As a marriage counselor for over 30 years, I have spent a lot of time watching couples communicate their frustrations to each other. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about HOW to communicate!
Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it. I agree. That is the reason for one immediate suggestion I would make to most couples – and really everyone when in conversation. It is this: slow down the conversation so you can think more about how to communicate.
At times when I give counsel to two people in conflict, I interrupt them in the middle of a discussion. I ask them to simply STOP talking. Then I look at each of them intently, back and forth, in total silence for a few moments.
When I begin again to speak, I do so quietly and slowly – all very deliberately to help them experience something new…
I want their minds to stop spinning and their emotional reactions to come to a standstill. Remember, when we are full of anger, hurt and anxiety, the rational part of the brain tends to shut down so we can’t think straight.
I want them to know what it is like to step away from pressing their own agenda. All too often when in a conversation where there is conflict what’s on our mind is what’s on our mind…our agenda. And we are out to get the other person to hear us. Never mind the thought that they might want to be heard too.
I want to bring them to a place where instead they can begin to listen. To really listen and consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings.
Here’s what is likely to happen for all of us when we slow down our conversations and think more about how to communicate by genuinely listening:
we will gain fresh or further understanding of each other;
that will pave the way for us to experience empathy for the other;
this, in turn, helps the other feel cared for once again;
and that leads to the renewal of connection – what we both long for and are trying to achieve by our talking.
There is a time to voice our concerns as I teach in the TALK class, but never forget there is equally if not even more so, a need to LISTEN!
So this week simply STOP talking. Seek to slow down your conversations. It will likely require you to give up much of what you want to say so that you might call to mind the equally important task of listening. And when you do – listen that is – carefully observe the difference it makes in you, in the other, and between you. Test and see if the points above come true for you!
Leave a comment/question below or email: mark@pledgetalk.com
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This year of 2020 I want to make 5 strong suggestions for your reading in communication that will be extremely helpful.
Every one of the following resources have been extremely helpful in growing my skills and understanding of how to love well in the way I communicate to others and resolve conflict. I know they will be for you too!
Think of communication as the hub of a wheel. Everything is connected and dependent upon the hub for the wheel to turn. In the same way, all of your interactions, all of your problem solving, and all of the growth in your relationship is connected to and dependent on your ability to communicate in a healthy and helpful manner.
Here are the five best resources I recommend for your reading on communication this year:
“If ‘violent’ means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate could indeed be called ‘violent’ communication.” (On the cover of the book.)
A good friend recommended this to me three years ago. I have underlined, circled, starred more in this book than I have in most. It is chocked full of insights, practical ideas, and direction on how to express one’s needs and hear the needs of others leading the way to real breakthrough in relationships. You will need to read this multiple times to gain all the knowledge between the two covers.
“Tools for talking when stakes are high.” (from the cover)
I was introduced to this book when I heard one of the authors at a conference. He was speaking my language and my heart. I knew it was a book I had to read. Highly practical direction for what to do and say when a conversation takes a sudden twist and you know that what happens next is “crucial” for how matters turn out. Again – you will find yourself going back to this book often!
“Negotiating as if your life depended on it.” (front cover)
While listening to a podcast, this author was introduced as the top FBI hostage negotiator in the nation! I thought to myself, I’ll bet this guy knows a thing or two about dealing with conflict! So I bought the book. I wasn’t disappointed. I have put his principles to use and negotiated a great deal on a large screen TV with a worker at Sam’s Club (didn’t know that could even happen.) Then I lost a deal on buying a car and pulled out the book again to see what I missed.
This is a fun read, by a brilliant individual who has had to learn how to communicate successfully with others because indeed his and others’ lives depended upon it. It also helped that a lot of what he wrote coincided with what I have written in my book. I am sure you won’t be disappointed reading this!
“Her hope for connection, His guide through conflict.” (front cover)
In every conversation and every conflict, there are two components: the content of the dialogue, and the process by which the content is being discussed. What sets my book apart from all others about handling conflict, is that I focus on the process.
