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Resolving Conflict

The ONE STEP that is Critical to Resolve Your Next Conflict!

To move a conversation forward in a healthy direction so that both parties feel safe, breathe again, and experience hope, someone has to offer help first…

Someone has to say “Let’s pause.”

Someone else to say “Let me be the first to volunteer to listen to your side of the story.” That same person has to then Echo back and finally, drop their arms so to speak to Disarm the conflict and validate the other person’s story.

But who goes first?

Good question.

I used to say, “the one with the greatest emotional wherewithal at the moment.”  In other words, the one who has the most emotional control at the time of the conflict – the one who is least likely to be reactive at the time – should go first.

I still say that, but I would add the following:

The one who volunteers first to take the right steps when in conflict will be the one who is aware not only of the call of love but also of   the cost to love.

If we are honest we have to admit – it is hard at times to do the right thing when in conflict, especially when that right thing is making oneself vulnerable by listening rather than defending.

We are SO PRONE to being defensive and reactive!

IT COSTS TO LOVE WELL!

We must Disarm the conflict by:

  • Giving up the “right” to fight.
  • Taking the first step of risk by “laying down our arms.”
  • Resisting the urge to defend when listening.
  • Seeking to hear their heart beneath their words.
  • And choosing to validate their thoughts, feelings, impressions, or stories without insisting they hear ours.  (We can request the latter but not insist.)

It is hard!

It is love!

LOVE IS HARD!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

*Listen to the short communication tip HERE that prompted these further thoughts.

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Understanding Anger

How to Show Understanding to an Angry Person

A person who is angry is angry about something … for some reason. In their anger, they communicate directly or indirectly what they are angry about. Our task is first, to listen well enough to “get it” and second, to make it clear in some way what we “get” so they know that we know why they are angry.

Here’s the challenge:  when someone is angry at us, we experience all kinds of reactions that are physical, mental, emotional, and even physical in nature. Muscles throughout our body tighten up. Memories or pictures of past events immediately flood our minds of when that person or another person has been angry at us in the past. Anxiety, fear, and even terror might overwhelm us.

The typical result? We either fight or take flight! (Freezing up is a type of fleeing.)

With PLEDGEtalk, I believe we can do better. It is still not easy, but doable and knowable as far as what is needed most by the angry person. They need to KNOW we have heard them.

The task is to Echo back what was said as fully as possible.

Take one (or three!) deep breaths (literally!) and Echo back what we heard. Don’t make it any more difficult than that. This is THE NUMBER ONE action that needs to be taken in the interaction. Echo back, then ask if we heard correctly – and get quiet. Wait for them to respond. Wait for them to either say yes we heard correctly or for them to continue with more explanation of why they are mad. If they do the latter – listen again until you “get” what else they are saying, then Echo back again, and ask once more if you heard correctly. You may need to do this several times until they calm down and have said all they feel they need to say.

But what if our reactions seem so strong that we can’t stay in the conversation to Echo back well? What then?

It’s why Pausing is so important to the PLEDGEtalk process. If I am overwhelmed physically, mentally, and emotionally, there is nothing better for me (and for the relationship) than to Pause. I must get quiet and/or get away where I feel safe and the other person will be safe from any harm I might otherwise incur with my words.

There is so much more I could say about this like:

  • we may need to repeatedly pause!
  • the length of the pause could be from 30 seconds to thirty hours, or even thirty days! I have paused with at least one person that I felt unsafe around even much longer than that!
  • we ultimately take the pause step – as in all steps of PLEDGEtalk – so that we keep from causing any further harm in the relationship and get back to love.

BUT…

…when we are able, we come back to the table and Echo back what we heard. In doing so, the person who is angry will experience being heard and understood. It is a good and solid step towards a helpful and healthy connection.

What is challenging for you when it comes to the step of Echo in the PLEDGEtalk process? Leave a reply below – even if just a word or sentence.

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How to Listen to an Angry Person

Further thoughts: Why is it so hard to listen to someone who is angry at you?

You know the experience – so do I. You have said or done something to someone which was apparently frustrating or hurtful. You didn’t mean to (or maybe you did) but they are reacting.

Why is it so hard to listen to them? And what can we do to change that?

It’s never fun having someone angry at you. At the very least it is quite uncomfortable, and at the most it is scary. As a result, we put up our guard and our fists – so to speak. We have been hurt or misunderstood in the past and we’re not about to get hurt again. We are ready to fight back!

Unless…

There is something of higher importance to us at that moment like:

  • doing the right thing rather than doing the thing that feels good at the moment
  • actually living out the proverb: “do unto others what you would have them do unto you.”
  • keeping the relationship and making it stronger.
  • And LOVE.  Oh yeah – that too!

