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Six Actions When Someone Escalates the Situation

When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question – one I think we have all wondered about at times – so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.

Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and doing my best to communicate with friends and family (including all my grown kids) of the seriousness of the situation. One morning my wife, Zerrin, was telling our girls how frustrated she was about the news media and how they were blowing it up all out of proportion. She kept going on and on (in my mind) and my girls were agreeing. All the while, I was feeling increasingly angry because I felt like what she was saying might result in our girls not understanding the seriousness of the matter and then begin doing things that might put them and others more at risk.

At some point, I interrupted Zerrin to try to balance out or even stop the conversation. Then later, after my girls went out for a bit, I told my wife how angry I was and that she was undermining my attempts to help our girls clearly understand the crisis we are facing. She tried stating her thoughts, but I interrupted and pointed out how she was wrong with me and wrong in saying everything she had said to our girls.

THEN…

My wife got quiet, turned away from me, and finished what she was doing in the kitchen.

She had effectively PAUSED…

I can’t quite remember, but I might have said a few more things. And she remained quiet. Her PAUSE button was still on.

I started calming down – realizing she was practicing what I teach. The first step of the PLEDGEtalk process is to Pause when in a conflict. She was doing that well.

I also began experiencing shame – a good shame – which started the process of me evaluating what I had done wrong in the conversation. For example, I reflected on how I voiced my thoughts in a reactionary mode, rather than take the time to first think about what I wanted to say and how to say it best. I interrupted, rather than taking the time to listen to understand her perspective she was trying to tell me at first. And I scorned her for saying all she did to the girls, rather than talk with her about what I was concerned about.

For me, that was the effect of my wife pausing. It was a good thing. I needed time to see my wrong.

So again: what is the best way to handle communication when the other party escalates the situation?  I would say:

  1. Pause. Simply refuse to argue.
  2. Give time and space for the other person to calm down and think about how they were responding and what they might like to say if and when they were in a more emotionally controlled state of being.
  3. You might add at some point in a very quiet, slow, and gentle voice: “I am more than willing to discuss what you are frustrated about when we can do so in a quiet, helpful and healthy manner.” When finished saying this, don’t keep staring at them, simply say it and then turn back to doing what you were doing before. Staring only makes the other feel more pressured or stressed. Turning back to what you were doing, gives the other person time to think about what you just said without feeling pressured to respond.
  4. If you consistently find yourself in the position where another party escalates the situation with you, at some point – again in a very quiet, slow, gentle voice – you might say something like: “________ (name) often when we are in conflict or have an argument it seems as though you get quite upset or heated with me. Can you help me understand why?” OR “Am I doing or saying something or acting in a certain way that is causing you to get so upset with me?”
  5. If the other party does come back to talk in a better manner, or as in case #4 above, if they say you are doing something that causes them to react, then do everything in your power to listen well to what they have to say so that you might learn more about them and know how to better relate in the future.
  6. Finally, never hesitate to get outside help. When in a relationship with someone who consistently escalates the situation, it becomes quite damaging to the relationship.  Fear sets in, ongoing distance occurs between the parties, safety becomes an issue, and the relationship deteriorates. If this describes your situation, you may need to leave and/or get help to save the relationship. Call a wise friend or mentor, your Pastor or Priest, or a counselor to get help.

I hope this gives you some direction the next time you find yourself in a conflict with someone who escalates the situation! 

As always, leave your thoughts or questions below or send them to me! 

–Mark Oelze

Author and creator of PLEDGEtalk: when communication really matters! 

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How Can I Help You With COVID-19?

I have been wanting to write this for about a week now, regarding COVID-19.

On the one hand I have more time being “homebound.” On the other hand, I have not had as much time as I might have thought, because I have been spending a lot more time with family – and that’s a good thing! I hope you have experienced the same!

BUT THEN I WONDER–has it been good for you?

