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Exercising PLEDGEtalk

In this week’s Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren’t going well.

Don’t ignore those moments!

Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship.  You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.

Easier said than done.

To be honest, I don’t always WANT to go back and work on the relationship. When I sense the prompting to do so, I have all kinds of arguments in my head why I don’t need to:

  • It wasn’t me who was at fault.
  • I’m tired of it always being me who reaches out first.
  • She needs to come to me – not me to her.
  • Why should I?
  • I just don’t want to!

Have you ever had arguments like these in your head?

They seem legit at the time.

I’m afraid all too often we say them to ourselves and go on our way. The conflict remains, the distance grows, and the relationship suffers. When it does, we have a choice: we either dig our heels in even deeper, or we stop and take a second look.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t my fault – does that really matter? Or does the relationship REALLY matter, and doing whatever is necessary to restore it?

Ok, so you are tired of it “always being you who reaches out first.” Have you really taken that careful of an inventory? And if you have, and it is true, then let me applaud you for reaching out so consistently. It is usually the hardest step to take, and someone has to take it. It might be you have the greater emotional wherewithal or the greater courage to do so. It might be the other person simply doesn’t know how or what to say. So thank you for taking the lead!

Holding on to a “she needs to come to me – not me to her” mindset leads nowhere fast. Your anger and bitterness will only grow. Sadly, the disconnect will grow too – and over time, so will options like divorce, unfriending someone, or quitting a church, a group, or a job. When we walk away, we will likely feel justified. What is most unfortunate, however, is that it might have simply taken a bit of humility to be the one that reaches back out to start the conversation.

Why should I?  Because it is right. It is good. It is love.

When “I just don’t want to,” I stop and think of how thankful I am that others have reached out to me when they didn’t want to.

And what changes this mindset the most for me, is when I stop to think about a God-man named Jesus, who struggled big time not wanting to die in order to show love towards people who hated him. In the final hours of his life here on earth, he prayed to his Father asking him if there was any other way. In the end, he did indeed die, because it was right, and good, and love.

I hope as we consider Jesus’s death and resurrection over this Easter season, we might all take note of any of our relationships that might need mending and take that first step to bring restoration,

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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Enjoying Others in Conversation

Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.

What do you do?

Ignore them?

Rip up the coloring or throw the stone away?

NO!

You look at their artwork or their beautiful stone and praise them! In effect, you enter into their joy and you enjoy THEM!

The result? They FEEL enjoyed! You know this to be true as the smile on the child’s faith grows even broader and they chatter non-stop about what the picture is or where they found the stone. They even want to show you more!

QUESTION: when was the last time you FELT enjoyed by someone or even a group of people?

Feeling enjoyed is perhaps one of the deepest longings of every human being. It is the effect of being loved, of experiencing being wanted, of being celebrated and made to know that we matter.

In the video you can watch HERE, I speak of a conversation I had with my wife when I was excitedly sharing something with her about my day. What I longed for then, is what I long for all the time when I have something I am excited to tell others. You long for the same – you want others to enter into your excitement. You want them to enjoy the moment with you, and in effect, enjoy YOU!

For those of you who – like me – are a follower of Christ, let me share one of the most amazing verses I have ever read.  AND if you are not a follower at this point, can you simply imagine for a moment what it would be like if the following were actually true?

In the first half of the Bible, there is a book called Zephaniah – named after a man who lived at the time who was also called a prophet. In chapter 3 of his book, Zephaniah writes of a time in the future when God will take great delight in us like a good Father does over his children. He goes on to say in fact that God will be SO FULL of delight over us that He will shout and sing and even spin around like He is dancing!

WHAAAAATTTTTT ?????

Can we even begin to imagine that?  The God of the universe singing, shouting, even spinning around with delight over us?

WOW!  I want that – and so do you and so does everyone else around us!

