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Be Interested – PLEDGEtalk Thoughts

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday video tip I spoke of wanting to spend some time with a man I have only known mostly at a distance – so we did a breakfast together just a few weeks ago. I spoke further about the impact he made on me by how much time he took to express interest in me, rather than seek my interest in him.

This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week – at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.

I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important…even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.

As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here’s why:

If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others – rather than seek the others’ interest!

I don’t know about you, but more often than I’d like to admit, I struggle with the urge to get others interested in what I have to offer. And to the degree I give into the urge, the pressing matter becomes about me and the impact I want to make.

While listening to Damon speak, I looked around me and began to think of how each person in that room has a talent, a gift, an opportunity to have an impact upon those around them. In whatever conversations I have, do I want to help others discover how they can have an impact by being interested in their lives? Or do I want to make/keep the focus on getting them to help me? There’s a lot to think about here. I’m not saying we don’t think about our talents, gifts, etc.  But when and how often am I thinking of mine vs someone else’s?  And when should I focus on mine or when on someone else’s? As I said – a lot to think about.

Damon’s final challenge, and perhaps my final take away was his thoughts on a concept in the Bible most have heard if you grew up in the church. It is the idea that though we are in this world, we are not supposed to be “of this world.”

Stay with me a minute on this one.

Damon made a bold observation that I think is correct. Most who consider themselves Christians have (consciously or unconsciously) taken the concept above to mean that we should steer clear of people (or where they hang out) who do not think like we think when it comes to God because we are not “of this world.”

I have a good friend Nathan who has a church in a brewery in town and I think it is awesome! I love going myself whenever I can and having a beer with everyone there as we explore who Jesus is and what it means to follow Him. Nathan has struggled however with MANY “Christians” who think he is really off base – that he should not be there because he is then being “of the world.” I disagree. Those who attend would never step foot in a church “building.” How then might we ever have a chance to love them, invite them into the family, and learn how they too can have an impact in this world?

Damon ended by saying, he thinks we have twisted what Jesus meant:

FROM the idea: “Be in this world but not ‘of’ it.”

To: “Don’t go into this world – period.”

Don’t go into the world where “other” people are who don’t believe like we do. When we think like this, we create a distance between us and “them” which sadly, only pushes them further away rather than invites them IN. And all the while, we become just as much a part OF the “world” in our struggles with greed, money, lust, power, control, anger, fear, etc.

Whew!

Again – a LOT to think about there!

Remember: If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others (which requires being with them!) – more than seek the others’ interest!

Take some time to ponder – and let me know your thoughts below in response to this week’s “Further thoughts…!”

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Exercising PLEDGEtalk

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren’t going well.

Don’t ignore those moments!

Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship.  You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.

Easier said than done.

To be honest, I don’t always WANT to go back and work on the relationship. When I sense the prompting to do so, I have all kinds of arguments in my head why I don’t need to:

  • It wasn’t me who was at fault.
  • I’m tired of it always being me who reaches out first.
  • She needs to come to me – not me to her.
  • Why should I?
  • I just don’t want to!

Have you ever had arguments like these in your head?

They seem legit at the time.

I’m afraid all too often we say them to ourselves and go on our way. The conflict remains, the distance grows, and the relationship suffers. When it does, we have a choice: we either dig our heels in even deeper, or we stop and take a second look.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t my fault – does that really matter? Or does the relationship REALLY matter, and doing whatever is necessary to restore it?

Ok, so you are tired of it “always being you who reaches out first.” Have you really taken that careful of an inventory? And if you have, and it is true, then let me applaud you for reaching out so consistently. It is usually the hardest step to take, and someone has to take it. It might be you have the greater emotional wherewithal or the greater courage to do so. It might be the other person simply doesn’t know how or what to say. So thank you for taking the lead!

Holding on to a “she needs to come to me – not me to her” mindset leads nowhere fast. Your anger and bitterness will only grow. Sadly, the disconnect will grow too – and over time, so will options like divorce, unfriending someone, or quitting a church, a group, or a job. When we walk away, we will likely feel justified. What is most unfortunate, however, is that it might have simply taken a bit of humility to be the one that reaches back out to start the conversation.

Why should I?  Because it is right. It is good. It is love.

When “I just don’t want to,” I stop and think of how thankful I am that others have reached out to me when they didn’t want to.

And what changes this mindset the most for me, is when I stop to think about a God-man named Jesus, who struggled big time not wanting to die in order to show love towards people who hated him. In the final hours of his life here on earth, he prayed to his Father asking him if there was any other way. In the end, he did indeed die, because it was right, and good, and love.

