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How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

 

What do I do, I thought.

 

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

  • Reacting
  • Fighting back
  • Being defensive
  • Standing up for my rights
  • Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

  • Showing them I heard them
  • Seeking to understand them and their story
  • Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
  • Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.

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My Reactivity is My Responsibility…

I have a past story. You have one too.  Hopefully, it is at least a mixture of bad and good if not more good.

Most of us don’t like looking back at the bad, and for good reason. It’s bad! It brings bad thoughts and feelings.  We’d rather just move on. And even if we do look back at the bad, we don’t want to do it for long. Maybe just long enough to say we did and “get over it” so it no longer affects us.

I get it. I understand.

Unfortunately, that’s really not how it works. I wish it was, but it isn’t. We don’t just look back once to recognize where we came from, get over it, and then move on

Just this week, I saw again how my past still affects my present.

On three different occasions, I found myself reacting to situations where I felt I was being criticized. Without going into a lot of detail (because I am not writing a book here!) one of the prominent feelings I experienced growing up was that of being criticized. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how good I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough – and I heard about it. Over and again I felt incredible frustration, anger, and shame.

So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.

Keep in mind, I am 63 years old as I write this. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling. I have thought of my past and spoken to others about it for hours and hours – and it still affects me.

Here’s the good news. Because I don’t turn a blind eye to my past and because I am real with a few people close to me, this awareness enables me to recognize how my past still affects me. And once I recognize the connection between my past and the present, it opens a new door for me to walk through. I can stop in the midst of my reaction, say to myself “that is of my past,” and walk across the threshold into a new and better way of relating to others, even when being criticized.

One more thing. Don’t hear me saying it is easy. And don’t think I will never struggle with this again. I will. I am quite certain of that. But keeping the above in mind, I have found that I don’t have to be controlled by my past, and neither do you!

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Slow Down – and think HOW to communicate!

As a marriage counselor for over 30 years, I have spent a lot of time watching couples communicate their frustrations to each other. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about HOW to communicate!

Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it. I agree. That is the reason for one immediate suggestion I would make to most couples – and really everyone when in conversation. It is this: slow down the conversation so you can think more about how to communicate.

At times when I give counsel to two people in conflict, I interrupt them in the middle of a discussion.  I ask them to simply STOP talking. Then I look at each of them intently, back and forth, in total silence for a few moments.

When I begin again to speak, I do so quietly and slowly – all very deliberately to help them experience something new…

  • I want their minds to stop spinning and their emotional reactions to come to a standstill. Remember, when we are full of anger, hurt and anxiety, the rational part of the brain tends to shut down so we can’t think straight.
  • I want them to know what it is like to step away from pressing their own agenda. All too often when in a conversation where there is conflict what’s on our mind is what’s on our mind…our agenda. And we are out to get the other person to hear us.  Never mind the thought that they might want to be heard too.
  • I want to bring them to a place where instead they can begin to listen.  To really listen and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings.

Here’s what is likely to happen for all of us when we slow down our conversations and think more about how to communicate by genuinely listening:

  1. we will gain fresh or further understanding of each other;
  2. that will pave the way for us to experience empathy for the other;
  3. this, in turn, helps the other feel cared for once again;
  4. and that leads to the renewal of connection – what we both long for and are trying to achieve by our talking.

There is a time to voice our concerns as I teach in the TALK class, but never forget there is equally if not even more so, a need to LISTEN!

So this week simply STOP talking. Seek to slow down your conversations. It will likely require you to give up much of what you want to say so that you might call to mind the equally important task of listening. And when you do – listen that is – carefully observe the difference it makes in you, in the other, and between you. Test and see if the points above come true for you!

Leave a comment/question below or email:  mark@pledgetalk.com

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ANXIETY? You can do THIS to find calm.

How is your anxiety these days?

​(WARNING: this article is a bit longer than usual, and will require reflection. Scan to the summary at the end if needed–not recommended though. My suggestion, find a time when you can read the article in full and consider how it can apply to you. Then let me know what you think.)

​Not sure about you, but my anxiety level goes up and down in life a lot, and even more so these days with Covid-19.