Just as there is a recipe to follow to make a good dish, or a plan to execute the next play in football, there is a critical recipe or plan one must follow in order to have a healthy and helpful dialogue over our differences. With no plan, you will fumble the conversation, tackle the wrong subject, and lose the relationship. So read the book, execute the plan, and make every conversation a win-win for everyone!
I have been counseling individuals and couples for over 30 years now – but I am just getting started! 🙂 (Threw that in there rather than what I first wrote about feeling old!)
Who I am today and whatever help I have been to others has been dependent upon many people, but most significantly my parents for all the love, nurture and spiritual direction they gave me, and two men who were my mentors and instructors in my counseling degree. The main instructor was Dr. Larry Crabb and Dr. Dan Allender. It would take hours upon hours to detail how their lives and thinking has shaped mine. I will forever be grateful to them.
The new website, largerstory.com, is a legacy to Dr. Crabb, where you can find all of his works in one location–books, teachings, videos, writings and more. I invite you to bookmark this site, and throughout this year and the years to come, read and learn from the wisest man I know!
What books or resources have you read would you put in the category “best ever” for strengthening relationships? Comment below and tell me about them!
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Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the importance of culture to PLEDGEtalk. I am excited about what is to come–it promises to bring a whole new level of health to our relationships! Webster defines culture as: “the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group.” Also: ‘the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution or organization.”
Let’s take that a part some:
What customary beliefs do you hold about relationships?
Are relationships supremely important to you or only nominally?
Do you believe relationships just happen, or do you intentionally work to build them?
What relationships are most important to you and why?
What about the social forms in your marriage or family?
Does everyone feel equally valued, whether they be male or female, adult or child, young or old?
When you speak to a child, do you ask him to look up to you, or do you kneel down to look at him at eye level?
Is time spent together in work and play, or more in one or the other?
And how about the shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices of your home, your church, or in your workplace–what are they?
Is it ok to feel? How about showing feelings – what is ok and what is not?
Is every comment or question seen as important? How is that made evident?
Who does what? How is that decided?
Is there a detailed picture in everyone’s mind about the type of interactions that are expected in the group?
It is highly likely that you and I have thought about questions such as these at least on a sub-conscious level. It is far less likely that we have considered answers to these and other questions in an effort to deliberately build a healthy culture in the relationships we value. If we were to do so, the potential for positive impact is unending!
Interestingly, each of us has a sense of what we want to experience in our relationships.
Rarely, however, have we defined for ourselves–let alone to others–what we want those experiences to be. Stop and think with me. There are various sets of relationships we might have in life: a marriage, a family, an exercise group, a committee, or team at work. What do you like or dislike about any of the groups you are a part of? Answering that will begin to help you define the kind of culture you most want in your relationships.
Remember the saying, “everything you need in life you learn in Kindergarten?” My daughter who teaches Kindergarten works hard to live up to that claim. One of the most important values she brings to her classroom is to create a culture where everyone learns to love each other well. Each year she creates a social contract discussing with her children:
How do you want me (the teacher) to treat you?
Here’s how I (the teacher) would like you to treat me.
How do we want to treat each other?
My daughter is teaching her children about culture in a group setting and training them how to live out that culture in a way that would benefit all.
Think about the impact this is having on each of these children’s lives–for the rest of their lives! Each child is being taught about the value of relationships and the positive difference they can make in a group by the ways in which they relate to each other!
Imagine five-year-olds who are learning what we need to be learning as adults! What difference would it make if time was spent in our marriages or around the family dinner table, or in a team meeting or small group asking similar “social contract” questions of each other? Imagine the difference if we not only heard what each person values in relationships, but we all sought to live those values out with each other. It is huge!
Ok, there is more I will be sharing in future posts, but for now, take some time to reflect on what I have written above.
What do you like or dislike about the groups which you are in currently?
Describe the ideal relational culture you would like to experience?
What is one thing you will do to start creating that culture? Share it with us all below so we can learn this together!!!