I hope as we consider Jesus’s death and resurrection over this Easter season, we might all take note of any of our relationships that might need mending and take that first step to bring restoration,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Enjoying Others in Conversation

Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.

What do you do?

Ignore them?

Rip up the coloring or throw the stone away?

NO!

You look at their artwork or their beautiful stone and praise them! In effect, you enter into their joy and you enjoy THEM!

The result? They FEEL enjoyed! You know this to be true as the smile on the child’s faith grows even broader and they chatter non-stop about what the picture is or where they found the stone. They even want to show you more!

QUESTION: when was the last time you FELT enjoyed by someone or even a group of people?

Feeling enjoyed is perhaps one of the deepest longings of every human being. It is the effect of being loved, of experiencing being wanted, of being celebrated and made to know that we matter.

In the video you can watch HERE, I speak of a conversation I had with my wife when I was excitedly sharing something with her about my day. What I longed for then, is what I long for all the time when I have something I am excited to tell others. You long for the same – you want others to enter into your excitement. You want them to enjoy the moment with you, and in effect, enjoy YOU!

For those of you who – like me – are a follower of Christ, let me share one of the most amazing verses I have ever read.  AND if you are not a follower at this point, can you simply imagine for a moment what it would be like if the following were actually true?

In the first half of the Bible, there is a book called Zephaniah – named after a man who lived at the time who was also called a prophet. In chapter 3 of his book, Zephaniah writes of a time in the future when God will take great delight in us like a good Father does over his children. He goes on to say in fact that God will be SO FULL of delight over us that He will shout and sing and even spin around like He is dancing!

WHAAAAATTTTTT ?????

Can we even begin to imagine that?  The God of the universe singing, shouting, even spinning around with delight over us?

WOW!  I want that – and so do you and so does everyone else around us!

Here is my challenge to you this week:  take delight in those you interact with. Make them your focus, not yourself. Listen fully to all they have to say. Do all you can to make them feel like they matter – they REALLY MATTER. And let them know that even verbally. Thank them for sharing. Tell them how much you appreciate them and who they are. Give them a taste of being enjoyed.  In so doing you just might be able to give them a taste of a God who also wants to enjoy them and even dance with delight over them!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

 

What do I do, I thought.

 

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

  • Reacting
  • Fighting back
  • Being defensive
  • Standing up for my rights
  • Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

  • Showing them I heard them
  • Seeking to understand them and their story
  • Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
  • Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.

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My Reactivity is My Responsibility…

I have a past story. You have one too.  Hopefully, it is at least a mixture of bad and good if not more good.

Most of us don’t like looking back at the bad, and for good reason. It’s bad! It brings bad thoughts and feelings.  We’d rather just move on. And even if we do look back at the bad, we don’t want to do it for long. Maybe just long enough to say we did and “get over it” so it no longer affects us.

I get it. I understand.

Unfortunately, that’s really not how it works. I wish it was, but it isn’t. We don’t just look back once to recognize where we came from, get over it, and then move on

Just this week, I saw again how my past still affects my present.

On three different occasions, I found myself reacting to situations where I felt I was being criticized. Without going into a lot of detail (because I am not writing a book here!) one of the prominent feelings I experienced growing up was that of being criticized. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how good I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough – and I heard about it. Over and again I felt incredible frustration, anger, and shame.

So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.

Keep in mind, I am 63 years old as I write this. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling. I have thought of my past and spoken to others about it for hours and hours – and it still affects me.

Here’s the good news. Because I don’t turn a blind eye to my past and because I am real with a few people close to me, this awareness enables me to recognize how my past still affects me. And once I recognize the connection between my past and the present, it opens a new door for me to walk through. I can stop in the midst of my reaction, say to myself “that is of my past,” and walk across the threshold into a new and better way of relating to others, even when being criticized.

One more thing. Don’t hear me saying it is easy. And don’t think I will never struggle with this again. I will. I am quite certain of that. But keeping the above in mind, I have found that I don’t have to be controlled by my past, and neither do you!

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Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict?

Hi.

Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It’s a really important question for all of us today! Here’s why:

I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.

So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk – that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?

I had stepped into what I believe most of us do when we first encounter someone who disagrees with us–debate mode. And I was out to win!

There is an irony in DEBATE, that is so often missed. The person stating their case is seeking an audience-whether it is a hundred or one-who will listen intently to them and give thoughtful consideration to what is being said. They are hoping to be heard and seen as right.

I understand and appreciate that. I want to be heard too as was evidenced by my efforts to drive home my points with my wife in the conflict alluded to earlier.