​The latest for me has been my daughter’s wedding. It is coming up soon–in Oklahoma. It’s been in the works for months but has created a lot of uncertainty for weeks now with the pandemic. Should we have postponed it or changed the date? How many people should we have invited? We had 250, then 60, then 10, then 30, and now – who knows? What really matters is that they get married, right? Yes? No? You get the point. All kinds of questions and uncertainties in my head.

​Or how about another source of anxiety – finances. They are a source of anxiety all the time for most, but especially during CV19. What happened to your retirement funds (if you had any in the first place)? Will they ever recover? Will you have a job yet throughout this year to provide for your family? Will the economy come back as some say it will or will it get worse? Will there be a second wave? Will it ever be the same as it was?

​I could add more questions. You could too. Before I wrote the next sentence I counted up how many other sources of anxiety there are currently in my life – at least 8. You may have more.

​There is much that is uncertain these days.

​How do we find calm in the midst of anxiety?

​We have to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Let me explain.

​Think of anxiety as being the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen, but are uncertain if it will.

(I define “need” as something that the one in need requires in order to experience a sense of ok-ness, security, calm, etc.)

​That something we “need” to happen could be as simple as a business meeting producing positive results, or a difficult conversation leading to a hope-for outcome. If these turn out how we want, we are happy and excited, if they don’t we are frustrated or disappointed. BUT until we know the outcome, we are anxious – because of the uncertainty of what will happen. Other examples could include:

  • A person who needs their marriage to survive, but they aren’t sure it will, experiences anxiety.
  • Someone hopes (needs) their employer will keep them on during this crisis, but they have no guarantee of it happening. The uncertainty creates anxiety.
  • Parents “need” their teenager to connect more with the family but don’t know how to reach their child. What they have tried hasn’t seemed to work. Time is running short before the teen leaves the nest. The parents experience anxiety.

​Remember, anxiety is the result of needing something to happen, but being uncertain if it will. The more dependent one is on what they need, and the less certain of it happening, the greater the anxiety.

​To decrease anxiety then, one option is to create greater certainty that what we need to happen WILL happen. This is what most of us seek to do as we face life’s challenges.

​In our anxiety over finances, for instance, there are a number of things we seek to do to create greater certainty we will have enough income to provide for our family, now and in the future. We:

  • Work harder
  • Strive to get out of debt
  • Use a budget (Like Dave Ramsey’s – and I don’t get commission for mentioning him!)
  • Spend wisely
  • Develop a savings account
  • Build one’s assets
  • Invest

​Some or all of these steps are do-able to some degree or another for each of us. And that can create a greater sense of certainty that we will be able to provide both now and in the future for our family.

​Until COVID-19 hits or some other disaster we had not been expecting!

​Then we are faced with the reality that as hard as we try, we can’t be certain that we can make happen what we think needs to happen. We don’t have that level of ultimate control–not only in our finances but in any area of life. We like to think we do, but deep down we know we don’t.

​THAT is why we are anxious.

​So if in fact, we cannot be certain about getting which we need, because we don’t have as much control as we like, what can we do?

​We must take option two: change our needs to desires, and seek a greater good.

​Consider the following scenarios to understand what I mean:

​Last year, we lost a good friend to cancer. She was an amazing person in so many ways, even up to the very point of death. I can’t remember her ever really complaining though she battled for two years and went through so much. Days before she died, Zerrin and I visited her, and she was still not complaining. She even asked how we were! She wasn’t mad at life or God and was largely at peace. She left behind a husband and two young teenagers. How did she do it?

She changed her “need” for health, to a “desire” for health. It was a strong desire for sure, but still a desire. It ceased being a need. And she sought a greater good.

​Strangely, during the last two months, I have lived with less anxiety than ever over the future of our finances. And it’s not because we came into an inheritance or anything! Rather, we have changed our “need” to a “desire” for financial security. And we seek a greater good.

​In order to reduce their anxiety, the parents who “need” their kids to connect more with the family, will have to change their “need” to a “desire” and seek a greater good.

​And finally, I think of Jesus, who faced a terrible death and cried out to his Father for intervention, but nevertheless, downgraded his “need” to a “desire” and sought a greater good.

​What is that “greater good” to seek?

​At first glance, one might say the “greater good” to seek is to leave a legacy, or put things in perspective, or to love without demanding. These are all worthy pursuits for each of us.

