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How to Become a Master at Communication

In this week’s communication tip, I talked about my son, a semi-professional musician, who teaches History by day and plays guitar in restaurants by night.

I can’t tell you how amazing he is – you would just think I am just biased. I could tell you for instance that:

  • he has mastered not only the 6-string but the Brazilian 7-string guitar
  • he knows hundreds of songs in English and Portuguese by heart – chords, and lyrics.
  • I marvel at how he moves up and down the neck without even looking at where he places his fingers,
  • he can transpose a song into any key
  • he can listen to a song once and play along the second time
  • and I could go on.

But you might say it sounds like I’m bragging about my son, and you might be right. If you watched this week’s video, however, you heard that I also was making a huge point. You see, despite how good of a musician he is and how well he has mastered the guitar, he practices his core basic scales very slowly every day, up and down for a minimum of 20 minutes!

Why would he do that?

Why would he do that?  I would suggest he wants to become the best musician he can become and for two primary reasons:

First, for his own enjoyment and for the enjoyment of others around him. And to become the best he must never forget the basics.

Second, he wants to become the best musician he can become for the sake of the beauty and wonder of the guitar itself – to make it come alive to its fullest potential.

[Now transpose this idea (pun intended) from music to communication to get my point.]

 

Why should you and I practice communication skills every day?

First, we want to become the best communicators we can become so that we and others might enjoy the experience to the fullest. We were designed to enjoy and be enjoyed relationally. We know that to be true. We so long to be heard, and when we are heard well – it brings a sense of delight. Sadly, however, the experience of relational joy is not often felt. In practicing what we learn in PLEDGEtalk on a daily basis, we can give more and more people the experience of joy when we communicate with them.

Second, we want to become the best communicators we can become for the sake of the beauty and wonder of relationship itself – to make relationships come alive to their fullest potential!  We all long for relationship because we were created for relationship at the very core of our beings. To the degree we master communication, it increases the potential for us to experience the beauty and wonder of relationship.  And might I add, for the greatest expression of love!

There is much more I could say – a book’s worth even – but for the rest of this week and throughout the weekend:  practice good communication. Deliberately, intentionally practice taking the time to love well in the way you communicate. Look for the experience of joy when doing so and the beauty and wonder of relationship itself!

When was the last time you really felt someone took joy in you?

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Be Interested – PLEDGEtalk Thoughts

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday video tip I spoke of wanting to spend some time with a man I have only known mostly at a distance – so we did a breakfast together just a few weeks ago. I spoke further about the impact he made on me by how much time he took to express interest in me, rather than seek my interest in him.

This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week – at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.

I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important…even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.

As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here’s why:

If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others – rather than seek the others’ interest!

I don’t know about you, but more often than I’d like to admit, I struggle with the urge to get others interested in what I have to offer. And to the degree I give into the urge, the pressing matter becomes about me and the impact I want to make.

While listening to Damon speak, I looked around me and began to think of how each person in that room has a talent, a gift, an opportunity to have an impact upon those around them. In whatever conversations I have, do I want to help others discover how they can have an impact by being interested in their lives? Or do I want to make/keep the focus on getting them to help me? There’s a lot to think about here. I’m not saying we don’t think about our talents, gifts, etc.  But when and how often am I thinking of mine vs someone else’s?  And when should I focus on mine or when on someone else’s? As I said – a lot to think about.

Damon’s final challenge, and perhaps my final take away was his thoughts on a concept in the Bible most have heard if you grew up in the church. It is the idea that though we are in this world, we are not supposed to be “of this world.”

Stay with me a minute on this one.

Damon made a bold observation that I think is correct. Most who consider themselves Christians have (consciously or unconsciously) taken the concept above to mean that we should steer clear of people (or where they hang out) who do not think like we think when it comes to God because we are not “of this world.”