It is also what we are seeing all around us now, whether it is masks and Covid19, Black Lives Matter, De-funding Police, CHOP Zones or Trump vs Biden. It is all about debating one’s point, hoping to be heard and seen as right.

Herein lies the irony. Though debaters expend great amounts of energy and often go to great lengths to get others to listen to them, they expend very little energy or effort to listen to another.

It’s a shame. Or a sham. And it’s what most of us do when in conflict!

Whatever happened to the golden rule?

If you want someone to really listen to and understand you, will you do the same for them?

I wonder what just might happen if the democrats and republicans sat down together to really listen and LEARN from each other. Or if supporters and non-supporters of Black Lives Matter BOTH committed to listening and learning from each other?

Whether on a small scale (my wife and I) or large scale (police and those who created the capital hill autonomous zone), I am convinced we all have much to learn if we just paused long enough to listen – but I mean REALLY listen. To do so, both sides must enter a DIALOGUE rather than a debate, with the firm conviction that both could learn from the other.

As I further reflected on my manner of communication with my wife, I realized just that. I needed to step out of debate mode and enter into dialogue mode. You see when I am in debate mode, what matters most is that I win, regardless of the cost to others. Ouch.

That’s not love. It’s not respectful. That is not how I want to be treated by others, and that’s really not how I want to treat them.

No, winning is not what life and relationships is all about, unless it is winning together. That is the goal of dialogue, and that is the way of PLEDGEtalk!

The next time you find yourself in the debate mode because of a conflict, large or small, I challenge you to join me and pause. Then re-enter the conversation in a dialogue mode so that you both might listen to learn and even win together!

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thanks,

Mark Oelze
Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk

HOME – PLEDGEtalk 2020

Two people arguing their point to the boss

two people arguing their point to the boss

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Should you Share Your Thoughts or Not?

LISTEN OR READ!

There I was with two people beside me engaging in a conversation that was not going well. The cause? Both kept dumping more and more thoughts into the pile of words and sentences already on the table. Finally, I stopped them and asked why they kept interrupting each other to state their own opinion. Their reply was: “when she (he) is talking, I have all these thoughts going on in my head, so I figure they must be important and I have to share them.”

My response was something like:  “because you have all kinds of thoughts going through your head only means you are not brain dead. It doesn’t mean they all need to be spoken!” (I tried to say it nicely!)

So what do you do with all those thoughts in your head? How do you know if you should share them?

Think about it: you and I have all kinds of things going through our minds all day long that we don’t speak out. Why then do we think they should all be spoken when in a conversation?

Seriously–having thoughts swirl around in our head just means we’re not brain dead!

Before we share, we must stop and evaluate our thoughts. It is critically important that we regularly pause before we speak not only in the middle of a conflict but in the middle of every conversation. We must get in the habit of evaluating the thoughts in our head.

When are our own thoughts important enough to speak out? How do we know?

Consider this: a person speaking is seeking to share a story, explain a concept, give reasons for an action taken, or something similar. When YOU are that person, what are you hoping those around you will do? Interrupt? Tell a bigger story? Spout off and say why your concept is wrong? Tell what actions THEY would have taken in a similar situation?  Not likely.

Instead, if you are like me, you would prefer first and foremost that your listener stays WITH you. That is to say, that they engage in the conversation in such a way that you continue to feel valued by what you have to say. They listen well without interjecting their own thoughts. And when they finally do, they first speak in some way to show appreciation for your thoughts. Maybe they even add to them by clarifying what you said or sharing something that would provoke further thought or insight into the subject. The LAST thing you want (but unfortunately the most common thing) is for someone to immediately take control of the conversation or switch the topic to something of their own liking while leaving you in the dust.

A personal example:

Think of the last time you were sitting around a table with your family or a group of friends. For me, it was when my wife and I were with our girls just a couple weeks ago at the Cheesecake Factory. Great time, great food, and awesome company! Each of us was taking time to share about events and challenges in our lives. When it came time for me to share, I began doing so only to be interrupted by the waiter asking if we wanted more water. Moments later, a new course of food was brought to the table interrupting the conversation once again. Then different ones around the table wanted to try some of the food on the plate next to them or across from them. With one distraction after another, I began feeling like what I had to say wasn’t that important! I know this is a very common experience we have all had.

What typically happens next? All too often, unfortunately, the conversation never comes back around to the original person speaking or to what he or she was talking about. The group is no longer WITH that person. Other people’s thoughts are now front and center. And the original person speaking feels left behind. Can you relate?

Here’s a question: how often do you THINK about dynamics like these when in a conversation with others?