​For those of us who follow Jesus, we can seek an additional “greater good.” We can seek to live a life where we don’t deny our desires, but not confuse them with needs. We know our greatest good is to entrust our lives to our Creator and follow Him wherever He leads, knowing for certain that whatever He does here on earth and afterward is best.

​If our finances suffer, we can seek God and His leading in our lives.

​If our teens choose to not connect with the family and go their own way, we can still trust God and seek His direction on how to still best love our kids.

​When we are diagnosed with that terminal illness–we can seek His comfort and help knowing He is with us and that soon we will be with Him.

​Towards the end of his prayer, when Jesus asked a third time for another plan to be drawn up, He expressed His prayer as a desire – not a need. And instead, He sought to do the greater good–that of carrying out what His Father requested and focusing on the joy it would bring in the end.

​In summary, anxiety is the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen but are uncertain if it will.

​It is a common experience known to every person on earth. How we deal with it, however, is not so common. We all engage in various stress relievers, but to process anxiety most fully and find calm, we must learn to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Did you find this helpful? If so, would you share it with a friend or family member who might also be helped?

Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear from you!

​Thank you!

​Mark Oelze

Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk, a How To When Communication Matters

For more useful tips go here…https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

Don’t forget to visit our Facebook page!  https://www.facebook.com/PLEDGEtalk/

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When Your Children Are Hurting – 7 Actions to Take!

When your children are hurting–at any age–it’s tough. No parent wants to see their children suffer, and yet it happens because we live in a world with a lot of disappointment and brokenness. What can you do as a parent when it happens? Much could be said in response. Here are seven actions to consider:

First, strike a balance between shielding them and sheltering WITH them.

Pain in this world is inevitable. Our children need to learn that life will be hard and disappointing, sometimes profoundly so. At the same time, we want them to learn they don’t have to go it alone. All trauma has a damaging effect on a person. What makes it worse, however, is when they feel alone, when they have no one to cry or talk with about what happened.

If a child is abused, if a child’s parents divorce, if they lose a friend or experience any other kind of loss, the pain is very real. What paves the way for healing is having someone(s) to walk with them through the hurt. As parents, we do our best to shield them, but more importantly, we must be careful to shelter WITH them–we must get into their world to be with them. Let them know they are not alone.

Second, when your children are hurting, help them name what they are feeling.

This can be hard for children and adults. We often act out our feelings rather than name or talk about them. Naming our feelings brings definition to our experience. This then opens the door to understanding ourselves and invites others to as well.

Are your children sad, mad, scared, disappointed, or hurt? Use these words when talking with them and any others that would most accurately define their experience. Doing so will be a further part of their healing experience as we all want to be understood.

Third, once you name their feelings, be sure to validate them.

We have all had questions at times about our feelings or the degree to which we felt them. Are we crazy for feeling what we are feeling? Being too sensitive? Just a wimp? Shouldn’t I be stronger? Are my feelings ok? Will I be shamed for feeling them? When should I be over them? And on and on. What we all want is someone to come alongside to simply validate our experience. We are looking for words like:

  • “it’s Ok.”
  • “We are with you.”
  • “We understand.”
  • “I am mad too.” (or sad, or scared, or hurt, etc.)
  • “I would feel that way if I were you.”

Having someone validate our feelings further alleviates our sense of aloneness, and allows us to move one step closer to healing in that we settle in to our experience rather than fight against it. What has occurred has occurred. There is no way to undo it. We must feel what we feel. This is just as true for us as adults as it is for our children. To the degree we validate our children’s feelings even by talking to them about our feelings, it helps to heal…over time.

Fourth, help guide their thinking.

Often times when painful events or losses occur, one’s thinking can become quite distorted. We had our home broken into a little over a year ago. It took quite some time before my mind was more at peace and my thoughts more normal whenever we would leave the house or go to sleep at night. For children going through a divorce a mom might have to answer questions in their minds like, “If daddy doesn’t want to be with us anymore, will you stop wanting to be with us too?”

Much could be said about distorted thinking. Just know that it happens to us all, adults and children alike. Listening to when your children are hurting and asking what they are thinking gives us the opportunity to help steer their thinking in a healthy direction.

Fifth, when your children are hurting, be patient with the process.

There are many factors that determine how long a child will feel pain from a difficult experience in life and what the long term effects will be. Be careful to not let your pre-conceived ideas be the deciding factor. It will likely be different than whatever you think. It has never helped me when someone said I should stop being angry, or I should be over it by now. That won’t help your children either. Be patient–for as long as it takes, staying focused on each of the above steps, rather than pushing them to “get over it.”