I’ll be the first to admit…

IT IS HARD!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own reactivity. I am far more reactive than I like to admit. It’s why, when I am in a conflict, I have to work really hard at keeping myself on pause. I so want to jump in and show the other person where they are wrong! Rarely if ever is that helpful though.

And so…

  • I hit my own personal pause button again and again and again (did I say again?)
  • I do my utmost to stay quiet lest I speak unhelpful or even hurtful words.
  • I remind myself again and again and again (here I go again!) of who the person is to me, of what I want to model to others, and of how I most want to live my life.
  • I tell myself: I want to be known as a lover, not a reactor!
  • And so, I LISTEN!
  • I work hard to listen NOT to where they are in error, but to what I can learn. What is their perspective? What is the story in their head about what happened? What are they longing for in the relationship?

The next time someone is angry at you, will you do the same?

*In the comments below, tell me: what else works to help you be the best listener you can be, particularly when in conflict?

 

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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How to Become a Master at Communication

In this week’s communication tip, I talked about my son, a semi-professional musician, who teaches History by day and plays guitar in restaurants by night.

I can’t tell you how amazing he is – you would just think I am just biased. I could tell you for instance that:

  • he has mastered not only the 6-string but the Brazilian 7-string guitar
  • he knows hundreds of songs in English and Portuguese by heart – chords, and lyrics.
  • I marvel at how he moves up and down the neck without even looking at where he places his fingers,
  • he can transpose a song into any key
  • he can listen to a song once and play along the second time
  • and I could go on.

But you might say it sounds like I’m bragging about my son, and you might be right. If you watched this week’s video, however, you heard that I also was making a huge point. You see, despite how good of a musician he is and how well he has mastered the guitar, he practices his core basic scales very slowly every day, up and down for a minimum of 20 minutes!

Why would he do that?

Why would he do that?  I would suggest he wants to become the best musician he can become and for two primary reasons:

First, for his own enjoyment and for the enjoyment of others around him. And to become the best he must never forget the basics.

Second, he wants to become the best musician he can become for the sake of the beauty and wonder of the guitar itself – to make it come alive to its fullest potential.

[Now transpose this idea (pun intended) from music to communication to get my point.]

 

Why should you and I practice communication skills every day?

First, we want to become the best communicators we can become so that we and others might enjoy the experience to the fullest. We were designed to enjoy and be enjoyed relationally. We know that to be true. We so long to be heard, and when we are heard well – it brings a sense of delight. Sadly, however, the experience of relational joy is not often felt. In practicing what we learn in PLEDGEtalk on a daily basis, we can give more and more people the experience of joy when we communicate with them.

Second, we want to become the best communicators we can become for the sake of the beauty and wonder of relationship itself – to make relationships come alive to their fullest potential!  We all long for relationship because we were created for relationship at the very core of our beings. To the degree we master communication, it increases the potential for us to experience the beauty and wonder of relationship.  And might I add, for the greatest expression of love!

There is much more I could say – a book’s worth even – but for the rest of this week and throughout the weekend:  practice good communication. Deliberately, intentionally practice taking the time to love well in the way you communicate. Look for the experience of joy when doing so and the beauty and wonder of relationship itself!

When was the last time you really felt someone took joy in you?

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Be Interested – PLEDGEtalk Thoughts

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday video tip I spoke of wanting to spend some time with a man I have only known mostly at a distance – so we did a breakfast together just a few weeks ago. I spoke further about the impact he made on me by how much time he took to express interest in me, rather than seek my interest in him.

This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week – at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.

I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important…even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.

As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here’s why:

If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others – rather than seek the others’ interest!

I don’t know about you, but more often than I’d like to admit, I struggle with the urge to get others interested in what I have to offer. And to the degree I give into the urge, the pressing matter becomes about me and the impact I want to make.

While listening to Damon speak, I looked around me and began to think of how each person in that room has a talent, a gift, an opportunity to have an impact upon those around them. In whatever conversations I have, do I want to help others discover how they can have an impact by being interested in their lives? Or do I want to make/keep the focus on getting them to help me? There’s a lot to think about here. I’m not saying we don’t think about our talents, gifts, etc.  But when and how often am I thinking of mine vs someone else’s?  And when should I focus on mine or when on someone else’s? As I said – a lot to think about.

Damon’s final challenge, and perhaps my final take away was his thoughts on a concept in the Bible most have heard if you grew up in the church. It is the idea that though we are in this world, we are not supposed to be “of this world.”

Stay with me a minute on this one.