All too often we don’t. Instead, we are simply more concerned about speaking out our own thoughts as if that were the more important matter. In so doing, we fail to value the person in front of us who is speaking.

The rest of the Cheesecake Factory story turned out differently. After each interruption, someone at the table turned back towards me and said in some way:  “So Dad, you were saying…??” It was incredible. I felt loved and honored. My family thought more about me at those moments than they did themselves. It’s not to say they didn’t have their own thoughts or a new conversation they wanted to start, but they put it aside in order to first stay WITH me and value what I was sharing.

Today and all week, I offer this challenge:

When in a conversation with your spouse, your child, a friend, a boss, a co-worker–or anyone else–and they are speaking, stay WITH them. Keep focused on what they are saying. Don’t try to “one-up” them, argue their point, or tell them where they are wrong. Stay focused and listen. Be genuinely interested in what THEY have to say. Go further whenever possible to even verbalize that you appreciate that they shared. Be prepared to catch them if they faint from shock!

Finally, I know this still begs the question: when do I share my thoughts? Are they important too? Great question.  What do you think?

Tell me your thoughts below (no pun intended.) Seriously! I’d love to hear from you.

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Listening: Seven Tools For Doing It Well

Listening involves more than you think! It takes work, focus, time, and energy. Are you up for the task? How important is it really? Learn seven critical tools for good listening!

Here is a scenario I see play out in my office over and over again: one spouse wishes the other would speak up more. They are frustrated thinking that the other doesn’t really care to make the relationship work because they won’t talk. I have seen wives who wish their husbands would talk more and husbands who wished the same of their wives. I have seen parents who wish their teens would talk more or team leaders who are frustrated because they can only get a few of their group members to share their ideas. What’s wrong? Why does this happen?

I can tell you one of THE biggest factors has to do with listening.

I shared a PLEDGEtalk Facebook post this week, that said: “Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.”

The person in front of you–whether it is your spouse, your daughter, or the team–won’t believe you are ready and willing to listen unless you are silent.

That means:

  1. you are looking intently at them.
  2. you will be sure not to have a frown on your face but an expression that portrays the idea that you care what they have to say.
  3. you will be patient, for as long as it takes for them to gather their thoughts. And when they do begin talking, you will do everything you can to make sure you don’t interrupt or interject. Instead, you will work hard to stay focused on each word and sentence that comes out of their mouth.
  4. you will wonder and maybe ask why they chose the words they did to describe how they are feeling or to explain their perspective on a matter.
  5. you will be intrigued with what they are saying while at the same time actively putting your own thoughts and reactions up on a shelf in your mind. Note I did not say put them under a rug to be buried, but up on a shelf for later. Your ideas, your reactions can’t be your focus–not if you are listening. Makes sense?
  6. you will keep working at putting your reactions on the shelf while staying SILENT and listening.
  7. And the only time you will speak is for the purpose of clarifying what the other has said or echoing back to make sure you heard correctly.

THAT is real listening!

When a person finally gets the experience of someone genuinely listening, they believe they matter and find their voice!

Now a few words of caution:

  • You may try using the seven tools above and not see the same intended results as I get. Don’t despair or give up. Remember I have been doing this for years as my profession! Go back through the list above to see if you missed anything and keep working at it. It also might take the quiet person awhile to believe that you really are sincere.
  • You may use any or all of the above tools and see quick results. Beware. If these tools are not already part of who you are, you will quickly forget them, fall into old patterns, and watch the person in front of you once again fade away into silence. If this happens, take note, admit what you just did (i.e. interrupted, or reacted, or grew impatient, etc.) and ask them if they would continue to share while you work once again at listening well.
  • You may grow weary or discouraged when you see how much work it takes to really listen well. You may even be tempted to think “if I have to go through all of that and more just to find out what another person is thinking, it’s not worth it. What they have to say must not be all that important.” You couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rather, they are like a mine full of precious jewels just waiting to be discovered!

Most of the breakthroughs I see in my office between spouses, or between parents and a child come when they learn to really listen. When truly listening, we give the gift of being heard. It’s when tears are most apt to appear, and real connection begins!

Think of the last time you felt really heard by someone. What was it they did to make you feel that way?  Let me know below!! I always appreciate your comments–it is encouraging to me as I feel like I am being heard!  🙂

Copyright: iqoncept / 123RF Stock Photo

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A Simple Way To Increase Respect In Your Relationships:

You and I both learned an important life lesson at a very early age: take turns.

If you have children you teach it all the time. One is playing with a toy, when another child comes along and grabs it because he wants to play with it. The first child cries or reacts in anger as she grabs the toy back, and a fight quickly ensues. As fast as we can, we jump in between the children and say: “you two need to take turns!”