Here is my challenge to you this week:  take delight in those you interact with. Make them your focus, not yourself. Listen fully to all they have to say. Do all you can to make them feel like they matter – they REALLY MATTER. And let them know that even verbally. Thank them for sharing. Tell them how much you appreciate them and who they are. Give them a taste of being enjoyed.  In so doing you just might be able to give them a taste of a God who also wants to enjoy them and even dance with delight over them!

Mark Oelze, Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk

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How To Calm an Angry Person…

Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?

I can.

I didn’t like it.

I wished they were calmer.

But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.

 

What do I do, I thought.

 

Then I remembered an ancient proverb: “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

This proverb has come to mind many times since I first read it and contemplated its message.

Consider this: when someone is angry at you, they are angry for a reason. Saying it another way, there is a story behind their anger. The story may be inaccurate at least as far as you might be concerned, but nevertheless, there is a story and it is THEIR story… the story behind their anger.

I’m remembering a time when someone was angry at me because I failed to do something for them. It wasn’t that I intentionally failed to do it. I honestly had never even thought about doing it.

SO… I could have just said:  “Hey – relax a bit, would you! I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t even think about it. So get off your high horse and forget it!”

Now that’s a great response!  NOT !!!

Remember the second half of the proverb:  “…but harsh words make tempers flare.”  By responding like the above, I would almost certainly make the conversation flare up even more!

I remind myself in situations like the above, there is a better response… “A gentle answer…” as the first part of the proverb says, “deflects anger.”

So what might a “gentle answer” look or sound like when someone speaks angrily to us?

In the example above I could have quietly and slowly said: “Hey…can you relax?” (Take a breath.) “I didn’t mean anything by it.” (Take another breath.) “I didn’t even think about it honestly.” (Leave off the “high horse” part and just get quiet.”

Whereas that would indeed be nicer, I’d like to suggest an even better response. In PLEDGEtalk, it is the third step we call, ECHO. It’s where we echo back what someone has said to us, and then we get quiet, like the following (said slowly and on the quiet side):

“You look and sound angry when you talk about what I failed to do for you.” (Take a breath and remain quiet until they respond.)

At first glance that may not seem like much. Trust me – it is a LOT!

I am NOT:

  • Reacting
  • Fighting back
  • Being defensive
  • Standing up for my rights
  • Telling them to you know what

All of which would make tempers flare!

I AM:

  • Showing them I heard them
  • Seeking to understand them and their story
  • Giving them time, space, and an opportunity to say even more if they wish
  • Showing them that they matter to me even when they are angry

All of which every one of us desires, even when we are mad!

Now you ask, what happens when they tell me even more – still in anger?

My response: Echo back again and again. And when you see them beginning to calm down, validate what they have said.  Then watch the anger dissipate even further.

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My Reactivity is My Responsibility…

I have a past story. You have one too.  Hopefully, it is at least a mixture of bad and good if not more good.

Most of us don’t like looking back at the bad, and for good reason. It’s bad! It brings bad thoughts and feelings.  We’d rather just move on. And even if we do look back at the bad, we don’t want to do it for long. Maybe just long enough to say we did and “get over it” so it no longer affects us.

I get it. I understand.

Unfortunately, that’s really not how it works. I wish it was, but it isn’t. We don’t just look back once to recognize where we came from, get over it, and then move on

Just this week, I saw again how my past still affects my present.

On three different occasions, I found myself reacting to situations where I felt I was being criticized. Without going into a lot of detail (because I am not writing a book here!) one of the prominent feelings I experienced growing up was that of being criticized. It didn’t matter what I was doing or how good I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough – and I heard about it. Over and again I felt incredible frustration, anger, and shame.

So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.

Keep in mind, I am 63 years old as I write this. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling. I have thought of my past and spoken to others about it for hours and hours – and it still affects me.

Here’s the good news. Because I don’t turn a blind eye to my past and because I am real with a few people close to me, this awareness enables me to recognize how my past still affects me. And once I recognize the connection between my past and the present, it opens a new door for me to walk through. I can stop in the midst of my reaction, say to myself “that is of my past,” and walk across the threshold into a new and better way of relating to others, even when being criticized.

