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Be Interested – PLEDGEtalk Thoughts

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday video tip I spoke of wanting to spend some time with a man I have only known mostly at a distance – so we did a breakfast together just a few weeks ago. I spoke further about the impact he made on me by how much time he took to express interest in me, rather than seek my interest in him.

This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week – at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.

I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important…even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.

As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here’s why:

If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others – rather than seek the others’ interest!

I don’t know about you, but more often than I’d like to admit, I struggle with the urge to get others interested in what I have to offer. And to the degree I give into the urge, the pressing matter becomes about me and the impact I want to make.

While listening to Damon speak, I looked around me and began to think of how each person in that room has a talent, a gift, an opportunity to have an impact upon those around them. In whatever conversations I have, do I want to help others discover how they can have an impact by being interested in their lives? Or do I want to make/keep the focus on getting them to help me? There’s a lot to think about here. I’m not saying we don’t think about our talents, gifts, etc.  But when and how often am I thinking of mine vs someone else’s?  And when should I focus on mine or when on someone else’s? As I said – a lot to think about.

Damon’s final challenge, and perhaps my final take away was his thoughts on a concept in the Bible most have heard if you grew up in the church. It is the idea that though we are in this world, we are not supposed to be “of this world.”

Stay with me a minute on this one.

Damon made a bold observation that I think is correct. Most who consider themselves Christians have (consciously or unconsciously) taken the concept above to mean that we should steer clear of people (or where they hang out) who do not think like we think when it comes to God because we are not “of this world.”

I have a good friend Nathan who has a church in a brewery in town and I think it is awesome! I love going myself whenever I can and having a beer with everyone there as we explore who Jesus is and what it means to follow Him. Nathan has struggled however with MANY “Christians” who think he is really off base – that he should not be there because he is then being “of the world.” I disagree. Those who attend would never step foot in a church “building.” How then might we ever have a chance to love them, invite them into the family, and learn how they too can have an impact in this world?

Damon ended by saying, he thinks we have twisted what Jesus meant:

FROM the idea: “Be in this world but not ‘of’ it.”

To: “Don’t go into this world – period.”

Don’t go into the world where “other” people are who don’t believe like we do. When we think like this, we create a distance between us and “them” which sadly, only pushes them further away rather than invites them IN. And all the while, we become just as much a part OF the “world” in our struggles with greed, money, lust, power, control, anger, fear, etc.

Whew!

Again – a LOT to think about there!

Remember: If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others (which requires being with them!) – more than seek the others’ interest!

Take some time to ponder – and let me know your thoughts below in response to this week’s “Further thoughts…!”

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Exercising PLEDGEtalk

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren’t going well.

Don’t ignore those moments!

Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship.  You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.

Easier said than done.

To be honest, I don’t always WANT to go back and work on the relationship. When I sense the prompting to do so, I have all kinds of arguments in my head why I don’t need to:

  • It wasn’t me who was at fault.
  • I’m tired of it always being me who reaches out first.
  • She needs to come to me – not me to her.
  • Why should I?
  • I just don’t want to!

Have you ever had arguments like these in your head?

They seem legit at the time.

I’m afraid all too often we say them to ourselves and go on our way. The conflict remains, the distance grows, and the relationship suffers. When it does, we have a choice: we either dig our heels in even deeper, or we stop and take a second look.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t my fault – does that really matter? Or does the relationship REALLY matter, and doing whatever is necessary to restore it?

Ok, so you are tired of it “always being you who reaches out first.” Have you really taken that careful of an inventory? And if you have, and it is true, then let me applaud you for reaching out so consistently. It is usually the hardest step to take, and someone has to take it. It might be you have the greater emotional wherewithal or the greater courage to do so. It might be the other person simply doesn’t know how or what to say. So thank you for taking the lead!

Holding on to a “she needs to come to me – not me to her” mindset leads nowhere fast. Your anger and bitterness will only grow. Sadly, the disconnect will grow too – and over time, so will options like divorce, unfriending someone, or quitting a church, a group, or a job. When we walk away, we will likely feel justified. What is most unfortunate, however, is that it might have simply taken a bit of humility to be the one that reaches back out to start the conversation.

Why should I?  Because it is right. It is good. It is love.

When “I just don’t want to,” I stop and think of how thankful I am that others have reached out to me when they didn’t want to.