I have a good friend Nathan who has a church in a brewery in town and I think it is awesome! I love going myself whenever I can and having a beer with everyone there as we explore who Jesus is and what it means to follow Him. Nathan has struggled however with MANY “Christians” who think he is really off base – that he should not be there because he is then being “of the world.” I disagree. Those who attend would never step foot in a church “building.” How then might we ever have a chance to love them, invite them into the family, and learn how they too can have an impact in this world?

Damon ended by saying, he thinks we have twisted what Jesus meant:

FROM the idea: “Be in this world but not ‘of’ it.”

To: “Don’t go into this world – period.”

Don’t go into the world where “other” people are who don’t believe like we do. When we think like this, we create a distance between us and “them” which sadly, only pushes them further away rather than invites them IN. And all the while, we become just as much a part OF the “world” in our struggles with greed, money, lust, power, control, anger, fear, etc.

Whew!

Again – a LOT to think about there!

Remember: If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others (which requires being with them!) – more than seek the others’ interest!

Take some time to ponder – and let me know your thoughts below in response to this week’s “Further thoughts…!”

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Exercising PLEDGEtalk

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren’t going well.

Don’t ignore those moments!

Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship.  You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.

Easier said than done.

To be honest, I don’t always WANT to go back and work on the relationship. When I sense the prompting to do so, I have all kinds of arguments in my head why I don’t need to:

  • It wasn’t me who was at fault.
  • I’m tired of it always being me who reaches out first.
  • She needs to come to me – not me to her.
  • Why should I?
  • I just don’t want to!

Have you ever had arguments like these in your head?

They seem legit at the time.

I’m afraid all too often we say them to ourselves and go on our way. The conflict remains, the distance grows, and the relationship suffers. When it does, we have a choice: we either dig our heels in even deeper, or we stop and take a second look.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t my fault – does that really matter? Or does the relationship REALLY matter, and doing whatever is necessary to restore it?

Ok, so you are tired of it “always being you who reaches out first.” Have you really taken that careful of an inventory? And if you have, and it is true, then let me applaud you for reaching out so consistently. It is usually the hardest step to take, and someone has to take it. It might be you have the greater emotional wherewithal or the greater courage to do so. It might be the other person simply doesn’t know how or what to say. So thank you for taking the lead!

Holding on to a “she needs to come to me – not me to her” mindset leads nowhere fast. Your anger and bitterness will only grow. Sadly, the disconnect will grow too – and over time, so will options like divorce, unfriending someone, or quitting a church, a group, or a job. When we walk away, we will likely feel justified. What is most unfortunate, however, is that it might have simply taken a bit of humility to be the one that reaches back out to start the conversation.

Why should I?  Because it is right. It is good. It is love.

When “I just don’t want to,” I stop and think of how thankful I am that others have reached out to me when they didn’t want to.

And what changes this mindset the most for me, is when I stop to think about a God-man named Jesus, who struggled big time not wanting to die in order to show love towards people who hated him. In the final hours of his life here on earth, he prayed to his Father asking him if there was any other way. In the end, he did indeed die, because it was right, and good, and love.

I hope as we consider Jesus’s death and resurrection over this Easter season, we might all take note of any of our relationships that might need mending and take that first step to bring restoration,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Enjoying Others in Conversation

Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.

What do you do?

Ignore them?

Rip up the coloring or throw the stone away?

NO!

You look at their artwork or their beautiful stone and praise them! In effect, you enter into their joy and you enjoy THEM!

The result? They FEEL enjoyed! You know this to be true as the smile on the child’s faith grows even broader and they chatter non-stop about what the picture is or where they found the stone. They even want to show you more!

QUESTION: when was the last time you FELT enjoyed by someone or even a group of people?

Feeling enjoyed is perhaps one of the deepest longings of every human being. It is the effect of being loved, of experiencing being wanted, of being celebrated and made to know that we matter.

In the video you can watch HERE, I speak of a conversation I had with my wife when I was excitedly sharing something with her about my day. What I longed for then, is what I long for all the time when I have something I am excited to tell others. You long for the same – you want others to enter into your excitement. You want them to enjoy the moment with you, and in effect, enjoy YOU!