One more thing. Don’t hear me saying it is easy. And don’t think I will never struggle with this again. I will. I am quite certain of that. But keeping the above in mind, I have found that I don’t have to be controlled by my past, and neither do you!

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ANXIETY? You can do THIS to find calm.

How is your anxiety these days?

​(WARNING: this article is a bit longer than usual, and will require reflection. Scan to the summary at the end if needed–not recommended though. My suggestion, find a time when you can read the article in full and consider how it can apply to you. Then let me know what you think.)

​Not sure about you, but my anxiety level goes up and down in life a lot, and even more so these days with Covid-19.

​The latest for me has been my daughter’s wedding. It is coming up soon–in Oklahoma. It’s been in the works for months but has created a lot of uncertainty for weeks now with the pandemic. Should we have postponed it or changed the date? How many people should we have invited? We had 250, then 60, then 10, then 30, and now – who knows? What really matters is that they get married, right? Yes? No? You get the point. All kinds of questions and uncertainties in my head.

​Or how about another source of anxiety – finances. They are a source of anxiety all the time for most, but especially during CV19. What happened to your retirement funds (if you had any in the first place)? Will they ever recover? Will you have a job yet throughout this year to provide for your family? Will the economy come back as some say it will or will it get worse? Will there be a second wave? Will it ever be the same as it was?

​I could add more questions. You could too. Before I wrote the next sentence I counted up how many other sources of anxiety there are currently in my life – at least 8. You may have more.

​There is much that is uncertain these days.

​How do we find calm in the midst of anxiety?

​We have to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Let me explain.

​Think of anxiety as being the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen, but are uncertain if it will.

(I define “need” as something that the one in need requires in order to experience a sense of ok-ness, security, calm, etc.)

​That something we “need” to happen could be as simple as a business meeting producing positive results, or a difficult conversation leading to a hope-for outcome. If these turn out how we want, we are happy and excited, if they don’t we are frustrated or disappointed. BUT until we know the outcome, we are anxious – because of the uncertainty of what will happen. Other examples could include:

  • A person who needs their marriage to survive, but they aren’t sure it will, experiences anxiety.
  • Someone hopes (needs) their employer will keep them on during this crisis, but they have no guarantee of it happening. The uncertainty creates anxiety.
  • Parents “need” their teenager to connect more with the family but don’t know how to reach their child. What they have tried hasn’t seemed to work. Time is running short before the teen leaves the nest. The parents experience anxiety.

​Remember, anxiety is the result of needing something to happen, but being uncertain if it will. The more dependent one is on what they need, and the less certain of it happening, the greater the anxiety.

​To decrease anxiety then, one option is to create greater certainty that what we need to happen WILL happen. This is what most of us seek to do as we face life’s challenges.

​In our anxiety over finances, for instance, there are a number of things we seek to do to create greater certainty we will have enough income to provide for our family, now and in the future. We:

  • Work harder
  • Strive to get out of debt
  • Use a budget (Like Dave Ramsey’s – and I don’t get commission for mentioning him!)
  • Spend wisely
  • Develop a savings account
  • Build one’s assets
  • Invest

​Some or all of these steps are do-able to some degree or another for each of us. And that can create a greater sense of certainty that we will be able to provide both now and in the future for our family.

​Until COVID-19 hits or some other disaster we had not been expecting!

​Then we are faced with the reality that as hard as we try, we can’t be certain that we can make happen what we think needs to happen. We don’t have that level of ultimate control–not only in our finances but in any area of life. We like to think we do, but deep down we know we don’t.

​THAT is why we are anxious.

​So if in fact, we cannot be certain about getting which we need, because we don’t have as much control as we like, what can we do?

​We must take option two: change our needs to desires, and seek a greater good.