And what changes this mindset the most for me, is when I stop to think about a God-man named Jesus, who struggled big time not wanting to die in order to show love towards people who hated him. In the final hours of his life here on earth, he prayed to his Father asking him if there was any other way. In the end, he did indeed die, because it was right, and good, and love.

I hope as we consider Jesus’s death and resurrection over this Easter season, we might all take note of any of our relationships that might need mending and take that first step to bring restoration,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Enjoying Others in Conversation

Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.

What do you do?

Ignore them?

Rip up the coloring or throw the stone away?

NO!

You look at their artwork or their beautiful stone and praise them! In effect, you enter into their joy and you enjoy THEM!

The result? They FEEL enjoyed! You know this to be true as the smile on the child’s faith grows even broader and they chatter non-stop about what the picture is or where they found the stone. They even want to show you more!

QUESTION: when was the last time you FELT enjoyed by someone or even a group of people?

Feeling enjoyed is perhaps one of the deepest longings of every human being. It is the effect of being loved, of experiencing being wanted, of being celebrated and made to know that we matter.

In the video you can watch HERE, I speak of a conversation I had with my wife when I was excitedly sharing something with her about my day. What I longed for then, is what I long for all the time when I have something I am excited to tell others. You long for the same – you want others to enter into your excitement. You want them to enjoy the moment with you, and in effect, enjoy YOU!

For those of you who – like me – are a follower of Christ, let me share one of the most amazing verses I have ever read.  AND if you are not a follower at this point, can you simply imagine for a moment what it would be like if the following were actually true?

In the first half of the Bible, there is a book called Zephaniah – named after a man who lived at the time who was also called a prophet. In chapter 3 of his book, Zephaniah writes of a time in the future when God will take great delight in us like a good Father does over his children. He goes on to say in fact that God will be SO FULL of delight over us that He will shout and sing and even spin around like He is dancing!

WHAAAAATTTTTT ?????

Can we even begin to imagine that?  The God of the universe singing, shouting, even spinning around with delight over us?

WOW!  I want that – and so do you and so does everyone else around us!

Here is my challenge to you this week:  take delight in those you interact with. Make them your focus, not yourself. Listen fully to all they have to say. Do all you can to make them feel like they matter – they REALLY MATTER. And let them know that even verbally. Thank them for sharing. Tell them how much you appreciate them and who they are. Give them a taste of being enjoyed.  In so doing you just might be able to give them a taste of a God who also wants to enjoy them and even dance with delight over them!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

 

What do I do, I thought.

 

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

  • Reacting
  • Fighting back
  • Being defensive
  • Standing up for my rights
  • Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

  • Showing them I heard them
  • Seeking to understand them and their story
  • Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
  • Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.

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My Reactivity is My Responsibility…

I have a past story. You have one too.  Hopefully, it is at least a mixture of bad and good if not more good.

Most of us don’t like looking back at the bad, and for good reason. It’s bad! It brings bad thoughts and feelings.  We’d rather just move on. And even if we do look back at the bad, we don’t want to do it for long. Maybe just long enough to say we did and “get over it” so it no longer affects us.

I get it. I understand.

Unfortunately, that’s really not how it works. I wish it was, but it isn’t. We don’t just look back once to recognize where we came from, get over it, and then move on

Just this week, I saw again how my past still affects my present.

On three different occasions, I found myself reacting to situations where I felt I was being criticized. Without going into a lot of detail (because I am not writing a book here!) one of the prominent feelings I experienced growing up was that of being criticized. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how good I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough – and I heard about it. Over and again I felt incredible frustration, anger, and shame.

So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.

Keep in mind, I am 63 years old as I write this. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling. I have thought of my past and spoken to others about it for hours and hours – and it still affects me.

Here’s the good news. Because I don’t turn a blind eye to my past and because I am real with a few people close to me, this awareness enables me to recognize how my past still affects me. And once I recognize the connection between my past and the present, it opens a new door for me to walk through. I can stop in the midst of my reaction, say to myself “that is of my past,” and walk across the threshold into a new and better way of relating to others, even when being criticized.

One more thing. Don’t hear me saying it is easy. And don’t think I will never struggle with this again. I will. I am quite certain of that. But keeping the above in mind, I have found that I don’t have to be controlled by my past, and neither do you!

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Slow Down – and think HOW to communicate!

As a marriage counselor for over 30 years, I have spent a lot of time watching couples communicate their frustrations to each other. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about HOW to communicate!

Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it. I agree. That is the reason for one immediate suggestion I would make to most couples – and really everyone when in conversation. It is this: slow down the conversation so you can think more about how to communicate.

At times when I give counsel to two people in conflict, I interrupt them in the middle of a discussion.  I ask them to simply STOP talking. Then I look at each of them intently, back and forth, in total silence for a few moments.

When I begin again to speak, I do so quietly and slowly – all very deliberately to help them experience something new…

  • I want their minds to stop spinning and their emotional reactions to come to a standstill. Remember, when we are full of anger, hurt and anxiety, the rational part of the brain tends to shut down so we can’t think straight.
  • I want them to know what it is like to step away from pressing their own agenda. All too often when in a conversation where there is conflict what’s on our mind is what’s on our mind…our agenda. And we are out to get the other person to hear us.  Never mind the thought that they might want to be heard too.
  • I want to bring them to a place where instead they can begin to listen.  To really listen and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings.

Here’s what is likely to happen for all of us when we slow down our conversations and think more about how to communicate by genuinely listening:

  1. we will gain fresh or further understanding of each other;
  2. that will pave the way for us to experience empathy for the other;
  3. this, in turn, helps the other feel cared for once again;
  4. and that leads to the renewal of connection – what we both long for and are trying to achieve by our talking.

There is a time to voice our concerns as I teach in the TALK class, but never forget there is equally if not even more so, a need to LISTEN!

So this week simply STOP talking. Seek to slow down your conversations. It will likely require you to give up much of what you want to say so that you might call to mind the equally important task of listening. And when you do – listen that is – carefully observe the difference it makes in you, in the other, and between you. Test and see if the points above come true for you!

Leave a comment/question below or email:  mark@pledgetalk.com

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Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict?

Hi.

Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It’s a really important question for all of us today! Here’s why:

I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.

So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk – that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?

I had stepped into what I believe most of us do when we first encounter someone who disagrees with us–debate mode. And I was out to win!

There is an irony in DEBATE, that is so often missed. The person stating their case is seeking an audience-whether it is a hundred or one-who will listen intently to them and give thoughtful consideration to what is being said. They are hoping to be heard and seen as right.

I understand and appreciate that. I want to be heard too as was evidenced by my efforts to drive home my points with my wife in the conflict alluded to earlier.

It is also what we are seeing all around us now, whether it is masks and Covid19, Black Lives Matter, De-funding Police, CHOP Zones or Trump vs Biden. It is all about debating one’s point, hoping to be heard and seen as right.

Herein lies the irony. Though debaters expend great amounts of energy and often go to great lengths to get others to listen to them, they expend very little energy or effort to listen to another.

It’s a shame. Or a sham. And it’s what most of us do when in conflict!

Whatever happened to the golden rule?

If you want someone to really listen to and understand you, will you do the same for them?

I wonder what just might happen if the democrats and republicans sat down together to really listen and LEARN from each other. Or if supporters and non-supporters of Black Lives Matter BOTH committed to listening and learning from each other?

Whether on a small scale (my wife and I) or large scale (police and those who created the capital hill autonomous zone), I am convinced we all have much to learn if we just paused long enough to listen – but I mean REALLY listen. To do so, both sides must enter a DIALOGUE rather than a debate, with the firm conviction that both could learn from the other.

As I further reflected on my manner of communication with my wife, I realized just that. I needed to step out of debate mode and enter into dialogue mode. You see when I am in debate mode, what matters most is that I win, regardless of the cost to others. Ouch.

That’s not love. It’s not respectful. That is not how I want to be treated by others, and that’s really not how I want to treat them.

No, winning is not what life and relationships is all about, unless it is winning together. That is the goal of dialogue, and that is the way of PLEDGEtalk!

The next time you find yourself in the debate mode because of a conflict, large or small, I challenge you to join me and pause. Then re-enter the conversation in a dialogue mode so that you both might listen to learn and even win together!

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thanks,

Mark Oelze
Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk

HOME – PLEDGEtalk 2020

Two people arguing their point to the boss

two people arguing their point to the boss

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ANXIETY? You can do THIS to find calm.

How is your anxiety these days?

​(WARNING: this article is a bit longer than usual, and will require reflection. Scan to the summary at the end if needed–not recommended though. My suggestion, find a time when you can read the article in full and consider how it can apply to you. Then let me know what you think.)

​Not sure about you, but my anxiety level goes up and down in life a lot, and even more so these days with Covid-19.