For those of you who – like me – are a follower of Christ, let me share one of the most amazing verses I have ever read.  AND if you are not a follower at this point, can you simply imagine for a moment what it would be like if the following were actually true?

In the first half of the Bible, there is a book called Zephaniah – named after a man who lived at the time who was also called a prophet. In chapter 3 of his book, Zephaniah writes of a time in the future when God will take great delight in us like a good Father does over his children. He goes on to say in fact that God will be SO FULL of delight over us that He will shout and sing and even spin around like He is dancing!

WHAAAAATTTTTT ?????

Can we even begin to imagine that?  The God of the universe singing, shouting, even spinning around with delight over us?

WOW!  I want that – and so do you and so does everyone else around us!

Here is my challenge to you this week:  take delight in those you interact with. Make them your focus, not yourself. Listen fully to all they have to say. Do all you can to make them feel like they matter – they REALLY MATTER. And let them know that even verbally. Thank them for sharing. Tell them how much you appreciate them and who they are. Give them a taste of being enjoyed.  In so doing you just might be able to give them a taste of a God who also wants to enjoy them and even dance with delight over them!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

 

What do I do, I thought.

 

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

  • Reacting
  • Fighting back
  • Being defensive
  • Standing up for my rights
  • Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

  • Showing them I heard them
  • Seeking to understand them and their story
  • Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
  • Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.

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My Reactivity is My Responsibility…

I have a past story. You have one too.  Hopefully, it is at least a mixture of bad and good if not more good.

Most of us don’t like looking back at the bad, and for good reason. It’s bad! It brings bad thoughts and feelings.  We’d rather just move on. And even if we do look back at the bad, we don’t want to do it for long. Maybe just long enough to say we did and “get over it” so it no longer affects us.

I get it. I understand.

Unfortunately, that’s really not how it works. I wish it was, but it isn’t. We don’t just look back once to recognize where we came from, get over it, and then move on

Just this week, I saw again how my past still affects my present.

On three different occasions, I found myself reacting to situations where I felt I was being criticized. Without going into a lot of detail (because I am not writing a book here!) one of the prominent feelings I experienced growing up was that of being criticized. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how good I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough – and I heard about it. Over and again I felt incredible frustration, anger, and shame.

So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.

Keep in mind, I am 63 years old as I write this. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling. I have thought of my past and spoken to others about it for hours and hours – and it still affects me.

Here’s the good news. Because I don’t turn a blind eye to my past and because I am real with a few people close to me, this awareness enables me to recognize how my past still affects me. And once I recognize the connection between my past and the present, it opens a new door for me to walk through. I can stop in the midst of my reaction, say to myself “that is of my past,” and walk across the threshold into a new and better way of relating to others, even when being criticized.

One more thing. Don’t hear me saying it is easy. And don’t think I will never struggle with this again. I will. I am quite certain of that. But keeping the above in mind, I have found that I don’t have to be controlled by my past, and neither do you!

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Slow Down – and think HOW to communicate!

As a marriage counselor for over 30 years, I have spent a lot of time watching couples communicate their frustrations to each other. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about HOW to communicate!

Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it. I agree. That is the reason for one immediate suggestion I would make to most couples – and really everyone when in conversation. It is this: slow down the conversation so you can think more about how to communicate.

At times when I give counsel to two people in conflict, I interrupt them in the middle of a discussion.  I ask them to simply STOP talking. Then I look at each of them intently, back and forth, in total silence for a few moments.

When I begin again to speak, I do so quietly and slowly – all very deliberately to help them experience something new…

  • I want their minds to stop spinning and their emotional reactions to come to a standstill. Remember, when we are full of anger, hurt and anxiety, the rational part of the brain tends to shut down so we can’t think straight.
  • I want them to know what it is like to step away from pressing their own agenda. All too often when in a conversation where there is conflict what’s on our mind is what’s on our mind…our agenda. And we are out to get the other person to hear us.  Never mind the thought that they might want to be heard too.
  • I want to bring them to a place where instead they can begin to listen.  To really listen and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings.

