Welcome to my blog on TIPS for healthy communication! I write mainly on three topics: communication, conflict resolving, and the underlying culture necessary for success in both of these areas. I write so that marriages and families can grow strong, so that friendships can be deep, and so business environments can be safe and most productive. Hope you enjoy and learn much. I look forward to interacting with your comments!
Why Make Room for THIS during Christmas!
Christmas 2023: There…
Joy and Marriage – How do you keep a marriage healthy for life?
Further Thoughts on the…
Word Choice – How can you change your speech to help conflict progress?
Further Thoughts on What…
Surrender! When? – How and when should you surrender during conflict?
Further Thoughts on SURRENDER!…
Halting Conflict – What can you do to stop conflict before it starts?
Further Thoughts on How To Keep…
Pausing In Conflict – How do you better utilize listening?
Further thoughts on the most important…
Supporting Grieving – How do you better help a loved one in mourning?
Further thoughts on Supporting a…
Solving Conflict – How to fight WITH problems instead of others?
Further Thoughts on: Do You Fight With…
Decrease Polarization – How can I have more productive conversations?
Further Thoughts on How To Connect While…
Silent Moments – When should you use silence during interactions?
Further Thoughts on Silence...
Image…
Image…
Words Matter – How do your words affect others?
Further Thoughts on: Do Your Words Matter?
Here's…
Here's…
Falling Out of Love – How do you address it?
Further Thoughts on When You Have Fallen Out…
Being Interrupted – How should you react to interruptions?
Further thoughts on What to Do When Someone Keeps…
Good Conflict – What needs to change for conflict to be positive?
Why you should love conflict!
Embracing Conflict – How do you LEARN from conflict?
Why you should love conflict!
Fighting FOR Rather than AGAINST Eachother – What can you do?
How to fight together rather than against eachother!
Becoming Better Together – How does it happen?
Why should you form new connections?
Connecting with Others – Why is it important?
Why should you form new connections?
Slowing Down – How do you start?
How do you slow down in communication?
Patience and Conflict – How does it affect your everyday life?
Why should you be so committed to those relationships that matter?
Relationships Matter – What’s Important about Relationships?
Why should you be so committed to those relationships that matter?
Using Your Time – How do you better utilize the time in your day?
We all have the same amount of time every day. How can you most effectively use up your time?
Listening to Others – What does listening communicate?
Battling our enemies is always difficult. How can we better resolve conflict?
Demonstrating Kindness – The One Thing You Can Do So Others WANT to Be Around You!
Battling our enemies is always difficult. How can we better resolve conflict?
Fighting Conflict – What if we saw conflict THIS way instead?
Battling our enemies is always difficult. How can we better resolve conflict?
The “WIN” Mindset – How do you avoid it?
Being a good driver isn't only important on the road, but also in conversation. How can you become a more responsible driver in communication?
Driving Conversation – How to be a good “Driver” in communication!
Being a good driver isn't only important on the road, but also in conversation. How can you become a more responsible driver in communication?
Resolving Conflict
To move a conversation forward in a healthy direction so that both parties feel safe, breathe again, and experience hope, someone has to offer help first...But who goes first?
Understanding Anger
A person who is angry is angry about something ... for some reason. In their anger, they communicate directly or indirectly what they are angry about. Our task is first, to listen well enough to "get it" and second, to make it clear in some way what we "get" so they know that we know why they are angry.
Here's the challenge: when someone is angry at us, we experience all kinds of reactions that are physical, mental, emotional, and even physical in nature...
Here's the challenge: when someone is angry at us, we experience all kinds of reactions that are physical, mental, emotional, and even physical in nature...
How to Listen to an Angry Person
You know the experience - so do I. You have said or done something to someone which was apparently frustrating or hurtful. You didn't mean to (or maybe you did) but they are reacting.
Why is it so hard to listen to them? And what can we do to change that?
It's never fun having someone angry at you. At the very least it is quite uncomfortable, and at the most it is scary. As a result, we put up our guard and our fists - so to speak. We have been hurt or misunderstood in the past and we're not about to get hurt again. We are ready to fight back!
Why is it so hard to listen to them? And what can we do to change that?
It's never fun having someone angry at you. At the very least it is quite uncomfortable, and at the most it is scary. As a result, we put up our guard and our fists - so to speak. We have been hurt or misunderstood in the past and we're not about to get hurt again. We are ready to fight back!
How to Become a Master at Communication
In this week's communication tip, I talked about my son, a semi-professional musician, who teaches History by day and plays guitar in restaurants by night.