Sixth, keep up with life as best as you can.

Whereas I just said to be patient with the process, we still have to keep up with life. Children still need to get up and go to bed at regular hours, eat, and go to school, help around the house, etc., and have time for fun. Yes, fun. Even in the midst of difficult times, whenever possible, it is good to take breaks from grieving and have some levity. It gives forth an underlying message that though what we have gone through is tough, perhaps REALLY tough, we are not ruined, we are still together, and we will get through this.

One word of caution, however, be careful that you do not assume or indicate to your children, that once laughter occurs or other matters have been attended to, that everyone is over the event. This is seen as a reprieve, not an end to the hurt that has occurred. You will likely experience many times when you go back and forth between feelings expressed needing to be validated and times of reprieve. It is all part of the healing process.

Seventh, seek help from others.

Even when taking all the above action steps, it is always good to consider what outside help is available. This can be family, friends, church, a counselor, etc. We live in an era where we are blessed with so many resources. For followers of Christ, we have the assurance that He is always with us, that He will comfort us, and provide in time of need. Teaching this to our children is another way to help them heal.

Whereas we might be hesitant at times to express need to others, giving way to that hesitation may hinder us from finding some key help in the process. Reach out and seek help!

A final note:

As I wrote the above, I had many scenarios in mind, not the least of which of course is the challenge everyone of us is facing right now with the Corona Virus. This is a world-wide traumatic experience playing out in all kinds of various degrees across our nation and the world. Adults and children alike have been affected.

With my wife and daughter being grade school teachers, we are hearing how many children are sad they can no longer attend school. They didn’t even say good-bye to friends or teachers. In every respect, this is a good time for us all to be practicing everything I have written!

–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk.com

Questions? Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts!

For more tips on how to walk through this life click this link… https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

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Six Actions When Someone Escalates the Situation

When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question – one I think we have all wondered about at times – so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.

Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and doing my best to communicate with friends and family (including all my grown kids) of the seriousness of the situation. One morning my wife, Zerrin, was telling our girls how frustrated she was about the news media and how they were blowing it up all out of proportion. She kept going on and on (in my mind) and my girls were agreeing. All the while, I was feeling increasingly angry because I felt like what she was saying might result in our girls not understanding the seriousness of the matter and then begin doing things that might put them and others more at risk.

At some point, I interrupted Zerrin to try to balance out or even stop the conversation. Then later, after my girls went out for a bit, I told my wife how angry I was and that she was undermining my attempts to help our girls clearly understand the crisis we are facing. She tried stating her thoughts, but I interrupted and pointed out how she was wrong with me and wrong in saying everything she had said to our girls.

THEN…

My wife got quiet, turned away from me, and finished what she was doing in the kitchen.

She had effectively PAUSED…

I can’t quite remember, but I might have said a few more things. And she remained quiet. Her PAUSE button was still on.

I started calming down – realizing she was practicing what I teach. The first step of the PLEDGEtalk process is to Pause when in a conflict. She was doing that well.

I also began experiencing shame – a good shame – which started the process of me evaluating what I had done wrong in the conversation. For example, I reflected on how I voiced my thoughts in a reactionary mode, rather than take the time to first think about what I wanted to say and how to say it best. I interrupted, rather than taking the time to listen to understand her perspective she was trying to tell me at first. And I scorned her for saying all she did to the girls, rather than talk with her about what I was concerned about.

For me, that was the effect of my wife pausing. It was a good thing. I needed time to see my wrong.

So again: what is the best way to handle communication when the other party escalates the situation?  I would say:

