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Connecting with Others – Why is it important?

Further thoughts on how to connect!

We were five minutes into a conversation – just five minutes – and I could tell my eyes were watering. I was tearing up. Why? How in such a short amount of time?

LISTENING!

(CLICK HERE for the youtube SHORT!)

I knew it all had to do with listening!

I had been paired up with the trainer in a refresher course on counseling, who had been teaching about how to communicate. One of us was to share something significant that was going on in our life at the time, and the other was simply to listen.

I shared and my partner – the instructor – listened.

She listened WELL.

And I was in tears.

Why?

We all want to know that we matter at the core of who we are. That someone sees us, understands us, and cares. In short, that we are loved.

This is universally true about all mankind.

Some people might try to argue with their words or actions that they don’t want to be loved, but I promise you it’s a front. They have been so hurt in life they won’t allow themselves to even think about it, let alone let anyone else know love is what they want. So they act independent, tough, cool, hard, never letting on that they need anything or anyone. But as I said, it’s a front. It’s not true. It’s a lie they communicate, even to themselves. Keep this in mind – not to call them liars – but to love them anyway. Over time the walls will come down.

Why was I in tears? Because I was experiencing being cared for or loved by someone in the way they were listening to me.

She acted very interested in what I was saying – because she was interested. It wasn’t just practice.

How interested are you really – am I – when someone is talking to us?

Her whole posture signaled to me she was listening. Her eyes, face, and body position all communicated that I mattered, that she cared. And I felt loved.

How often do you – do I – think about how we posture ourselves when someone is speaking? Do we lean in? Ask questions? Look interested? Sit in wonder with what someone might be sharing with us?

Note again the effect – within 5 minutes I had tears in my eyes. How we communicate with others and why changes everything. In this case, it turned a routine practice listening session into an emotionally stirring real-life moment having such an impact that I remember it 10 years later!

When you finish reading this, who will you likely see first?

Go now. Be different in the way you relate to that person. Listen well with your entire being. In doing so, you will give that person a very real taste of love.  And they just might remember it for the rest of their lives!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Slowing Down – How do you start?

Further Thoughts on SLOWING DOWN. 7/13/23

In this week’s video (CLICK HERE), I talked about the importance of SLOWING DOWN in our communication – when we listen…when we respond with our thoughts…when we ask a question.

SLOW DOWN  when we listen.

It is all too easy for anyone of us at any time to…

  • jump to conclusions when someone is speaking;
  • become defensive or reactionary;
  • assume we know what the other person is going to say;
  • interrupt with our own ideas;
  • simply be more interested in what we want to say than what they are saying.
  • So – SLOW DOWN!

SLOW DOWN  when we respond.

We must take time to respond so that we are sure to…

  • listen well to what they want us to hear – not what we want to hear for our defense;
  • learn well – whatever we need to understand to come to an “a – hah” moment.
  • love well with our response to create or deepen connection not lessen it!
  • So – SLOW DOWN!

SLOW DOWN  when we ask a question.

It is most helpful when asking a question that we…

  • do so in an effort to clarify what they are saying;
  • show that we care about THEM and what THEY are attempting to communicate;
  • draw them out by saying things like:  “Tell me more about…”
  • show they matter by allowing them to “keep the mic” while we ask to learn more;
  • become silent after asking a question to give whatever time is needed to answer;
  • work to create a feeling of safety when asking questions and in all communication;
  • So SLOW DOWN!

What is a takeaway for you in one of these areas? Write it in the comment section below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Patience and Conflict – How does it affect your everyday life?

Further thoughts on the need for patience when in conflict!

I have traveled and experienced enough to know that not everyone lives the same as we Americans. One of the big differences is the pace at which we live our lives. During one of our last dinners while in Italy, I was reminded AGAIN of the need for patience.

We were a bit short on time and wanted to explore more of the city of Florence, but needed to grab a bit to eat first. Note the words:  “a bit short on time” and “needed to grab.”

Not a good start.

We ducked into a local cafe and ordered a few dessert items to go, and then decided to eat something more substantial first in their restaurant. We were told to find a seat, and they would bring us our dessert.

We found a nearby table so we could be served fast.  As we settled in, I kept my eye on the waiter, hoping to catch his.

He soon came to our direction, and I was hopeful – until he walked on by without even looking at me.

Huh? What was that about?

I gave him the benefit of the doubt until it happened again and again. THEN I watched as he went over by a buddy, leaned against a counter and chatted a bit.

I felt my irritation rising. What was he doing?

I figured I needed to be a bit more direct so I called out to him the next time he came around and asked if we could get some water. He spoke minimally from a different language of course and shortly came back with two glasses – empty.

I thought: huh? again.