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We all need a friendship or want one. Someone might object and say that is not true for them–they are fine on their own. But that’s not really true. We were made for relationship. It is part of our DNA. When you or I deny this, it is only because we have been hurt by one or more who have claimed to be our friend. We don’t want to be hurt again, so we lie to ourselves in order to silence the inner cry for relationship. Sadly, it leads to a life of loneliness, boredom, and bitterness. We were never meant to be alone. The greatest joys in life are experienced in relationships with others.
So what about that friendship? How do you go about creating one, or making the ones you have even better? And what is the power in a true friendship?
You have to know a KEY! It is found in an ancient Proverb!
Zerrin and I have three children. Along the way, we’ve been very blessed to have others call us Mom and Dad as well. As our kids approached school age, we taught them a KEY to a great friendship. It is found in an ancient proverb–a wise saying. It says: “He who wants friends must make himself friendly.” We taught them the same proverb again when they went to middle school, high school, and college. Each of our children practiced the proverb well and have wonderful friends to this day wherever they go. And one day I have no doubts, they will be married to a best friend!
Those who want a friendship must make themselves friendly.
The obvious question is: how do you make yourself friendly?
There are many ways, of course, such as encouraging someone, standing up for them, giving them something of value, or going out of your way to help them. No real surprise here–we have heard this before.
I want to talk about a more specific way that involves the way we relate to them. Our daughter is working on a massive project, a curriculum that she hopes one day will be adopted by schools to lead children into the experiential knowledge of how to make and keep friends. She calls it The PLEDGE of Friendship. She is taking the principles of PLEDGEtalk and applying them to building friendships!
Think of how this might work for you.
First, remember the principles of PLEDGEtalk:
Pause
Listen
Echo
Disarm/Declare
Give
Engage
Intentionally apply PLEDGEtalk to your friendships.
Now imagine you are with a person with whom you would like to build a friendship. Here is how:
PAUSE: might I suggest you think more–a LOT more–about the principle of pause? To become a good friend, it is critical that you pause before you speak. Pause to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it!
Another Proverb (18:21 KJV) says: “Death and Life are in the power of the tongue!” Everything you and I say has the power to tear someone down or lift them up; bring them low as to the grave, or raise them up as to bring them life.
I have been shamed, called names, yelled at, and poked fun at. No doubt you have too. I am thankful I can also say I have been deeply encouraged, shown great care and love, and felt strongly supported by the words of others. Death and life–in the power of the tongue.
No doubt also, you and I have experienced times when words came out of our mouths and we wished we could have a do-over! I look back and shudder at comments I have made in the past towards my wife and others. Our words can bring great pain and sorrow to our relationships.
Each of us would do well to practice PAUSING a lot more than we do in our conversations. Mastering this principle alone would go a long way towards creating or improving a friendship!
LISTEN: listen to really understand that person you are hoping to befriend or with whom you want to develop a deeper friendship! There are realities being experienced in their life or world that they want to share with someone. Be that someone!!! And you will make a friend!
ECHO: when you are able to echo back what someone has said, it shows that person how much you care because of how well you listened! It will deepen the friendship.
DECLARE: when someone shares their thoughts or ideas, declare in some way that you appreciate what they said, or see value in their point of view. Thank them for sharing. I have a friend who does this with me regularly. Each time I experience his genuine care for me and our friendship is strengthened.
GIVE: your thoughts when invited OR ask to give your thoughts. Consider how this might better a conversation. Rather than each party jumping in with whatever they have to say whenever they want, mutual respect is demonstrated throughout a conversation as time is given for each one to speak. I wrote more about the power of this here.
ENGAGE: make each of the PLEDGEtalk steps a daily part of how you engage with others and in so doing you will be “making yourself friendly.”
Use PLEDGEtalk to make yourself friendly and experience its POWER:
John Gottman, nationally renowned therapist and researcher on successful marriages, in his New York Times best-selling book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work says he has found that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”
Yes of course! Why not start by teaching your children PLEDGEtalk?
Jane Collingwood, in her blog post, The Importance of Friendship, references Tom Rath, Gallup Organization’s director, and Time Magazine saying: “Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee.”
