Further thoughts on how to connect!

We were five minutes into a conversation – just five minutes – and I could tell my eyes were watering. I was tearing up. Why? How in such a short amount of time?

LISTENING!

(CLICK HERE for the youtube SHORT!)

I knew it all had to do with listening!

I had been paired up with the trainer in a refresher course on counseling, who had been teaching about how to communicate. One of us was to share something significant that was going on in our life at the time, and the other was simply to listen.

I shared and my partner – the instructor – listened.

She listened WELL.

And I was in tears.

Why?

We all want to know that we matter at the core of who we are. That someone sees us, understands us, and cares. In short, that we are loved.

This is universally true about all mankind.

Some people might try to argue with their words or actions that they don’t want to be loved, but I promise you it’s a front. They have been so hurt in life they won’t allow themselves to even think about it, let alone let anyone else know love is what they want. So they act independent, tough, cool, hard, never letting on that they need anything or anyone. But as I said, it’s a front. It’s not true. It’s a lie they communicate, even to themselves. Keep this in mind – not to call them liars – but to love them anyway. Over time the walls will come down.

Why was I in tears? Because I was experiencing being cared for or loved by someone in the way they were listening to me.

She acted very interested in what I was saying – because she was interested. It wasn’t just practice.

How interested are you really – am I – when someone is talking to us?

Her whole posture signaled to me she was listening. Her eyes, face, and body position all communicated that I mattered, that she cared. And I felt loved.

How often do you – do I – think about how we posture ourselves when someone is speaking? Do we lean in? Ask questions? Look interested? Sit in wonder with what someone might be sharing with us?

Note again the effect – within 5 minutes I had tears in my eyes. How we communicate with others and why changes everything. In this case, it turned a routine practice listening session into an emotionally stirring real-life moment having such an impact that I remember it 10 years later!

When you finish reading this, who will you likely see first?

Go now. Be different in the way you relate to that person. Listen well with your entire being. In doing so, you will give that person a very real taste of love.  And they just might remember it for the rest of their lives!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Further Thoughts on SLOWING DOWN. 7/13/23

In this week’s video (CLICK HERE), I talked about the importance of SLOWING DOWN in our communication – when we listen…when we respond with our thoughts…when we ask a question.

SLOW DOWN  when we listen.

It is all too easy for anyone of us at any time to…

  • jump to conclusions when someone is speaking;
  • become defensive or reactionary;
  • assume we know what the other person is going to say;
  • interrupt with our own ideas;
  • simply be more interested in what we want to say than what they are saying.
  • So – SLOW DOWN!

SLOW DOWN  when we respond.

We must take time to respond so that we are sure to…

  • listen well to what they want us to hear – not what we want to hear for our defense;
  • learn well – whatever we need to understand to come to an “a – hah” moment.
  • love well with our response to create or deepen connection not lessen it!
  • So – SLOW DOWN!

SLOW DOWN  when we ask a question.

It is most helpful when asking a question that we…

  • do so in an effort to clarify what they are saying;
  • show that we care about THEM and what THEY are attempting to communicate;
  • draw them out by saying things like:  “Tell me more about…”
  • show they matter by allowing them to “keep the mic” while we ask to learn more;
  • become silent after asking a question to give whatever time is needed to answer;
  • work to create a feeling of safety when asking questions and in all communication;
  • So SLOW DOWN!

What is a takeaway for you in one of these areas? Write it in the comment section below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Further thoughts on the need for patience when in conflict!

I have traveled and experienced enough to know that not everyone lives the same as we Americans. One of the big differences is the pace at which we live our lives. During one of our last dinners while in Italy, I was reminded AGAIN of the need for patience.

We were a bit short on time and wanted to explore more of the city of Florence, but needed to grab a bit to eat first. Note the words:  “a bit short on time” and “needed to grab.”

Not a good start.

We ducked into a local cafe and ordered a few dessert items to go, and then decided to eat something more substantial first in their restaurant. We were told to find a seat, and they would bring us our dessert.

We found a nearby table so we could be served fast.  As we settled in, I kept my eye on the waiter, hoping to catch his.

He soon came to our direction, and I was hopeful – until he walked on by without even looking at me.

Huh? What was that about?

I gave him the benefit of the doubt until it happened again and again. THEN I watched as he went over by a buddy, leaned against a counter and chatted a bit.

I felt my irritation rising. What was he doing?

I figured I needed to be a bit more direct so I called out to him the next time he came around and asked if we could get some water. He spoke minimally from a different language of course and shortly came back with two glasses – empty.

I thought: huh? again.

So I went back to waiting, feeling even more fidgety.

By this time I had stories going on in my head… They obviously don’t like foreigners. I must have set him off when I asked for water. He’s really not a very friendly guy. For some reason, he is doing everything he can to avoid me. I don’t think I was that bad to warrant this. What is up with him?

AND THEN…

A very nice young lady came out from the cafe with a glass bottle of cold water, our dessert, and asked what else we would like to eat.

Huh? (yet again!)

I thought the GUY was our waiter!  How did this gal know to bring us everything?

Then I felt like a smuck… Probably none of the stories were true. I had forgotten we were in a different culture, where they do things differently. I was just being impatient. My lack of regard for others and their culture along with my impatience, created a conflict that really didn’t exist – except within me!

I thought… how often does this kind of thing take place in me and really in all of us?

In a very real way, every person I interact with has a culture (think “background”)  that is different than mine. Keeping that in mind and focusing on being patient enables me to push back the “stories in my head” rather than be controlled by them. This along with believing the best in others will go a long way to bring about positive outcomes in our conversations!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

How about you? Do you tend to be patient or impatient in conversations?  Leave a comment below!

Further Thoughts on “WHY I am so committed to relationships that matter – and you should be too!” 6/29/23

(CLICK HERE to watch the video that sparked these thoughts!)

If you were blessed to have children or have ever spent much time around them you have heard one word more than any other: WHY?

Kids are forever asking the question. The fact of the matter is most of us like kids are still asking the why – a lot!

  • Why is _________ not working?
  • Why is this happening in my body?
  • Why is the world in the condition it is in?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why are you mad at me?
  • Why do you care? Why do I care?
  • Why are my kids not doing as I say?
  • Why are you reading this post?

Here’s one more:  Why should you be so committed to those relationships that matter?

It’s one of the most important WHY questions.

HERE’S WHY:

  • Our relationships are gifts – even the tough ones.
  • We need each other.
  • Go it alone and you have no one to fall back on.
  • If you don’t take care of the relationship with your spouse or your __________, then who will?
  • All of life is about relationships. All of eternity is about the same. Best to figure it out now!
  • We are told to love – even our enemies! (Says an important figure in history whose name is Jesus.)
  • There is nothing more important, more fulfilling, more joy-bringing, more lasting, more needed, more craved for, more important than relationships.

Now I understand, relationships are a love/hate experience. I get that. I have known both extremes – quite often actually. When I am on the side of feeling the hate, I have to fight through it to get back to love. And it is a battle! Sometimes I can turn the tide fairly quickly, sometimes it has taken days, weeks, even years.

BUT fight I MUST because of the WHY.

Knowing the WHY keeps me in the battle until

love once again wins out.

How about you? What “why” would you underscore from above or add to the list?  Share your comment below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk