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Decrease Polarization – How can I have more productive conversations?

Further Thoughts on How To Connect While Decreasing Polarization…

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

It’s probably more true for most of us than we’d like to admit – whenever we differ with someone on important matters we feel disbelief and disdain. What? They don’t think like we think? What is wrong with them?

Unchecked, the feelings lead to a felt disconnect and polarization.

Me against you.

Us against them.

Arguments might ensue as we try to convince the other they are wrong and we are right. Rarely, however, is either side convinced they are in the wrong.

At worst, we separate and no longer wish to associate with each other. At best, our enjoyment of each other is lessened and conversation stays superficial.

One of the essential matters missing when it comes to addressing our differences is a core understanding of why we differ. In the book The Righteous Mind – Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion, the author Jonathan Haidt sheds some very important insights into the why.

Haidt talks about the idea that the opinions any one of us hold to regarding divisive issues were not formed simply by our own cognitive processes. We didn’t just sit down one day with the the top ten hot topics and take 3 minutes on each one to think and decide on what side to land.

No!

We have come to the conclusions we have because of a lifetime of experiences, influences, encounters with various people, ideas and perspectives we have read or heard, and more. Our perspectives have been formed over a period of years. This is CRITICAL to keep in mind.

If we have come to our conclusions NOT by a simple rational process, but because of a host of life experiences and influences, no one will change their views through a simple rational discussion, debate or argument. It just won’t happen.

Jonathan Haidt goes on to say that if you even hope to influence another to turn from one way of thinking to another, you must give them a whole new set of experiences, and encounters in life with others who believe differently than themselves.  AND – this too is critical – it must be done in such a way that they open up to other possibilities with curiosity and appreciation of the experience.

For this to happen – relationship is key!  Love and respect for who they are regardless of what they believe is huge.

So your neighbor doesn’t believe the way you do? Don’t respond with disdain and disbelief. Of course they – and many others – disagree with what you believe.  Why? Because of their entire life experience up to that point. Love them as they are. Listen to and validate their story so that you gain a growing understanding of why they think like they do. Then get back to loving on them some more. Over time they just might be interested in what you think and believe and even ask you why. THEN, you tell them your life story and lifetime experiences that brought you to the place of believing what you do. If done graciously, not condescendingly or judgmentally, you just might over time see them re-consider their thinking.

But whether or not they do, we are still mandated to love them!

What strikes you most about what I have written?  Leave a thought below.

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Silent Moments – When should you use silence during interactions?

Further Thoughts on Silence…

Image by Gaertringen from Pixabay

Why is it so hard to be silent with someone?

There are numerous times in life when being quiet or silent is best. We wake up in the morning before anyone else, so we practice silence. We are watching a movie, attending church, or have been called to an important business meeting and must be quiet and silent. We are playing hide and seek with our children or grandchildren and we are silent – unless of course, we are helping them find us. We attend a wedding or a funeral and there are times of silence.

No doubt we can all think of times when we know we should remain silent but it is so hard to do so. Why?

Here are five reasons:

  1. We feel like we SHOULD say something so we do.
  2. It’s uncomfortable to remain in silence.
  3. We get an idea which we interpret as now having something we think is important to say.
  4. We like talking and telling people what we think, so we take silence as a sign of our time to talk.
  5. We aren’t aware there was a need for silence or that silence can be a good or helpful thing.

Note how each reason for why we “can’t” remain silent, has something to do with self being the focus. We feel like WE should say something, we are uncomfortable, we get an idea, or we like talking. And with number five, we haven’t thought long enough to even consider the needs of the moment.

With a simple shift of focus from our self to that of others, we can offer the wonder of silence.

  • When there is silence in a group, it offers others the opportunity to speak up who would not necessarily do so.
  • When silence is uncomfortable like at a funeral, it offers space and time for the one grieving to process their loss even as they are deeply encouraged simply by your presence.
  • When we keep silent rather than immediately expressing our ideas, it can enable us to consider if and when the best time is to share the idea, even as we stay focused on actively appreciating what others are saying.
  • When we remain silent rather than talk because we like talking, we discipline ourselves to become better listeners so that others can experience being heard.
  • And when we stop long enough to consider the need for silence, we become more self-aware enabling us to consider what might be most helpful to all at the moment.

When practiced deliberately and thoughtfully, silence is indeed a wondrous gift we can give to anyone and everyone!

Why else might it be hard to remain silent? What other wonders might take place if we choose to be silent in a given moment rather than give in to the urge to speak?

Leave a comment below to get us thinking!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Words Matter – How do your words affect others?

Further Thoughts on: Do Your Words Matter?

Here’s a very simple exercise:

  1. Take five minutes to write down the names of as many people as you can throughout your life, who have spoken to you with encouraging words (and upbeat tones) – supportive, helpful, positive, or life-giving words. Just write their names, one after another until you run out of time or can’t think of anyone else.
  2. Now take five minutes and write down the names of as many people as you can throughout your life who have spoken discouraging words (and/or negative tones) – hurtful, negative, even death words over you. Again, just write their names, one after another until you run out of time or can’t think of anyone else.

Now – let’s make some observations:

First, looking at your lists above, who have you enjoyed being around more throughout your life? This is really a no-brainer. It easily and quickly shows the impact of words!