I know that conflict is also more apt to happen when we have more time together. On a walk with Zerrin this morning I had to apologize for two incidents over COVID-19 the last few days when I was short and reactive. I hate it when I am like that. I’m aware when I am mad, that I can be so unkind. I am truly so thankful for my wife and sad when I am like that. I’m also thankful that I can say both Zerrin and I know what to do when we have moments like these. We know how to get back to peace and the enjoyment of being together.

How about you? What has it been like so far with the stay at home orders? And how confidant are you that you know what to do when conflict happens?

My greatest desire is to be of help to you in your relationships – whether it is with a spouse, a child, an extended family member or friend.

So my simple question: how can I be of help?

What one question on communication or conflict resolution could I answer for you in a future email or blog post that would hold the greatest potential to improve your relationship(s) – particularly when we are spending so much more time together?

I look forward to hearing your answer!

Warmly,

Mark Oelze

ps…And by the way, I did a short two-minute video on our PLEDGEtalk Facebook page this week about perspectives. You might find it helpful. And if you do, would you share it with others? Thanks!

pss…don’t forget to email me your one question!

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A positive to the Corona Virus?

No doubt you like me, are hearing from every available news source about the effect the Corona Virus is having throughout the world, and the United States. Fear about the virus and the effects on our lives, jobs, and the overall economy continues to grow.

Schools and Universities have all gone online. Sports are suspended. Parades, political rallies and events of all kinds have been canceled. It’s the fear of gathering in crowds, and how it could spread the virus. These are just a few of the many ways in which this is affecting our country.

Then we were simply all told to stay home for a while!

Might I suggest some positive in the midst of all this?

In our all too busy world, “being” has been replaced by “doing.” Families are so busy running children from one event to another, there is no time for mom and dad to connect with each other or their kids. The noise we are offered from TV and movies and video games and music and podcasts and smartphones and social media and more, hinders us all from sitting still and quietly with someone to converse about life, to listen, and even enjoy their presence. I am afraid for many, they would not even know how to do this anymore.

What if in the midst of the corona virus, we came to realize on a much deeper level that what matters most in life is people, relationships and the gift of life?

For those of us who live with others, “having to stay at home” might just mean that we would have the opportunity to connect more with our spouse or our kids or a roommate or friend.

For those who live alone, it may be a good opportunity to reach out to someone and acknowledge any needs you may have. That can be hard, but it is part of what makes us human – we need others.

And a final word to all of us who do not live alone – may we be stirred to look around us and seek to meet the needs of anyone we know who is alone. It is following what Jesus once said: “love your neighbor as yourself.”

So my simple advice:

1. Keep up with the toilet paper :), prescription drugs, and food.

2. Maybe get more to share with a neighbor or family member who is alone.

3. Then spend time enjoying and rebuilding those relationships that matter most to you!

4. And for those of you who pray, please do! Pray for wisdom for our leaders. Pray for a growing understanding to fall on our nation of what is truly important in life, and most important – to know God Himself.

–Mark Oelze

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Hot Topics–What You Can Do When They Come Up

Zerrin and I had a great conversation with our son Micah recently that involved some hot topics. He lives in Miami and teaches History at Florida International University. Micah was telling us about some hot topics he has with his students. BUT AS WE TALKED, OUR CONVERSATION MORPHED INTO SOME HOT TOPICS BETWEEN US AND HIM! They were areas where we differ politically. Whew! Thankfully, the more we talked, the more we saw how we weren’t so different after all in our primary concerns.

I mentioned to Micah how I appreciated the conversation, and THEN he said this: “Dad, there are more talks like this that would be good for us to have, but we will only be able to do it to the degree we are willing to use the 6th step of the PLEDGEtalk process, that of Engage. Only when we are willing to Engage in conversation in areas that could potentially cause conflict will we be able to have more good conversations like this.”

Great point!

I had to agree.

I spend most of my time and writing detailing how to follow a healthy path to process conflict. We must learn how to do so, or our relationships will crumble.

Then there are whole different levels of conversation–hot topics–to be had that we avoid altogether because they might cause conflict.