​Consider the following scenarios to understand what I mean:

​Last year, we lost a good friend to cancer. She was an amazing person in so many ways, even up to the very point of death. I can’t remember her ever really complaining though she battled for two years and went through so much. Days before she died, Zerrin and I visited her, and she was still not complaining. She even asked how we were! She wasn’t mad at life or God and was largely at peace. She left behind a husband and two young teenagers. How did she do it?

She changed her “need” for health, to a “desire” for health. It was a strong desire for sure, but still a desire. It ceased being a need. And she sought a greater good.

​Strangely, during the last two months, I have lived with less anxiety than ever over the future of our finances. And it’s not because we came into an inheritance or anything! Rather, we have changed our “need” to a “desire” for financial security. And we seek a greater good.

​In order to reduce their anxiety, the parents who “need” their kids to connect more with the family, will have to change their “need” to a “desire” and seek a greater good.

​And finally, I think of Jesus, who faced a terrible death and cried out to his Father for intervention, but nevertheless, downgraded his “need” to a “desire” and sought a greater good.

​What is that “greater good” to seek?

​At first glance, one might say the “greater good” to seek is to leave a legacy, or put things in perspective, or to love without demanding. These are all worthy pursuits for each of us.

​For those of us who follow Jesus, we can seek an additional “greater good.” We can seek to live a life where we don’t deny our desires, but not confuse them with needs. We know our greatest good is to entrust our lives to our Creator and follow Him wherever He leads, knowing for certain that whatever He does here on earth and afterward is best.

​If our finances suffer, we can seek God and His leading in our lives.

​If our teens choose to not connect with the family and go their own way, we can still trust God and seek His direction on how to still best love our kids.

​When we are diagnosed with that terminal illness–we can seek His comfort and help knowing He is with us and that soon we will be with Him.

​Towards the end of his prayer, when Jesus asked a third time for another plan to be drawn up, He expressed His prayer as a desire – not a need. And instead, He sought to do the greater good–that of carrying out what His Father requested and focusing on the joy it would bring in the end.

​In summary, anxiety is the emotional reaction we experience when we need something to happen but are uncertain if it will.

​It is a common experience known to every person on earth. How we deal with it, however, is not so common. We all engage in various stress relievers, but to process anxiety most fully and find calm, we must learn to change our needs to desires and seek a greater good.

​Did you find this helpful? If so, would you share it with a friend or family member who might also be helped?

Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear from you!

​Thank you!

​Mark Oelze

Author, Creator of PLEDGEtalk, a How To When Communication Matters

For more useful tips go here…https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

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When Your Children Are Hurting – 7 Actions to Take!

When your children are hurting–at any age–it’s tough. No parent wants to see their children suffer, and yet it happens because we live in a world with a lot of disappointment and brokenness. What can you do as a parent when it happens? Much could be said in response. Here are seven actions to consider:

First, strike a balance between shielding them and sheltering WITH them.

Pain in this world is inevitable. Our children need to learn that life will be hard and disappointing, sometimes profoundly so. At the same time, we want them to learn they don’t have to go it alone. All trauma has a damaging effect on a person. What makes it worse, however, is when they feel alone, when they have no one to cry or talk with about what happened.

If a child is abused, if a child’s parents divorce, if they lose a friend or experience any other kind of loss, the pain is very real. What paves the way for healing is having someone(s) to walk with them through the hurt. As parents, we do our best to shield them, but more importantly, we must be careful to shelter WITH them–we must get into their world to be with them. Let them know they are not alone.

Second, when your children are hurting, help them name what they are feeling.

This can be hard for children and adults. We often act out our feelings rather than name or talk about them. Naming our feelings brings definition to our experience. This then opens the door to understanding ourselves and invites others to as well.

Are your children sad, mad, scared, disappointed, or hurt? Use these words when talking with them and any others that would most accurately define their experience. Doing so will be a further part of their healing experience as we all want to be understood.