  1. Pause. Simply refuse to argue.
  2. Give time and space for the other person to calm down and think about how they were responding and what they might like to say if and when they were in a more emotionally controlled state of being.
  3. You might add at some point in a very quiet, slow, and gentle voice: “I am more than willing to discuss what you are frustrated about when we can do so in a quiet, helpful and healthy manner.” When finished saying this, don’t keep staring at them, simply say it and then turn back to doing what you were doing before. Staring only makes the other feel more pressured or stressed. Turning back to what you were doing, gives the other person time to think about what you just said without feeling pressured to respond.
  4. If you consistently find yourself in the position where another party escalates the situation with you, at some point – again in a very quiet, slow, gentle voice – you might say something like: “________ (name) often when we are in conflict or have an argument it seems as though you get quite upset or heated with me. Can you help me understand why?” OR “Am I doing or saying something or acting in a certain way that is causing you to get so upset with me?”
  5. If the other party does come back to talk in a better manner, or as in case #4 above, if they say you are doing something that causes them to react, then do everything in your power to listen well to what they have to say so that you might learn more about them and know how to better relate in the future.
  6. Finally, never hesitate to get outside help. When in a relationship with someone who consistently escalates the situation, it becomes quite damaging to the relationship.  Fear sets in, ongoing distance occurs between the parties, safety becomes an issue, and the relationship deteriorates. If this describes your situation, you may need to leave and/or get help to save the relationship. Call a wise friend or mentor, your Pastor or Priest, or a counselor to get help.

I hope this gives you some direction the next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone who escalates the situation! 

As always, leave your thoughts or questions below or send them to me! 

–Mark Oelze

Author and creator of PLEDGEtalk: when communication really matters! 

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STOP with me for just a moment to wonder…

In the last lines of the last verse of one of the most common Christmas songs, Joy To The World, we sing this repeated phrase: “… and wonders of his love, and wonders of his love, and wo-onders, wo-onders of His love.”  Can you hear it?

…AND WONDERS OF HIS LOVE.

Most often I would imagine, we think of the wonders of his love being shown in that Jesus sacrificed His life for us on the cross. Indeed, that kind of sacrificial love should cause us all to wonder every day of our lives! As we near the celebration of Christmas, however, we think of the love He has shown by coming to live in our world, in the flesh. Every other god is a distant god…a god that does not come close, but in fact, requires it’s worshippers to achieve all they can to somehow work their way close. But the God of the Bible came close to us.

Now THAT is something to wonder about!

God came so close that He:

  • lived in a womb for nine months. Wonder.
  • experienced every aspect of life from birth until he died at 33. Wonder!
  • learned everything from how to eat, walk, and talk to raising up a group of men who would change the world. Wonder again!!
  • loved and was loved by family, friends, and complete strangers. Wonder.
  • touched a man with leprosy when everyone else sought to chase the leper away. Wonder!
  • welcomed tax collectors, prostitutes, and all other sinners. Wonder!!
  • on the night of His betrayal, spoke to His betrayer calling him “friend.” Wonder again!!!

God came close, so very close.

Fear did not hold Him back; love propelled Him forward.

Over the next few days, you may have the opportunity to be close to people you love. On the other hand, you may have the challenge of being close to people you don’t even enjoy. And there are others of you who can only wish for that experience of closeness once again.

Whatever your case may be, I still invite you to wonder.

God came close to us, so that we might know the experience of being close to Him and shown how to be close to others.

The prayer I have for my self and each of you this coming year, is:

– that we might come to know and experience His closeness at least a bit if not a lot more, than we do today. Be patient, however, with the process. Relationships take time. In the first stanza of the song I mentioned earlier in this post, Joy To The World, one of the lines you will remember is:  “…let every heart, prepare Him room.” That’s what you and I must do more of this coming year–prepare more room for Him in our busy lives and restless hearts. And when we do, the closeness we may feel might just cause us all the more to experience the “wonders of His love!”

 

Merry Christmas from all of us at PLEDGEtalk!

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Do THIS When Feeling Crazy During the Holidays:

Do you feel crazy during the Holidays because everyone else seems to be having fun but you?

You think: It is supposed to be a time of celebration, but instead, you feel sad, angry, hurt, tense, or lonely. Why? How can that be? You want to be happy. For brief moments you might even feel happiness bubbling to the surface. Quickly however, it dissipates with gloom or despair in its wake. What is wrong with you?

It is difficult at times like these to make sense of what is happening inside us. We can’t explain it to ourselves, even less to anyone else. We wonder if we are just crazy.

If this is you, I am here to say:  you are NOT crazy.

As I spoke in this video the week of Thanksgiving, there is much to be thankful for. At the same time, life has great challenges and difficulties. If this is your experience now, it’s OK if you don’t feel the happiness and joy like others around you. Sadness, anger, feelings of loss or loneliness are a very real part of life as well. There are reasons for what you feel–whether you understand them or not.