​The latest for me has been my daughter’s wedding. It is coming up soon–in Oklahoma. It’s been in the works for months but has created a lot of uncertainty for weeks now with the pandemic. Should we have postponed it or changed the date? How many people should we have invited? We had 250, then 60, then 10, then 30, and now – who knows? What really matters is that they get married, right? Yes? No? You get the point. All kinds of questions and uncertainties in my head.

​Or how about another source of anxiety – finances. They are a source of anxiety all the time for most, but especially during CV19. What happened to your retirement funds (if you had any in the first place)? Will they ever recover? Will you have a job yet throughout this year to provide for your family? Will the economy come back as some say it will or will it get worse? Will there be a second wave? Will it ever be the same as it was?

​I could add more questions. You could too. Before I wrote the next sentence I counted up how many other sources of anxiety there are currently in my life – at least 8. You may have more.

​There is much that is uncertain these days.

​How do we find calm in the midst of anxiety?

​We have to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Let me explain.

​Think of anxiety as being the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen, but are uncertain if it will.

(I define “need” as something that the one in need requires in order to experience a sense of ok-ness, security, calm, etc.)

​That something we “need” to happen could be as simple as a business meeting producing positive results, or a difficult conversation leading to a hope-for outcome. If these turn out how we want, we are happy and excited, if they don’t we are frustrated or disappointed. BUT until we know the outcome, we are anxious – because of the uncertainty of what will happen. Other examples could include:

  • A person who needs their marriage to survive, but they aren’t sure it will, experiences anxiety.
  • Someone hopes (needs) their employer will keep them on during this crisis, but they have no guarantee of it happening. The uncertainty creates anxiety.
  • Parents “need” their teenager to connect more with the family but don’t know how to reach their child. What they have tried hasn’t seemed to work. Time is running short before the teen leaves the nest. The parents experience anxiety.

​Remember, anxiety is the result of needing something to happen, but being uncertain if it will. The more dependent one is on what they need, and the less certain of it happening, the greater the anxiety.

​To decrease anxiety then, one option is to create greater certainty that what we need to happen WILL happen. This is what most of us seek to do as we face life’s challenges.

​In our anxiety over finances, for instance, there are a number of things we seek to do to create greater certainty we will have enough income to provide for our family, now and in the future. We:

  • Work harder
  • Strive to get out of debt
  • Use a budget (Like Dave Ramsey’s – and I don’t get commission for mentioning him!)
  • Spend wisely
  • Develop a savings account
  • Build one’s assets
  • Invest

​Some or all of these steps are do-able to some degree or another for each of us. And that can create a greater sense of certainty that we will be able to provide both now and in the future for our family.

​Until COVID-19 hits or some other disaster we had not been expecting!

​Then we are faced with the reality that as hard as we try, we can’t be certain that we can make happen what we think needs to happen. We don’t have that level of ultimate control–not only in our finances but in any area of life. We like to think we do, but deep down we know we don’t.

​THAT is why we are anxious.

​So if in fact, we cannot be certain about getting which we need, because we don’t have as much control as we like, what can we do?

​We must take option two: change our needs to desires, and seek a greater good.

​Consider the following scenarios to understand what I mean:

​Last year, we lost a good friend to cancer. She was an amazing person in so many ways, even up to the very point of death. I can’t remember her ever really complaining though she battled for two years and went through so much. Days before she died, Zerrin and I visited her, and she was still not complaining. She even asked how we were! She wasn’t mad at life or God and was largely at peace. She left behind a husband and two young teenagers. How did she do it?

She changed her “need” for health, to a “desire” for health. It was a strong desire for sure, but still a desire. It ceased being a need. And she sought a greater good.

​Strangely, during the last two months, I have lived with less anxiety than ever over the future of our finances. And it’s not because we came into an inheritance or anything! Rather, we have changed our “need” to a “desire” for financial security. And we seek a greater good.

​In order to reduce their anxiety, the parents who “need” their kids to connect more with the family, will have to change their “need” to a “desire” and seek a greater good.

​And finally, I think of Jesus, who faced a terrible death and cried out to his Father for intervention, but nevertheless, downgraded his “need” to a “desire” and sought a greater good.

​What is that “greater good” to seek?

​At first glance, one might say the “greater good” to seek is to leave a legacy, or put things in perspective, or to love without demanding. These are all worthy pursuits for each of us.

​For those of us who follow Jesus, we can seek an additional “greater good.” We can seek to live a life where we don’t deny our desires, but not confuse them with needs. We know our greatest good is to entrust our lives to our Creator and follow Him wherever He leads, knowing for certain that whatever He does here on earth and afterward is best.

