he places his fingers,
  • he can transpose a song into any key
  • he can listen to a song once and play along the second time
  • and I could go on.

But you might say it sounds like I’m bragging about my son, and you might be right. If you watched this week’s video, however, you heard that I also was making a huge point. You see, despite how good of a musician he is and how well he has mastered the guitar, he practices his core basic scales very slowly every day, up and down for a minimum of 20 minutes!

Why would he do that?

Why would he do that?  I would suggest he wants to become the best musician he can become and for two primary reasons:

First, for his own enjoyment and for the enjoyment of others around him. And to become the best he must never forget the basics.

Second, he wants to become the best musician he can become for the sake of the beauty and wonder of the guitar itself – to make it come alive to its fullest potential.

[Now transpose this idea (pun intended) from music to communication to get my point.]

 

Why should you and I practice communication skills every day?

First, we want to become the best communicators we can become so that we and others might enjoy the experience to the fullest. We were designed to enjoy and be enjoyed relationally. We know that to be true. We so long to be heard, and when we are heard well – it brings a sense of delight. Sadly, however, the experience of relational joy is not often felt. In practicing what we learn in PLEDGEtalk on a daily basis, we can give more and more people the experience of joy when we communicate with them.

Second, we want to become the best communicators we can become for the sake of the beauty and wonder of relationship itself – to make relationships come alive to their fullest potential!  We all long for relationship because we were created for relationship at the very core of our beings. To the degree we master communication, it increases the potential for us to experience the beauty and wonder of relationship.  And might I add, for the greatest expression of love!

There is much more I could say – a book’s worth even – but for the rest of this week and throughout the weekend:  practice good communication. Deliberately, intentionally practice taking the time to love well in the way you communicate. Look for the experience of joy when doing so and the beauty and wonder of relationship itself!

When was the last time you really felt someone took joy in you?

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Be Interested – PLEDGEtalk Thoughts

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday video tip I spoke of wanting to spend some time with a man I have only known mostly at a distance – so we did a breakfast together just a few weeks ago. I spoke further about the impact he made on me by how much time he took to express interest in me, rather than seek my interest in him.

This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week – at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.

I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important…even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.

As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here’s why:

If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others – rather than seek the others’ interest!

I don’t know about you, but more often than I’d like to admit, I struggle with the urge to get others interested in what I have to offer. And to the degree I give into the urge, the pressing matter becomes about me and the impact I want to make.

While listening to Damon speak, I looked around me and began to think of how each person in that room has a talent, a gift, an opportunity to have an impact upon those around them. In whatever conversations I have, do I want to help others discover how they can have an impact by being interested in their lives? Or do I want to make/keep the focus on getting them to help me? There’s a lot to think about here. I’m not saying we don’t think about our talents, gifts, etc.  But when and how often am I thinking of mine vs someone else’s?  And when should I focus on mine or when on someone else’s? As I said – a lot to think about.

Damon’s final challenge, and perhaps my final take away was his thoughts on a concept in the Bible most have heard if you grew up in the church. It is the idea that though we are in this world, we are not supposed to be “of this world.”

Stay with me a minute on this one.

Damon made a bold observation that I think is correct. Most who consider themselves Christians have (consciously or unconsciously) taken the concept above to mean that we should steer clear of people (or where they hang out) who do not think like we think when it comes to God because we are not “of this world.”

I have a good friend Nathan who has a church in a brewery in town and I think it is awesome! I love going myself whenever I can and having a beer with everyone there as we explore who Jesus is and what it means to follow Him. Nathan has struggled however with MANY “Christians” who think he is really off base – that he should not be there because he is then being “of the world.” I disagree. Those who attend would never step foot in a church “building.” How then might we ever have a chance to love them, invite them into the family, and learn how they too can have an impact in this world?

Damon ended by saying, he thinks we have twisted what Jesus meant:

FROM the idea: “Be in this world but not ‘of’ it.”

To: “Don’t go into this world – period.”

Don’t go into the world where “other” people are who don’t believe like we do. When we think like this, we create a distance between us and “them” which sadly, only pushes them further away rather than invites them IN. And all the while, we become just as much a part OF the “world” in our struggles with greed, money, lust, power, control, anger, fear, etc.

Whew!

Again – a LOT to think about there!

Remember: If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others (which requires being with them!) – more than seek the others’ interest!