What can you do?

LISTEN.

One of the steps we talk about that is so important in PLEDGEtalk communication is Listen. Good listening is essential for healthy communication. It is an absolute must. We listen to understand.

It starts with listening to ourselves:

Are you angry? Why? Are you Sad? About what? Tense? Because of…? Lonely? Stop and consider the reasons.  St. Augustine once said:

“Men go abroad to wonder

at the height of mountains,

at the huge waves of the sea,

at the long courses of rivers,

at the vast compass of the ocean,

at the circular motions of the stars,

and they pass by themselves without wondering.”

This year, during the Holidays, don’t ignore what is happening in your head.

That won’t help matters. Instead, wonder. Listen to yourself and wonder about what you are feeling and why. It won’t take away all the feelings, but they might begin to make more sense and help you realize you are not crazy after all. Understanding what we are feeling and why stops the whirlwind of confusion that so often robs us of the opportunity to engage the present. We miss what else is happening right before us that can bring positive emotions like joy. Here’s what I mean.

Perhaps this time of year for you is accompanied with real sadness. When you stop and wonder, you understand how much it is connected to a loss you experienced years before around the same time of year. It’s not crazy. It’s not bad. It makes sense. As you settle in and accept that, your mind comes to rest. You are Ok. The feelings are natural and normal. You don’t have to apologize for having them or work to push them away. Just feel.

After some time passes–maybe a few minutes, maybe more–take note to see if anything else comes into your focus. Is there a child nearby who is taking delight in a new toy? An adult having fun giving away a gift?  Beauty in the decorations around you? These experiences and more, bring their own emotions when we stop to wonder about them. And that too is ok! You don’t have to apologize for them either. It is Ok to feel sad when you reflect on past experiences, and it is ok to enjoy moments in the present. Both are very real. Neither contradicts the other.

When you take time to listen and understand what you are feeling and why, the darkness of confusion and feeling crazy gives way to the dawn of other emotions, even joy.

Here is second example. You are in the midst of a family gathering, and you aren’t really comfortable. You might be wishing you hadn’t come–or that the day goes by quickly. Stop a moment with me. Look around. Someone near you is angry, others are bickering. Too much alcohol is being consumed and you remember what happened last time that took place. Cutting remarks are flung back and forth in the name of fun, but it doesn’t really feel like fun. Now, wonder about what it is you are feeling and why. Are you tense? Hurt? Alone? Even angry? Of course you are. Those are natural and normal emotions to feel in situations like these. No need to apologize for them. You are not crazy or even alone in them (though others might not recognize or acknowledge them.) There is no need to run from these emotions, or turn away and stuff them.

What’s interesting to note is that once you understand what you are feeling and why, your energy is no longer needed to sort your feelings or keep them at bay. Instead, your mind is freed to consider what to do in response–or as I said above–to consider how to engage the present.

You are freed to ask yourself, what are your options? Maybe you find others in the room who look like they too are having a difficult time, and you reach out to connect with them. Good. Maybe you give yourself permission to leave before the party is over. That’s ok too. Perhaps on the other hand, you step into any of the above scenarios and voice your concerns: “It is not ok to keep ripping on so and so. That’s hurtful.”  Or: “Too much alcohol is not a good thing–remember what happened last time.” Or: “There’s a lot of frustration or anger in the room, what can we do to get along better with each other?”

Calling out what is can have the effect of bringing what is real to the forefront of everyone’s mind, and bring about change.

You might shy away from calling out what is, thinking you don’t have the courage. What if you thought instead–that it takes a lot of love–for all who are there. When you focus on the motivation of love, it casts away the fear of speaking up.

These are just two examples of many situations that will be played out in the next week to come. I don’t know what you will face. I do know this: I too will face moments where I might feel any number of emotions in the days ahead. If my time is to be well spent, I must stop and listen and wonder and accept what I am feeling and why. When I do, it will free me to engage more fully in the present to enjoy what I can and otherwise to make choices that will help better the experience for all.

May you be encouraged in the days ahead knowing you are not crazy. There are reasons for what you feel, but you can be freed to enjoy other feelings as well. And there are options–choices you can make to better your experience and the experience of those around you.

One final thought for those who like me, follow Christ.