​If our finances suffer, we can seek God and His leading in our lives.

​If our teens choose to not connect with the family and go their own way, we can still trust God and seek His direction on how to still best love our kids.

​When we are diagnosed with that terminal illness–we can seek His comfort and help knowing He is with us and that soon we will be with Him.

​Towards the end of his prayer, when Jesus asked a third time for another plan to be drawn up, He expressed His prayer as a desire – not a need. And instead, He sought to do the greater good–that of carrying out what His Father requested and focusing on the joy it would bring in the end.

​In summary, anxiety is the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen but are uncertain if it will.

​It is a common experience known to every person on earth. How we deal with it, however, is not so common. We all engage in various stress relievers, but to process anxiety most fully and find calm, we must learn to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Did you find this helpful? If so, would you share it with a friend or family member who might also be helped?

Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear from you!

​Thank you!

​Mark Oelze

Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk, a How To When Communication Matters

For more useful tips go here…https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

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Six Actions When Someone Escalates the Situation

When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question – one I think we have all wondered about at times – so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.

Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and doing my best to communicate with friends and family (including all my grown kids) of the seriousness of the situation. One morning my wife, Zerrin, was telling our girls how frustrated she was about the news media and how they were blowing it up all out of proportion. She kept going on and on (in my mind) and my girls were agreeing. All the while, I was feeling increasingly angry because I felt like what she was saying might result in our girls not understanding the seriousness of the matter and then begin doing things that might put them and others more at risk.

At some point, I interrupted Zerrin to try to balance out or even stop the conversation. Then later, after my girls went out for a bit, I told my wife how angry I was and that she was undermining my attempts to help our girls clearly understand the crisis we are facing. She tried stating her thoughts, but I interrupted and pointed out how she was wrong with me and wrong in saying everything she had said to our girls.

THEN…

My wife got quiet, turned away from me, and finished what she was doing in the kitchen.

She had effectively PAUSED…

I can’t quite remember, but I might have said a few more things. And she remained quiet. Her PAUSE button was still on.

I started calming down – realizing she was practicing what I teach. The first step of the PLEDGEtalk process is to Pause when in a conflict. She was doing that well.

I also began experiencing shame – a good shame – which started the process of me evaluating what I had done wrong in the conversation. For example, I reflected on how I voiced my thoughts in a reactionary mode, rather than take the time to first think about what I wanted to say and how to say it best. I interrupted, rather than taking the time to listen to understand her perspective she was trying to tell me at first. And I scorned her for saying all she did to the girls, rather than talk with her about what I was concerned about.

For me, that was the effect of my wife pausing. It was a good thing. I needed time to see my wrong.

So again: what is the best way to handle communication when the other party escalates the situation?  I would say:

  1. Pause. Simply refuse to argue.
  2. Give time and space for the other person to calm down and think about how they were responding and what they might like to say if and when they were in a more emotionally controlled state of being.
  3. You might add at some point in a very quiet, slow, and gentle voice: “I am more than willing to discuss what you are frustrated about when we can do so in a quiet, helpful and healthy manner.” When finished saying this, don’t keep staring at them, simply say it and then turn back to doing what you were doing before. Staring only makes the other feel more pressured or stressed. Turning back to what you were doing, gives the other person time to think about what you just said without feeling pressured to respond.
  4. If you consistently find yourself in the position where another party escalates the situation with you, at some point – again in a very quiet, slow, gentle voice – you might say something like: “________ (name) often when we are in conflict or have an argument it seems as though you get quite upset or heated with me. Can you help me understand why?” OR “Am I doing or saying something or acting in a certain way that is causing you to get so upset with me?”
  5. If the other party does come back to talk in a better manner, or as in case #4 above, if they say you are doing something that causes them to react, then do everything in your power to listen well to what they have to say so that you might learn more about them and know how to better relate in the future.
  6. Finally, never hesitate to get outside help. When in a relationship with someone who consistently escalates the situation, it becomes quite damaging to the relationship.  Fear sets in, ongoing distance occurs between the parties, safety becomes an issue, and the relationship deteriorates. If this describes your situation, you may need to leave and/or get help to save the relationship. Call a wise friend or mentor, your Pastor or Priest, or a counselor to get help.

I hope this gives you some direction the next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone who escalates the situation! 

As always, leave your thoughts or questions below or send them to me! 

