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Demonstrating Kindness – The One Thing You Can Do So Others WANT to Be Around You!

Further Thoughts on Kindness: The One Thing You Can Do So Others WANT to Be Around You! 6/8/23

Recently, I spoke of how kindness and beauty have one thing in common: they both attract.

It’s one of the reasons I love being around my wife. She is one of the kindest people I know. She makes bread for neighbors, regularly writes notes to family and friends, graciously helps to take care of my parents, puts the extra touch on times of celebration in our home and gifts we give, and more.

I personally experience her kindness through her tireless listening to me processing life and thoughts from the day; through her encouragement of me on a very regular basis in all my emotional ups and downs and times of self-doubt; through her love and acceptance of me and all my faults; through her cheerleading all my efforts to have an impact in the world around us. And because of this, there is no one in the world I would rather be around. She supports me more than anyone I know.

I remember experiencing kindness for the first time when I was eight years old at a church camp six hours from home, crying because I was homesick! The camp Director of 300 children took me aside, into his office and spent some time loving on me, and helping me through my pain. That was 56 years ago and I have a very strong memory still yet of that experience in my mind.

Kindness does that I think – it’s experience registers deep within our souls.

I remember attending some counselor training 15 years ago and partnering up with one of the leaders for an exercise of listening well. She suggested I share first about something significant going on in my life. I did, and within two minutes, I was surprised to have tears whelming up in my eyes. I wondered how that could happen so quickly! After just a few moments of reflection, I knew why. This trainer I was matched up with, knew how to listen well. And she did so very genuinely.

Again, my soul was moved and stirred to tears.

I experience being “kinded“ when undergoing medical care, and the caregiver is especially caregiving. I experience kindness by the smile and extra effort made to help me when I am in a store. Kindness stirs me to great appreciation when a neighbor stops by to offer help when they see me working on a project.

There are countless ways kindness can be expressed. But it always has this effect on me: I am drawn to the person who shows it. I even marvel at them!

Communicating to others, in a way that shows they matter is a way you and I can demonstrate kindness every day, all day long, in each conversation. It is what the principles of PLEDGEtalk are all about!
Tell us below about an experience where you were “kinded” by someone!

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Fighting Conflict – What if we saw conflict THIS way instead?

Further Thoughts on What If We Saw Conflict THIS way?

At the core of conflict lies the existence of differences.

In marriage, writer and Theologian, GK Chesterton, called it incompatibility:

“I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, AS SUCH —– ARE INCOMPATIBLE.”

We are all incompatible with each other in one way or another. This is because there are no two people exactly alike on the planet. Whether it is today or tomorrow, there will be moments in time, seasons, and experiences, that will bring about feelings of incompatibility.

One could argue that differences, conflict, felt or real incompatibility are all various points on a continuum. What is most important, however, is what we will do when they occur.

Chesterton said the real issue is “fighting through the moments when the incompatibility becomes unquestionable.”  In other words – there you are. You know the other person is mad or hurt, or you are mad or hurt. Someone has rolled their eyes. There is a tone that was heard. You or another has shut down or walked away. It is unquestionable – you have come to a moment in time when you are incompatible or are in conflict. It is right then and there you must be determined to FIGHT!

But, you must fight FOR the relationship… you must fight FOR each other, not AGAINST each other!

Saying it another way, neither I nor Chesterton would suggest that you learn how to argue or fight well against each other. We are saying you must fight FOR the relationship by fighting THROUGH those moments!

You see – when a conflict happens…and you feel at odds or incompatible – there is an enemy that wants to see the relationship destroyed. In the Bible, the enemy is called satan. If you don’t believe in satan, you might use other terms like evil, self-centeredness, or greed. These are all enemies of relationships. THESE are what we must fight THROUGH to save the relationship.

We must all fight at times through our own tendencies to be greedy or think more of ourselves and less about others. We must all fight through our desires to protect ourselves even at the expense of causing others to feel outcast. We must all fight at times through our desire to hurt someone back when they have hurt us. We must all fight through our thoughts and motives that are dark.