Third, once you name their feelings, be sure to validate them.

We have all had questions at times about our feelings or the degree to which we felt them. Are we crazy for feeling what we are feeling? Being too sensitive? Just a wimp? Shouldn’t I be stronger? Are my feelings ok? Will I be shamed for feeling them? When should I be over them? And on and on. What we all want is someone to come alongside to simply validate our experience. We are looking for words like:

  • “it’s Ok.”
  • “We are with you.”
  • “We understand.”
  • “I am mad too.” (or sad, or scared, or hurt, etc.)
  • “I would feel that way if I were you.”

Having someone validate our feelings further alleviates our sense of aloneness, and allows us to move one step closer to healing in that we settle in to our experience rather than fight against it. What has occurred has occurred. There is no way to undo it. We must feel what we feel. This is just as true for us as adults as it is for our children. To the degree we validate our children’s feelings even by talking to them about our feelings, it helps to heal…over time.

Fourth, help guide their thinking.

Often times when painful events or losses occur, one’s thinking can become quite distorted. We had our home broken into a little over a year ago. It took quite some time before my mind was more at peace and my thoughts more normal whenever we would leave the house or go to sleep at night. For children going through a divorce a mom might have to answer questions in their minds like, “If daddy doesn’t want to be with us anymore, will you stop wanting to be with us too?”

Much could be said about distorted thinking. Just know that it happens to us all, adults and children alike. Listening to when your children are hurting and asking what they are thinking gives us the opportunity to help steer their thinking in a healthy direction.

Fifth, when your children are hurting, be patient with the process.

There are many factors that determine how long a child will feel pain from a difficult experience in life and what the long term effects will be. Be careful to not let your pre-conceived ideas be the deciding factor. It will likely be different than whatever you think. It has never helped me when someone said I should stop being angry, or I should be over it by now. That won’t help your children either. Be patient–for as long as it takes, staying focused on each of the above steps, rather than pushing them to “get over it.”

Sixth, keep up with life as best as you can.

Whereas I just said to be patient with the process, we still have to keep up with life. Children still need to get up and go to bed at regular hours, eat, and go to school, help around the house, etc., and have time for fun. Yes, fun. Even in the midst of difficult times, whenever possible, it is good to take breaks from grieving and have some levity. It gives forth an underlying message that though what we have gone through is tough, perhaps REALLY tough, we are not ruined, we are still together, and we will get through this.

One word of caution, however, be careful that you do not assume or indicate to your children, that once laughter occurs or other matters have been attended to, that everyone is over the event. This is seen as a reprieve, not an end to the hurt that has occurred. You will likely experience many times when you go back and forth between feelings expressed needing to be validated and times of reprieve. It is all part of the healing process.

Seventh, seek help from others.

Even when taking all the above action steps, it is always good to consider what outside help is available. This can be family, friends, church, a counselor, etc. We live in an era where we are blessed with so many resources. For followers of Christ, we have the assurance that He is always with us, that He will comfort us, and provide in time of need. Teaching this to our children is another way to help them heal.

Whereas we might be hesitant at times to express need to others, giving way to that hesitation may hinder us from finding some key help in the process. Reach out and seek help!

A final note:

As I wrote the above, I had many scenarios in mind, not the least of which of course is the challenge everyone of us is facing right now with the Corona Virus. This is a world-wide traumatic experience playing out in all kinds of various degrees across our nation and the world. Adults and children alike have been affected.

With my wife and daughter being grade school teachers, we are hearing how many children are sad they can no longer attend school. They didn’t even say good-bye to friends or teachers. In every respect, this is a good time for us all to be practicing everything I have written!

–Mark Oelze

PLEDGEtalk.com

Questions? Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts!