Damon made a bold observation that I think is correct. Most who consider themselves Christians have (consciously or unconsciously) taken the concept above to mean that we should steer clear of people (or where they hang out) who do not think like we think when it comes to God because we are not “of this world.”

I have a good friend Nathan who has a church in a brewery in town and I think it is awesome! I love going myself whenever I can and having a beer with everyone there as we explore who Jesus is and what it means to follow Him. Nathan has struggled however with MANY “Christians” who think he is really off base – that he should not be there because he is then being “of the world.” I disagree. Those who attend would never step foot in a church “building.” How then might we ever have a chance to love them, invite them into the family, and learn how they too can have an impact in this world?

Damon ended by saying, he thinks we have twisted what Jesus meant:

FROM the idea: “Be in this world but not ‘of’ it.”

To: “Don’t go into this world – period.”

Don’t go into the world where “other” people are who don’t believe like we do. When we think like this, we create a distance between us and “them” which sadly, only pushes them further away rather than invites them IN. And all the while, we become just as much a part OF the “world” in our struggles with greed, money, lust, power, control, anger, fear, etc.

Whew!

Again – a LOT to think about there!

Remember: If you want to IMPACT the world around you, you must seek to be interested in others (which requires being with them!) – more than seek the others’ interest!

Take some time to ponder – and let me know your thoughts below in response to this week’s “Further thoughts…!”

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
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Exercising PLEDGEtalk

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren’t going well.

Don’t ignore those moments!

Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship.  You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.

Easier said than done.

To be honest, I don’t always WANT to go back and work on the relationship. When I sense the prompting to do so, I have all kinds of arguments in my head why I don’t need to:

  • It wasn’t me who was at fault.
  • I’m tired of it always being me who reaches out first.
  • She needs to come to me – not me to her.
  • Why should I?
  • I just don’t want to!

Have you ever had arguments like these in your head?

They seem legit at the time.

I’m afraid all too often we say them to ourselves and go on our way. The conflict remains, the distance grows, and the relationship suffers. When it does, we have a choice: we either dig our heels in even deeper, or we stop and take a second look.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t my fault – does that really matter? Or does the relationship REALLY matter, and doing whatever is necessary to restore it?

Ok, so you are tired of it “always being you who reaches out first.” Have you really taken that careful of an inventory? And if you have, and it is true, then let me applaud you for reaching out so consistently. It is usually the hardest step to take, and someone has to take it. It might be you have the greater emotional wherewithal or the greater courage to do so. It might be the other person simply doesn’t know how or what to say. So thank you for taking the lead!

Holding on to a “she needs to come to me – not me to her” mindset leads nowhere fast. Your anger and bitterness will only grow. Sadly, the disconnect will grow too – and over time, so will options like divorce, unfriending someone, or quitting a church, a group, or a job. When we walk away, we will likely feel justified. What is most unfortunate, however, is that it might have simply taken a bit of humility to be the one that reaches back out to start the conversation.

Why should I?  Because it is right. It is good. It is love.

When “I just don’t want to,” I stop and think of how thankful I am that others have reached out to me when they didn’t want to.

And what changes this mindset the most for me, is when I stop to think about a God-man named Jesus, who struggled big time not wanting to die in order to show love towards people who hated him. In the final hours of his life here on earth, he prayed to his Father asking him if there was any other way. In the end, he did indeed die, because it was right, and good, and love.

I hope as we consider Jesus’s death and resurrection over this Easter season, we might all take note of any of our relationships that might need mending and take that first step to bring restoration,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Enjoying Others in Conversation

Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.

What do you do?

Ignore them?

Rip up the coloring or throw the stone away?

NO!

You look at their artwork or their beautiful stone and praise them! In effect, you enter into their joy and you enjoy THEM!

The result? They FEEL enjoyed! You know this to be true as the smile on the child’s faith grows even broader and they chatter non-stop about what the picture is or where they found the stone. They even want to show you more!

QUESTION: when was the last time you FELT enjoyed by someone or even a group of people?

Feeling enjoyed is perhaps one of the deepest longings of every human being. It is the effect of being loved, of experiencing being wanted, of being celebrated and made to know that we matter.

In the video you can watch HERE, I speak of a conversation I had with my wife when I was excitedly sharing something with her about my day. What I longed for then, is what I long for all the time when I have something I am excited to tell others. You long for the same – you want others to enter into your excitement. You want them to enjoy the moment with you, and in effect, enjoy YOU!

For those of you who – like me – are a follower of Christ, let me share one of the most amazing verses I have ever read.  AND if you are not a follower at this point, can you simply imagine for a moment what it would be like if the following were actually true?

