Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?
I can.
I didn’t like it.
I wished they were calmer.
But there I was; and there they were – angrily expressing their thoughts.
What do I do, I thought.
So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.
As a marriage counselor for over 30 years. I have spent a lot of time listening to what people are frustrated about, and observing how they communicate those frustrations to their spouse. My concern is we don’t spend near enough time thinking about the HOW.
Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it.
Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It’s a really important question for all of us today! Here’s why:
I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.
So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk – that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?
Not sure about you, but my anxiety level goes up and down in life a lot, and even more so these days with CV19.
The latest for me has been my daughter’s wedding. It is coming up soon–in Oklahoma. It’s been in the works for months but has created a lot of uncertainty for weeks now with the pandemic. Should we have postponed it or changed the date? How many people should we have invited? We had 250, then 60, then 10, then 30, and now – who knows? What really matters is that they get married, right? Yes? No? You get the point. All kinds of questions and uncertainties in my head.
Or how about another source of anxiety – finances. They are a source of anxiety all the time for most, but especially during CV19. What happened to your retirement funds (if you had any in the first place)? Will they ever recover? Will you have a job yet throughout this year to provide for your family? Will the economy come back as some say it will or will it get worse? Will there be a second wave? Will it ever be the same as it was?
When your children are hurting–at any age–it’s tough. No parent wants to see their children suffer, and yet it happens because we live in a world with a lot of disappointment and brokenness. What can you do as a parent when it happens? Much could be said in response. Here are seven actions to consider:
Everyone of the following resources have been extremely helpful in growing my skills and understanding of how to love well in the way I communicate to others and resolve conflict. I know they will be for you too!
This year of 2020 I want to make 5 strong suggestions to help you learn more in the area of helpful communication.
When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question – one I think we have all wondered about at times – so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.
Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and … (Read more!)
I have been wanting to write this for about a week now about COVID-19.
On the one hand I have more time being “homebound.” On the other hand, I have not had as much time as I might have thought, because I have been spending a lot more time with family – and that’s a good thing! I hope you have experienced the same!
BUT THEN I WONDER–has it been good for you?
No doubt you like me, are hearing from every available news source about the effect the Corona Virus is having throughout the world, and the United States. Fear about the virus and the effects on our lives, jobs, and the overall economy continues to grow.
Schools and Universities have all gone online. Sports are suspended. Parades, political rallies and events of all kinds have been canceled. It’s the fear of gathering in crowds, and how it could spread the virus. These are just a few of the many ways in which this is affecting our country.
Then we were simply all told to stay home for a while!
Might I suggest some positive in the midst of all this? (Read more!)