So I went back to waiting, feeling even more fidgety.

By this time I had stories going on in my head… They obviously don’t like foreigners. I must have set him off when I asked for water. He’s really not a very friendly guy. For some reason, he is doing everything he can to avoid me. I don’t think I was that bad to warrant this. What is up with him?

AND THEN…

A very nice young lady came out from the cafe with a glass bottle of cold water, our dessert, and asked what else we would like to eat.

Huh? (yet again!)

I thought the GUY was our waiter!  How did this gal know to bring us everything?

Then I felt like a smuck… Probably none of the stories were true. I had forgotten we were in a different culture, where they do things differently. I was just being impatient. My lack of regard for others and their culture along with my impatience, created a conflict that really didn’t exist – except within me!

I thought… how often does this kind of thing take place in me and really in all of us?

In a very real way, every person I interact with has a culture (think “background”)  that is different than mine. Keeping that in mind and focusing on being patient enables me to push back the “stories in my head” rather than be controlled by them. This along with believing the best in others will go a long way to bring about positive outcomes in our conversations!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

How about you? Do you tend to be patient or impatient in conversations?  Leave a comment below!

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Relationships Matter – What’s Important about Relationships?

Further Thoughts on “WHY I am so committed to relationships that matter – and you should be too!” 6/29/23

(CLICK HERE to watch the video that sparked these thoughts!)

If you were blessed to have children or have ever spent much time around them you have heard one word more than any other: WHY?

Kids are forever asking the question. The fact of the matter is most of us like kids are still asking the why – a lot!

  • Why is _________ not working?
  • Why is this happening in my body?
  • Why is the world in the condition it is in?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why are you mad at me?
  • Why do you care? Why do I care?
  • Why are my kids not doing as I say?
  • Why are you reading this post?

Here’s one more:  Why should you be so committed to those relationships that matter?

It’s one of the most important WHY questions.

HERE’S WHY:

  • Our relationships are gifts – even the tough ones.
  • We need each other.
  • Go it alone and you have no one to fall back on.
  • If you don’t take care of the relationship with your spouse or your __________, then who will?
  • All of life is about relationships. All of eternity is about the same. Best to figure it out now!
  • We are told to love – even our enemies! (Says an important figure in history whose name is Jesus.)
  • There is nothing more important, more fulfilling, more joy-bringing, more lasting, more needed, more craved for, more important than relationships.

Now I understand, relationships are a love/hate experience. I get that. I have known both extremes – quite often actually. When I am on the side of feeling the hate, I have to fight through it to get back to love. And it is a battle! Sometimes I can turn the tide fairly quickly, sometimes it has taken days, weeks, even years.

BUT fight I MUST because of the WHY.

Knowing the WHY keeps me in the battle until

love once again wins out.

How about you? What “why” would you underscore from above or add to the list?  Share your comment below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Using Your Time – How do you better utilize the time in your day?

Further Thoughts on Doing THIS With Your Time!  6/22/23

Every day of our lives we are faced with a question. What will we do today with our time? We only have so much – there is no way to gain more or multiply it. Like money from our paycheck, we will spend our time in some way, but what way?

If you watched this Tuesday’s video (you can view it HERE), you will recall me telling you about stopping on my walks to talk to neighbors. In doing so I must confess, I often experience ambivalence when the opportunity arises to talk or keep on with my walk. I experience further ambivalence the longer I stay in the conversation – do I continue to engage or seek a way to wind it down so I can get back on my walk?

Just. Being. Honest.

You might experience the same.

Do you linger at the dinner table a little longer to listen to your children chatter or your spouse share about their day? Or do you excuse yourself as quickly as you can to get back to that project? Or, do you even take time to eat together with the family at all?

Do you say hi to your neighbor when going in and out of the house or quickly dash inside so you don’t have to talk?

Do you hurry out of church?

Do you look at the cashier and even wonder how they are doing?

Do you take walks, hold someone’s hand, or sit to enjoy and/or offer your presence with someone who may not have as much of a sense of purpose or love in their life as you might have?

I could go on and on with questions like these which often come to mind and stop me in my tracks.

To be sure, we can’t always spend the amount of time we would like to with someone or the amount of time they would like us to with them. There ARE projects or other needs to which we must attend. Again, there is only so much available time on any given day.

The challenge I face, and the challenge I give to you is this:

How often do you stop and look around at the faces you see and ask yourself what is most important right here and now? To get on with my agenda? Or to perhaps deviate from that even if it is for just a short bit to bring a little encouragement or hope to someone through your presence and your time?

Ok – that is all the time I have now for this post. Trust me though when I say, as I write this, I linger with you in the challenge. What helps me most when I am not sure which way to go, is the value and realization I have come to believe in life – that there is nothing more important in life than relationships!