I can't tell you how amazing he is - you would just think I am just biased. I could tell you for instance that:
he has mastered not only the 6-string but the Brazilian 7-string guitar
he knows hundreds of songs in English and Portuguese by heart - chords, and lyrics.
I marvel at how he moves up and down the neck without even looking at where he places his fingers,
he can transpose a song into any key
he can listen to a song once and play along the second time
and I could go on.
But you might say it sounds like I'm bragging about my son, and you might be right. If you watched this week's video, however, you heard that I also was making a huge point. You see, despite how good of a musician he is and how well he has mastered the guitar, he practices his core basic scales very slowly every day, up and down for a minimum of 20 minutes!
I can't tell you how amazing he is - you would just think I am just biased. I could tell you for instance that:
he has mastered not only the 6-string but the Brazilian 7-string guitar
he knows hundreds of songs in English and Portuguese by heart - chords, and lyrics.
I marvel at how he moves up and down the neck without even looking at where he places his fingers,
he can transpose a song into any key
he can listen to a song once and play along the second time
and I could go on.
But you might say it sounds like I'm bragging about my son, and you might be right. If you watched this week's video, however, you heard that I also was making a huge point. You see, despite how good of a musician he is and how well he has mastered the guitar, he practices his core basic scales very slowly every day, up and down for a minimum of 20 minutes!
Be Interested – PLEDGEtalk Thoughts
In this week's Tune-up Tuesday video tip I spoke of wanting to spend some time with a man I have only known mostly at a distance - so we did a breakfast together just a few weeks ago. I spoke further about the impact he made on me by how much time he took to express interest in me, rather than seek my interest in him.
This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week - at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.
I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important...even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.
As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here's why:
This same man turned out to be the speaker I heard this week - at a gathering called Impact Wichita. His name is Damon Young.
I was struck by a number of points Damon made, but one big takeaway for me was listening to him speak of how we are ALL important...even that person whom we might deem to be less important. Hearing about Damon through the person who introduced him, and then listening to Damon share, I heard more of how and why he values others and takes the time to be interested in them. I was stirred and grateful to have heard him speak.
As I write this, I think how ironic it was/is that he spoke at a gathering entitled IMPACT Wichita. Here's why:
Exercising PLEDGEtalk
In this week's Tune-up Tuesday communication tip, I talked about taking note of those relationships or those moments in relationships that aren't going well.
Don't ignore those moments!
Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship. You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.
Easier said than done.
Don't ignore those moments!
Take note of them and exercise the principles of PLEDGEtalk in hopes of restoring the relationship. You can watch that video HERE if you missed it.
Easier said than done.
Enjoying Others in Conversation
Think back to the last time a child brought something to you with a smile on their face. It might have been a coloring they did or a stone they found outside. They come with great excitement for they have either accomplished something or discovered something and they want to share it with you.
What do you do?
What do you do?
How To Calm an Angry Person…
Can you remember the last time someone was really angry at you and they let you know with their words?
I can.
I didn’t like it.
I wished they were calmer.
But there I was; and there they were - angrily expressing their thoughts.
What do I do, I thought.
I can.
I didn’t like it.
I wished they were calmer.
But there I was; and there they were - angrily expressing their thoughts.
What do I do, I thought.
My Reactivity is My Responsibility…
So today, even now when I am criticized, I react. Do you see why? It’s not so much because of the person in front of me who is pointing out something I have done wrong or could be doing better. That may still hard be to hear, but my reactivity is from someplace else. It is from my past.
Slow Down – and think HOW to communicate!
As a marriage counselor for over 30 years. I have spent a lot of time listening to what people are frustrated about, and observing how they communicate those frustrations to their spouse. My concern is we don't spend near enough time thinking about the HOW.
Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it.
Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect for marriages, says that a husband or wife could say just about anything to their spouse if they thought long and hard about HOW they were going to say it.
Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict?
Debate or Dialogue? Which will it be in your next conflict? It's a really important question for all of us today! Here's why:
I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.
So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk - that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?
I am writing about an idea that occurred to me just a few weeks ago.
So there I was in a conflict with my wife and noticed something. I was communicating in a way that was meant to drive home my point. (I failed at the number one step I teach in PLEDGEtalk - that of Pausing when you find yourself in a conflict!) When Zerrin replied with her own thoughts, I came back again to make my point clear. To my chagrin, I had gotten no closer to convincing her of my point than after the first time. Why? What was going wrong?
ANXIETY? You can do THIS to find calm.
Not sure about you, but my anxiety level goes up and down in life a lot, and even more so these days with CV19.
