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Driving Conversation – How to be a good “Driver” in communication!

How to be a good “Driver” in communication!

This week in a PLEDGEtalk training on healthy communication for 35 people, I asked how many of them would say they were quick to listen and slow to speak their mind.  No one raised their hand. I was a bit taken aback. I asked a second and even third time to let them know I really wanted them to answer my question. Still, not a single hand went up in the room.

Now I was stunned!

Not even one person claiming to listen well? All 35 saying they were quick instead to speak?

And we wonder why we can’t connect – why conflict is so rampant in our world today?

When we are not quick to Listen, and instead are fast to speak we will cause a collision every time.  Sometimes the aftermath is very obvious, other times not so much – but make no mistake about it – damage has been done to the relationship, I can promise you that.

It is like driving a car and coming to a four-way intersection where you don’t even slow down to “listen” or pay attention to any other vehicles that are present, but instead hit the accelerator to get through first. Danger awaits when this happens!

I have an intersection just like that right outside my office window, one house down from me. I have heard, witnessed, and seen the aftermath of cars colliding because of one driver speeding through rather than Giving the other a nod – to let them go first.

Scary.

Sad.

And so simple to remedy.

When in conversation, GIVE each other a turn!

It requires that we:

  • limit what we say so there is time and space for another to speak. Are we aware of how much we talk? Is everything we want to say necessary to say?
  • bite our tongues when we want to jump in while another is talking. Is what we have to say SO important that it warrants interrupting someone and risking a collision in the relationship?
  • value what others have to say at least as much as what we have to say if not more. Felt love and respect will be the effect. Damage done will be repaired. Connection will deepen.
  • We must Give our ears AND ask to Give our voice – both are needed for communication to create and deepen connection.

What is one takeaway you will chew on from having read this today? Share below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Resolving Conflict

The ONE STEP that is Critical to Resolve Your Next Conflict!

To move a conversation forward in a healthy direction so that both parties feel safe, breathe again, and experience hope, someone has to offer help first…

Someone has to say “Let’s pause.”

Someone else to say “Let me be the first to volunteer to listen to your side of the story.” That same person has to then Echo back and finally, drop their arms so to speak to Disarm the conflict and validate the other person’s story.

But who goes first?

Good question.

I used to say, “the one with the greatest emotional wherewithal at the moment.”  In other words, the one who has the most emotional control at the time of the conflict – the one who is least likely to be reactive at the time – should go first.

I still say that, but I would add the following:

The one who volunteers first to take the right steps when in conflict will be the one who is aware not only of the call of love but also of   the cost to love.

If we are honest we have to admit – it is hard at times to do the right thing when in conflict, especially when that right thing is making oneself vulnerable by listening rather than defending.

We are SO PRONE to being defensive and reactive!

IT COSTS TO LOVE WELL!

We must Disarm the conflict by:

  • Giving up the “right” to fight.
  • Taking the first step of risk by “laying down our arms.”
  • Resisting the urge to defend when listening.
  • Seeking to hear their heart beneath their words.
  • And choosing to validate their thoughts, feelings, impressions, or stories without insisting they hear ours.  (We can request the latter but not insist.)

It is hard!

It is love!

LOVE IS HARD!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

*Listen to the short communication tip HERE that prompted these further thoughts.

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Understanding Anger

How to Show Understanding to an Angry Person

A person who is angry is angry about something … for some reason. In their anger, they communicate directly or indirectly what they are angry about. Our task is first, to listen well enough to “get it” and second, to make it clear in some way what we “get” so they know that we know why they are angry.

Here’s the challenge:  when someone is angry at us, we experience all kinds of reactions that are physical, mental, emotional, and even physical in nature. Muscles throughout our body tighten up. Memories or pictures of past events immediately flood our minds of when that person or another person has been angry at us in the past. Anxiety, fear, and even terror might overwhelm us.

The typical result? We either fight or take flight! (Freezing up is a type of fleeing.)

With PLEDGEtalk, I believe we can do better. It is still not easy, but doable and knowable as far as what is needed most by the angry person. They need to KNOW we have heard them.

The task is to Echo back what was said as fully as possible.

Take one (or three!) deep breaths (literally!) and Echo back what we heard. Don’t make it any more difficult than that. This is THE NUMBER ONE action that needs to be taken in the interaction. Echo back, then ask if we heard correctly – and get quiet. Wait for them to respond. Wait for them to either say yes we heard correctly or for them to continue with more explanation of why they are mad. If they do the latter – listen again until you “get” what else they are saying, then Echo back again, and ask once more if you heard correctly. You may need to do this several times until they calm down and have said all they feel they need to say.

But what if our reactions seem so strong that we can’t stay in the conversation to Echo back well? What then?

It’s why Pausing is so important to the PLEDGEtalk process. If I am overwhelmed physically, mentally, and emotionally, there is nothing better for me (and for the relationship) than to Pause. I must get quiet and/or get away where I feel safe and the other person will be safe from any harm I might otherwise incur with my words.

There is so much more I could say about this like:

  • we may need to repeatedly pause!
  • the length of the pause could be from 30 seconds to thirty hours, or even thirty days! I have paused with at least one person that I felt unsafe around even much longer than that!
  • we ultimately take the pause step – as in all steps of PLEDGEtalk – so that we keep from causing any further harm in the relationship and get back to love.

BUT…

…when we are able, we come back to the table and Echo back what we heard. In doing so, the person who is angry will experience being heard and understood. It is a good and solid step towards a helpful and healthy connection.

What is challenging for you when it comes to the step of Echo in the PLEDGEtalk process? Leave a reply below – even if just a word or sentence.

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How to Listen to an Angry Person

Further thoughts: Why is it so hard to listen to someone who is angry at you?

You know the experience – so do I. You have said or done something to someone which was apparently frustrating or hurtful. You didn’t mean to (or maybe you did) but they are reacting.

Why is it so hard to listen to them? And what can we do to change that?

It’s never fun having someone angry at you. At the very least it is quite uncomfortable, and at the most it is scary. As a result, we put up our guard and our fists – so to speak. We have been hurt or misunderstood in the past and we’re not about to get hurt again. We are ready to fight back!

Unless…

There is something of higher importance to us at that moment like:

  • doing the right thing rather than doing the thing that feels good at the moment
  • actually living out the proverb: “do unto others what you would have them do unto you.”
  • keeping the relationship and making it stronger.
  • And LOVE.  Oh yeah – that too!

I’ll be the first to admit…

IT IS HARD!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own reactivity. I am far more reactive than I like to admit. It’s why, when I am in a conflict, I have to work really hard at keeping myself on pause. I so want to jump in and show the other person where they are wrong! Rarely if ever is that helpful though.

And so…

  • I hit my own personal pause button again and again and again (did I say again?)
  • I do my utmost to stay quiet lest I speak unhelpful or even hurtful words.
  • I remind myself again and again and again (here I go again!) of who the person is to me, of what I want to model to others, and of how I most want to live my life.
  • I tell myself: I want to be known as a lover, not a reactor!
  • And so, I LISTEN!
  • I work hard to listen NOT to where they are in error, but to what I can learn. What is their perspective? What is the story in their head about what happened? What are they longing for in the relationship?

The next time someone is angry at you, will you do the same?

*In the comments below, tell me: what else works to help you be the best listener you can be, particularly when in conflict?

 

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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