Here’s what is likely to happen for all of us when we slow down our conversations and think more about how to communicate by genuinely listening:

  1. we will gain fresh or further understanding of each other;
  2. that will pave the way for us to experience empathy for the other;
  3. this, in turn, helps the other feel cared for once again;
  4. and that leads to the renewal of connection – what we both long for and are trying to achieve by our talking.

There is a time to voice our concerns as I teach in the TALK class, but never forget there is equally if not even more so, a need to LISTEN!

So this week simply STOP talking. Seek to slow down your conversations. It will likely require you to give up much of what you want to say so that you might call to mind the equally important task of listening. And when you do – listen that is – carefully observe the difference it makes in you, in the other, and between you. Test and see if the points above come true for you!

Leave a comment/question below or email:  mark@pledgetalk.com

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Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict?

Hi.

Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It’s a really important question for all of us today! Here’s why:

I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.

So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk – that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?

I had stepped into what I believe most of us do when we first encounter someone who disagrees with us–debate mode. And I was out to win!

There is an irony in DEBATE, that is so often missed. The person stating their case is seeking an audience-whether it is a hundred or one-who will listen intently to them and give thoughtful consideration to what is being said. They are hoping to be heard and seen as right.

I understand and appreciate that. I want to be heard too as was evidenced by my efforts to drive home my points with my wife in the conflict alluded to earlier.

It is also what we are seeing all around us now, whether it is masks and Covid19, Black Lives Matter, De-funding Police, CHOP Zones or Trump vs Biden. It is all about debating one’s point, hoping to be heard and seen as right.

Herein lies the irony. Though debaters expend great amounts of energy and often go to great lengths to get others to listen to them, they expend very little energy or effort to listen to another.

It’s a shame. Or a sham. And it’s what most of us do when in conflict!

Whatever happened to the golden rule?

If you want someone to really listen to and understand you, will you do the same for them?

I wonder what just might happen if the democrats and republicans sat down together to really listen and LEARN from each other. Or if supporters and non-supporters of Black Lives Matter BOTH committed to listening and learning from each other?

Whether on a small scale (my wife and I) or large scale (police and those who created the capital hill autonomous zone), I am convinced we all have much to learn if we just paused long enough to listen – but I mean REALLY listen. To do so, both sides must enter a DIALOGUE rather than a debate, with the firm conviction that both could learn from the other.

As I further reflected on my manner of communication with my wife, I realized just that. I needed to step out of debate mode and enter into dialogue mode. You see when I am in debate mode, what matters most is that I win, regardless of the cost to others. Ouch.

That’s not love. It’s not respectful. That is not how I want to be treated by others, and that’s really not how I want to treat them.

No, winning is not what life and relationships is all about, unless it is winning together. That is the goal of dialogue, and that is the way of PLEDGEtalk!

The next time you find yourself in the debate mode because of a conflict, large or small, I challenge you to join me and pause. Then re-enter the conversation in a dialogue mode so that you both might listen to learn and even win together!

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thanks,

Mark Oelze
Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk

HOME – PLEDGEtalk 2020

Two people arguing their point to the boss

two people arguing their point to the boss

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When Your Children Are Hurting – 7 Actions to Take!

When your children are hurting–at any age–it’s tough. No parent wants to see their children suffer, and yet it happens because we live in a world with a lot of disappointment and brokenness. What can you do as a parent when it happens? Much could be said in response. Here are seven actions to consider:

First, strike a balance between shielding them and sheltering WITH them.

Pain in this world is inevitable. Our children need to learn that life will be hard and disappointing, sometimes profoundly so. At the same time, we want them to learn they don’t have to go it alone. All trauma has a damaging effect on a person. What makes it worse, however, is when they feel alone, when they have no one to cry or talk with about what happened.