Totally makes sense! Having good friends at a job has always improved my work!
Practice the PLEDGE of Friendship every day to improve your marriage, have better relationships with children, and enjoy going to work!
Remember: “He or she who wants friends must make themselves friendly.”
As you finish reading this, will you “make yourself friendly” to me by doing one or the other of these?
Share with me whom will you implement the PLEDGE of friendship? Leave me a comment below. It will be encouraging to me and build our friendship!!
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Listening involves more than you think! It takes work, focus, time, and energy. Are you up for the task? How important is it really? Learn seven critical tools for good listening!
Here is a scenario I see play out in my office over and over again: one spouse wishes the other would speak up more. They are frustrated thinking that the other doesn’t really care to make the relationship work because they won’t talk. I have seen wives who wish their husbands would talk more and husbands who wished the same of their wives. I have seen parents who wish their teens would talk more or team leaders who are frustrated because they can only get a few of their group members to share their ideas. What’s wrong? Why does this happen?
I can tell you one of THE biggest factors has to do with listening.
I shared a PLEDGEtalk Facebook post this week, that said: “Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.”
The person in front of you–whether it is your spouse, your daughter, or the team–won’t believe you are ready and willing to listen unless you are silent.
That means:
you are looking intently at them.
you will be sure not to have a frown on your face but an expression that portrays the idea that you care what they have to say.
you will be patient, for as long as it takes for them to gather their thoughts. And when they do begin talking, you will do everything you can to make sure you don’t interrupt or interject. Instead, you will work hard to stay focused on each word and sentence that comes out of their mouth.
you will wonder and maybe ask why they chose the words they did to describe how they are feeling or to explain their perspective on a matter.
you will be intrigued with what they are saying while at the same time actively putting your own thoughts and reactions up on a shelf in your mind. Note I did not say put them under a rug to be buried, but up on a shelf for later. Your ideas, your reactions can’t be your focus–not if you are listening. Makes sense?
you will keep working at putting your reactions on the shelf while staying SILENT and listening.
And the only time you will speak is for the purpose of clarifying what the other has said or echoing back to make sure you heard correctly.
THAT is real listening!
When a person finally gets the experience of someone genuinely listening, they believe they matter and find their voice!
Now a few words of caution:
You may try using the seven tools above and not see the same intended results as I get. Don’t despair or give up. Remember I have been doing this for years as my profession! Go back through the list above to see if you missed anything and keep working at it. It also might take the quiet person awhile to believe that you really are sincere.
You may use any or all of the above tools and see quick results. Beware. If these tools are not already part of who you are, you will quickly forget them, fall into old patterns, and watch the person in front of you once again fade away into silence. If this happens, take note, admit what you just did (i.e. interrupted, or reacted, or grew impatient, etc.) and ask them if they would continue to share while you work once again at listening well.
You may grow weary or discouraged when you see how much work it takes to really listen well. You may even be tempted to think “if I have to go through all of that and more just to find out what another person is thinking, it’s not worth it. What they have to say must not be all that important.” You couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rather, they are like a mine full of precious jewels just waiting to be discovered!
Most of the breakthroughs I see in my office between spouses, or between parents and a child come when they learn to really listen. When truly listening, we give the gift of being heard. It’s when tears are most apt to appear, and real connection begins!
Think of the last time you felt really heard by someone. What was it they did to make you feel that way? Let me know below!! I always appreciate your comments–it is encouraging to me as I feel like I am being heard! 🙂
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This week I was invited to be a guest lecturer at Oral Robert’s University by my daughter who is a Professor in their Social Work department. I taught the students in her Intro To Counseling class about the deepest longings of the human soul: significance and security. It’s a teaching that has absolutely changed the course of my life and all my relationships.
There is a story where Jesus is speaking to a woman who is clearly broken in life. She is seeking to be loved but instead, finds herself being used by one man after another. Jesus meets her while getting water at a well and He says something that at first might seem very strange. He says: “you know if you drink from Me you will never thirst again!”