Imagine all the emotions God the Father must have felt the day His Son was born on earth. Oh the joy–for He came to bring hope to the world; and oh the sorrow–because that hope would come with a great cost, the very death of His Son. What a strong mixture of emotions! But it wasn’t crazy. No doubt, both the Father and Son understood what they were feeling and why. And no doubt they focused most fully on the why–because of their love for mankind!

In whatever way I can–though feeble it might be–I wish to express that same love to each of you during this Christmas season!

What other ideas do you have to help us work through the myriad of emotions we experience during the Holidays?  Please share your thoughts below. I know I for one will be grateful!

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Mixed Feelings Around the Holidays? Do this!

When the holidays are right on top of us, it’s not uncommon to have mixed feelings. You want to enjoy the season but (and that’s the problem) there is a but. “So and so” is coming and when he does, there is always more tension in the air. Or, you are looking forward to the holidays, but it is a lot of work! Or, you wrestle because with all the hustle and bustle the real meaning of Christmas just seems to get forgotten. Or, this year it’s going to be different because someone you love is no longer here. That one’s hard; real hard.

Whatever the reason, you have mixed emotions about the Holidays. What do you do?

First hear this: you are not crazy for feeling the way you do!

You are not crazy and you are not alone. Many of us have mixed feelings. In fact I would go so far as to say most everyone does to some degree if they are honest. It is normal. It is called ambivalence–when you experience two or more opposing emotions or thoughts at virtually the same time. Ambivalence is what you feel every morning when the alarm goes off. You want to get out of bed, but you don’t want to get out of bed. You probably experience ambivalence numerous times throughout every day. And when the holidays come around, it’s not any different. You look forward to them in some ways, and in other ways maybe you don’t.

Second, remember there is reason for your mixed feelings.

Take some time and consider each of the ambivalent thoughts and feelings you experience. There is story behind each one. There is a reason why you feel each feeling the way you do and why you think each thought that you have.

Consider each of the following:

Of course you have misgivings about “so and so” coming over. If having him/her around causes tension in the air, no one enjoys that. Hence, mixed feelings. You want to enjoy the day, but can’t when you feel tense.

You look forward to the festive parts of the Holidays, but if you are the host or hostess, let’s face it – it can take a lot of work! It’s tiring! And that can rob you of some of the joy.

You know deep down inside it’s not about Santa, and lights, and partying. It’s about love for each other, and love from One who chose to show love 2,000 year ago by sending the world His Son. But sometimes we forget.

Or, spending this Christmas without that special one you loved so much – is very difficult. You want to enjoy the time, but how can you when you sorely miss the one you love?

Mixed feelings. Of course. And they make sense.

It’s OK.

Third, take time to PAUSE and reflect.

You need time to remind yourself of everything you just read. You aren’t crazy. There is a reason for everything you are feeling. It makes sense. You are Ok.

You also need time to capture your thoughts and dial down your emotions so you can re-focus once again on what matters most. For me, I aim take each moment I have and make it count in the best way I know how. Central to this is the four letter word:  L  O  V  E.  I have lived long enough in life to know that nothing matters more than loving well. It is what matters most.

Fourthly, decide to love as best you can.

Take time to enjoy each one present. Smile at them. Listen to them. Keep in mind each person has a history, a story they have been a part of that formed who they are. And each one is in want of being loved, whether they acknowledge it or not. Showing love will be easier in some cases more than others. At times it will be a joy, and other times feel nearly impossible. When it’s the latter, consider those who have loved you at times when you were most unloveable. Then seek to love those around you in the same way.

Finally, whether you know this to be true in your life or not, there is a God who loves you even when you are at your worst. God knows we are all in need of being forgiven for things we have done or said. None of us have loved those around us perfectly. In truth we have fallen far short of that. And when we face that reality, it feels bad inside. Therein lies the blessing of being forgiven. God stands ready to forgive us for loving imperfectly — to rid us of those bad feelings. He wants to go even further than that. He wants us to experience being fully and completely loved. And He invites us to follow Him, so that we in turn can love others as He has loved us.

That’s what Christmas is all about.

Jesus was born to show you, and me, and the entire world the full extent of love. Our prayer is that wherever you are in your spiritual journey, you will know and experience His love in a greater way than you do now. And for all who follow Him may you be strengthened this season and in the coming New Year to demonstrate His love to those around you.

Merry Christmas!

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