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Halting Conflict – What can you do to stop conflict before it starts?

Further Thoughts on How To Keep Conflict From Creeping Up On You!  10/19/23

For various reasons, I suspect almost everyone is afraid of conflict. Because of this, we do all we can to avoid it. This includes redefining conflict as something other than what we are currently experiencing. We think, as long as we aren’t ______________  (fill in the blank) we aren’t really having conflict. As long as we aren’t physical with each other, or yelling, or using hurtful language, or… we aren’t in conflict. The result? Much of the conflict we experience is never attended to. We brush past it because we don’t see it for what it is – real conflict. It may be low-level conflict in your eyes, but it is nevertheless, still conflict. The danger of not attending to low-level conflict is that frustration and resentment builds until we have a full-blown conflict, which is nearly impossible to manage.

Address conflict even when it’s in its infancy stage!

Here’s the good news: if you know PLEDGEtalk, you can do this. Simply say something like: “Hey I think something just happened between us that doesn’t feel right. ‘I said this and you said or did that’ (or ‘You said this and I said or did that’). Can we stop a moment (pause!) and back up to see what just happened?” Then volunteer to LISTEN first, then ECHO, and then DISARM the tension by validating what the other shares.

QUESTION: Why would you not do this?

Some might say: “that would take too much time!”

  • That might indeed be true – especially at first.

  • At the same time (see how I did that? I did not use the word BUT), think of how much time is lost because you both feel the disconnect even from low-level conflict. And, when things blow up you waste hours, days, weeks, or even longer because of the fighting and distance between each other.

Others might say: “that sounds like a lot of work!”

  • And again I would say, yes – it takes a lot of work!

  • I would also add – it is the best kind of work! Building strong relationships will pay HUGE benefits throughout your lifetime!

And still others might say: “it’s simply too scary to address conflict even if it is low-level conflict.”

  • That makes sense. Even I often feel the discomfort when engaging in conflict conversations.

  • Here’s what helps the scariness: learning PLEDGEtalk like the back of your hand. When you practice the principles every day in every conversation, they become a part of who you are. So when conflict happens you will know exactly what to do. Add to that, when you and your partner, or friend or co-worker both know the process and agree to use it, all the better.  You might ask what to do if they don’t know PLEDGEtalk. Good question – ask them if you can share it with them so you can both better your communication with each other and create a strong relationship!

Over this past weekend, my wife and I had a pretty significant conflict. Because we were in different parts of the country we were forced to pause for a few days until we were together again. The good news is we had an AMAZING conflict conversation, all guided by PLEDGEtalk! You can learn to do the same.

A final thought…

One of the biggest reasons we don’t attend to conflict at all – whether it is low-level or full-blown conflict – is because it requires us to work on ourselves and change! I know this is true. As Zerrin and I talked through our conflict last night I learned more about myself and one specific area that I needed to do some work on me! I remind myself though, it is the best kind of work!!!

Hope that helps for the week – now practice all the above over the weekend. Engage the PLEDGEtalk process with any and all conflict you might experience!

(If you need a review of PLEDGEtalk, download the infographic HERE!)

What might make you hesitant to address even low-level conflict?  Leave a comment below!

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Pausing In Conflict – How do you better utilize listening?

Further thoughts on the most important step to take when in conflict!  10/12/23

Do either of you feel a bit of tension right now – this moment – between you?” I had stopped a couple mid-sentence in a recent counseling conversation to ask them the question.

They looked at me, then at each other, as if they were assessing the situation. First, the husband and then the wife agreed. They were experiencing tension, though they would not have recognized it as such if I had not stopped to ask.

We talk about PLEDGEtalk being a six-step process to resolve conflict – and then miss the most important time to put it into practice. The time is the VERY moment when you experience even the smallest amount of tension in you, in the person in front of you, or in between you.

PAUSE and start the process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

All too often we don’t notice the tension. Perhaps we are unaware of low levels of tension. We weren’t taught much about emotions or what to do with them so we trained ourselves to ignore them.  Maybe we are too focused on ourselves and what we want to say that we miss seeing the tension. It could also be that we don’t care at that moment – we just want to unload. Unfortunately, in doing any of the above we sail right past the tension, and the wind picks up rather quickly until we are in a full-blown conflict storm.