Huh? Jesus is making reference to an idea that is true of all of us.
We are thirsty people and we move from one person or thing to another, to fill ourselves up and quench that thirst.
But what is it we are thirsty for? What is it that resides at the deepest levels of you and I that drives everything we do and say?
If you stop long enough and think, you would begin to say it is a desire for things like:
Love
Security
Acceptance
Safety
Relationship
Connection
Purpose
Significance
To know that you matter
To have impact
Importance
To know you have value
If I could boil them all down into two ideas, I would use the words: significance and security.
You and I desire to experience both. In reality, however, desire is not a strong enough word. It would be more accurate to use Jesus’ metaphor—that we thirst. We are in such great need of experiencing significance and security that we thirst for them. It is as if we need and require them to such a degree that we will do virtually anything to get those needs met.
When a man faces questions he doesn’t have answers to as a husband and father, he turns more to his work—which is easier to master—because he is so thirsty for significance. When a woman struggles in her connection with her husband, it is often more tempting to let down her guard and enjoy the perceived love from another man—because she is so thirsty for security. Often as we learn the history of killers and abusers in our country, it is not uncommon to hear of them having been abused and abandoned as children. In their emptiness, they strike out in an effort to feel significant and secure—albeit in the worst of ways.
When Jesus said to the woman “if you drink from me, you will never thirst again,” he was saying: “in your attempts to find love and security, you have had one failed relationship after another. I am asking you to follow me where you will experience a relationship like none other. I will love you unconditionally. My love will NEVER change, and therefore you will always be secure. Add to that, I am willing to give my life for you because of your supreme value. Yes, you are that significant in my eyes!”
Every one of us is in need of significance and security—just like this woman in the story. And Jesus offers each of us the same invitation as he did the woman when he says “follow me!”
How does this relate to communication and family gatherings like Thanksgiving and Christmas?
Great question!
Most of us are around more people than usual at the holidays. That time spent can be wonderful; it can also be hard and stressful. But if you remember what I have shared, you can make the upcoming holidays the best ones yet. Here’s how: keep in mind—EVERYONE wants to know they are significant and secure, right?
In your interactions with them, you have a choice: you can spend the bulk of your time seeking to meet YOUR NEEDS for significance and security by doing things like:
controlling the conversations to feel important;
or telling the best joke to have an impact;
OR by doing whatever you can to keep people at a distance, keep conversations shallow, or simply avoid interactions altogether to keep yourself secure.
On the other hand, you could stay focused on the idea that everyone around you is in need of feeling significant and secure like you and help meet that need in them. For instance, you could:
seek out that one who is quiet and engage her or him in conversation so they feel like they matter;
help out more with the cooking and cleaning so no one feels alone;
tell a young person or child you are proud of them for what they have accomplished or tell them of a character quality in them you appreciate, so they feel significant;
remember the PLEDGEtalk principles of listening well in conversation, echoing back what was said, and acknowledging your appreciation for them sharing—so they feel validated and genuinely cared for.
In short—you and I can focus more on getting own needs met during the Holidays or focus more on meeting the needs of others.
Adults and children alike, all long to know they are significant—that they matter; and they all long to know they are secure—that they are loved and wanted. Do what you can during the upcoming holidays to show those around you that they matter and you care for them. It just might make this season the best one yet!
Share this with one friend or family member to help them during their time with family too!
(Picture taken from: Copyright: <a href=’https://www.123rf.com/profile_rawpixel’>rawpixel / 123RF Stock Photo</a>)
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Ok, straight up. I am not talking about literal running–like when you put those colorful shoes on. I am talking about running from disappointment in life.
Recently when experiencing some hurt in a relationship, I suddenly became aware of something interesting that happened in me: I could feel my mind turning to other matters–almost as if it had to for some reason. I wondered why and then understood: I was shifting my focus. I was turning my attention from that which was causing the pain, to more pleasant matters so I would no longer hurt.