When we fight THROUGH our own enemies rather than AGAINST the other person, we pave the way to learn from our differences; for conflict to be resolved; and for incompatibilities to at least be understood if not done away.

And LOVE

begins

to EMERGE

and

extend —– towards another.

What does it take for us to fight THROUGH our own enemies so that LOVE begins to emerge?  Leave your comment below!

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The “WIN” Mindset – How do you avoid it?

Further Thoughts on What to Avoid to NOT Ruin Your Relationships!

Don’t make it your goal to WIN when you are in a conflict! THAT mentality will lead to the ruin of your relationships!

Now you might say “I’m not out to win! I just want to get him to see my point!”

OR:  “She is always right. I can’t take it anymore. She has to see there are other ways of looking at things!”

I get it.

I understand both ideas. Frustrating experiences for sure.

Maybe if I define what I mean by “win” you might find it more helpful. Here’s how I would define having a “win” mindset when you enter into a conversation or argument:

  • when the number one goal is to be sure YOU are being heard
  • when you know you are right and you are doing all you can to make sure the other person knows it
  • when you are doing more talking than listening
  • when what you are listening for is all the errors in thinking that the other person mention
  • when consciously or subconsciously there is the idea that there is only one right answer and you have it.

The “win mindset” is most noticeably present:

  • when you know you are being reactive
  • when you experience some kind of anger – whether it is irritation, frustration, aggravation, rage, being ticked, or just plain anger.
What can we do when we discover we have a “win” mindset that is driving us and damaging our relationship?

Ask yourself what you want most.  To win or be winsome?  I fear for your relationships if winning stays the predominant focus. But if you sought to be winsome – you might positively affect the relationship.

Winsome comes from the Old English wynn, meaning “joy” or “pleasure.” (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)

A verse in the Bible, Romans 12: 20, 21 says:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Whereas the person you are having conflict with may not be your “enemy,” the principles still apply. What if instead of fighting to be right, we sought instead to overcome our differences by changing focus and doing something good for or to the other?  What if we did acts of kindness, or sought to bring them joy? And what if we spent more time working on ourselves than working on changing the other?

By “offering them a drink” or food for their hunger, could we become winsome in our approach and maybe in doing so, even win some?

Just some thoughts.

What are your thoughts in relation to mine?  Leave them below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Driving Conversation – How to be a good “Driver” in communication!

How to be a good “Driver” in communication!

This week in a PLEDGEtalk training on healthy communication for 35 people, I asked how many of them would say they were quick to listen and slow to speak their mind.  No one raised their hand. I was a bit taken aback. I asked a second and even third time to let them know I really wanted them to answer my question. Still, not a single hand went up in the room.

Now I was stunned!

Not even one person claiming to listen well? All 35 saying they were quick instead to speak?

And we wonder why we can’t connect – why conflict is so rampant in our world today?

When we are not quick to Listen, and instead are fast to speak we will cause a collision every time.  Sometimes the aftermath is very obvious, other times not so much – but make no mistake about it – damage has been done to the relationship, I can promise you that.

It is like driving a car and coming to a four-way intersection where you don’t even slow down to “listen” or pay attention to any other vehicles that are present, but instead hit the accelerator to get through first. Danger awaits when this happens!

I have an intersection just like that right outside my office window, one house down from me. I have heard, witnessed, and seen the aftermath of cars colliding because of one driver speeding through rather than Giving the other a nod – to let them go first.

Scary.

Sad.

And so simple to remedy.

When in conversation, GIVE each other a turn!

It requires that we:

  • limit what we say so there is time and space for another to speak. Are we aware of how much we talk? Is everything we want to say necessary to say?
  • bite our tongues when we want to jump in while another is talking. Is what we have to say SO important that it warrants interrupting someone and risking a collision in the relationship?
  • value what others have to say at least as much as what we have to say if not more. Felt love and respect will be the effect. Damage done will be repaired. Connection will deepen.
  • We must Give our ears AND ask to Give our voice – both are needed for communication to create and deepen connection.

What is one takeaway you will chew on from having read this today? Share below!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Resolving Conflict

The ONE STEP that is Critical to Resolve Your Next Conflict!