Sadly, by choosing not to enter into discussions on hot topics we miss significant learning opportunities. A corollary thought certainly would be, if we don’t follow a healthy path to guide us through the hot topic discussions, we also miss learning from each other. In our family–on the surface at least–we have differing viewpoints in politics, in our spiritual life, and how we live life in general. The more we listen and understand each other, however, the more we are learning from each other and the closer relationally we are becoming.

We must be willing to engage in all conversations learning whatever it takes to do so in a healthy manner. (Tweet this!)Click To Tweet

Healthy and helpful conversations require that we engage the entire PLEDGEtalk process to talk through areas where we differ.

We have to PAUSE–and do so repeatedly. Again, and again, and again. Why? Because it is difficult for any one of us to keep from reacting to what others might say. We must discipline ourselves to keep our emotions in check and remind ourselves of the greater purposes of our conversation. Then too, it is imperative that we LISTEN to really understand. All too often we are guilty of listening just long enough to build up our defense before we jump in! This is rarely productive but only intensifies the conflict. Instead, we must focus on staying in the listening mode. Often it includes asking for further information by saying something as simple as “can you tell me more about…”  After listening, it is helpful to ECHO back what the other party has spoken to make sure we heard correctly. This is followed by some kind of validating remark such as “I can see why you think that” which DISARMS the tension between us. And finally, each person or group must have the opportunity to GIVE their perspective while the other takes their turn at Pausing, Listening, Echoing, and Disarming.

At the end of our conversation with Micah, both Zerrin and I agreed we would choose to ENGAGE even in the most difficult topics as a family, the hot topics–while using, of course, all the principles of PLEDGEtalk. It is not easy–but I am confident that to the degree we do, we will have amazing conversations.

I believe you can too! Keep working at PLEDGEtalk!!!!

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STOP with me for just a moment to wonder…

In the last lines of the last verse of one of the most common Christmas songs, Joy To The World, we sing this repeated phrase: “… and wonders of his love, and wonders of his love, and wo-onders, wo-onders of His love.”  Can you hear it?

…AND WONDERS OF HIS LOVE.

Most often I would imagine, we think of the wonders of his love being shown in that Jesus sacrificed His life for us on the cross. Indeed, that kind of sacrificial love should cause us all to wonder every day of our lives! As we near the celebration of Christmas, however, we think of the love He has shown by coming to live in our world, in the flesh. Every other god is a distant god…a god that does not come close, but in fact, requires it’s worshippers to achieve all they can to somehow work their way close. But the God of the Bible came close to us.

Now THAT is something to wonder about!

God came so close that He:

  • lived in a womb for nine months. Wonder.
  • experienced every aspect of life from birth until he died at 33. Wonder!
  • learned everything from how to eat, walk, and talk to raising up a group of men who would change the world. Wonder again!!
  • loved and was loved by family, friends, and complete strangers. Wonder.
  • touched a man with leprosy when everyone else sought to chase the leper away. Wonder!
  • welcomed tax collectors, prostitutes, and all other sinners. Wonder!!
  • on the night of His betrayal, spoke to His betrayer calling him “friend.” Wonder again!!!

God came close, so very close.

Fear did not hold Him back; love propelled Him forward.

Over the next few days, you may have the opportunity to be close to people you love. On the other hand, you may have the challenge of being close to people you don’t even enjoy. And there are others of you who can only wish for that experience of closeness once again.

Whatever your case may be, I still invite you to wonder.

God came close to us, so that we might know the experience of being close to Him and shown how to be close to others.

The prayer I have for my self and each of you this coming year, is:

– that we might come to know and experience His closeness at least a bit if not a lot more, than we do today. Be patient, however, with the process. Relationships take time. In the first stanza of the song I mentioned earlier in this post, Joy To The World, one of the lines you will remember is:  “…let every heart, prepare Him room.” That’s what you and I must do more of this coming year–prepare more room for Him in our busy lives and restless hearts. And when we do, the closeness we may feel might just cause us all the more to experience the “wonders of His love!”

 

Merry Christmas from all of us at PLEDGEtalk!