If a child is abused, if a child’s parents divorce, if they lose a friend or experience any other kind of loss, the pain is very real. What paves the way for healing is having someone(s) to walk with them through the hurt. As parents, we do our best to shield them, but more importantly, we must be careful to shelter WITH them–we must get into their world to be with them. Let them know they are not alone.

Second, when your children are hurting, help them name what they are feeling.

This can be hard for children and adults. We often act out our feelings rather than name or talk about them. Naming our feelings brings definition to our experience. This then opens the door to understanding ourselves and invites others to as well.

Are your children sad, mad, scared, disappointed, or hurt? Use these words when talking with them and any others that would most accurately define their experience. Doing so will be a further part of their healing experience as we all want to be understood.

Third, once you name their feelings, be sure to validate them.

We have all had questions at times about our feelings or the degree to which we felt them. Are we crazy for feeling what we are feeling? Being too sensitive? Just a wimp? Shouldn’t I be stronger? Are my feelings ok? Will I be shamed for feeling them? When should I be over them? And on and on. What we all want is someone to come alongside to simply validate our experience. We are looking for words like:

  • “it’s Ok.”
  • “We are with you.”
  • “We understand.”
  • “I am mad too.” (or sad, or scared, or hurt, etc.)
  • “I would feel that way if I were you.”

Having someone validate our feelings further alleviates our sense of aloneness, and allows us to move one step closer to healing in that we settle in to our experience rather than fight against it. What has occurred has occurred. There is no way to undo it. We must feel what we feel. This is just as true for us as adults as it is for our children. To the degree we validate our children’s feelings even by talking to them about our feelings, it helps to heal…over time.

Fourth, help guide their thinking.

Often times when painful events or losses occur, one’s thinking can become quite distorted. We had our home broken into a little over a year ago. It took quite some time before my mind was more at peace and my thoughts more normal whenever we would leave the house or go to sleep at night. For children going through a divorce a mom might have to answer questions in their minds like, “If daddy doesn’t want to be with us anymore, will you stop wanting to be with us too?”

Much could be said about distorted thinking. Just know that it happens to us all, adults and children alike. Listening to when your children are hurting and asking what they are thinking gives us the opportunity to help steer their thinking in a healthy direction.

Fifth, when your children are hurting, be patient with the process.

There are many factors that determine how long a child will feel pain from a difficult experience in life and what the long term effects will be. Be careful to not let your pre-conceived ideas be the deciding factor. It will likely be different than whatever you think. It has never helped me when someone said I should stop being angry, or I should be over it by now. That won’t help your children either. Be patient–for as long as it takes, staying focused on each of the above steps, rather than pushing them to “get over it.”

Sixth, keep up with life as best as you can.

Whereas I just said to be patient with the process, we still have to keep up with life. Children still need to get up and go to bed at regular hours, eat, and go to school, help around the house, etc., and have time for fun. Yes, fun. Even in the midst of difficult times, whenever possible, it is good to take breaks from grieving and have some levity. It gives forth an underlying message that though what we have gone through is tough, perhaps REALLY tough, we are not ruined, we are still together, and we will get through this.

One word of caution, however, be careful that you do not assume or indicate to your children, that once laughter occurs or other matters have been attended to, that everyone is over the event. This is seen as a reprieve, not an end to the hurt that has occurred. You will likely experience many times when you go back and forth between feelings expressed needing to be validated and times of reprieve. It is all part of the healing process.

Seventh, seek help from others.

Even when taking all the above action steps, it is always good to consider what outside help is available. This can be family, friends, church, a counselor, etc. We live in an era where we are blessed with so many resources. For followers of Christ, we have the assurance that He is always with us, that He will comfort us, and provide in time of need. Teaching this to our children is another way to help them heal.

Whereas we might be hesitant at times to express need to others, giving way to that hesitation may hinder us from finding some key help in the process. Reach out and seek help!

A final note:

As I wrote the above, I had many scenarios in mind, not the least of which of course is the challenge everyone of us is facing right now with the Corona Virus. This is a world-wide traumatic experience playing out in all kinds of various degrees across our nation and the world. Adults and children alike have been affected.