Who will you spend more time with this week as a result of reading this? Leave a comment below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Listening to Others – What does listening communicate?

Further Thoughts on Listening to Other’s Stories…  6/15/23

(* To learn more on today’s thoughts, go HERE to watch a short video.)

We often think communication is speaking, but listening is also a form of communicating. By listening to another, we communicate to them:

  • you exist
  • you matter
  • what you say matters
  • you are valuable
  • you are important
  • I care for you
  • you are worthy of my time

Put it all together:

“Right here and now I want to take my time to communicate to you by my listening that I see you. I hear you. I care for you. You are important to me. I value our relationship. Because of this you matter, and what you say matters.”

Listening is one of the most significant ways to communicate love to another human being.

Consider further even one of the “messages“ we communicate to another when we listen.

“You exist.”

At the core of every human being, is this passionate cry to know that we matter here on earth – that there is reason for our very existence. And being shown by another they see us and hear us – that in their eyes we exist and have value – brings a sense of deep purpose.

Ok – stop a moment.

Think: who is the first person that comes to mind that you know you need to or want to communicate love by carefully and genuinely listening to them?

Now, before the day is done – go and listen!

What do you hear being communicated to you when someone takes time to listen? Leave a comment below to let me know you are “listening!” 😊

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Demonstrating Kindness – The One Thing You Can Do So Others WANT to Be Around You!

Further Thoughts on Kindness: The One Thing You Can Do So Others WANT to Be Around You! 6/8/23

Recently, I spoke of how kindness and beauty have one thing in common: they both attract.

It’s one of the reasons I love being around my wife. She is one of the kindest people I know. She makes bread for neighbors, regularly writes notes to family and friends, graciously helps to take care of my parents, puts the extra touch on times of celebration in our home and gifts we give, and more.

I personally experience her kindness through her tireless listening to me processing life and thoughts from the day; through her encouragement of me on a very regular basis in all my emotional ups and downs and times of self-doubt; through her love and acceptance of me and all my faults; through her cheerleading all my efforts to have an impact in the world around us. And because of this, there is no one in the world I would rather be around. She supports me more than anyone I know.

I remember experiencing kindness for the first time when I was eight years old at a church camp six hours from home, crying because I was homesick! The camp Director of 300 children took me aside, into his office and spent some time loving on me, and helping me through my pain. That was 56 years ago and I have a very strong memory still yet of that experience in my mind.

Kindness does that I think – it’s experience registers deep within our souls.

I remember attending some counselor training 15 years ago and partnering up with one of the leaders for an exercise of listening well. She suggested I share first about something significant going on in my life. I did, and within two minutes, I was surprised to have tears whelming up in my eyes. I wondered how that could happen so quickly! After just a few moments of reflection, I knew why. This trainer I was matched up with, knew how to listen well. And she did so very genuinely.

Again, my soul was moved and stirred to tears.

I experience being “kinded“ when undergoing medical care, and the caregiver is especially caregiving. I experience kindness by the smile and extra effort made to help me when I am in a store. Kindness stirs me to great appreciation when a neighbor stops by to offer help when they see me working on a project.

There are countless ways kindness can be expressed. But it always has this effect on me: I am drawn to the person who shows it. I even marvel at them!

Communicating to others, in a way that shows they matter is a way you and I can demonstrate kindness every day, all day long, in each conversation. It is what the principles of PLEDGEtalk are all about!
Tell us below about an experience where you were “kinded” by someone!

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Fighting Conflict – What if we saw conflict THIS way instead?

Further Thoughts on What If We Saw Conflict THIS way?

At the core of conflict lies the existence of differences.

In marriage, writer and Theologian, GK Chesterton, called it incompatibility:

“I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, AS SUCH —– ARE INCOMPATIBLE.”

We are all incompatible with each other in one way or another. This is because there are no two people exactly alike on the planet. Whether it is today or tomorrow, there will be moments in time, seasons, and experiences, that will bring about feelings of incompatibility.

One could argue that differences, conflict, felt or real incompatibility are all various points on a continuum. What is most important, however, is what we will do when they occur.

Chesterton said the real issue is “fighting through the moments when the incompatibility becomes unquestionable.”  In other words – there you are. You know the other person is mad or hurt, or you are mad or hurt. Someone has rolled their eyes. There is a tone that was heard. You or another has shut down or walked away. It is unquestionable – you have come to a moment in time when you are incompatible or are in conflict. It is right then and there you must be determined to FIGHT!

But, you must fight FOR the relationship… you must fight FOR each other, not AGAINST each other!

Saying it another way, neither I nor Chesterton would suggest that you learn how to argue or fight well against each other. We are saying you must fight FOR the relationship by fighting THROUGH those moments!