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The Power of Pause – A Guest Post

Copyright: fotogestoeber / 123RF Stock Photo

 

 

PAUSE! (A GUEST POST BY Chris Greenlee:)

When I was first introduced to PLEDGEtalk, the first step: pause – immediately impacted my life because I began to pause before I spoke. Now, for those like me – who like to talk – you might relate to my view. For those that already pause before you speak (I commend you) – allow me to explain: it isn’t that I want to dominate conversations, because I love listening as well; but rather, I like to talk because I think what I choose to share is valuable and will be appreciated.

(Listen to Chris share this post, then discuss with Mark how learning to pause has changed Chris’s life!)

 

Since I began intentionally pausing before I speak, I have noticed that the person I am listening to isn’t always finished speaking when I am ready to begin speaking myself. I have realized that sometimes people like to pause in the middle of their stories. Sometimes they pause to gather their thoughts, while other times they pause just to catch a breath.

When I choose to PAUSE instead of cut in with my input, it allows the other person to finish their point.

Let me illustrate this with an all-too-familiar scenario: pretend I am listening to you tell a story. Your story has 3 main points to it and then your final conclusion. If, after you finish making your first point, you take a short pause to catch your breath and/or gather your thoughts, I jump in and pivot from your first point (either agreeing or disagreeing with it) and then steer the conversation into a different topic – would you be satisfied with our conversation if you never got to finish your story? Now, what if I allowed you to catch your breath, waited patiently while you gathered your thoughts, listened intently to your final conclusion, and then responded – would you be more satisfied with our conversation?

Unfortunately, I had to admit that I was “hi-jacking” conversations in order to share MY thoughts and in the process I have missed out on a better understanding of those around me by not showing them the respect they deserve by truly listening to them.

The power of PAUSE has recently appeared in my life in a new situation as well.

I recently had my first child, and for those of you that have not experienced parenthood – sometimes a baby cries and it is difficult to figure out how to soothe the child. That may sound simple, but in reality, when another human being is screaming in your ear for an extended period of time it can test our patience and drive us to our mental, emotional, and physical limits. Incidentally, as my newborn son was screaming in my ear for an extended period of time, I recalled the other purpose of PAUSE – to take a break and think about the other person: What kind of relationship do I want to have with them? How much do they mean to me? What do they really need right now? How can I truly love them?

Since I have begun the habit of asking my wife for a short break from failing to console my child, I have been able to shift my perspective to his needs and realized that he isn’t mad at me; he just has needs that are difficult for him to communicate. This has given me the break I needed and allowed me to come back to him “on his side” as I approach him with more empathy and true love. Just realizing that he isn’t yelling AT me – but is yelling FOR me to help him – has changed everything and made parenting much more enjoyable.

Every conversation in my life has been improved and I am a better father to my newborn son: that is the power of PAUSE!

I hope that my words encourage you to use the power of pausing in your relationships and that it serves you as well as it has served me!

…………………………

Thank you to Chris Greenlee–an entrepreneur in Wichita, Kansas, and expert in training people in the skills of optimizing their time. I (Mark) have greatly benefited from Chris and his training and coaching! I would go so far as saying it is changing my life! If you are interested in working with Chris, you can reach him at:  christoddgreenlee@gmail.com)

…………………………

We are on a mission to improve relationships and create peace–one conversation at a time!

How has PAUSING helped you in your conversations? Leave a comment or example below. OR leave a comment to thank Chris for him sharing his experience with us! And if you would like to write a guest blog and be on my blogcast, email me at:  mark@pledgetalk.com

 

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Friendship: Learn this Key and Experience Its Power!

Copyright: stockbroker / 123RF Stock Photo

We all need a friendship or want one. Someone might object and say that is not true for them–they are fine on their own. But that’s not really true. We were made for relationship. It is part of our DNA. When you or I deny this, it is only because we have been hurt by one or more who have claimed to be our friend. We don’t want to be hurt again, so we lie to ourselves in order to silence the inner cry for relationship. Sadly, it leads to a life of loneliness, boredom, and bitterness. We were never meant to be alone. The greatest joys in life are experienced in relationships with others.