In the first half of the Bible, there is a book called Zephaniah – named after a man who lived at the time who was also called a prophet. In chapter 3 of his book, Zephaniah writes of a time in the future when God will take great delight in us like a good Father does over his children. He goes on to say in fact that God will be SO FULL of delight over us that He will shout and sing and even spin around like He is dancing!

WHAAAAATTTTTT ?????

Can we even begin to imagine that?  The God of the universe singing, shouting, even spinning around with delight over us?

WOW!  I want that – and so do you and so does everyone else around us!

Here is my challenge to you this week:  take delight in those you interact with. Make them your focus, not yourself. Listen fully to all they have to say. Do all you can to make them feel like they matter – they REALLY MATTER. And let them know that even verbally. Thank them for sharing. Tell them how much you appreciate them and who they are. Give them a taste of being enjoyed.  In so doing you just might be able to give them a taste of a God who also wants to enjoy them and even dance with delight over them!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

 

What do I do, I thought.

 

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

  • Reacting
  • Fighting back
  • Being defensive
  • Standing up for my rights
  • Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

  • Showing them I heard them
  • Seeking to understand them and their story
  • Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
  • Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.

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My Reactivity is My Responsibility…

I have a past story. You have one too.  Hopefully, it is at least a mixture of bad and good if not more good.

Most of us don’t like looking back at the bad, and for good reason. It’s bad! It brings bad thoughts and feelings.  We’d rather just move on. And even if we do look back at the bad, we don’t want to do it for long. Maybe just long enough to say we did and “get over it” so it no longer affects us.

I get it. I understand.

Unfortunately, that’s really not how it works. I wish it was, but it isn’t. We don’t just look back once to recognize where we came from, get over it, and then move on

Just this week, I saw again how my past still affects my present.

On three different occasions, I found myself reacting to situations where I felt I was being criticized. Without going into a lot of detail (because I am not writing a book here!) one of the prominent feelings I experienced growing up was that of being criticized. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how good I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough – and I heard about it. Over and again I felt incredible frustration, anger, and shame.

So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.

Keep in mind, I am 63 years old as I write this. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling. I have thought of my past and spoken to others about it for hours and hours – and it still affects me.

Here’s the good news. Because I don’t turn a blind eye to my past and because I am real with a few people close to me, this awareness enables me to recognize how my past still affects me. And once I recognize the connection between my past and the present, it opens a new door for me to walk through. I can stop in the midst of my reaction, say to myself “that is of my past,” and walk across the threshold into a new and better way of relating to others, even when being criticized.

One more thing. Don’t hear me saying it is easy. And don’t think I will never struggle with this again. I will. I am quite certain of that. But keeping the above in mind, I have found that I don’t have to be controlled by my past, and neither do you!

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Slow Down – and think HOW to communicate!

As a marriage counselor for over 30 years, I have spent a lot of time watching couples communicate their frustrations to each other. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about HOW to communicate!

Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it. I agree. That is the reason for one immediate suggestion I would make to most couples – and really everyone when in conversation. It is this: slow down the conversation so you can think more about how to communicate.

At times when I give counsel to two people in conflict, I interrupt them in the middle of a discussion.  I ask them to simply STOP talking. Then I look at each of them intently, back and forth, in total silence for a few moments.

When I begin again to speak, I do so quietly and slowly – all very deliberately to help them experience something new…

  • I want their minds to stop spinning and their emotional reactions to come to a standstill. Remember, when we are full of anger, hurt and anxiety, the rational part of the brain tends to shut down so we can’t think straight.
  • I want them to know what it is like to step away from pressing their own agenda. All too often when in a conversation where there is conflict what’s on our mind is what’s on our mind…our agenda. And we are out to get the other person to hear us.  Never mind the thought that they might want to be heard too.
  • I want to bring them to a place where instead they can begin to listen.  To really listen and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings.

Here’s what is likely to happen for all of us when we slow down our conversations and think more about how to communicate by genuinely listening:

  1. we will gain fresh or further understanding of each other;
  2. that will pave the way for us to experience empathy for the other;
  3. this, in turn, helps the other feel cared for once again;
  4. and that leads to the renewal of connection – what we both long for and are trying to achieve by our talking.

There is a time to voice our concerns as I teach in the TALK class, but never forget there is equally if not even more so, a need to LISTEN!

So this week simply STOP talking. Seek to slow down your conversations. It will likely require you to give up much of what you want to say so that you might call to mind the equally important task of listening. And when you do – listen that is – carefully observe the difference it makes in you, in the other, and between you. Test and see if the points above come true for you!

Leave a comment/question below or email:  mark@pledgetalk.com

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