, , , , , ,

Joy and Marriage – How do you keep a marriage healthy for life?

Further Thoughts on the Joy of the Dance in Marriage For Life…

Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay

A dance that brings joy – married for Life. It’s what we all want. My parents are in their 68th year. It’s not a perfect marriage, but I still see those moments when Mom – with love in her eyes – reaches out to touch Dad to show him she is there and she cares. And I see Dad bringing home flowers sometimes for no reason at all except that he cares too for Mom.

How do we get there? How do we get to the end of life still holding each other’s hands and thanking God for the gift He gave us in each other?

It takes work!

We must:

  • forgive countless times
  • seek to serve rather than to be served
  • be patient – like we hope the other is patient with us
  • show kindness every day, in every way possible
  • remember why we first so appreciated each other
  • take time to give time to enjoy time to make the best of time
  • expect conflict, prepare for when conflict will occur, and commit to resolving conflict as soon as it emerges
  • seek help from outside sources when we can’t figure it out ourselves
  • listen without interruption, staying focused as you do
  • be each other’s greatest cheerleader
  • encourage each other day after day
  • DECIDE NOW how important your spouse is to you. If she or he really matters, THEN commit to becoming a life-long learner about marriage.
  • And my list could go on and on and on.

In short, we must love the other as we once promised we would. I know it is hard. Let me say that again. I KNOW it is hard! I have been so angry at my wife sometimes and she me – but we kept returning to love. We have no other option.

In one of the bullet points above,  I mentioned becoming a life-long learner about marriage. Here are some ways to do that:

Read one book on marriage every 3 – 6 months. Here are my top four books on marriage and relationships:

Attend a marriage retreat/conference in 2024. Here is one I HIGHLY recommend:  A Weekend to Remember, put on by Family Life Ministries. Zerrin and I have been and loved it. You can go HERE to find out the nearest one to you and all the available dates. When you register, look for the box that says “Group Name” and put in:  Madlyinlove. That will get you a discount.

For 2024, FamilyLife will offer a Half-Off promotion during a Black Friday promo on November 17-22, and again on January 3-22, 2024. These are the best times for couples to get the best price offered. There are three area conferences happening on Valentine’s weekend next year, February 9-11 – a great way to celebrate and invest in your marriage! Again, when you register, put MadlyInLove in the Group Name box. With this special promotion, you may not get a further discount, but it helps us. For every five couples that use this group name, we get to give away a free Weekend.

REMEMBER – it takes work to learn the dance!  But it is the best kind of work!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

Give me a heads up below if you will get a book above or attend The Weekend To Remember Marriage Conference!

/0 Comments/by
, , , , , ,

Word Choice – How can you change your speech to help conflict progress?

Further Thoughts on What to Say Rather than “But” in a Conversation!  11/2/23

Half empty or half full?

You have heard the question – probably many times. It is asked after a speaker holds up a glass with water up to the halfway mark. The question is then posed for the purpose of discovering whether people tend to be more optimistic in life or pessimistic. Everyone then gives a bit of a chuckle and the speaker makes some kind of point from the illustration.

One day, I found myself thinking, they’re wrong. They are all wrong!  The glass is not half empty OR half full, it is BOTH!  It is half empty AND half full!

What does this have to do with conversations or conflict?

In almost every conflict conversation I have been a part of personally or professionally, I see two things take place. First, both parties think their way is the right and only way when it comes to resolving the conflict. I must confess, this describes me as well. It is what I tend to think at first when I am in conflict. I would go so far as to say it is the default position we all take when in conflict. I’m right – you are wrong.  Someone says, “The glass is half-full” and they are sure they are right.” The other party says: “The glass is half-empty” and they are sure THEY are right. There is no other position to even consider on either behalf!

The second thing I see is this:  as time is taken to understand each person’s perspective the view of the problem begins to change. It may happen quickly, or it may take quite some time.  But it does happen – almost universally if we take the time to truly listen and understand – our view changes. We may not agree with another’s side of the story, but we come to see that the glass was not just one way or another. It was both. There was more to see and understand as to why the conflict occurred.

Herein is the reason to use the phrase “at the same time” rather than the word “But” when in a conflict conversation. The latter response infers there is only one side to the story.  Saying “at the same time” clearly indicates an understanding of a greater picture.

Sometimes I use the idea of a puzzle when in a conflict. I seek to gather all the pieces of the puzzle from the other party or parties making sure to validate them.  I then say I have a few more pieces to add, and ask if they would be willing to hear or see them as well. Upon putting my “pieces” on the table to complete the puzzle, we can then step back to gain the full picture of what took place when the conflict occurred.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict make sure you do all you can to slow down the process and put the entire puzzle together. Committing to the process of seeing the whole picture will go a long way to helping you have healthy and helpful conflict conversations!

Oh and be sure to nix that BUT word!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

What one idea is most helpful from the above?  Drop it into the comments below!

/0 Comments/by
, , , , , ,

Surrender! When? – How and when should you surrender during conflict?

Further Thoughts on SURRENDER! Where? When? Why? 10/27/23

Image by Paul Zilvanus Lonan from Pixabay

I first had the notion of “surrender” come to mind when I recently imagined how I would respond to my wife after listening to her side of the conflict:

  • I observed that I had a type of “but” in my first sentence
  • I could hear “tone” in my voice
  • I saw how quickly I would jump in as soon as she was finished talking
  • I felt how eager I was to get to my point rather than affirm hers

That’s when I heard in my head:

“Surrender!”

I didn’t like the idea. My reaction to what I had “heard” made me suspect this was something I ought to pay attention to.  Suggestions of personal growth are rarely first welcomed with glee.

I kept musing… Succumbing to the idea of surrender might not benefit me. It might be hard or costly.

It’s so often difficult – even for me – to communicate in love the way I teach others to with PLEDGEtalk.

When we are unwilling to surrender the felt right to give our perspective in a conflict, it is often indicative of further work needing to be done in us.  Consider what I mean with each of the four bullet points above:

  • Why would I start with a “yeah, but” statement? Am I unwilling to appreciate or validate my wife’s thoughts or feelings?
  • Why “tone” in my response? Was I seeking to shame my wife or put her in her place?
  • Why jump in so quickly? Was I really listening to her in the first place? If not, why not?
  • Why was I so eager to get my point across? Do I think my thoughts and feelings are more important than hers?

I hope you can see the need I had for self-examination before I proceeded with the conversation. The word “surrender” was exactly what I needed to hear, and needed to heed. I needed to surrender my felt right to react in any of the above ways. For me to do anything else at the moment, would not have been in line with love. At the very least, my wife would have felt missed, and at the most, she would have felt shamed, hurt, and attacked. All at the expense of my reacting out of a feeling like I had the right to do so.

Here me closely: I am not saying we cannot or should not give our perspective on a matter. What I am saying is, we must spend time considering what is happening inside us before we do. We must aim to love above all else.

Zerrin and I did continue the conversation. And I did share my thoughts and feelings – but later than I initially felt like doing so. Only after noting what was happening inside me, and choosing instead to love was I ready to share. It made all the difference in the world!

Can you give me a one-word reaction below?

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

/0 Comments/by