So what about that friendship? How do you go about creating one, or making the ones you have even better? And what is the power in a true friendship?

You have to know a KEY!  It is found in an ancient Proverb!

Zerrin and I have three children. Along the way, we’ve been very blessed to have others call us Mom and Dad as well. As our kids approached school age, we taught them a KEY to a great friendship. It is found in an ancient proverb–a wise saying. It says: “He who wants friends must make himself friendly.” We taught them the same proverb again when they went to middle school, high school, and college. Each of our children practiced the proverb well and have wonderful friends to this day wherever they go. And one day I have no doubts, they will be married to a best friend!

Those who want a friendship must make themselves friendly.

The obvious question is: how do you make yourself friendly?

There are many ways, of course, such as encouraging someone, standing up for them, giving them something of value, or going out of your way to help them. No real surprise here–we have heard this before.

I want to talk about a more specific way that involves the way we relate to them. Our daughter is working on a massive project, a curriculum that she hopes one day will be adopted by schools to lead children into the experiential knowledge of how to make and keep friends. She calls it The PLEDGE of Friendship. She is taking the principles of PLEDGEtalk and applying them to building friendships!

Think of how this might work for you.

First, remember the principles of PLEDGEtalk:

  • Pause
  • Listen
  • Echo
  • Disarm/Declare
  • Give
  • Engage

Intentionally apply PLEDGEtalk to your friendships.

Now imagine you are with a person with whom you would like to build a friendship. Here is how:

PAUSE: might I suggest you think more–a LOT more–about the principle of pause? To become a good friend, it is critical that you pause before you speak. Pause to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it!

Another Proverb (18:21 KJV) says: “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue!” Everything you and I say has the power to tear someone down or lift them up; bring them low as to the grave, or raise them up as to bring them life.

I have been shamed, called names, yelled at, and poked fun at. No doubt you have too. I am thankful I can also say I have been deeply encouraged, shown great care and love, and felt strongly supported by the words of others. Death and life–in the power of the tongue.

No doubt also, you and I have experienced times when words came out of our mouths and we wished we could have a do-over! I look back and shudder at comments I have made in the past towards my wife and others. Our words can bring great pain and sorrow to our relationships.

Each of us would do well to practice PAUSING a lot more than we do in our conversations. Mastering this principle alone would go a long way towards creating or improving a friendship!

LISTEN: listen to really understand that person you are hoping to befriend or with whom you want to develop a deeper friendship! There are realities being experienced in their life or world that they want to share with someone. Be that someone!!! And you will make a friend!

ECHO: when you are able to echo back what someone has said, it shows that person how much you care because of how well you listened! It will deepen the friendship.

DECLARE: when someone shares their thoughts or ideas, declare in some way that you appreciate what they said, or see value in their point of view. Thank them for sharing. I have a friend who does this with me regularly. Each time I experience his genuine care for me and our friendship is strengthened.

GIVE: your thoughts when invited OR ask to give your thoughts. Consider how this might better a conversation. Rather than each party jumping in with whatever they have to say whenever they want, mutual respect is demonstrated throughout a conversation as time is given for each one to speak. I wrote more about the power of this here.

ENGAGE: make each of the PLEDGEtalk steps a daily part of how you engage with others and in so doing you will be “making yourself friendly.”

Use PLEDGEtalk to make yourself friendly and experience its POWER:

John Gottman, nationally renowned therapist and researcher on successful marriages, in his New York Times best-selling book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work says he has found that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”

Beautiful.

In her article, Beyond the Classroom: The importance of friendship for success in school, Laurie Futterman says:  “Children are not born with social skills. Parents need to help prepare them to interact successfully with peers.”

Yes of course! Why not start by teaching your children PLEDGEtalk?

Jane Collingwood, in her blog post, The Importance of Friendship, references Tom Rath, Gallup Organization’s director, and Time Magazine saying: “Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee.”