And at that moment I caught a glimpse of the answer to a question I have had time and again as I have worked with couples where one spouse or the other simply walked away. Oh, I know it is never that they “simply” walked away. I know there is much anger, pain, and despair. But still, I have always wondered–especially when kids are involved–how do they walk out and run from the situation? How do they deal with their pain by running?
They do what I did on only on a much greater scale. In running as fast and as hard as they can, they turn their focus to other matters, to deaden the pain.
It makes sense.
I understand.
No one likes pain. Selah (often meaning, “pause and think of that.”) Sadly, however, that’s not the end of the story.
When running to avoid pain, we end up pushing away those whom we love the most.
We push them out of our minds; we push them away from our presence as we busy ourselves with other concerns. It is a very subtle step taken in the direction of self-preservation, often something we don’t even realize we are doing. The more it happens, the more distance it creates in the relationship, until there is a great chasm that seems impossible to ever cross again.
At this point, things often go from bad to worse. The disappointment in our relationships surfaces again and again in spite of our greatest efforts to keep our minds focused on other matters. The temptation to run to even stronger distractions seems completely justifiable. Even a must. The stronger distractions–working longer hours, drinking, sex, eating, gambling, spending money–become addictive. They are relied upon again and again as seemingly the only way to dull the pain. Ultimately they destroy, the person and their relationships.
I am reminded of the truth, “whoever seeks to save his life (by running) will lose it.” (Luke 17:33)
The solution?
We must face the disappointment, hurt, and pain in our relationships at every level.
We must learn to stay engaged without reacting or running away to other distractions. We must discover how to relate throughout our conflict in good, strong, and healthy ways to those around us even when hurt. As my son wrote in the Foreword of my book, “…people most effectively resolve conflict when they become strong communicators.”
Understand my son is NOT saying strong in the sense of standing up for our rights and telling others where they are wrong. No, he is saying strong in the sense of not giving in to fear, but learning instead how to speak the truth with love and respect. We must be strong in the sense of not giving way to our reactive tendencies, but rather mastering the ability to listen well and learn what we might be missing in any given conversation.
This is not an easy task. It will take much work, and require much learning. But it is good, right, and God-honoring.
It is why we created PLEDGEtalk–to train people how to use principles that are vital to our everyday interactions and to guide us through the most difficult moments in conversation.
If you are reading this and have not already signed up for my PLEDGEtalk blog, you can do so at https://pledgetalk.com and download a FREE and complete overview of the PLEDGEtalk process to healthy communication and conflict resolution guide. (And if you do get my blog but did not get the PLEDGEtalk Guide and want a copy, email me for your FREE copy: mark@pledgetalk.com)
Don’t run or even walk from your pain. Learn from it. Learn in the midst of it. You will grow stronger when you do and discover more of what it takes to build strong relationships. Recognizing I was running from the pain in my relationship enabled me to stop in my tracks. It helped me to see that I had and always have a choice–to stay and love well even when it hurts or to run. Staying is harder at the moment, but leads to joy later; running is easier at the moment, but leads to sorrow later. We either must choose to endure whatever pain we are experiencing in a relationship as we seek to lovingly work it out, OR we become someone who now inflicts pain on others through reacting or pushing them away.
Ouch! That’s something to really consider.
If you have found this blog post or the PLEDGEtalk process helpful, would you share this with one friend today?
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A friend who betrays you. A boss who loses his temper and shames you in front of others. Infidelity by your spouse. A father who abused you. A parent who abandoned you. With each wrong done, and pain endured, there is a person who stands in need of forgiveness.
Most of us have experienced pain like this at some time in our lives, or we know someone who has. Many have also been the cause of great pain to others.
When seeking forgiveness you must communicate patience!
It is a stirring moment when one who has done great harm comes to recognize what they have done and truly seeks forgiveness and restoration. A wrong assumption however, often accompanies the occasion. It is this: “if I confess my wrong and ask forgiveness, the one I am speaking to must not only forgive me, and do it now, but must be willing to move on from what has happened and not look back.”
Not so.