Take some time to ponder – and let me know your thoughts below in response to this week’s “Further thoughts…!”

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Exercising PLEDGEtalk

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren’t going well.

Don’t ignore those moments!

Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship.  You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.

Easier said than done.

To be honest, I don’t always WANT to go back and work on the relationship. When I sense the prompting to do so, I have all kinds of arguments in my head why I don’t need to:

  • It wasn’t me who was at fault.
  • I’m tired of it always being me who reaches out first.
  • She needs to come to me – not me to her.
  • Why should I?
  • I just don’t want to!

Have you ever had arguments like these in your head?

They seem legit at the time.

I’m afraid all too often we say them to ourselves and go on our way. The conflict remains, the distance grows, and the relationship suffers. When it does, we have a choice: we either dig our heels in even deeper, or we stop and take a second look.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t my fault – does that really matter? Or does the relationship REALLY matter, and doing whatever is necessary to restore it?

Ok, so you are tired of it “always being you who reaches out first.” Have you really taken that careful of an inventory? And if you have, and it is true, then let me applaud you for reaching out so consistently. It is usually the hardest step to take, and someone has to take it. It might be you have the greater emotional wherewithal or the greater courage to do so. It might be the other person simply doesn’t know how or what to say. So thank you for taking the lead!

Holding on to a “she needs to come to me – not me to her” mindset leads nowhere fast. Your anger and bitterness will only grow. Sadly, the disconnect will grow too – and over time, so will options like divorce, unfriending someone, or quitting a church, a group, or a job. When we walk away, we will likely feel justified. What is most unfortunate, however, is that it might have simply taken a bit of humility to be the one that reaches back out to start the conversation.

Why should I?  Because it is right. It is good. It is love.

When “I just don’t want to,” I stop and think of how thankful I am that others have reached out to me when they didn’t want to.

And what changes this mindset the most for me, is when I stop to think about a God-man named Jesus, who struggled big time not wanting to die in order to show love towards people who hated him. In the final hours of his life here on earth, he prayed to his Father asking him if there was any other way. In the end, he did indeed die, because it was right, and good, and love.

I hope as we consider Jesus’s death and resurrection over this Easter season, we might all take note of any of our relationships that might need mending and take that first step to bring restoration,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Enjoying Others in Conversation

Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.

What do you do?

Ignore them?

Rip up the coloring or throw the stone away?

NO!

You look at their artwork or their beautiful stone and praise them! In effect, you enter into their joy and you enjoy THEM!

The result? They FEEL enjoyed! You know this to be true as the smile on the child’s faith grows even broader and they chatter non-stop about what the picture is or where they found the stone. They even want to show you more!

QUESTION: when was the last time you FELT enjoyed by someone or even a group of people?

Feeling enjoyed is perhaps one of the deepest longings of every human being. It is the effect of being loved, of experiencing being wanted, of being celebrated and made to know that we matter.

In the video you can watch HERE, I speak of a conversation I had with my wife when I was excitedly sharing something with her about my day. What I longed for then, is what I long for all the time when I have something I am excited to tell others. You long for the same – you want others to enter into your excitement. You want them to enjoy the moment with you, and in effect, enjoy YOU!

For those of you who – like me – are a follower of Christ, let me share one of the most amazing verses I have ever read.  AND if you are not a follower at this point, can you simply imagine for a moment what it would be like if the following were actually true?

In the first half of the Bible, there is a book called Zephaniah – named after a man who lived at the time who was also called a prophet. In chapter 3 of his book, Zephaniah writes of a time in the future when God will take great delight in us like a good Father does over his children. He goes on to say in fact that God will be SO FULL of delight over us that He will shout and sing and even spin around like He is dancing!

WHAAAAATTTTTT ?????

Can we even begin to imagine that?  The God of the universe singing, shouting, even spinning around with delight over us?

WOW!  I want that – and so do you and so does everyone else around us!

Here is my challenge to you this week:  take delight in those you interact with. Make them your focus, not yourself. Listen fully to all they have to say. Do all you can to make them feel like they matter – they REALLY MATTER. And let them know that even verbally. Thank them for sharing. Tell them how much you appreciate them and who they are. Give them a taste of being enjoyed.  In so doing you just might be able to give them a taste of a God who also wants to enjoy them and even dance with delight over them!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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