Instead, PAUSE and start the PLEDGEtalk process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

Another error people make when they first hear me teach PLEDGEtalk is to think that Pausing is only something to do when in conflict, at the beginning of the process. Though I am glad they recognize and may even practice the step of Pause in this way – it is not at all the only time to do so. Throughout any conflict conversation, tensions will rise and fall. My counsel is to pause repeatedly as often as you experience the tension. Sometimes it will be a verbal pause “Excuse me, I’m sorry, I know I just reacted, give me a moment to dial down and do better at communicating (or listening.)”  You take a few deep breaths, remind yourself how this person matters to you, tell yourself they have a story that needs to be heard too, and then you begin again. Sometimes it is an internal pause, where you catch yourself before reacting outwardly. You rehearse the same line of thinking as just written, as you work to stay focused in your listening to hear what the other wants you to hear. This type of “pausing” could take place numerous times in a conflict conversation.

In addition, if we add the idea that we can use the PLEDGEtalk principles in every conversation throughout the day, we will see even more opportunities to Pause! If we just catch ourselves from interrupting others, if we stop reacting to every idea that we don’t agree with, if we don’t take everything personally – and Pause instead – we might be surprised how often we use that first step of PLEDGE.  When I stop and think about it, I bet I pause a hundred times a day or more!  Not saying that to say how good I am as much as to say how reactive I can be!

Just in case you didn’t get the main point in this post, here it is again:

PAUSE and start the PLEDGEtalk process – the MOMENT TENSION IS FELT!

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What’s your takeaway – leave a sentence below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

If you are new to PLEDGEtalk, download the Infographic by CLICKING HERE and learn how to quiet the storms in your relationships!

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Supporting Grieving – How do you better help a loved one in mourning?

Further thoughts on Supporting a Loved One in Mourning: Practical Tip and Guidance:

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

What does someone need most when they are grieving? Dr. Alan Wolfelt from the Center For Loss & Life Transition, says they need a companion. In his work, Introduction to Companioning the Bereaved he says the following:

“… the word “companion,” when broken down into its original Latin roots, means “messmate”: com for “with” and pan for “bread.” Someone you would share a meal with, a friend, an equal. I have taken liberties with the noun “companion” and made it into the verb “companioning” because it so well captures the type of counseling relationship I support and advocate. That is the image of companioning—sitting at a table together, being present to one another, sharing, communing, abiding in the fellowship of hospitality.”

I love this.

Com means “with” and pan means “bread.”

When we first moved to Wichita, KS we felt like we were supposed to practically live out what it meant to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We began by deliberately looking for and actually creating reasons to get to know our neighbors.

My wife baked cookies or bread and one by one, we delivered them to each one who lived on our block as we introduced our family and told them we were glad we got to be neighbors. We instigated the Neighborhood Watch program on our street specifically so we’d have an excuse to invite all our neighbors together and introduce them to each other. We looked for opportunities to be neighborly, helping one neighbor dig out an old stump from his front yard, and babysitting the children of another neighbor.  Then along with another couple, we began a neighborhood Supper Club. For years we invited all our neighbors up and down our street and some from around the corner to have a potluck dinner together in our home. We had from 8 to 40 people on any given Wednesday night!

All of us experienced the “com” part (being with) as we “panned” together. We broke bread and had a smorgasbord better than any in town! Significant relationships were established between everyone, and we had numerous opportunities to “companion” each other over time. We laughed together and listened to each other’s stories. We loved on and cried with one person whose brother committed suicide, and with a couple who experienced a miscarriage. We even attended funerals together.

We became like family – because of “companioning.”

What does it mean to be a companion?

Webster’s definition is: “one that keeps company with another.”

Our universal experience might say that a companion is someone who comes over to be “with” us, to enjoy us, to listen to us, to help us, to cry with us, to encourage us, or to go through all or even a portion of life with us.

Here are a few practical thoughts:

  • People everywhere and all around us need a companion. Remember at the core of who we are, we are relational beings.
  • Though everyone needs a companion, you can’t be a companion to everyone.
  • Then who are you to be a companion to?
  • In the immediate sense:  anyone around you at any given time, starting with those closest to you. Does your spouse, your child, your friend, or your workout partner sense you being “with” them? Do you listen well, seek to be of help, cry (feel) with them what they are feeling, encourage them, and cheer them on? Do you help them feel not so alone in this world?
  • In the broader sense: Who comes to mind in your circle of influence who might use a companion especially right now? Look around you. Is someone you know struggling in life? Hurting because of a loss through death, divorce, or distance? Do they sense you care because you are “with” them in this part of their journey?
  • Lastly, you need a companion too! It is often hard to admit – even for me – but we also need others to walk with us and help us in our times of need. Again, look around you in your circles of life. Find one person you would most like to be able to be real with about matters of concern in life. Ask them to do lunch or coffee. Share this post with them, and dare to ask if they might be a “companion” and if you could do the same for them.