With my wife and daughter being grade school teachers, we are hearing how many children are sad they can no longer attend school. They didn’t even say good-bye to friends or teachers. In every respect, this is a good time for us all to be practicing everything I have written!

–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk.com

Questions? Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts!

For more tips on how to walk through this life click this link… https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

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5 Musts for your reading on helpful communication this year!

​This year of 2020 I want to make 5 strong suggestions for your reading in communication that will be extremely helpful.

Every one of the following resources have been extremely helpful in growing my skills and understanding of how to love well in the way I communicate to others and resolve conflict. I know they will be for you too!

Think of communication as the hub of a wheel. Everything is connected and dependent upon the hub for the wheel to turn. In the same way, all of your interactions, all of your problem solving, and all of the growth in your relationship is connected to and dependent on your ability to communicate in a healthy and helpful manner.

​Here are the five best resources I recommend for your reading on communication this year:
​

​NonViolent Communication​

By Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

“If ‘violent’ means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate could indeed be called ‘violent’ communication.” (On the cover of the book.)

A good friend recommended this to me three years ago. I have underlined, circled, starred more in this book than I have in most. It is chocked full of insights, practical ideas, and direction on how to express one’s needs and hear the needs of others leading the way to real breakthrough in relationships. You will need to read this multiple times to gain all the knowledge between the two covers.

​

​Crucial Conversations

By Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler

“Tools for talking when stakes are high.” (from the cover)

I was introduced to this book when I heard one of the authors at a conference. He was speaking my language and my heart. I knew it was a book I had to read. Highly practical direction for what to do and say when a conversation takes a sudden twist and you know that what happens next is “crucial” for how matters turn out. Again – you will find yourself going back to this book often!

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​Never Split The Difference

By Chris Voss

“Negotiating as if your life depended on it.” (front cover)

While listening to a podcast, this author was introduced as the top FBI hostage negotiator in the nation! I thought to myself, I’ll bet this guy knows a thing or two about dealing with conflict! So I bought the book. I wasn’t disappointed. I have put his principles to use and negotiated a great deal on a large screen TV with a worker at Sam’s Club (didn’t know that could even happen.) Then I lost a deal on buying a car and pulled out the book again to see what I missed.

This is a fun read, by a brilliant individual who has had to learn how to communicate successfully with others because indeed his and others’ lives depended upon it. It also helped that a lot of what he wrote coincided with what I have written in my book. I am sure you won’t be disappointed reading this!​
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​The PLEDGE of a Lifetime

By Mark Oelze (my book)

“Her hope for connection, His guide through conflict.” (front cover)

In every conversation and every conflict, there are two components: the content of the dialogue, and the process by which the content is being discussed. What sets my book apart from all others about handling conflict, is that I focus on the process.

Just as there is a recipe to follow to make a good dish, or a plan to execute the next play in football, there is a critical recipe or plan one must follow in order to have a healthy and helpful dialogue over our differences. With no plan, you will fumble the conversation, tackle the wrong subject, and lose the relationship. So read the book, execute the plan, and make every conversation a win-win for everyone!

​BONUS: The Larger Story​

​I have been counseling individuals and couples for over 30 years now – but I am just getting started! 🙂 (Threw that in there rather than what I first wrote about feeling old!)

Who I am today and whatever help I have been to others has been dependent upon many people, but most significantly my parents for all the love, nurture and spiritual direction they gave me, and two men who were my mentors and instructors in my counseling degree. The main instructor was Dr. Larry Crabb and Dr. Dan Allender. It would take hours upon hours to detail how their lives and thinking has shaped mine. I will forever be grateful to them.

The new website, largerstory.com, is a legacy to Dr. Crabb, where you can find all of his works in one location–books, teachings, videos, writings and more. I invite you to bookmark this site, and throughout this year and the years to come, read and learn from the wisest man I know!

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What books or resources have you read would you put in the category “best ever” for strengthening relationships? Comment below and tell me about them!

Thanks,

​–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk

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