How does this relate to better communication at work and at home?

At Work With Your Team:

Think back on your last team meeting. What went well? What didn’t?

Two way communication is critical for a team to succeed – where everyone understands the importance of each one sharing AND listening. All too often before one person has the chance to finish what they are saying, another jumps in on top of them with a different thought. Soon another does the same and another. Ideas, even good ones, are missed because people aren’t taking turns really listening to each other. Even when someone is able to share their entire thought without being interrupted, a very similar experience occurs as soon as there is silence – someone quickly jumps in to share their idea and then another follows suit and another.

What if there was a different norm? A question or idea is brought to the group’s attention, for the purpose of discussion and gaining further insight. The first person speaks up and has everyone else’s full attention. When finished speaking, it is obvious others are reflecting on what has been said. Questions are asked of the speaker to clarify or draw out additional ideas. Important takeaways are duly noted before someone else takes their turn to share an idea.

For communication to take place at its best, a team leader must foster a culture where each person is invited to speak and experience the respect of everyone else through intentional listening. Only then will mutual respect be experienced by all, and the optimal environment be in place to gain the most from the time together.

In team meetings or small groups, we must take turns – both speaking AND listening.

Today With Your spouse:

Tonight when you greet each other, take turns sharing about the day. Don’t be so eager to tell about your day that you cut the other person off in the middle of them telling about theirs. Listen intently instead. By doing so you are showing respect to your spouse.

Tonight With Your Kids:

Practice with your children as well. Give your full attention to them when you see them after school. Then ask them for a few moments of their time and attention as you share with them some about your day too. Being deliberate to do this will teach your children how taking turns when communicating is a way of showing respect to others. It will help them with friends and go along way in preparing them one day with a future mate and family.

Whenever In Conflict:

Perhaps nowhere is the need to take turns more apparent than when in conflict. It is a must. Each person is angry or hurt for some reason. Critical to solving that conflict is the act of giving each other an opportunity to share their side, while we listen to truly understand and appreciate their perspective.

Today and this weekend – practice and model taking turns when in dialogue with your team, your spouse, and your children.

Simple.

But powerful.

It will deepen mutual respect!

Now do this with me quickly – leave a short phrase or sentence below telling me one place today where you are going to put this into practice. Let’s encourage each other right now by writing it down in the comment section below:

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Give This Gift To Everyone Around You

Time and again we have heard people say: can we use PLEDGE in any relationship? And we want to shout YES YOU CAN! We have heard of people using it with their children, with their friends, with their parents, in their workplace, and even in politics!

Recently I was struck again with the thought that everyone has a story inside them. I was saddened and convicted that too often I don’t stop to hear their story. Sometimes, I even forget there is one. Nevertheless, there are deep things going on inside each of us. There is a story about our life growing up. There is story that has been lived out in our relationships as adults.

There is story each day we could tell – if there was someone to listen.

And that’s the catch…

… if there is someone to listen.

Hear me in… the pain I feel. The anger I exhibit. The depression I experience. The addiction I cannot overcome. Hear me in those moments when I attempt to open up, as feeble as it may be. Hear me in the confusion that washes over my face when you talk to me. Hear me when I am silent, not knowing what to say. Hear me when I talk non-stop, keeping you at bay.

There is story waiting to be heard at every moment, with every person.

Taking time to listen is a gift we can give day after day, every day.

It is a gift to our spouse, a gift to our children, a gift to a friend, a gift to someone we work with, a gift to our neighbor, and a gift to the stranger on the street or the check-out person in the store.

This week I had the honor and privilege of being the guest author/speaker in my wife’s class with her second graders. It was great fun! I got my little kid fix! My wife is teaching PLEDGE to these children. As I was talking to them about pausing when they are mad, I asked if they had ever heard of the Golden Rule. Most had not. I taught them about treating others just like we would want them to treat us. They didn’t like it when someone said mean things to them. They didn’t want to say mean things to others either. Instead, they just want someone to listen when they are mad or hurt.

Everything we needed to learn for life we learned in – ok, second grade.

We all just want someone to listen.

When we are mad, or hurt, or afraid, or sad, or confused, or discouraged, or excited and happy and encouraged – we want to share our story with someone – if they will just listen.

So today, look around you. Watch for those moments when someone, some where, in some way is saying: “Will you hear me in _______?”

Ask them questions like:

How are you?

What is happening?

How are you feeling about ____?

If they give you a quick, brushed off answer, say: “No I mean it. How are you really?”

And give them the gift of listening to their story!

Share with us how you listened this week!

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