To watch this week’s video short CLICK HERE!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

In the comments below, tell me one thing you have experienced with someone who was a “companion” to you in some way or another.

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Solving Conflict – How to fight WITH problems instead of others?

Further Thoughts on: Do You Fight With or Against Each Other When in Conflict?

(CLICK HERE to watch the short video!)

Picture the last argument you experienced. You were facing each other pointing out how you were right and the other was wrong.  My guess is the conversation didn’t go very well. In fact, most likely it went from bad to worse – and you wondered why.

Now picture yourself going back in time to that same argument. Before you start the argument – or as soon as you realize an argument has ensued – STOP.

Look at the person in front of you. Do they matter to you? How much? And why? Likely they matter a great deal. Good. Taking this moment to remind yourself of how much they matter can help you with the next few steps.

Think: that person is not your problem. There obviously is a problem or you wouldn’t be in conflict. But that PERSON is not the problem. Neither are you.

Keep thinking: picture the problem as being “out there” that you both have to work on. It is something that happened that needs to be looked at and addressed. Rarely does either party do or say to purposely hurt the other. (And if they did, you have another problem!) Now envision turning away from each other and sitting side by side to look instead towards the problem.

First: decide what is the PROBLEM.

In most conflicts, the PROBLEM is some form of miscommunication.

  • Someone wasn’t listening fully
  • One of you feels misunderstood
  • A tone was used or a word spoken that was hurtful
  • Someone reacted before you were able to explain fully

The PROBLEM could also be some degree of polarization of ideas. Read my ideas on this from last week’s blog post and video by CLICKING HERE. The shortened version is this: when it comes to issues that divide us, we must recognize that we each have arrived at our own views over the course of time based on numerous inputs or experiences. Thus, if we hope to influence someone to view an issue differently, we must keep in mind it will take time, understanding, and different inputs or experiences to possibly persuade them. This requires great patience and the pursuit of relationship over recruitment!

And in most cases, at least to some degree, the PROBLEM stems from sheer self-serving interest.

  • In most conversations, and especially conflict, we default to looking first after our own interests. Unfortunately, when and as we do, it most often leads to poorer communication, more conflict, and an inability to resolve it when it happens.
  • In PLEDGEtalk we speak of the underlying motive for good, healthy, and helpful conversation – being that of love. Saying it another way, we must choose to place the idea of serving others above ourselves. This is similar to what I just wrote, that we must make the pursuit of relationship, more important than the pursuit of recruiting people to see things our way.
Second, after we have determined to at least some degree, what the PROBLEM really is, we turn side by side to work on the problem. 

Image by Tomas Gomez from Pixabay

I am not saying we literally no longer talk face-to-face. If that helps great, if not, fine. What I am saying is, together, work on the PROBLEM – not “work” on the other PERSON. And to do so we use the PLEDGEtalk process to guide the conversation with the motive of love, putting the other person first with each step of PLEDGE.

Recently I was frustrated at Zerrin over how she wanted to spend our evening – and it caused some conflict.

We both felt it. So we STOPPED – or in PLEDGEtalk language, we Paused. Doing so gave me some time to reflect. As I did, I realized I was making some assumptions about Zerrin and judgments. I had to admit to myself, I didn’t know if they were true or not but I could feel a lot of emotional energy around them. As I continued to reflect, I began to think of how we are just different. When we have free time in the evening, she might want to spend it one way, and I another – because of views and ideas about time and life that are different. Not wrong, just different.

Upon understanding the above, I sensed the negative emotional energy draining away and I was able to see the PROBLEM for what it was – and that it wasn’t the PERSON of my wife. This set us up for a later conversation where we shared our thoughts and life experiences leading to some greater understanding and appreciation of each other with no harm done to each other in the way we related. Quite the contrary, love was experienced and greater connection as a result.

When in conflict we must learn to fight WITH each other on the problem itself, not AGAINST each other as if the person is the problem!

Comments? Thoughts? Reflections? I’d love to hear them below!

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