For more tips on how to walk through this life click this link… https://pledgetalk.com/tips/

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Hot Topics–What You Can Do When They Come Up

Zerrin and I had a great conversation with our son Micah recently that involved some hot topics. He lives in Miami and teaches History at Florida International University. Micah was telling us about some hot topics he has with his students. BUT AS WE TALKED, OUR CONVERSATION MORPHED INTO SOME HOT TOPICS BETWEEN US AND HIM! They were areas where we differ politically. Whew! Thankfully, the more we talked, the more we saw how we weren’t so different after all in our primary concerns.

I mentioned to Micah how I appreciated the conversation, and THEN he said this: “Dad, there are more talks like this that would be good for us to have, but we will only be able to do it to the degree we are willing to use the 6th step of the PLEDGEtalk process, that of Engage. Only when we are willing to Engage in conversation in areas that could potentially cause conflict will we be able to have more good conversations like this.”

Great point!

I had to agree.

I spend most of my time and writing detailing how to follow a healthy path to process conflict. We must learn how to do so, or our relationships will crumble.

Then there are whole different levels of conversation–hot topics–to be had that we avoid altogether because they might cause conflict.

Sadly, by choosing not to enter into discussions on hot topics we miss significant learning opportunities. A corollary thought certainly would be, if we don’t follow a healthy path to guide us through the hot topic discussions, we also miss learning from each other. In our family–on the surface at least–we have differing viewpoints in politics, in our spiritual life, and how we live life in general. The more we listen and understand each other, however, the more we are learning from each other and the closer relationally we are becoming.

We must be willing to engage in all conversations learning whatever it takes to do so in a healthy manner. (Tweet this!)Click To Tweet

Healthy and helpful conversations require that we engage the entire PLEDGEtalk process to talk through areas where we differ.

We have to PAUSE–and do so repeatedly. Again, and again, and again. Why? Because it is difficult for any one of us to keep from reacting to what others might say. We must discipline ourselves to keep our emotions in check and remind ourselves of the greater purposes of our conversation. Then too, it is imperative that we LISTEN to really understand. All too often we are guilty of listening just long enough to build up our defense before we jump in! This is rarely productive but only intensifies the conflict. Instead, we must focus on staying in the listening mode. Often it includes asking for further information by saying something as simple as “can you tell me more about…”  After listening, it is helpful to ECHO back what the other party has spoken to make sure we heard correctly. This is followed by some kind of validating remark such as “I can see why you think that” which DISARMS the tension between us. And finally, each person or group must have the opportunity to GIVE their perspective while the other takes their turn at Pausing, Listening, Echoing, and Disarming.

At the end of our conversation with Micah, both Zerrin and I agreed we would choose to ENGAGE even in the most difficult topics as a family, the hot topics–while using, of course, all the principles of PLEDGEtalk. It is not easy–but I am confident that to the degree we do, we will have amazing conversations.

I believe you can too! Keep working at PLEDGEtalk!!!!

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The Power of Pause – A Guest Post

Copyright: fotogestoeber / 123RF Stock Photo

 

 

PAUSE! (A GUEST POST BY Chris Greenlee:)

When I was first introduced to PLEDGEtalk, the first step: pause – immediately impacted my life because I began to pause before I spoke. Now, for those like me – who like to talk – you might relate to my view. For those that already pause before you speak (I commend you) – allow me to explain: it isn’t that I want to dominate conversations, because I love listening as well; but rather, I like to talk because I think what I choose to share is valuable and will be appreciated.

(Listen to Chris share this post, then discuss with Mark how learning to pause has changed Chris’s life!)

 

Since I began intentionally pausing before I speak, I have noticed that the person I am listening to isn’t always finished speaking when I am ready to begin speaking myself. I have realized that sometimes people like to pause in the middle of their stories. Sometimes they pause to gather their thoughts, while other times they pause just to catch a breath.

When I choose to PAUSE instead of cut in with my input, it allows the other person to finish their point.