–Mark Oelze

Author and creator of PLEDGEtalk: when communication really matters! 

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Problems, Problems. Which Ones Do We Talk About?

Copyright: dogfella / 123RF Stock Photo

Regularly we find ourselves being slightly annoyed to downright furious at what we see as problems in others. What are we to do? Should we talk about them? How do we know?

I can’t say there are clear and hard fast rules that apply to everyone and all the time. BUT here are some practical considerations:

First, think of a continuum – from small problems to LARGE PROBLEMS.

Small problems: on a one to ten scale, consider the small problems being from one to three. These are issues like:

  • That driver who can’t tell the difference between a red and a green light. Are they color blind?
  • The spouse that leaves the toothpaste lid off sitting on the counter. Now the paste in the tube is drying up.
  • A co-worker who chews loudly when eating his lunch at his desk. Doesn’t he know others can hear?
  • A friend who is more concerned about how she looks than watching the time to get someplace. Doesn’t she see the clock?

Ok take a moment and feel the irritation. (Moment) Now ask yourself:  does it really matter?

My suggestions on whether or not to talk about the small problems:

  1. Generally speaking, let them go.
  2. Practice patience and mercy. Maybe the driver IS color blind! Just put the lid on the toothpaste and be thankful your spouse brushes their teeth! Turn up the music in your earbuds when your co-worker is eating or sing a song in your head using the chomping as a metronome. And be glad you have a friend!
  3. Then thank those around you for being patient with you in all the ways no doubt you might get on their nerves too!
  4. Consider this instead:  these minor irritations might really be shining a light on areas in your own life that would be helpful to change. The need to be more patient, to give more grace, to learn how to appreciate people who aren’t just like you.

Medium problems on a one to ten scale, consider these to be from four to a seven. Issues like:

  • Someone spending the available funds more freely than you would.
  • A friend who claims to have certain values in her life but the way she lives, makes you wonder.
  • You witness everyone shutting down in a team meeting in response to a leader’s reply to a question. Everyone but the leader seemed to notice the quiet that settled in.
  • A spouse says or does something that hurts, and then walks away like he doesn’t notice or even worse, he doesn’t care.
  • A teenager spouts off and storms to their room.

LARGE PROBLEMS on a one to ten scale consider these to be from eight to ten. Issues like:

  • A spouse having an affair
  • A boss or co-worker dipping from the funds
  • A friend who is ruining his or her life through an addiction
  • A parent who is out of control emotionally or physically with a child
  • A child who is threatening self-harm

When discussing Medium and LARGE PROBLEMS:

  1. Ask yourself:
    1. What’s your why for bringing it up? Are you feeling ripped off? Like you don’t deserve this kind of treatment? Are you angry and done with the person? Wanting to give them a bit of the same treatment they have given you? If your why is somehow to hurt a person back, then don’t bring it up. It will only lead to further destruction of the relationship. If on the other hand, you really care about the person(s), if they really matter to you, keep reading.
    2. What kind of thought have you given to bringing up the concern? Have you considered the timing and what you might say? How about your tone of voice? What are some different ways you could speak your concern?
    3. Are you seeking ultimately their good and the good of those around you? This clarifies your motive.
    4. Are you safe in bringing up the concern? While not the final determining factor, this is still an important obvious consideration. If not, look for ways to make it safe. Where, when, and how matters. Consider bringing someone with you – a mutual friend, co-worker, Pastor, counselor or family member.

2. Here’s how to bring it up:

    1. Express care and respect for the person, indicating you value the relationship.
    2. Start the conversation off something like:  “When this happens (this being a concern like any of the above), this is what happens in me (explain the hurt, anger, sadness, fear, etc) or what I see happening in those around you. Can we talk about it?”

3. THEN use the principles of PLEDGEtalk. If you don’t know them well or at all, learn them HERE.

4. When to get help. With the larger problems (and many medium problems too), it is almost always necessary to involve others for support, encouragement, knowledge, and wisdom. I underline necessary!

5. Be courageous. It is hard and scary, even for me. But if we care, it must be done.

6. Be humble. We all have much to learn. We don’t know the story behind what they are doing. We are far too quick to judge and too slow at seeking to understand.

7. Think of the rule:  “Do unto others what you would want them to do unto you.”  In all of what you do and say, keep in mind how you would hope someone would seek to help you if you were the one being approached.

There is obviously much more that could be written on these matters. What questions do you have? What would you add to this discussion? Leave your comments below!

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