I understand why we want to believe that. When we realize we have hurt someone, we hurt too. Often however, our apology is motivated by the hopes of closing the case so we don’t have to hurt anymore. We don’t want to enter into the pain we caused the other or stay with them for as long as it takes to forgive us and come out from under the damage that was done.
What must be understood, however, is how critical PATIENCE is at this point in the relationship!
When we ask another to forgive us for the wrong we have done and pain we have caused, we must be patient for the healing process to run its course.
A general rule of thumb might be: the amount of time given to heal must be commensurate with the severity of the wrong done.
Examples:
You forget to pick up the butter on the way home? No big deal.
You forget to pick up your child from daycare on the way home, a bit different.
You forget to do either of the above 10 times, even more different.
OR, you lose your temper with your employees once in the last 3 years vs. you lose your temper every week. If the latter, you better believe it is going to take quite a bit longer for your employees to believe you when you announce that you are going to change the way you communicate and no longer lose your temper!
We have a tendency to minimize wrongs we have done and even more so, the effects of a wrong we have done.
Take the example of an affair–a great and painful wrong that happens quite frequently in marriage. Think more carefully with me about just a few of the effects:
Mutual trust is broken. What enables all relationships to endure is trust. From the moment a relationship begins, the question of trust is foremost in each one’s mind. Is this person who they claim to be? Am I willing to entrust who I am and all I have to them? Most marriages start out with a good if not full amount of trust. What enables that relationship to grow stronger throughout the challenges of life is the assurance of trust in each other. When that trust is broken, the offended party thinks: if I can’t trust him or her in this area of life, how can I trust them in any area of life together? Over time, this is likely lead to a serious decline in the relationship.
Then of course, there is the exposure to sexually transmitted diseases. Many who have had affairs don’t even seem to think about this. Furthermore, they don’t stop to consider the likelihood of passing on to their spouse–the mother or father of their children–a disease that could even shorten their life!
The introduction of fear into the relationship. What was once not even a concern, now becomes one every day throughout the day. Will he or she do this again? What are they up to now? Why isn’t he or she returning my texts or phone calls more quickly?
The effects of the affair are suddenly multiplied when the children find out. They are afraid. Trust is lost. Hurt and anger brew. They need to talk but don’t know who to talk to, so they bury what’s going on inside. A whole new set of problems emerge if they aren’t told until later in life: How come you didn’t tell us ‘til now? We have trusted you all our lives, and now we hear this? Now I am not sure where or how or if I can trust you anywhere!
Of course, then there is the question of divorce. Will the offended party forgive or will they seek a divorce? And in the latter case, the problems simply multiply exponentially.
I have listed only five of the effects of the great pain caused by the wrong of an affair. I didn’t talk about the feelings that will have to be deal with such as anger, hatred, confusion, or loneliness; or the effect on extended family members or friendships; or the effect on the other person’s self-image. And what about the possibility of pregnancy that could have taken place? And even blackmail? The list goes on!
Such great cost that one great wrong can have in a relationship! Simply apologizing to the offended party is not enough.
To heal a relationship from a wrong done, yes you must have genuine sorrow and seek forgiveness. BUT THEN, you must communicate you will be patient as long as necessary for the other to heal!
If now or at any time in the future, there is a need for you to confess a wrong done such as I have written about, I would urge you to communicate in a way similar to the following: “I have hurt you by doing __________. What I did was wrong, and I am so sorry. I grieve for the pain I have caused you and the damage that has been done. I ask your forgiveness, giving you as much time as you need to be able to forgive me and reconcile our relationship.”
Then pray. Pray that God would give you the patience you need, and pray for the one whom you offended. When forgiveness and restoration of relationships take place, it is truly a grace of God!
Though forgiveness is only one key to a successful marriage, it is certainly one of the most important. What would you add to what I have written in regards to the need for patience when asking forgiveness? What makes it so hard to do? I welcome your comments below!
https://pledgetalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Patience-sand-big_resized.jpg449600Markhttps://pledgetalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/PLEDGEtalk_White_web2.pngMark2017-01-31 03:26:082017-10-28 17:25:32This is CRITICAL When In Need of Forgiveness:
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