Let me illustrate this with an all-too-familiar scenario: pretend I am listening to you tell a story. Your story has 3 main points to it and then your final conclusion. If, after you finish making your first point, you take a short pause to catch your breath and/or gather your thoughts, I jump in and pivot from your first point (either agreeing or disagreeing with it) and then steer the conversation into a different topic – would you be satisfied with our conversation if you never got to finish your story? Now, what if I allowed you to catch your breath, waited patiently while you gathered your thoughts, listened intently to your final conclusion, and then responded – would you be more satisfied with our conversation?

Unfortunately, I had to admit that I was “hi-jacking” conversations in order to share MY thoughts and in the process I have missed out on a better understanding of those around me by not showing them the respect they deserve by truly listening to them.

The power of PAUSE has recently appeared in my life in a new situation as well.

I recently had my first child, and for those of you that have not experienced parenthood – sometimes a baby cries and it is difficult to figure out how to soothe the child. That may sound simple, but in reality, when another human being is screaming in your ear for an extended period of time it can test our patience and drive us to our mental, emotional, and physical limits. Incidentally, as my newborn son was screaming in my ear for an extended period of time, I recalled the other purpose of PAUSE – to take a break and think about the other person: What kind of relationship do I want to have with them? How much do they mean to me? What do they really need right now? How can I truly love them?

Since I have begun the habit of asking my wife for a short break from failing to console my child, I have been able to shift my perspective to his needs and realized that he isn’t mad at me; he just has needs that are difficult for him to communicate. This has given me the break I needed and allowed me to come back to him “on his side” as I approach him with more empathy and true love. Just realizing that he isn’t yelling AT me – but is yelling FOR me to help him – has changed everything and made parenting much more enjoyable.

Every conversation in my life has been improved and I am a better father to my newborn son: that is the power of PAUSE!

I hope that my words encourage you to use the power of pausing in your relationships and that it serves you as well as it has served me!

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Thank you to Chris Greenlee–an entrepreneur in Wichita, Kansas, and expert in training people in the skills of optimizing their time. I (Mark) have greatly benefited from Chris and his training and coaching! I would go so far as saying it is changing my life! If you are interested in working with Chris, you can reach him at:  christoddgreenlee@gmail.com)

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We are on a mission to improve relationships and create peace–one conversation at a time!

How has PAUSING helped you in your conversations? Leave a comment or example below. OR leave a comment to thank Chris for him sharing his experience with us! And if you would like to write a guest blog and be on my blogcast, email me at:  mark@pledgetalk.com

 

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Listening: Seven Tools For Doing It Well

Listening involves more than you think! It takes work, focus, time, and energy. Are you up for the task? How important is it really? Learn seven critical tools for good listening!

Here is a scenario I see play out in my office over and over again: one spouse wishes the other would speak up more. They are frustrated thinking that the other doesn’t really care to make the relationship work because they won’t talk. I have seen wives who wish their husbands would talk more and husbands who wished the same of their wives. I have seen parents who wish their teens would talk more or team leaders who are frustrated because they can only get a few of their group members to share their ideas. What’s wrong? Why does this happen?

I can tell you one of THE biggest factors has to do with listening.

I shared a PLEDGEtalk Facebook post this week, that said: “Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.”

The person in front of you–whether it is your spouse, your daughter, or the team–won’t believe you are ready and willing to listen unless you are silent.

That means:

  1. you are looking intently at them.
  2. you will be sure not to have a frown on your face but an expression that portrays the idea that you care what they have to say.
  3. you will be patient, for as long as it takes for them to gather their thoughts. And when they do begin talking, you will do everything you can to make sure you don’t interrupt or interject. Instead, you will work hard to stay focused on each word and sentence that comes out of their mouth.
  4. you will wonder and maybe ask why they chose the words they did to describe how they are feeling or to explain their perspective on a matter.
  5. you will be intrigued with what they are saying while at the same time actively putting your own thoughts and reactions up on a shelf in your mind. Note I did not say put them under a rug to be buried, but up on a shelf for later. Your ideas, your reactions can’t be your focus–not if you are listening. Makes sense?
  6. you will keep working at putting your reactions on the shelf while staying SILENT and listening.
  7. And the only time you will speak is for the purpose of clarifying what the other has said or echoing back to make sure you heard correctly.