The latest for me has been my daughter's wedding. It is coming up soon--in Oklahoma. It's been in the works for months but has created a lot of uncertainty for weeks now with the pandemic. Should we have postponed it or changed the date? How many people should we have invited? We had 250, then 60, then 10, then 30, and now - who knows? What really matters is that they get married, right? Yes? No? You get the point. All kinds of questions and uncertainties in my head.
Or how about another source of anxiety - finances. They are a source of anxiety all the time for most, but especially during CV19. What happened to your retirement funds (if you had any in the first place)? Will they ever recover? Will you have a job yet throughout this year to provide for your family? Will the economy come back as some say it will or will it get worse? Will there be a second wave? Will it ever be the same as it was?
The latest for me has been my daughter's wedding. It is coming up soon--in Oklahoma. It's been in the works for months but has created a lot of uncertainty for weeks now with the pandemic. Should we have postponed it or changed the date? How many people should we have invited? We had 250, then 60, then 10, then 30, and now - who knows? What really matters is that they get married, right? Yes? No? You get the point. All kinds of questions and uncertainties in my head.
Or how about another source of anxiety - finances. They are a source of anxiety all the time for most, but especially during CV19. What happened to your retirement funds (if you had any in the first place)? Will they ever recover? Will you have a job yet throughout this year to provide for your family? Will the economy come back as some say it will or will it get worse? Will there be a second wave? Will it ever be the same as it was?
When Your Children Are Hurting – 7 Actions to Take!
When your children are hurting--at any age--it's tough. No parent wants to see their children suffer, and yet it happens because we live in a world with a lot of disappointment and brokenness. What can you do as a parent when it happens? Much could be said in response. Here are seven actions to consider:
5 Musts for your reading on helpful communication this year!
Everyone of the following resources have been extremely helpful in growing my skills and understanding of how to love well in the way I communicate to others and resolve conflict. I know they will be for you too!
This year of 2020 I want to make 5 strong suggestions to help you learn more in the area of helpful communication.
This year of 2020 I want to make 5 strong suggestions to help you learn more in the area of helpful communication.
Six Actions When Someone Escalates the Situation
When someone escalates the situation, what is the best way to handle communication? Recently I was asked this question - one I think we have all wondered about at times - so I wanted to take some time to offer some thoughts for all of us! To illustrate, I would like to tell a story on myself.
Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and ... (Read more!)
Two weekends ago, we were visiting my daughters in Oklahoma just as the COVID19 was ramping up. I was increasingly concerned and ... (Read more!)
How Can I Help You With COVID-19?
I have been wanting to write this for about a week now about COVID-19.
On the one hand I have more time being "homebound." On the other hand, I have not had as much time as I might have thought, because I have been spending a lot more time with family - and that's a good thing! I hope you have experienced the same!
BUT THEN I WONDER--has it been good for you?
On the one hand I have more time being "homebound." On the other hand, I have not had as much time as I might have thought, because I have been spending a lot more time with family - and that's a good thing! I hope you have experienced the same!
BUT THEN I WONDER--has it been good for you?
A positive to the Corona Virus?
No doubt you like me, are hearing from every available news source about the effect the Corona Virus is having throughout the world, and the United States. Fear about the virus and the effects on our lives, jobs, and the overall economy continues to grow.
Schools and Universities have all gone online. Sports are suspended. Parades, political rallies and events of all kinds have been canceled. It's the fear of gathering in crowds, and how it could spread the virus. These are just a few of the many ways in which this is affecting our country.
Then we were simply all told to stay home for a while!
Might I suggest some positive in the midst of all this? (Read more!)
Schools and Universities have all gone online. Sports are suspended. Parades, political rallies and events of all kinds have been canceled. It's the fear of gathering in crowds, and how it could spread the virus. These are just a few of the many ways in which this is affecting our country.
Then we were simply all told to stay home for a while!
Might I suggest some positive in the midst of all this? (Read more!)
Hot Topics–What You Can Do When They Come Up
Zerrin and I had a great conversation with our son Micah recently that involved some hot topics. He lives in Miami and teaches History at Florida International University. Micah was telling us about some hot topics he has with his students. BUT AS WE TALKED, OUR CONVERSATION MORPHED INTO SOME HOT TOPICS BETWEEN US AND HIM!
STOP with me for just a moment to wonder…
As we near the celebration of Christmas, we think of the love He has shown by coming to live in our world, in the flesh. Every other god is a distant god...a god that does not come close, but in fact, requires it’s worshippers to achieve all they can to somehow work their way close. But the God of the Bible came close to us.
Ever Thought About Your Relational Culture?
Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the importance of culture to PLEDGEtalk. I am excited about what is to come--it promises to bring a whole new level of health to our relationships!
The Power of Pause – A Guest Post
Every conversation in my life has been improved & I am a better father to my newborn son: that is the power of PAUSE!
Friendship: Learn this Key and Experience Its Power!
So what about that friendship? How do you go about creating one, or making the ones you have even better? And what is the power in a true friendship?
You have to know a KEY! It is found in an ancient Proverb!
You have to know a KEY! It is found in an ancient Proverb!
Problems, Problems. Which Ones Do We Talk About?
Regularly we find ourselves being slightly annoyed to downright furious at what we see as problems in others. What are we to do? Should we talk about them? How do we know?
Should you Share Your Thoughts or Not?
Should you share your thoughts in a conversation or conflict? How do you know? When someone else is talking, far better to do this first!
Listening: Seven Tools For Doing It Well
Listening involves more than you think! It takes work, focus, time, and energy. Are you up for the task? How important is it really? Learn seven critical tools for good listening!
Change? Here Is A Simple Plan
Yesterday, my 82 year old Dad asked me about my goals for the…
Do THIS When Feeling Crazy During the Holidays:
Do you feel crazy during the Holidays because everyone else seems…
Focus on THIS and Have Better Holidays!
Adults and children alike, all long to know they are significant—that they matter; and they all long to know they are secure--they are loved and wanted.
Alex Smith and A Critical Lesson On Communication–From a Quarterback!
Last weekend I took my daughter Taya to see Alex Smith and the Kansas City Chiefs play the Philadelphia Eagles. It was awesome! Now I have to be honest, being at Arrowhead, and watching the Chief’s win was great, but connecting with my daughter was the best part of the whole experience!
My Personal Struggle When I Am In Conflict
There’s a reason why most people struggle to have only a few solid relationships. They are hard and take a lot of work!
Do You Avoid Someone If They Are Mad? There’s A Better Way…
Your boss is mad. Your friend is really hurt. Or your spouse is going to chew you out. And you don’t want to hear it. What do you do?
Running again? Do This Instead:
Ok, straight up. I am not talking about literal running--like when you put those colorful shoes on. I am talking about running from disappointment in life.
Is This Your Story? Here’s what to do…
I remember being disappointed over an incident with a friend and decided to talk with him about it. Before I got even two paragraphs out of my mouth, he jumped in telling me how he saw things from a different angle.
This is CRITICAL When In Need of Forgiveness:
A father who abused you. A parent who abandoned you. With each wrong done, and pain endured, there is a person who stands in need of forgiveness.
Mixed Feelings Around the Holidays? Do this!
When the holidays are right on top of us, it’s not uncommon to have mixed feelings. You want to enjoy the season but (and that’s the problem) there is a but.
A Crucial Help For Our Divided Nation
It was a very historic week with the election - one in which has revealed a deep divide in our country. Many are rejoicing. Many are hurting. Many feel numb.
How To Start That Difficult Conversation
No doubt you've been there - thinking you need to address an…
When I Lost My SELF in Marriage
I cringe every time I hear it.
A man or a woman states: “I…
A man or a woman states: “I…
But What If I Am Right?
It’s a question that is often posed when I teach on conflict…
Conflict – What Good is It?
Most people don’t like conflict, but it doesn’t have to be…
4 Things to Remember When Someone You Care About Won’t Talk
Twice recently I have been asked: “What do you do when your…
The One Thing To Say When You Hear “You ALWAYS..!”
You’ve done it, I’ve done it, and you’ve had someone do…
A Simple Way To Increase Respect In Your Relationships:
You and I both learned an important life lesson at a very early…
3 Important Musts When You are Angry
I have been doing a lot of thinking about anger lately. Maybe…
What Do You Do With the Mad?
It would be a dream job for anyone to have a truly supportive…
PLEDGEtalk – why it is the appetite of our soul!
“It’s not natural...it doesn’t feel authentic.”
That’s…
That’s…
Here’s What Happens When You Name The Important
A couple weeks back Zerrin and I were in Oshkosh, Wisconsin teaching…
Big Announcement!
Today we are launching PLEDGEtalk, a how-to for when communication…
Give This Gift To Everyone Around You
Time and again we have heard people say: can we use PLEDGE in…
Using PLEDGE In Your Family
Here is what one of our our recentPLEDGEtalk Live event attendees…
10 Keys To A Peaceful Marriage
If you have been reading my blog for very long at all, it would…
Having The Same Fight Over and Over? Here’s why:
I'm not sure when it really hit me, but there it was: we were…
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