Totally makes sense! Having good friends at a job has always improved my work!

Practice the PLEDGE of Friendship every day to improve your marriage, have better relationships with children, and enjoy going to work!

Remember:  “He or she who wants friends must make themselves friendly.”

As you finish reading this, will you “make yourself friendly” to me by doing one or the other of these?

  1. Share with me whom will you implement the PLEDGE of friendship?  Leave me a comment below. It will be encouraging to me and build our friendship!!
  2. Share this with one person today!

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Problems, Problems. Which Ones Do We Talk About?

Copyright: dogfella / 123RF Stock Photo

Regularly we find ourselves being slightly annoyed to downright furious at what we see as problems in others. What are we to do? Should we talk about them? How do we know?

I can’t say there are clear and hard fast rules that apply to everyone and all the time. BUT here are some practical considerations:

First, think of a continuum – from small problems to LARGE PROBLEMS.

Small problems: on a one to ten scale, consider the small problems being from one to three. These are issues like:

  • That driver who can’t tell the difference between a red and a green light. Are they color blind?
  • The spouse that leaves the toothpaste lid off sitting on the counter. Now the paste in the tube is drying up.
  • A co-worker who chews loudly when eating his lunch at his desk. Doesn’t he know others can hear?
  • A friend who is more concerned about how she looks than watching the time to get someplace. Doesn’t she see the clock?

Ok take a moment and feel the irritation. (Moment) Now ask yourself:  does it really matter?

My suggestions on whether or not to talk about the small problems:

  1. Generally speaking, let them go.
  2. Practice patience and mercy. Maybe the driver IS color blind! Just put the lid on the toothpaste and be thankful your spouse brushes their teeth! Turn up the music in your earbuds when your co-worker is eating or sing a song in your head using the chomping as a metronome. And be glad you have a friend!
  3. Then thank those around you for being patient with you in all the ways no doubt you might get on their nerves too!
  4. Consider this instead:  these minor irritations might really be shining a light on areas in your own life that would be helpful to change. The need to be more patient, to give more grace, to learn how to appreciate people who aren’t just like you.

Medium problems on a one to ten scale, consider these to be from four to a seven. Issues like:

  • Someone spending the available funds more freely than you would.
  • A friend who claims to have certain values in her life but the way she lives, makes you wonder.
  • You witness everyone shutting down in a team meeting in response to a leader’s reply to a question. Everyone but the leader seemed to notice the quiet that settled in.
  • A spouse says or does something that hurts, and then walks away like he doesn’t notice or even worse, he doesn’t care.
  • A teenager spouts off and storms to their room.

LARGE PROBLEMS on a one to ten scale consider these to be from eight to ten. Issues like:

  • A spouse having an affair
  • A boss or co-worker dipping from the funds
  • A friend who is ruining his or her life through an addiction
  • A parent who is out of control emotionally or physically with a child
  • A child who is threatening self-harm

When discussing Medium and LARGE PROBLEMS:

  1. Ask yourself:
    1. What’s your why for bringing it up? Are you feeling ripped off? Like you don’t deserve this kind of treatment? Are you angry and done with the person? Wanting to give them a bit of the same treatment they have given you? If your why is somehow to hurt a person back, then don’t bring it up. It will only lead to further destruction of the relationship. If on the other hand, you really care about the person(s), if they really matter to you, keep reading.
    2. What kind of thought have you given to bringing up the concern? Have you considered the timing and what you might say? How about your tone of voice? What are some different ways you could speak your concern?
    3. Are you seeking ultimately their good and the good of those around you? This clarifies your motive.
    4. Are you safe in bringing up the concern? While not the final determining factor, this is still an important obvious consideration. If not, look for ways to make it safe. Where, when, and how matters. Consider bringing someone with you – a mutual friend, co-worker, Pastor, counselor or family member.

2. Here’s how to bring it up:

    1. Express care and respect for the person, indicating you value the relationship.
    2. Start the conversation off something like:  “When this happens (this being a concern like any of the above), this is what happens in me (explain the hurt, anger, sadness, fear, etc) or what I see happening in those around you. Can we talk about it?”