You see – when a conflict happens…and you feel at odds or incompatible – there is an enemy that wants to see the relationship destroyed. In the Bible, the enemy is called satan. If you don’t believe in satan, you might use other terms like evil, self-centeredness, or greed. These are all enemies of relationships. THESE are what we must fight THROUGH to save the relationship.

We must all fight at times through our own tendencies to be greedy or think more of ourselves and less about others. We must all fight through our desires to protect ourselves even at the expense of causing others to feel outcast. We must all fight at times through our desire to hurt someone back when they have hurt us. We must all fight through our thoughts and motives that are dark.

When we fight THROUGH our own enemies rather than AGAINST the other person, we pave the way to learn from our differences; for conflict to be resolved; and for incompatibilities to at least be understood if not done away.

And LOVE

begins

to EMERGE

and

extend —– towards another.

What does it take for us to fight THROUGH our own enemies so that LOVE begins to emerge?  Leave your comment below!

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The “WIN” Mindset – How do you avoid it?

Further Thoughts on What to Avoid to NOT Ruin Your Relationships!

Don’t make it your goal to WIN when you are in a conflict! THAT mentality will lead to the ruin of your relationships!

Now you might say “I’m not out to win! I just want to get him to see my point!”

OR:  “She is always right. I can’t take it anymore. She has to see there are other ways of looking at things!”

I get it.

I understand both ideas. Frustrating experiences for sure.

Maybe if I define what I mean by “win” you might find it more helpful. Here’s how I would define having a “win” mindset when you enter into a conversation or argument:

  • when the number one goal is to be sure YOU are being heard
  • when you know you are right and you are doing all you can to make sure the other person knows it
  • when you are doing more talking than listening
  • when what you are listening for is all the errors in thinking that the other person mention
  • when consciously or subconsciously there is the idea that there is only one right answer and you have it.

The “win mindset” is most noticeably present:

  • when you know you are being reactive
  • when you experience some kind of anger – whether it is irritation, frustration, aggravation, rage, being ticked, or just plain anger.
What can we do when we discover we have a “win” mindset that is driving us and damaging our relationship?

Ask yourself what you want most.  To win or be winsome?  I fear for your relationships if winning stays the predominant focus. But if you sought to be winsome – you might positively affect the relationship.

Winsome comes from the Old English wynn, meaning “joy” or “pleasure.” (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)

A verse in the Bible, Romans 12: 20, 21 says:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Whereas the person you are having conflict with may not be your “enemy,” the principles still apply. What if instead of fighting to be right, we sought instead to overcome our differences by changing focus and doing something good for or to the other?  What if we did acts of kindness, or sought to bring them joy? And what if we spent more time working on ourselves than working on changing the other?

By “offering them a drink” or food for their hunger, could we become winsome in our approach and maybe in doing so, even win some?

Just some thoughts.

What are your thoughts in relation to mine?  Leave them below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Driving Conversation – How to be a good “Driver” in communication!

How to be a good “Driver” in communication!

This week in a PLEDGEtalk training on healthy communication for 35 people, I asked how many of them would say they were quick to listen and slow to speak their mind.  No one raised their hand. I was a bit taken aback. I asked a second and even third time to let them know I really wanted them to answer my question. Still, not a single hand went up in the room.

Now I was stunned!

Not even one person claiming to listen well? All 35 saying they were quick instead to speak?

And we wonder why we can’t connect – why conflict is so rampant in our world today?

When we are not quick to Listen, and instead are fast to speak we will cause a collision every time.  Sometimes the aftermath is very obvious, other times not so much – but make no mistake about it – damage has been done to the relationship, I can promise you that.

It is like driving a car and coming to a four-way intersection where you don’t even slow down to “listen” or pay attention to any other vehicles that are present, but instead hit the accelerator to get through first. Danger awaits when this happens!

I have an intersection just like that right outside my office window, one house down from me. I have heard, witnessed, and seen the aftermath of cars colliding because of one driver speeding through rather than Giving the other a nod – to let them go first.

Scary.

Sad.

And so simple to remedy.

When in conversation, GIVE each other a turn!

It requires that we:

  • limit what we say so there is time and space for another to speak. Are we aware of how much we talk? Is everything we want to say necessary to say?
  • bite our tongues when we want to jump in while another is talking. Is what we have to say SO important that it warrants interrupting someone and risking a collision in the relationship?
  • value what others have to say at least as much as what we have to say if not more. Felt love and respect will be the effect. Damage done will be repaired. Connection will deepen.
  • We must Give our ears AND ask to Give our voice – both are needed for communication to create and deepen connection.

What is one takeaway you will chew on from having read this today? Share below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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