THAT is real listening!

When a person finally gets the experience of someone genuinely listening, they believe they matter and find their voice!

Now a few words of caution:

  • You may try using the seven tools above and not see the same intended results as I get. Don’t despair or give up. Remember I have been doing this for years as my profession! Go back through the list above to see if you missed anything and keep working at it. It also might take the quiet person awhile to believe that you really are sincere.
  • You may use any or all of the above tools and see quick results. Beware. If these tools are not already part of who you are, you will quickly forget them, fall into old patterns, and watch the person in front of you once again fade away into silence. If this happens, take note, admit what you just did (i.e. interrupted, or reacted, or grew impatient, etc.) and ask them if they would continue to share while you work once again at listening well.
  • You may grow weary or discouraged when you see how much work it takes to really listen well. You may even be tempted to think “if I have to go through all of that and more just to find out what another person is thinking, it’s not worth it. What they have to say must not be all that important.” You couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rather, they are like a mine full of precious jewels just waiting to be discovered!

Most of the breakthroughs I see in my office between spouses, or between parents and a child come when they learn to really listen. When truly listening, we give the gift of being heard. It’s when tears are most apt to appear, and real connection begins!

Think of the last time you felt really heard by someone. What was it they did to make you feel that way?  Let me know below!! I always appreciate your comments–it is encouraging to me as I feel like I am being heard!  🙂

Copyright: iqoncept / 123RF Stock Photo

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Give This Gift To Everyone Around You

Time and again we have heard people say: can we use PLEDGE in any relationship? And we want to shout YES YOU CAN! We have heard of people using it with their children, with their friends, with their parents, in their workplace, and even in politics!

Recently I was struck again with the thought that everyone has a story inside them. I was saddened and convicted that too often I don’t stop to hear their story. Sometimes, I even forget there is one. Nevertheless, there are deep things going on inside each of us. There is a story about our life growing up. There is story that has been lived out in our relationships as adults.

There is story each day we could tell – if there was someone to listen.

And that’s the catch…

… if there is someone to listen.

Hear me in… the pain I feel. The anger I exhibit. The depression I experience. The addiction I cannot overcome. Hear me in those moments when I attempt to open up, as feeble as it may be. Hear me in the confusion that washes over my face when you talk to me. Hear me when I am silent, not knowing what to say. Hear me when I talk non-stop, keeping you at bay.

There is story waiting to be heard at every moment, with every person.

Taking time to listen is a gift we can give day after day, every day.

It is a gift to our spouse, a gift to our children, a gift to a friend, a gift to someone we work with, a gift to our neighbor, and a gift to the stranger on the street or the check-out person in the store.

This week I had the honor and privilege of being the guest author/speaker in my wife’s class with her second graders. It was great fun! I got my little kid fix! My wife is teaching PLEDGE to these children. As I was talking to them about pausing when they are mad, I asked if they had ever heard of the Golden Rule. Most had not. I taught them about treating others just like we would want them to treat us. They didn’t like it when someone said mean things to them. They didn’t want to say mean things to others either. Instead, they just want someone to listen when they are mad or hurt.

Everything we needed to learn for life we learned in – ok, second grade.

We all just want someone to listen.

When we are mad, or hurt, or afraid, or sad, or confused, or discouraged, or excited and happy and encouraged – we want to share our story with someone – if they will just listen.

So today, look around you. Watch for those moments when someone, some where, in some way is saying: “Will you hear me in _______?”

Ask them questions like:

How are you?

What is happening?

How are you feeling about ____?

If they give you a quick, brushed off answer, say: “No I mean it. How are you really?”

And give them the gift of listening to their story!

Share with us how you listened this week!

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