3. THEN use the principles of PLEDGEtalk. If you don’t know them well or at all, learn them HERE.

4. When to get help. With the larger problems (and many medium problems too), it is almost always necessary to involve others for support, encouragement, knowledge, and wisdom. I underline necessary!

5. Be courageous. It is hard and scary, even for me. But if we care, it must be done.

6. Be humble. We all have much to learn. We don’t know the story behind what they are doing. We are far too quick to judge and too slow at seeking to understand.

7. Think of the rule:  “Do unto others what you would want them to do unto you.”  In all of what you do and say, keep in mind how you would hope someone would seek to help you if you were the one being approached.

There is obviously much more that could be written on these matters. What questions do you have? What would you add to this discussion? Leave your comments below!

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Should you Share Your Thoughts or Not?

LISTEN OR READ!

There I was with two people beside me engaging in a conversation that was not going well. The cause? Both kept dumping more and more thoughts into the pile of words and sentences already on the table. Finally, I stopped them and asked why they kept interrupting each other to state their own opinion. Their reply was: “when she (he) is talking, I have all these thoughts going on in my head, so I figure they must be important and I have to share them.”

My response was something like:  “because you have all kinds of thoughts going through your head only means you are not brain dead. It doesn’t mean they all need to be spoken!” (I tried to say it nicely!)

So what do you do with all those thoughts in your head? How do you know if you should share them?

Think about it: you and I have all kinds of things going through our minds all day long that we don’t speak out. Why then do we think they should all be spoken when in a conversation?

Seriously–having thoughts swirl around in our head just means we’re not brain dead!

Before we share, we must stop and evaluate our thoughts. It is critically important that we regularly pause before we speak not only in the middle of a conflict but in the middle of every conversation. We must get in the habit of evaluating the thoughts in our head.

When are our own thoughts important enough to speak out? How do we know?

Consider this: a person speaking is seeking to share a story, explain a concept, give reasons for an action taken, or something similar. When YOU are that person, what are you hoping those around you will do? Interrupt? Tell a bigger story? Spout off and say why your concept is wrong? Tell what actions THEY would have taken in a similar situation?  Not likely.

Instead, if you are like me, you would prefer first and foremost that your listener stays WITH you. That is to say, that they engage in the conversation in such a way that you continue to feel valued by what you have to say. They listen well without interjecting their own thoughts. And when they finally do, they first speak in some way to show appreciation for your thoughts. Maybe they even add to them by clarifying what you said or sharing something that would provoke further thought or insight into the subject. The LAST thing you want (but unfortunately the most common thing) is for someone to immediately take control of the conversation or switch the topic to something of their own liking while leaving you in the dust.

A personal example:

Think of the last time you were sitting around a table with your family or a group of friends. For me, it was when my wife and I were with our girls just a couple weeks ago at the Cheesecake Factory. Great time, great food, and awesome company! Each of us was taking time to share about events and challenges in our lives. When it came time for me to share, I began doing so only to be interrupted by the waiter asking if we wanted more water. Moments later, a new course of food was brought to the table interrupting the conversation once again. Then different ones around the table wanted to try some of the food on the plate next to them or across from them. With one distraction after another, I began feeling like what I had to say wasn’t that important! I know this is a very common experience we have all had.

What typically happens next? All too often, unfortunately, the conversation never comes back around to the original person speaking or to what he or she was talking about. The group is no longer WITH that person. Other people’s thoughts are now front and center. And the original person speaking feels left behind. Can you relate?

Here’s a question: how often do you THINK about dynamics like these when in a conversation with others?

All too often we don’t. Instead, we are simply more concerned about speaking out our own thoughts as if that were the more important matter. In so doing, we fail to value the person in front of us who is speaking.