To move a conversation forward in a healthy direction so that both parties feel safe, breathe again, and experience hope, someone has to offer help first…

Someone has to say “Let’s pause.”

Someone else to say “Let me be the first to volunteer to listen to your side of the story.” That same person has to then Echo back and finally, drop their arms so to speak to Disarm the conflict and validate the other person’s story.

But who goes first?

Good question.

I used to say, “the one with the greatest emotional wherewithal at the moment.”  In other words, the one who has the most emotional control at the time of the conflict – the one who is least likely to be reactive at the time – should go first.

I still say that, but I would add the following:

The one who volunteers first to take the right steps when in conflict will be the one who is aware not only of the call of love but also of   the cost to love.

If we are honest we have to admit – it is hard at times to do the right thing when in conflict, especially when that right thing is making oneself vulnerable by listening rather than defending.

We are SO PRONE to being defensive and reactive!

IT COSTS TO LOVE WELL!

We must Disarm the conflict by:

  • Giving up the “right” to fight.
  • Taking the first step of risk by “laying down our arms.”
  • Resisting the urge to defend when listening.
  • Seeking to hear their heart beneath their words.
  • And choosing to validate their thoughts, feelings, impressions, or stories without insisting they hear ours.  (We can request the latter but not insist.)

It is hard!

It is love!

LOVE IS HARD!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

*Listen to the short communication tip HERE that prompted these further thoughts.

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Understanding Anger

How to Show Understanding to an Angry Person

A person who is angry is angry about something … for some reason. In their anger, they communicate directly or indirectly what they are angry about. Our task is first, to listen well enough to “get it” and second, to make it clear in some way what we “get” so they know that we know why they are angry.

Here’s the challenge:  when someone is angry at us, we experience all kinds of reactions that are physical, mental, emotional, and even physical in nature. Muscles throughout our body tighten up. Memories or pictures of past events immediately flood our minds of when that person or another person has been angry at us in the past. Anxiety, fear, and even terror might overwhelm us.

The typical result? We either fight or take flight! (Freezing up is a type of fleeing.)

With PLEDGEtalk, I believe we can do better. It is still not easy, but doable and knowable as far as what is needed most by the angry person. They need to KNOW we have heard them.

The task is to Echo back what was said as fully as possible.

Take one (or three!) deep breaths (literally!) and Echo back what we heard. Don’t make it any more difficult than that. This is THE NUMBER ONE action that needs to be taken in the interaction. Echo back, then ask if we heard correctly – and get quiet. Wait for them to respond. Wait for them to either say yes we heard correctly or for them to continue with more explanation of why they are mad. If they do the latter – listen again until you “get” what else they are saying, then Echo back again, and ask once more if you heard correctly. You may need to do this several times until they calm down and have said all they feel they need to say.

But what if our reactions seem so strong that we can’t stay in the conversation to Echo back well? What then?

It’s why Pausing is so important to the PLEDGEtalk process. If I am overwhelmed physically, mentally, and emotionally, there is nothing better for me (and for the relationship) than to Pause. I must get quiet and/or get away where I feel safe and the other person will be safe from any harm I might otherwise incur with my words.

There is so much more I could say about this like:

  • we may need to repeatedly pause!
  • the length of the pause could be from 30 seconds to thirty hours, or even thirty days! I have paused with at least one person that I felt unsafe around even much longer than that!
  • we ultimately take the pause step – as in all steps of PLEDGEtalk – so that we keep from causing any further harm in the relationship and get back to love.

BUT…

…when we are able, we come back to the table and Echo back what we heard. In doing so, the person who is angry will experience being heard and understood. It is a good and solid step towards a helpful and healthy connection.

What is challenging for you when it comes to the step of Echo in the PLEDGEtalk process? Leave a reply below – even if just a word or sentence.

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How to Listen to an Angry Person

Further thoughts: Why is it so hard to listen to someone who is angry at you?

You know the experience – so do I. You have said or done something to someone which was apparently frustrating or hurtful. You didn’t mean to (or maybe you did) but they are reacting.

Why is it so hard to listen to them? And what can we do to change that?