Second, do a numbers comparison. If you were to redo the above exercise looking at just the people currently in your life who are positive or negative, how do the numbers balance out? Are there more positive people in your life than negative? That is great and certainly helps with one’s own emotional wherewithal.

Are there more negative people than positive? It stands to reason, you would be good to find some more positive people in your life. I have several good friends and some family members I make extra effort to be around because of who they are and the life-giving words and actions they give to others.

It also might be good to examine the relationships you have with the negative people in your life. Some are unavoidable such as family or people you work around. What can you do with these to bring a more positive experience into the relationship?  OR using the principles of TALK, how could you dialogue with them about the experience you and no doubt others have when they are around them – with the hope of bringing growth and greater connection?

Then there may also be those around you who need not be a part of your close circle, if at all. Think of the Proverbs:

  • “Make no friendship with a man given to anger…”  22:24
  • “A gossip goes around telling secrets so don’t hang around chatterers.” 20:19
  • “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.”  I Cor 15:33

Or quotes:

  • “Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than in bad company.” George Washington
  • “Nothing perhaps affects man’s character more than the company he keeps.” J. C. Ryle

THIRD and lastly – how do people view you? This is a tough one. I fear sometimes people see me as too intense. Or too much of a glass-half-empty person. Or one who complains or is easily frustrated. I see these things in myself enough that it causes me to practice smiling more in the mirror (yes I actually practice this sometimes!) It is what often drives me to take time away from the stresses in life so I can breathe more easily, reflect, pray, and meditate on truths from reading the Bible. And I regularly work at and deliberately choose to speak life words over people whenever I am aware and am given the chance to do so. I want to be a giver of life and love to those around me!

How do you react to what I have written above? Leave a one-word or sentence below to let me know!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Falling Out of Love – How do you address it?

Further Thoughts on When You Have Fallen Out of Love!

Feelings come and go.

Feelings are important – but they come and go.

Feelings are like lights on a dashboard – they indicate something is taking place that is important to be aware of.  Are your brights on? A dashboard light should let you know and remind you to turn them off when another car is approaching. Is a red light on in the dash that looks like a little battery? You just might want to stop and check it out soon, like really soon. I have a light that comes on to tell me when a door isn’t shut all the way. Helpful.

Do you feel mad? It is an indicator that something is taking place under “your hood” that would be good to check out. Do you feel glad? Stop a moment to think about why and be thankful. Do you feel anxious or afraid? That would be good to stop and note as well.

Paying attention to our emotions – like paying attention to the lights on our dash – gives us direction and instruction. It’s important, however, to understand what the lights or the emotions are directing us towards – what it is they are trying to tell us. On a recent trip, a light came on the dash of our SUV. I wasn’t remembering what it meant, and began to feel a bit uneasy – so I had Zerrin look it up in our manual. Thankfully, it was just a reminder that my door wasn’t closed all the way – which is another whole story because it really was but the indicator light was incorrect. Something malfunctioning with the switch when the door closes.

The feelings of love or the lack thereof – are also very instructional and give us direction. Sometimes, however, such emotion might indicate something that is inaccurate or not to be trusted – at least in our understanding of it. Let me explain.

A man meets a woman and there is a certain chemistry – an emotional experience indicating some kind of connection is taking place that might be worth checking out. The emotion is instructional and can lead to a direction in the relationship. But what if that chemistry experience takes place between two people where one or both are married? This is not an uncommon experience at all. The emotional experience is a light going off on our dashboard, but if we are not careful we will interpret it incorrectly. It is still giving us instruction and direction but about what?

Rather than interpreting the feelings of chemistry for another woman or man when married as something to pursue, and rather than reading the lack of feeling in love with the man or woman you are now with as a sign to abandon the relationship, take a look instead at what once was and may no longer be apart of your current relationship.  Nearly 100% of the time when I talk with couples struggling in their marriage I find that the amount of time they spend with each other currently is less than 10 or even 5% of the time they spent connecting when they first met. And they wonder where their feelings have gone? This is just one reason of many as to why feelings wane over time.

Betrayals of trust, the consequences of addiction, past trauma in life, and unresolved conflict of course play a huge role in deadening the feelings for another, but so does what we might erroneously assume as little matters. Failing to greet one another enthusiastically, looking at each other when conversing, holding hands, helping each other in various tasks, being kind and respectful, laughing and having fun together, exploring or going on adventures, and learning something new together were all part of what most of us did at the beginning of the relationship.  Each one added to the chemistry!

As I said at the beginning of this post, feelings come and go. It’s important to recognize it is a common experience and that we don’t misinterpret why. We must instead be careful to “read” them accurately so we receive the correct instruction from them and head in a healthy direction as a result. This is exactly what Zerrin and I do whenever we sense a lack of closeness. We stop to take note. We seek what issues past or present might need to be addressed. We talk about what “little matters” need to be reinjected again into our relationship. And in time, the feelings return.

A final word:  the larger the issue, the more likely we need outside help. But understand, addressing the “little matters,” are just as critical. If not taken care of, they will become a big issue over time that drives you apart. I implore you to pay attention to the emotional dashboard lights you might be seeing in your marriage. Address them now. Talk about them. Take healthy action steps between you and consider getting additional help if needed.

Marriage works if we do the needed work on ourselves and the needed work together.

Zerrin and I are 41 years and counting…

Leave your thoughts or questions below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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