The rest of the Cheesecake Factory story turned out differently. After each interruption, someone at the table turned back towards me and said in some way:  “So Dad, you were saying…??” It was incredible. I felt loved and honored. My family thought more about me at those moments than they did themselves. It’s not to say they didn’t have their own thoughts or a new conversation they wanted to start, but they put it aside in order to first stay WITH me and value what I was sharing.

Today and all week, I offer this challenge:

When in a conversation with your spouse, your child, a friend, a boss, a co-worker–or anyone else–and they are speaking, stay WITH them. Keep focused on what they are saying. Don’t try to “one-up” them, argue their point, or tell them where they are wrong. Stay focused and listen. Be genuinely interested in what THEY have to say. Go further whenever possible to even verbalize that you appreciate that they shared. Be prepared to catch them if they faint from shock!

Finally, I know this still begs the question: when do I share my thoughts? Are they important too? Great question.  What do you think?

Tell me your thoughts below (no pun intended.) Seriously! I’d love to hear from you.

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Listening: Seven Tools For Doing It Well

Listening involves more than you think! It takes work, focus, time, and energy. Are you up for the task? How important is it really? Learn seven critical tools for good listening!

Here is a scenario I see play out in my office over and over again: one spouse wishes the other would speak up more. They are frustrated thinking that the other doesn’t really care to make the relationship work because they won’t talk. I have seen wives who wish their husbands would talk more and husbands who wished the same of their wives. I have seen parents who wish their teens would talk more or team leaders who are frustrated because they can only get a few of their group members to share their ideas. What’s wrong? Why does this happen?

I can tell you one of THE biggest factors has to do with listening.

I shared a PLEDGEtalk Facebook post this week, that said: “Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.”

The person in front of you–whether it is your spouse, your daughter, or the team–won’t believe you are ready and willing to listen unless you are silent.

That means:

  1. you are looking intently at them.
  2. you will be sure not to have a frown on your face but an expression that portrays the idea that you care what they have to say.
  3. you will be patient, for as long as it takes for them to gather their thoughts. And when they do begin talking, you will do everything you can to make sure you don’t interrupt or interject. Instead, you will work hard to stay focused on each word and sentence that comes out of their mouth.
  4. you will wonder and maybe ask why they chose the words they did to describe how they are feeling or to explain their perspective on a matter.
  5. you will be intrigued with what they are saying while at the same time actively putting your own thoughts and reactions up on a shelf in your mind. Note I did not say put them under a rug to be buried, but up on a shelf for later. Your ideas, your reactions can’t be your focus–not if you are listening. Makes sense?
  6. you will keep working at putting your reactions on the shelf while staying SILENT and listening.
  7. And the only time you will speak is for the purpose of clarifying what the other has said or echoing back to make sure you heard correctly.

THAT is real listening!

When a person finally gets the experience of someone genuinely listening, they believe they matter and find their voice!

Now a few words of caution:

  • You may try using the seven tools above and not see the same intended results as I get. Don’t despair or give up. Remember I have been doing this for years as my profession! Go back through the list above to see if you missed anything and keep working at it. It also might take the quiet person awhile to believe that you really are sincere.
  • You may use any or all of the above tools and see quick results. Beware. If these tools are not already part of who you are, you will quickly forget them, fall into old patterns, and watch the person in front of you once again fade away into silence. If this happens, take note, admit what you just did (i.e. interrupted, or reacted, or grew impatient, etc.) and ask them if they would continue to share while you work once again at listening well.
  • You may grow weary or discouraged when you see how much work it takes to really listen well. You may even be tempted to think “if I have to go through all of that and more just to find out what another person is thinking, it’s not worth it. What they have to say must not be all that important.” You couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rather, they are like a mine full of precious jewels just waiting to be discovered!

Most of the breakthroughs I see in my office between spouses, or between parents and a child come when they learn to really listen. When truly listening, we give the gift of being heard. It’s when tears are most apt to appear, and real connection begins!

Think of the last time you felt really heard by someone. What was it they did to make you feel that way?  Let me know below!! I always appreciate your comments–it is encouraging to me as I feel like I am being heard!  🙂

Copyright: iqoncept / 123RF Stock Photo

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