It’s never fun having someone angry at you. At the very least it is quite uncomfortable, and at the most it is scary. As a result, we put up our guard and our fists – so to speak. We have been hurt or misunderstood in the past and we’re not about to get hurt again. We are ready to fight back!

Unless…

There is something of higher importance to us at that moment like:

  • doing the right thing rather than doing the thing that feels good at the moment
  • actually living out the proverb: “do unto others what you would have them do unto you.”
  • keeping the relationship and making it stronger.
  • And LOVE.  Oh yeah – that too!

I’ll be the first to admit…

IT IS HARD!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own reactivity. I am far more reactive than I like to admit. It’s why, when I am in a conflict, I have to work really hard at keeping myself on pause. I so want to jump in and show the other person where they are wrong! Rarely if ever is that helpful though.

And so…

  • I hit my own personal pause button again and again and again (did I say again?)
  • I do my utmost to stay quiet lest I speak unhelpful or even hurtful words.
  • I remind myself again and again and again (here I go again!) of who the person is to me, of what I want to model to others, and of how I most want to live my life.
  • I tell myself: I want to be known as a lover, not a reactor!
  • And so, I LISTEN!
  • I work hard to listen NOT to where they are in error, but to what I can learn. What is their perspective? What is the story in their head about what happened? What are they longing for in the relationship?

The next time someone is angry at you, will you do the same?

*In the comments below, tell me: what else works to help you be the best listener you can be, particularly when in conflict?

 

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Be Interested – PLEDGEtalk Thoughts

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday video tip I spoke of wanting to spend some time with a man I have only known mostly at a distance – so we did a breakfast together just a few weeks ago. I spoke further about the impact he made on me by how much time he took to express interest in me, rather than seek my interest in him.

This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week – at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.

I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important…even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.

As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here’s why:

If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others – rather than seek the others’ interest!

I don’t know about you, but more often than I’d like to admit, I struggle with the urge to get others interested in what I have to offer. And to the degree I give into the urge, the pressing matter becomes about me and the impact I want to make.

While listening to Damon speak, I looked around me and began to think of how each person in that room has a talent, a gift, an opportunity to have an impact upon those around them. In whatever conversations I have, do I want to help others discover how they can have an impact by being interested in their lives? Or do I want to make/keep the focus on getting them to help me? There’s a lot to think about here. I’m not saying we don’t think about our talents, gifts, etc.  But when and how often am I thinking of mine vs someone else’s?  And when should I focus on mine or when on someone else’s? As I said – a lot to think about.

Damon’s final challenge, and perhaps my final take away was his thoughts on a concept in the Bible most have heard if you grew up in the church. It is the idea that though we are in this world, we are not supposed to be “of this world.”

Stay with me a minute on this one.

Damon made a bold observation that I think is correct. Most who consider themselves Christians have (consciously or unconsciously) taken the concept above to mean that we should steer clear of people (or where they hang out) who do not think like we think when it comes to God because we are not “of this world.”

I have a good friend Nathan who has a church in a brewery in town and I think it is awesome! I love going myself whenever I can and having a beer with everyone there as we explore who Jesus is and what it means to follow Him. Nathan has struggled however with MANY “Christians” who think he is really off base – that he should not be there because he is then being “of the world.” I disagree. Those who attend would never step foot in a church “building.” How then might we ever have a chance to love them, invite them into the family, and learn how they too can have an impact in this world?

Damon ended by saying, he thinks we have twisted what Jesus meant:

FROM the idea: “Be in this world but not ‘of’ it.”

To: “Don’t go into this world – period.”

Don’t go into the world where “other” people are who don’t believe like we do. When we think like this, we create a distance between us and “them” which sadly, only pushes them further away rather than invites them IN. And all the while, we become just as much a part OF the “world” in our struggles with greed, money, lust, power, control, anger, fear, etc.

Whew!

Again – a LOT to think about there!

Remember: If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others (which requires being with them!) – more than seek the others’ interest!

Take some time to ponder – and let me know your thoughts below in response to this week’s “Further thoughts…!”

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Exercising PLEDGEtalk

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren’t going well.

Don’t ignore those moments!

Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship.  You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.

Easier said than done.

To be honest, I don’t always WANT to go back and work on the relationship. When I sense the prompting to do so, I have all kinds of arguments in my head why I don’t need to:

  • It wasn’t me who was at fault.
  • I’m tired of it always being me who reaches out first.
  • She needs to come to me – not me to her.
  • Why should I?
  • I just don’t want to!

Have you ever had arguments like these in your head?

They seem legit at the time.

I’m afraid all too often we say them to ourselves and go on our way. The conflict remains, the distance grows, and the relationship suffers. When it does, we have a choice: we either dig our heels in even deeper, or we stop and take a second look.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t my fault – does that really matter? Or does the relationship REALLY matter, and doing whatever is necessary to restore it?

Ok, so you are tired of it “always being you who reaches out first.” Have you really taken that careful of an inventory? And if you have, and it is true, then let me applaud you for reaching out so consistently. It is usually the hardest step to take, and someone has to take it. It might be you have the greater emotional wherewithal or the greater courage to do so. It might be the other person simply doesn’t know how or what to say. So thank you for taking the lead!

Holding on to a “she needs to come to me – not me to her” mindset leads nowhere fast. Your anger and bitterness will only grow. Sadly, the disconnect will grow too – and over time, so will options like divorce, unfriending someone, or quitting a church, a group, or a job. When we walk away, we will likely feel justified. What is most unfortunate, however, is that it might have simply taken a bit of humility to be the one that reaches back out to start the conversation.

Why should I?  Because it is right. It is good. It is love.

When “I just don’t want to,” I stop and think of how thankful I am that others have reached out to me when they didn’t want to.

And what changes this mindset the most for me, is when I stop to think about a God-man named Jesus, who struggled big time not wanting to die in order to show love towards people who hated him. In the final hours of his life here on earth, he prayed to his Father asking him if there was any other way. In the end, he did indeed die, because it was right, and good, and love.

I hope as we consider Jesus’s death and resurrection over this Easter season, we might all take note of any of our relationships that might need mending and take that first step to bring restoration,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Enjoying Others in Conversation

Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.

What do you do?

Ignore them?

Rip up the coloring or throw the stone away?

NO!

You look at their artwork or their beautiful stone and praise them! In effect, you enter into their joy and you enjoy THEM!

The result? They FEEL enjoyed! You know this to be true as the smile on the child’s faith grows even broader and they chatter non-stop about what the picture is or where they found the stone. They even want to show you more!

QUESTION: when was the last time you FELT enjoyed by someone or even a group of people?

Feeling enjoyed is perhaps one of the deepest longings of every human being. It is the effect of being loved, of experiencing being wanted, of being celebrated and made to know that we matter.

In the video you can watch HERE, I speak of a conversation I had with my wife when I was excitedly sharing something with her about my day. What I longed for then, is what I long for all the time when I have something I am excited to tell others. You long for the same – you want others to enter into your excitement. You want them to enjoy the moment with you, and in effect, enjoy YOU!

For those of you who – like me – are a follower of Christ, let me share one of the most amazing verses I have ever read.  AND if you are not a follower at this point, can you simply imagine for a moment what it would be like if the following were actually true?

In the first half of the Bible, there is a book called Zephaniah – named after a man who lived at the time who was also called a prophet. In chapter 3 of his book, Zephaniah writes of a time in the future when God will take great delight in us like a good Father does over his children. He goes on to say in fact that God will be SO FULL of delight over us that He will shout and sing and even spin around like He is dancing!

WHAAAAATTTTTT ?????

Can we even begin to imagine that?  The God of the universe singing, shouting, even spinning around with delight over us?

WOW!  I want that – and so do you and so does everyone else around us!

Here is my challenge to you this week:  take delight in those you interact with. Make them your focus, not yourself. Listen fully to all they have to say. Do all you can to make them feel like they matter – they REALLY MATTER. And let them know that even verbally. Thank them for sharing. Tell them how much you appreciate them and who they are. Give them a taste of being enjoyed.  In so doing you just might be able to give them a taste of a God who also wants to enjoy them and even dance with delight over them!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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