Feelings come and go.

Feelings are important – but they come and go.

Feelings are like lights on a dashboard – they indicate something is taking place that is important to be aware of.  Are your brights on? A dashboard light should let you know and remind you to turn them off when another car is approaching. Is a red light on in the dash that looks like a little battery? You just might want to stop and check it out soon, like really soon. I have a light that comes on to tell me when a door isn’t shut all the way. Helpful.

Do you feel mad? It is an indicator that something is taking place under “your hood” that would be good to check out. Do you feel glad? Stop a moment to think about why and be thankful. Do you feel anxious or afraid? That would be good to stop and note as well.

Paying attention to our emotions – like paying attention to the lights on our dash – gives us direction and instruction. It’s important, however, to understand what the lights or the emotions are directing us towards – what it is they are trying to tell us. On a recent trip, a light came on the dash of our SUV. I wasn’t remembering what it meant, and began to feel a bit uneasy – so I had Zerrin look it up in our manual. Thankfully, it was just a reminder that my door wasn’t closed all the way – which is another whole story because it really was but the indicator light was incorrect. Something malfunctioning with the switch when the door closes.

The feelings of love or the lack thereof – are also very instructional and give us direction. Sometimes, however, such emotion might indicate something that is inaccurate or not to be trusted – at least in our understanding of it. Let me explain.

A man meets a woman and there is a certain chemistry – an emotional experience indicating some kind of connection is taking place that might be worth checking out. The emotion is instructional and can lead to a direction in the relationship. But what if that chemistry experience takes place between two people where one or both are married? This is not an uncommon experience at all. The emotional experience is a light going off on our dashboard, but if we are not careful we will interpret it incorrectly. It is still giving us instruction and direction but about what?

Rather than interpreting the feelings of chemistry for another woman or man when married as something to pursue, and rather than reading the lack of feeling in love with the man or woman you are now with as a sign to abandon the relationship, take a look instead at what once was and may no longer be apart of your current relationship.  Nearly 100% of the time when I talk with couples struggling in their marriage I find that the amount of time they spend with each other currently is less than 10 or even 5% of the time they spent connecting when they first met. And they wonder where their feelings have gone? This is just one reason of many as to why feelings wane over time.

Betrayals of trust, the consequences of addiction, past trauma in life, and unresolved conflict of course play a huge role in deadening the feelings for another, but so does what we might erroneously assume as little matters. Failing to greet one another enthusiastically, looking at each other when conversing, holding hands, helping each other in various tasks, being kind and respectful, laughing and having fun together, exploring or going on adventures, and learning something new together were all part of what most of us did at the beginning of the relationship.  Each one added to the chemistry!

As I said at the beginning of this post, feelings come and go. It’s important to recognize it is a common experience and that we don’t misinterpret why. We must instead be careful to “read” them accurately so we receive the correct instruction from them and head in a healthy direction as a result. This is exactly what Zerrin and I do whenever we sense a lack of closeness. We stop to take note. We seek what issues past or present might need to be addressed. We talk about what “little matters” need to be reinjected again into our relationship. And in time, the feelings return.

A final word:  the larger the issue, the more likely we need outside help. But understand, addressing the “little matters,” are just as critical. If not taken care of, they will become a big issue over time that drives you apart. I implore you to pay attention to the emotional dashboard lights you might be seeing in your marriage. Address them now. Talk about them. Take healthy action steps between you and consider getting additional help if needed.

Marriage works if we do the needed work on ourselves and the needed work together.

Zerrin and I are 41 years and counting…

Leave your thoughts or questions below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk